Confuzzled

I really wish I knew why I felt so hacked off at the moment. I'm feeling very uptight, frustrated, almost angry. I think once it passes I'll settle into apathy. It's not good. I'm snappy with people, don't want to be around people and definitely not good company. I'm also horny as hell which doesn't help, maybe thats a result of the excess energy thats seeping out, I don't know.

I had a big dose of inadequacy over the weekend. Firstly, meeting her pets, I had one of those screaming moments of "why does she want me?". They seem such intense amazing people and I am sure they have so much to give, and then there is me. For once I didn't stew and spoke to her about it and that helped a lot and I will hold her words close to me at all times. It's funny, that is one relationship I pretty much always feel comfortable with, secure in and never doubt. No matter what her situation or her current mood or how I am, I always know how she feels and I always know my place. It's a great source of strength for me. I am lucky, very very lucky. I hope to be able to see them again. It's good to see the differences and know we all give something special and unique. This was followed later by the whole food thing. The boy was off school yesterday so I think he was coming down from something, but again it clicked into that same feeling of feeling inadequate as a friend, dad, person, something I've suffered from on and off for a long long time.

So why? Well why and how do I get out of this. The first "how" is to write it down and let it out and stop beating myself up as I have been, quietly in the back of my head. Its how I feel so its what I write. Good, bad or ugly I need to write whats in my head. The why's are more complicated. I've a long-term friendship which has been strained by how I handled things, partially by that, partially by circumstances in their life making them have to pull-in and focus on themselves, partly by just a change in how we both are. I miss her. I miss talking to her on the phone so much it'd hurt if i let it, but i haven't let it, can't let it. I know it hurts as my eyes have teared up at work writing that even though I can barely let myself feel it. I'm scared of losing her as a friend and I've done everything I can, now its time to just let it be and I am so awful at that. Part of me is scared that in the end this will be like all my friendships have been, that it will not last because I'm too shallow and too messed up to be able to keep a friend. Past history kind of bears that out. Where are all my friends from years ago? I don't have any basically. Part of me is angry and wants to lash out at them childishly that they are not there for me at the moment. Part of me just blames me for behaving so badly in the first place. I love them and want to keep faith in them. They gave me the strength to restart and it suddenly feels very lonely without them there. I start to question myself about who and what I am and what value I have if I have no place with them anymore. Stupid, silly destructive feelings and I am fighting these feelings, its paranoia of the worst kind from my worst days. I will not let it kill me. I will not let it kill that friendship. I know I am my own worst enemy. I love my friend, have loved her for a long long time and I will trust in her despite myself. I miss her.

My landlady is home, this is always both a wonderful and strained thing. I get so used to living on my own it reminds me how hard I find it to be around people when she gets back. There have been nice times though, I am not scared to be affectionate with a hug or teasing push now, which is so different then before. It's just... odd having someone around, especially feeling on edge already, it makes me want to withdraw and hide away. It always takes a day or two to get back used to it. Of course then I hate it when she is gone.

Work is being very bitty, hassle hassle hassle eating away at time. Some little successes but more often than not just small annoying niggles building up. I don't like it when I never seem to get anything done, it demotivates me to even try. I want to get my teeth into something. I saw a job on the web today and I may apply for it. Its quite a pay cut and I have a feeling they'll think I am overqualified but it might be worth it just to see. It's with a research lab really close to home and that tweaked my interest... imagine being around people that actually want to be there and get excited about what they do? I have to admit I wasnt in a great mood for my performance review at work today. Not really wanting to talk about long term career goals.

I think a lot (and yes... I know she said this and as normal she is right, she knows me better than I know myself) its part of the letting go of the tension of getting myself worked up from going out last week. I guess I had got myself uptight and pushed and pushed and pushed to make sure I did it and then afterwards it was a release, come down, and a lot of strain coming out from the anticipation/expectation/fear and its left me washed out. It's also left me thinking "what now" as that was one of my goals and I think I feel a little lost and "what now?". In fact I feel very much that. I don't have anything to really drive for or strive for now. Saying "striving for yourself" and stuff is all nice and pretty but its not really something I can focus on. I need goals. Feeling aimless just lets me start picking on myself. I also start to panic thinking I can't do this... it took so much just to do one simple thing everyone takes for granted, how can I really keep my life on track and make friends and do stuff? It all feels so overwhelming again, where do I go from here?

So. Here stands one slightly frightened confused little pup, a bit mixed up in his own head, trying to not get worked up by being frustrated and now a little happier for admitting it and that he doesn't quite know what next. Maybe now I know where to start when I talk to my counsellor tonight.

I guess, as in all, time will tell.