Thursday

This has been a week of if not momentous changes, realisations of just how much has changed. I've realised I'm the only one that can ever actually make myself feel bad, or uncomfortable or out of place. No one else can do that to me, and its about time I stopped.

Monday night I had to work and was lucky enough to have those around I could just talk to without even thinking about it, to just enjoy their company.

Tuesday, I went for my second counselling session. I went fully expecting to come away having decided it wasn't for me. Instead I went in, confused the hell out of her, then filled in the vital missing information that made it all make sense. I told her, without embarrassment, without shame, without even worrying about her reaction that I was exploring the bdsm world as this is where I was at the moment. I went in thinking I would have nothing to say and in the end found more than enough to say, and learnt new ways of reacting. I admitted how I cope with my fears, the little traps I set myself to prevent myself from giving up. I came away feeling hopeful, positive, even looking forward to the next session without worrying about where we would go.

Wednesday I hurt a friend. It was unintentional, I spoke about how something felt and my reaction was tainted by all my old responses. I hated hurting her, I hate the fact she still hurts. I didn't feel good about myself... but when I got home I didn't go into a dark depression, it was there, it wanted to come out but... I took care of myself. I made myself eat (I have a bad habit of not eating when I am down and feel not worth looking after). I made myself be quiet and not beat myself up. I made myself not lose the evening online but got on, tidied the house ready for the weekend coming. Did what I needed to and in the end, felt saddened by what had happened but... in control. Being down on myself wouldn't make it all better. In the end all I can do is keep going forward to STOP myself reacting like that. Thats the only way to really make things alright.

Thursday. Tonight. I spoke to my ex. I told her how last weeks incident had made me feel, not harshly, but gently. Just look... this is what happened, this is how I felt, please don't try and back me into a corner. I phoned a friend who things have been strained with, took the initiative. I've done what I can, but I can at least know I've tried. Oh wow. I went to the munch for the first time and met some lovely people. Yup, little old me went into a pub and spent nearly 3 hrs with a group of complete strangers and didn't feel uncomfortable or out of place. Being in a group and meeting strangers are two of my worst possible nightmares and not only did I do it.. I didn't just endure it, I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was good. I spoke a little, listened an awful lot *smile* and enjoyed the company. I don't think I've ever sat in a group for the first time and just felt at ease letting people talk around me. Listening to myself talk, I think I saw how much has changed without me realising. I am never going to be the big social person, but I don't think I will ever call myself shy again. Quiet. Reserved. But not shy. Almost comfortable with how I am. I've always felt I had to apologise for who I was, but not now. People talking about their experiences, the many many years they've been in the scene, little me... new, never played with another in real life. Six months ago that would have made me feel awkward, intimidated, out of place. Tonight? Tonight I just gushed about my tail. *sighs happily* Telling complete strangers the sheer joy of wandering round the house naked with your tail swishing against you. I'm just how I am. Thats just where I am. It's not wrong. Honestly? I don't know if I will ever get chance to play with someone in real life. Maybe the opportunity will never arise. Maybe I'll never meet the right person around me. Maybe I'll not even want to take it that way. Honestly? It doesn't matter. This is who I am and its part of me and I love it being part of me. Submissive? Switch? or just plain old kinky? I don't care. I wouldn't wish it away for the world. I adore my owner and am so glad she can share this with me, how I feel now and thank her for being there those times I was such hard work. I'm glad she can share some of the rewards.

Most of all tonight? I'm pretty damn proud of me. Now thats not something I've said too many times before.

The future is going to be difficult, but suddenly it doesn't quite so impossible.