First visit

So. I went to see the counsellor. Nice lady. I went in fairly confidently, feeling in control. It was weird, as this isn't like me much and it made me realise a little more how much I've changed the last year.

I've always been fairly confident at work. I just dont think about it. I roughly know what I am doing and just get on. People tell me I am very good at what I do, and I find that a little hard to believe but... I guess I know at least I can get on and do what I am supposed to. Its always been away from work I struggle. Recently though, those little things people take for granted I've got better at. Ordering things, asking things in shops, making enquries. I guess I always hid behind my ex as she was happy to take the lead. Now though I have to. On holiday in Scotland, I had to as my friend preferred not to. I guess I've found that even though I can feel uncomfortable, feel awkward and geekish. Well, I'm actually the one in control as I'm the one that wants these things. I can choose to do it or not. I can choose to take my business elsewhere. I'm not doing you a favour. I realised that as I was waiting. Why was I nervous? I'd decided to do this and it'd work or it wouldn't. I could just go somewhere else if it didn't. I didn't have to make her like me. This was for me. It's a change I hadn't realised and it was a good start. Now my weakness is socially. Feeling socially inadequate, freezing in groups, failing in small talk. Feeling different and awkward. Its something to work on, but its not as totally bad as I used to be. So progress.

I don't know whether it gave me a lot today at the session. I made myself be open and honest. Its hard to say what you want and how you think you can get it. I could say what I wanted... but as to how it could be achieved? Hmmmmmm. At least I know her approach to counselling though. I am not sure its for me, paraphrasing and repeating back whats been said so I can see what i've really been saying, highlighting things. But... I have no experience so... when asked if this will be helpful, the answer is I dont know. I will try though. I wont know unless I give it an honest try, and if not... try something else. I dont know enough about counselling to know how to answer "what would help you". Maybe the most important thing today was to go.. to actually do it for me. I think it was also important to say i'd go back. It would have been too easy to just decide this wasnt for me and back off.

I know there are no answers.. and change has to come from me. I know everything comes from me. I guess I did get a few useful things. This was the first time I had told someone face to face how the marriage ended and some of the things that went on. The pillow over my face, threatened with scissors, the verbal abuse. Its the first time I've seen someones face when I've said this, and it not be in writing... and it was a shock. I guess I know how wrong it all was but, you get used to it and blase and like yeah... that was just normal. Seeing someones face though was shocking and made me think just how abnormal it was. I think it was also very true when she said I was very self-aware... I don't need to analyse this anymore, I have so many pieces of the jigsaw in my head I just dont know how to fit the pieces together. She suggested writing letters to people that I would never send... to get some of those feelings out. Well. I guess I had already started doing that here. This time its been with the emotion raw and left in.

So I really dont know. I will go back next week and I think that will tell me more if this will help or if I need to look for another approach. I need to relearn some of my reactions and behaviours so I STOP reacting in the same old ways to new situations. I did admit that I hate being like this... that the reason I pretend to be ok alone is because in reality I dont want to be, and I just get frustrated as I dont know how to be with people. I know change is painful and today was taking a risk but... you dont get anywhere without taking risks.