If you havent seen the video for "Weird Al" Yankovic's White & Nerdy you just have to. It is such a laugh out loud funny parody of Riding Dirty.
Is it scary though that I've done 2/3rds of the things in there? Hmmmm must go back and check to see if there was a linux penguin in there!
little geeky puddly puppy
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Cocks
I've begun to appreciate just how yummy a cock can look. Well, realise is probably a miswording. Trained to appreciate is probably much more accurate. There is something about it that makes you want to run your fingers lightly down the shaft, feel it twitch automatically under your fingertips in response. Watch the soft uncontrolled way it grows, almost as if it has a life of its own... it will do what it wants, respond to what it wants, whoever, whatever provokes it. To wrap your fingers around it, squeezing to feel the girth, the heat... maybe a slow tug to reveal the head. Something to explore, tease, provoke, a little dance between you and it. It will want you... it will have you. Building up, each touch, stroke, caress building to an inevitible reaction. Spasm after spasm, such a beautiful sight as it releases.
I don't fancy guys. I know I don't... but that cock can still leave me mesmerised, even if I won't give a second glance to the person its attached to.
Ummm I think I need a cold shower.
I don't fancy guys. I know I don't... but that cock can still leave me mesmerised, even if I won't give a second glance to the person its attached to.
Ummm I think I need a cold shower.
Start of new things
I had my fourth counselling session tonight. Fourth out of the five I was allowed on healthcare. It went well, but it was very strange. She said I looked happy and I was. We sat and talked and I told her all the good things that had happened this week, even the harder things which I had made myself see the good side of. I feel positive about myself, I know there are things I dislike and find hard but... I know I've come a long way and I can see that. Several situations the last week would have got me down before but I saw the good bits in how I behaved and not just the bad. I've done things just for myself, because I thought they were good for me, stood my ground, said no to things which are bad for me. So many changes. I didn't have a single negative thing to say that was troubling me.
I think I am pretty comfortable with where I am at the moment. Its just a step in the way, but my head is clear and I know what I need to do for now. So. I said that was it for now... I know I can go back if I want, pay for it myself. I will do that. I don't think I need it for now, as now its time to live and put into practice what I've learnt. When things start to get confused or mixed up again, I will ring up... go back for 2, 3 times to get things clear again. A month, 3 months, 6 months time, I dont know when it will be, but now I know how to get help and I know it does help.
I think I am pretty comfortable with where I am at the moment. Its just a step in the way, but my head is clear and I know what I need to do for now. So. I said that was it for now... I know I can go back if I want, pay for it myself. I will do that. I don't think I need it for now, as now its time to live and put into practice what I've learnt. When things start to get confused or mixed up again, I will ring up... go back for 2, 3 times to get things clear again. A month, 3 months, 6 months time, I dont know when it will be, but now I know how to get help and I know it does help.
She's staying!
My car passed! Woohooo
*big grins all around and does a happy little dance*
Such silly things we take for granted until we worry they will be taken away. Sorry people who laugh at my car, she's staying!
*big grins all around and does a happy little dance*
Such silly things we take for granted until we worry they will be taken away. Sorry people who laugh at my car, she's staying!
Mine
My car is in for its MOT today, to get it checked over and prove she is motorworthy again for another year. I have to admit I'm kinda nervous, that car has done me well over the last 3 years but she is getting on and slowly slowly little bits are starting working. If she can get through just one more time... Its a shame, she is such a good little runner, its stupid things. The sunroof leaks now (much to the amusement of the boy when we drive off and a thin stream of water runs down over the passenger or driver depending on which way you turn). The drivers door lock was gashed and rendered unusuable by a screwdriver attack by someone that tried to steal it a few months back (I felt SO violated at that, my car is basically all I walked away with when we seperated. She is MINE.). She leaks oil and coolant a little. Just little things of old age. But, she runs like a dream, drives like a princess, steers like she knows what I am thinking and she eats those country roads hugging the corners and shocking everyone that such a naff old looking car can move quite that sharpish. She is mine and when time comes I will be so sad to see her go. Just one more year though. Please.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Like naughty school kids
What a completely hysterical day. I can't remember when I quite laughed so much. The plan had been to go to a car boot sale this morning and then maybe a pub lunch. When we woke it was pouring with rain so we faffed around and groused about it until it cleared up. Well I faffed and she groused. She is very good at that. If it were an olympic sport it'd be a dead cert who would win. She also enjoys it far too much to disillusion her. Well once we had finally decided to get our butts out the door with the next door neighbour and drive to the car boot the fun started. Its hard to describe the relationship I have with the landlady. We've finally settled into a comfortable banter and teasing without being worried too much about what goes on, as well as a close friendship where we can talk about pretty much everything. Things are definitely a lot simpler since she knew all about my tastes and inclinations. We can joke or tease about it and its just fun.
This did mean though constant teasing as we went around the boot sale. From comments in the car about "the house boy"to the neighbour, to pointing at a pink slinky silky thing hanging from someones stall and saying that'd suit me, to various comments regarding the bunny tail of a soft toy. I really do not know what our neighbour ended up thinking. Considering the amount I bitched back she probably just gave up trying to know what to think. I have to admit, I had got a few good comments in earlier in the morning... the coffee spluttering choking kind ;-).
As it was early we ended up at the local market and then home for lunch. The rest of the day kind of carried on the same way. I am not sure quite why or how... but we ended up giggling like school kids for most of the day. Its now 9pm and I have no idea where the time has gone. We dont seem to have done anything, but its lovely. From washing the mud off the car from the field for the car boot, to just smoozing round the house, to trying to set up her mp3 ringtones on her phone (I have never seen someone get QUITE so excited about setting up ring tones or groups on their phone. For some reason I appear to be the sole occupant of a group labelled "humiliation sluts" - I really have no idea what her bf will think when he next see's her phone).
So now we are nicely warmed up, having talked to some mutual friends, teased, laughed, giggled and eating home made bread and butter pudding with brandy. This day has just flown by, and i can't remember a Sunday quite like it just forever. I miss the boy, but for once... relaxing, not doing that 2 1/2 hr drive to drop the boy off, enjoying good company... This has been such a perfect Sunday.
This did mean though constant teasing as we went around the boot sale. From comments in the car about "the house boy"to the neighbour, to pointing at a pink slinky silky thing hanging from someones stall and saying that'd suit me, to various comments regarding the bunny tail of a soft toy. I really do not know what our neighbour ended up thinking. Considering the amount I bitched back she probably just gave up trying to know what to think. I have to admit, I had got a few good comments in earlier in the morning... the coffee spluttering choking kind ;-).
As it was early we ended up at the local market and then home for lunch. The rest of the day kind of carried on the same way. I am not sure quite why or how... but we ended up giggling like school kids for most of the day. Its now 9pm and I have no idea where the time has gone. We dont seem to have done anything, but its lovely. From washing the mud off the car from the field for the car boot, to just smoozing round the house, to trying to set up her mp3 ringtones on her phone (I have never seen someone get QUITE so excited about setting up ring tones or groups on their phone. For some reason I appear to be the sole occupant of a group labelled "humiliation sluts" - I really have no idea what her bf will think when he next see's her phone).
So now we are nicely warmed up, having talked to some mutual friends, teased, laughed, giggled and eating home made bread and butter pudding with brandy. This day has just flown by, and i can't remember a Sunday quite like it just forever. I miss the boy, but for once... relaxing, not doing that 2 1/2 hr drive to drop the boy off, enjoying good company... This has been such a perfect Sunday.
Saturday
Tonight my ex and I were chatting as I dropped the boy off. I was being nosey and teased her about dating and she finally told me about the guy I know she has been receiving text messages from for months. It turns out to be the guy who was her first lover, so so many years ago when she was young and on holiday. I knew she had started talking to him again just before we split, just as friends. He has been asking her out since April and she finally went to see him last week.
I have to say I think its so sweet. I think its sweet she finally hooked up with someone that respected her enough and was sensitive enough to wait til she was ready to go even one step more. I'm also a terrible incorrigable old romantic and the thought of her ending up with her first lover, now an age gap doesnt matter and things have changed. Well it makes a nice little click with me that makes me go "awwwww". We talked, I told her I was proud of her for taking it slow, that she was a daft so and so for not telling me before, that she should just stay over next week rather than make such a long journey as the boy and I were fine and she could still get back if she were really needed. I also told her point blank, without being nosey, that if something did happen between them I was still going to file for the divorce after the two years seperation and anything that happened wouldnt get dragged into it.
I do find these weekends a little difficult, the ones where the boy has to be back at his mums on the Sat evening as he has a party to go to. I miss him so much and it feels hard to cram everything into a few hours, especially as we have to linger near where he lives to avoid wasting the time. Today we went shopping for his mums birthday present for next month and we had fun. Popped into see my nan on the way home for her birthday. He is such a delight. Even that short time today was so wonderful. Ending it with feeling so good for the ex, that was a pretty good day.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Proud
So. Last night to cheer up the mood in the house I let the landlady stroke and hold the tail. NOT attached I hasten to add. She agrees with me totally thats its just THE most beautiful thing.
*sighs happily* its like a compliment to me...
*sighs happily* its like a compliment to me...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Smile
OK... writing that blog at lunch let go a lot of frustration and I feel so much calmer now. Calm enough to go to my counselling tonight and let it all out and vent and grouse and not feel bad about what I said about everyone and everything and get somethings a little clearer. Everything is a choice, do we see things as good? do we see things as bad?
Do we look at a situation and see how we screwed up? Do we look at it and say look at what I did? I had started doing the former again but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to live. I want to see the glass half full. Its an attitude adjustment and its a slow one. At least I recognise when I go down the wrong road now and pull back quicker. Time. Lots and lots of time. But I am smiling.
Do we look at a situation and see how we screwed up? Do we look at it and say look at what I did? I had started doing the former again but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to live. I want to see the glass half full. Its an attitude adjustment and its a slow one. At least I recognise when I go down the wrong road now and pull back quicker. Time. Lots and lots of time. But I am smiling.
Confuzzled
I really wish I knew why I felt so hacked off at the moment. I'm feeling very uptight, frustrated, almost angry. I think once it passes I'll settle into apathy. It's not good. I'm snappy with people, don't want to be around people and definitely not good company. I'm also horny as hell which doesn't help, maybe thats a result of the excess energy thats seeping out, I don't know.
I had a big dose of inadequacy over the weekend. Firstly, meeting her pets, I had one of those screaming moments of "why does she want me?". They seem such intense amazing people and I am sure they have so much to give, and then there is me. For once I didn't stew and spoke to her about it and that helped a lot and I will hold her words close to me at all times. It's funny, that is one relationship I pretty much always feel comfortable with, secure in and never doubt. No matter what her situation or her current mood or how I am, I always know how she feels and I always know my place. It's a great source of strength for me. I am lucky, very very lucky. I hope to be able to see them again. It's good to see the differences and know we all give something special and unique. This was followed later by the whole food thing. The boy was off school yesterday so I think he was coming down from something, but again it clicked into that same feeling of feeling inadequate as a friend, dad, person, something I've suffered from on and off for a long long time.
So why? Well why and how do I get out of this. The first "how" is to write it down and let it out and stop beating myself up as I have been, quietly in the back of my head. Its how I feel so its what I write. Good, bad or ugly I need to write whats in my head. The why's are more complicated. I've a long-term friendship which has been strained by how I handled things, partially by that, partially by circumstances in their life making them have to pull-in and focus on themselves, partly by just a change in how we both are. I miss her. I miss talking to her on the phone so much it'd hurt if i let it, but i haven't let it, can't let it. I know it hurts as my eyes have teared up at work writing that even though I can barely let myself feel it. I'm scared of losing her as a friend and I've done everything I can, now its time to just let it be and I am so awful at that. Part of me is scared that in the end this will be like all my friendships have been, that it will not last because I'm too shallow and too messed up to be able to keep a friend. Past history kind of bears that out. Where are all my friends from years ago? I don't have any basically. Part of me is angry and wants to lash out at them childishly that they are not there for me at the moment. Part of me just blames me for behaving so badly in the first place. I love them and want to keep faith in them. They gave me the strength to restart and it suddenly feels very lonely without them there. I start to question myself about who and what I am and what value I have if I have no place with them anymore. Stupid, silly destructive feelings and I am fighting these feelings, its paranoia of the worst kind from my worst days. I will not let it kill me. I will not let it kill that friendship. I know I am my own worst enemy. I love my friend, have loved her for a long long time and I will trust in her despite myself. I miss her.
My landlady is home, this is always both a wonderful and strained thing. I get so used to living on my own it reminds me how hard I find it to be around people when she gets back. There have been nice times though, I am not scared to be affectionate with a hug or teasing push now, which is so different then before. It's just... odd having someone around, especially feeling on edge already, it makes me want to withdraw and hide away. It always takes a day or two to get back used to it. Of course then I hate it when she is gone.
Work is being very bitty, hassle hassle hassle eating away at time. Some little successes but more often than not just small annoying niggles building up. I don't like it when I never seem to get anything done, it demotivates me to even try. I want to get my teeth into something. I saw a job on the web today and I may apply for it. Its quite a pay cut and I have a feeling they'll think I am overqualified but it might be worth it just to see. It's with a research lab really close to home and that tweaked my interest... imagine being around people that actually want to be there and get excited about what they do? I have to admit I wasnt in a great mood for my performance review at work today. Not really wanting to talk about long term career goals.
I think a lot (and yes... I know she said this and as normal she is right, she knows me better than I know myself) its part of the letting go of the tension of getting myself worked up from going out last week. I guess I had got myself uptight and pushed and pushed and pushed to make sure I did it and then afterwards it was a release, come down, and a lot of strain coming out from the anticipation/expectation/fear and its left me washed out. It's also left me thinking "what now" as that was one of my goals and I think I feel a little lost and "what now?". In fact I feel very much that. I don't have anything to really drive for or strive for now. Saying "striving for yourself" and stuff is all nice and pretty but its not really something I can focus on. I need goals. Feeling aimless just lets me start picking on myself. I also start to panic thinking I can't do this... it took so much just to do one simple thing everyone takes for granted, how can I really keep my life on track and make friends and do stuff? It all feels so overwhelming again, where do I go from here?
So. Here stands one slightly frightened confused little pup, a bit mixed up in his own head, trying to not get worked up by being frustrated and now a little happier for admitting it and that he doesn't quite know what next. Maybe now I know where to start when I talk to my counsellor tonight.
I guess, as in all, time will tell.
I had a big dose of inadequacy over the weekend. Firstly, meeting her pets, I had one of those screaming moments of "why does she want me?". They seem such intense amazing people and I am sure they have so much to give, and then there is me. For once I didn't stew and spoke to her about it and that helped a lot and I will hold her words close to me at all times. It's funny, that is one relationship I pretty much always feel comfortable with, secure in and never doubt. No matter what her situation or her current mood or how I am, I always know how she feels and I always know my place. It's a great source of strength for me. I am lucky, very very lucky. I hope to be able to see them again. It's good to see the differences and know we all give something special and unique. This was followed later by the whole food thing. The boy was off school yesterday so I think he was coming down from something, but again it clicked into that same feeling of feeling inadequate as a friend, dad, person, something I've suffered from on and off for a long long time.
So why? Well why and how do I get out of this. The first "how" is to write it down and let it out and stop beating myself up as I have been, quietly in the back of my head. Its how I feel so its what I write. Good, bad or ugly I need to write whats in my head. The why's are more complicated. I've a long-term friendship which has been strained by how I handled things, partially by that, partially by circumstances in their life making them have to pull-in and focus on themselves, partly by just a change in how we both are. I miss her. I miss talking to her on the phone so much it'd hurt if i let it, but i haven't let it, can't let it. I know it hurts as my eyes have teared up at work writing that even though I can barely let myself feel it. I'm scared of losing her as a friend and I've done everything I can, now its time to just let it be and I am so awful at that. Part of me is scared that in the end this will be like all my friendships have been, that it will not last because I'm too shallow and too messed up to be able to keep a friend. Past history kind of bears that out. Where are all my friends from years ago? I don't have any basically. Part of me is angry and wants to lash out at them childishly that they are not there for me at the moment. Part of me just blames me for behaving so badly in the first place. I love them and want to keep faith in them. They gave me the strength to restart and it suddenly feels very lonely without them there. I start to question myself about who and what I am and what value I have if I have no place with them anymore. Stupid, silly destructive feelings and I am fighting these feelings, its paranoia of the worst kind from my worst days. I will not let it kill me. I will not let it kill that friendship. I know I am my own worst enemy. I love my friend, have loved her for a long long time and I will trust in her despite myself. I miss her.
My landlady is home, this is always both a wonderful and strained thing. I get so used to living on my own it reminds me how hard I find it to be around people when she gets back. There have been nice times though, I am not scared to be affectionate with a hug or teasing push now, which is so different then before. It's just... odd having someone around, especially feeling on edge already, it makes me want to withdraw and hide away. It always takes a day or two to get back used to it. Of course then I hate it when she is gone.
Work is being very bitty, hassle hassle hassle eating away at time. Some little successes but more often than not just small annoying niggles building up. I don't like it when I never seem to get anything done, it demotivates me to even try. I want to get my teeth into something. I saw a job on the web today and I may apply for it. Its quite a pay cut and I have a feeling they'll think I am overqualified but it might be worth it just to see. It's with a research lab really close to home and that tweaked my interest... imagine being around people that actually want to be there and get excited about what they do? I have to admit I wasnt in a great mood for my performance review at work today. Not really wanting to talk about long term career goals.
I think a lot (and yes... I know she said this and as normal she is right, she knows me better than I know myself) its part of the letting go of the tension of getting myself worked up from going out last week. I guess I had got myself uptight and pushed and pushed and pushed to make sure I did it and then afterwards it was a release, come down, and a lot of strain coming out from the anticipation/expectation/fear and its left me washed out. It's also left me thinking "what now" as that was one of my goals and I think I feel a little lost and "what now?". In fact I feel very much that. I don't have anything to really drive for or strive for now. Saying "striving for yourself" and stuff is all nice and pretty but its not really something I can focus on. I need goals. Feeling aimless just lets me start picking on myself. I also start to panic thinking I can't do this... it took so much just to do one simple thing everyone takes for granted, how can I really keep my life on track and make friends and do stuff? It all feels so overwhelming again, where do I go from here?
So. Here stands one slightly frightened confused little pup, a bit mixed up in his own head, trying to not get worked up by being frustrated and now a little happier for admitting it and that he doesn't quite know what next. Maybe now I know where to start when I talk to my counsellor tonight.
I guess, as in all, time will tell.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Food
A difficult lunch. These are the times when I begin to feel a little out of my depth in the whole single-dad thing. I think we all do about somethings (there is no manual on how to be a parent), my particular ones are over food and if the boy is playing up in front of people whose opinion matters to me.
The landlady made us a lovely lunch. The boy was a little out of sorts, still tired from the day before and much as I love him to pieces and above everything else... he can be a crabbit little sod when he hasnt had enough sleep and is still tired (I know he was tired as he fell asleep the whole hour and a bit journey back home to his Mum this evening). I know I get a little uptight over meal times with him anyway. I'll admit, I am not a good influence food wise. I don't eat well myself and being single and on my own all the time tend to resort to to ready meals to make sure I eat. Its bad, its lazy but its better than getting home from work tired and just eating cereal - or worse just skipping it, both of which I've done regularly. Anyway I do try at weekends to make sure he eats lots of fruit and a mixture of stuff but I know he doesn't eat as well here as at home. I think I try more than I used to, but I'm defensive about it. It doesnt help the landlady is a trained cook, creative, loves food. I know she understands how I am, but I tense up when it comes to meal times around the boy. Anyway today she cooked and the boy was grumpy and playing up. Playing with his food, trying to use his fingers, refusing to eat much of anything. We got him to eat eventually but it was such a fight. It was a little embarrasing, but we made it through. I know its something a lot of parents struggle with, meal times. At least nowadays I recognise when I get uptight over it that its me being defensive and so don't get too mad.
He was very quiet and his mum says he has had tummyache this evening. I guess maybe he wasn't feeling well after all, its just so hard to know when they are trying it on.
The landlady made us a lovely lunch. The boy was a little out of sorts, still tired from the day before and much as I love him to pieces and above everything else... he can be a crabbit little sod when he hasnt had enough sleep and is still tired (I know he was tired as he fell asleep the whole hour and a bit journey back home to his Mum this evening). I know I get a little uptight over meal times with him anyway. I'll admit, I am not a good influence food wise. I don't eat well myself and being single and on my own all the time tend to resort to to ready meals to make sure I eat. Its bad, its lazy but its better than getting home from work tired and just eating cereal - or worse just skipping it, both of which I've done regularly. Anyway I do try at weekends to make sure he eats lots of fruit and a mixture of stuff but I know he doesn't eat as well here as at home. I think I try more than I used to, but I'm defensive about it. It doesnt help the landlady is a trained cook, creative, loves food. I know she understands how I am, but I tense up when it comes to meal times around the boy. Anyway today she cooked and the boy was grumpy and playing up. Playing with his food, trying to use his fingers, refusing to eat much of anything. We got him to eat eventually but it was such a fight. It was a little embarrasing, but we made it through. I know its something a lot of parents struggle with, meal times. At least nowadays I recognise when I get uptight over it that its me being defensive and so don't get too mad.
He was very quiet and his mum says he has had tummyache this evening. I guess maybe he wasn't feeling well after all, its just so hard to know when they are trying it on.
Berks County Fair
We had such a lovely day yesterday. Tiring as hell but great. Didn't quite know what to expect at the Royal Berks County show but I think it was well worth it. We ended up being there for about 7 hrs and with totally sore feet!
The show is a mixture of a market, a sales room, a farmers playpit, a country fair, an animal exhibition, a competition and well anything else you can think of that might be vaguely country related! We got there and after being impressed with how well organised it was settled in to wander around. Many things weren't our scene but it was nice to have a gander anyway. We started off by running into the BBC exhibition. This is a mobile thing they take round to shows and let kids and adults see how the news is done on TV and radio. One person becomes the tv news reader, one person runs the autocue, another is the radio presenter, another the producer... well you get the idea. It's proper kit and they record it on DVD as radio/video for them to take home. We stood and watched it for about 30mins to see both the "tv" and "radio" news broadcasts. Quite brilliant and I think a great investment of our license fee. I am not even being sarcastic for once! Unfortunately they were already fully booked by the time we got there so couldnt put the boy upto be a producer which was a shame. We had fun watching them and I had one a minor star-struck moment. The lady doing the talk about what was going on, linking it together and generally hosting it was Maggie Philbin who yeaaaaaaaars ago used to host tomorrows world and i had a huge huge crush on at the time (pretty lady + science talk, enough to get my pulse racing ;-) god such a geek!). So boy stood and watched the tv/radio stuff happily while i just grinned stupidly and sent SMS's to anyone i could think of. Very stupidly. Ok so she hasnt aged totally gracefully but I mean. She did Tomorrow's World!! She was lovely too, very friendly and personable, just like on TV. Well, we finally tore ourself away and started to wander around the stalls, peeking in at the charity stalls, browsing, trying to look at the tractors for sale as if we knew what they were.
The horticulture exhibition was beautiful. Bonsai, cacti, flowers, dried stuff, so many displays. Not exactly our thing but you couldn't help but enjoy browsing round and pretending to make vaguely knowledgable comments. Then onwards, through the british army and the boy got to fire a paint ball gun for a few rounds much to his delight (his mum has a thing against guns and stuff so he always delights when I take him through the army bits). He wasnt a bad shot either, the little bugger. I couldn't restrain him anymore after that and we had to go find his ferret. We found them and spoke to one of the lady's and she knew all about the boy's naming the little thing last week so went and woke amber up. Ummm she wasn't happy about this! Little wriggling biting ball of fuss she was. Needless to say the boy did not hold her, but he was chuffed to see her again.
We were there a long long old time. Highlights? So many but the ultimate for me was the wolves. I've loved wolves so long and couldn't believe they had a wolf enclosure there. Two of the beautiful beasts within a large metal cage. We waited out turn and were in time let through the double gates and given the little talk about how to approach them. These two had been happily dozing all the time we waited, being petted quietly, upto the point we were let into the cage. It was then almost time for the next talk about them so they woke them both up and got them up onto their feet just before we walked over to them.
Offer your fist to her, she said, keep it between you and her and let her lick or sniff it. You stay at the sharp pointy end while the boy goes round the back and strokes under the belly. I think we were so lucky to see them standing up, to see their height and lean shape, to see the eyes so bright and attentive as it sniffed my hand. Beautiful creature. While the boy stroked under her belly I could then walk round the other side and do the same. Soft short hair and such a powerful frame. *sighs happily* I think for me the whole day was worth it just for that. Such an amazing animal and everything I thought they would be. This is the one we petted -
The show is a mixture of a market, a sales room, a farmers playpit, a country fair, an animal exhibition, a competition and well anything else you can think of that might be vaguely country related! We got there and after being impressed with how well organised it was settled in to wander around. Many things weren't our scene but it was nice to have a gander anyway. We started off by running into the BBC exhibition. This is a mobile thing they take round to shows and let kids and adults see how the news is done on TV and radio. One person becomes the tv news reader, one person runs the autocue, another is the radio presenter, another the producer... well you get the idea. It's proper kit and they record it on DVD as radio/video for them to take home. We stood and watched it for about 30mins to see both the "tv" and "radio" news broadcasts. Quite brilliant and I think a great investment of our license fee. I am not even being sarcastic for once! Unfortunately they were already fully booked by the time we got there so couldnt put the boy upto be a producer which was a shame. We had fun watching them and I had one a minor star-struck moment. The lady doing the talk about what was going on, linking it together and generally hosting it was Maggie Philbin who yeaaaaaaaars ago used to host tomorrows world and i had a huge huge crush on at the time (pretty lady + science talk, enough to get my pulse racing ;-) god such a geek!). So boy stood and watched the tv/radio stuff happily while i just grinned stupidly and sent SMS's to anyone i could think of. Very stupidly. Ok so she hasnt aged totally gracefully but I mean. She did Tomorrow's World!! She was lovely too, very friendly and personable, just like on TV. Well, we finally tore ourself away and started to wander around the stalls, peeking in at the charity stalls, browsing, trying to look at the tractors for sale as if we knew what they were.
The horticulture exhibition was beautiful. Bonsai, cacti, flowers, dried stuff, so many displays. Not exactly our thing but you couldn't help but enjoy browsing round and pretending to make vaguely knowledgable comments. Then onwards, through the british army and the boy got to fire a paint ball gun for a few rounds much to his delight (his mum has a thing against guns and stuff so he always delights when I take him through the army bits). He wasnt a bad shot either, the little bugger. I couldn't restrain him anymore after that and we had to go find his ferret. We found them and spoke to one of the lady's and she knew all about the boy's naming the little thing last week so went and woke amber up. Ummm she wasn't happy about this! Little wriggling biting ball of fuss she was. Needless to say the boy did not hold her, but he was chuffed to see her again.
We were there a long long old time. Highlights? So many but the ultimate for me was the wolves. I've loved wolves so long and couldn't believe they had a wolf enclosure there. Two of the beautiful beasts within a large metal cage. We waited out turn and were in time let through the double gates and given the little talk about how to approach them. These two had been happily dozing all the time we waited, being petted quietly, upto the point we were let into the cage. It was then almost time for the next talk about them so they woke them both up and got them up onto their feet just before we walked over to them.
Offer your fist to her, she said, keep it between you and her and let her lick or sniff it. You stay at the sharp pointy end while the boy goes round the back and strokes under the belly. I think we were so lucky to see them standing up, to see their height and lean shape, to see the eyes so bright and attentive as it sniffed my hand. Beautiful creature. While the boy stroked under her belly I could then walk round the other side and do the same. Soft short hair and such a powerful frame. *sighs happily* I think for me the whole day was worth it just for that. Such an amazing animal and everything I thought they would be. This is the one we petted -
Show jumping, watching the farrier competitions as they raced to make their horseshoes, craft and country food stalls, sheep dog demonstrations, ummm what else did we see? Ohhhh we stood in the middle of the display room totally surrounded by hunting hounds of various types, harriers, hounds and our very very very very favourite, a pack of excitable beagles! We would have stayed there for hours stroking these lovely lil things (and no, they weren't quite as cute as my friends, but damn close *sighs* well there is still hope) but we had to move on.
The boy ended up with two major grins on his face. We went to see the ferret racing three times. The second time we went someone pointed the boy out to the main person while he was doing his race spiel. He came straight over, shook the boys hand and proceeded to tell the whole crowd about last weeks naming. The boy was just beaming proud as he was pointed out. The second major grin was during the last race when amber came second. Considering what a vicious little thing she was being its amazing they even got her started let along anything else.
So, one content happy tired boy. Job well done. We will definitely be back next year and this time a little more organised as what to do! Hopefully the boy will be tall enough to go off-roading next time too!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Happy houseboy
MMMMmmmmmm nothing like a happy activity to push yourself through the dolldrums. Tonight I've been the happy houseboy getting ready for someone to return. Favourite food is in the oven, snacks are ready, fridge is full for the weekend, house is spotless, everything is just purrrrrrrfect
*wiggles happily in contentment*
So now I am happily knackered to drift off to sleep, and I didn't let myself get down. Wooohooo.
if only i could have had the tail...
*wiggles happily in contentment*
So now I am happily knackered to drift off to sleep, and I didn't let myself get down. Wooohooo.
if only i could have had the tail...
Tired and empty
I am so very very very tired tonight. The high is definitely gone. I need to get the shopping done, finish the last few things around the house and get my ass to bed I think.
I just don't think I've got the energy to be around people, not without getting myself down anyway. Does it always take this much of you to make yourself do things? Is there always nothing left over after? Thats how it feels tonight, that there is just nothing left now, all of me is gone.
I just don't think I've got the energy to be around people, not without getting myself down anyway. Does it always take this much of you to make yourself do things? Is there always nothing left over after? Thats how it feels tonight, that there is just nothing left now, all of me is gone.
Not crash, just drift
Today I am tired. Well hell I didn't get to bed til 1.30 in the end. It had nothing to do with the vodka and oranges, honest. Possibly a little hyper-ness and unwinding had something to do with it. So after the trek home unwound, got trounced at scrabble, wrote and finally curled up in bed far too late.
I can feel lurking in the corner of my mind all those little doubts that come out when I am tired, wanting to think about yesterday, start analysing it and finding ways to crisicise myself. Poking at it. Oh you sounded stupid saying that, oh that must make you sound a nerd, oh... well you know the sort of thing. I won't though. I'm not going to let it. I know I am tired and after such a high for the last day I'd normally end up crashing down when something gets to me. Start looking at the future and then panic as I realise how far there is to go and how I don't know how to get there. Not going to let that happen now. Not going to fuss at it, just going to say it was a good time and move on. I know what I do and am going to stop it.
I can feel lurking in the corner of my mind all those little doubts that come out when I am tired, wanting to think about yesterday, start analysing it and finding ways to crisicise myself. Poking at it. Oh you sounded stupid saying that, oh that must make you sound a nerd, oh... well you know the sort of thing. I won't though. I'm not going to let it. I know I am tired and after such a high for the last day I'd normally end up crashing down when something gets to me. Start looking at the future and then panic as I realise how far there is to go and how I don't know how to get there. Not going to let that happen now. Not going to fuss at it, just going to say it was a good time and move on. I know what I do and am going to stop it.
The boy
I had a long chat with my ex on the phone last night, after the munch. I'm glad we cleared the air earlier and it made me feel more comfortable talking to her, after I'd avoided doing the whole "hiding how i felt as i didnt want to wind her up" thing. She was a little upset, the boy had been telling her how much he missed his dad and how much fun they had. He said he wished i lived closer. Ex and I talked a lot about what i do at weekends, the things he doesnt say. I make sure we go food shopping and do chores around the house, do the laundry. All normal day to day life things so that its not all just fun and games. I am well aware I have more money than her, and the weekends are basically free for me so it would be so easy to spoil him. But. I made a conscious decision to never spoil him, to never make it that weekends were all just fun with Daddy compared to a week of having to go to school, do homework, etc with Mum. That would be so unfair and wouldn't help him. I will not play him off against his Mum. Yes, we go out and do stuff and have a lot of fun at it, but it's the simple things that mean most, going to the park, going out to see places just to enjoy it together, sitting making a mosaic together and getting ourselves all gluey, sitting sticking cardboard boxes and yoghurt pots to make spaceships and ray-guns. I also need time for me, I love him dearly but I need a little bit of the weekend to relax from work too. So, there are those times when he will go off and play and I will just read or listen to music or just putter about the house. I think we have a good balance.
So I tried to show her this and she got a little less upset. However, hearing that he'd said that about me, that he wished I lived closer and that he loved the weekends. I could have burst. He's got a lot more affectionate the last couple of weeks and, like everything else at the moment, things seem to be clicking into place. I am so proud of my boy, how he has come along. He's been going to beavers now for a few months, he was so timid to start with. He's just got a trophy for being best beaver. He's just been made little leader of his group of four or five others. I'd not have thought it a few months back. He's proud of himself. I'm proud of him. I can't wait to see him tomorrow and just squeeze the hell out of that special little boy of mine.
So I tried to show her this and she got a little less upset. However, hearing that he'd said that about me, that he wished I lived closer and that he loved the weekends. I could have burst. He's got a lot more affectionate the last couple of weeks and, like everything else at the moment, things seem to be clicking into place. I am so proud of my boy, how he has come along. He's been going to beavers now for a few months, he was so timid to start with. He's just got a trophy for being best beaver. He's just been made little leader of his group of four or five others. I'd not have thought it a few months back. He's proud of himself. I'm proud of him. I can't wait to see him tomorrow and just squeeze the hell out of that special little boy of mine.
Thursday
This has been a week of if not momentous changes, realisations of just how much has changed. I've realised I'm the only one that can ever actually make myself feel bad, or uncomfortable or out of place. No one else can do that to me, and its about time I stopped.
Monday night I had to work and was lucky enough to have those around I could just talk to without even thinking about it, to just enjoy their company.
Tuesday, I went for my second counselling session. I went fully expecting to come away having decided it wasn't for me. Instead I went in, confused the hell out of her, then filled in the vital missing information that made it all make sense. I told her, without embarrassment, without shame, without even worrying about her reaction that I was exploring the bdsm world as this is where I was at the moment. I went in thinking I would have nothing to say and in the end found more than enough to say, and learnt new ways of reacting. I admitted how I cope with my fears, the little traps I set myself to prevent myself from giving up. I came away feeling hopeful, positive, even looking forward to the next session without worrying about where we would go.
Wednesday I hurt a friend. It was unintentional, I spoke about how something felt and my reaction was tainted by all my old responses. I hated hurting her, I hate the fact she still hurts. I didn't feel good about myself... but when I got home I didn't go into a dark depression, it was there, it wanted to come out but... I took care of myself. I made myself eat (I have a bad habit of not eating when I am down and feel not worth looking after). I made myself be quiet and not beat myself up. I made myself not lose the evening online but got on, tidied the house ready for the weekend coming. Did what I needed to and in the end, felt saddened by what had happened but... in control. Being down on myself wouldn't make it all better. In the end all I can do is keep going forward to STOP myself reacting like that. Thats the only way to really make things alright.
Thursday. Tonight. I spoke to my ex. I told her how last weeks incident had made me feel, not harshly, but gently. Just look... this is what happened, this is how I felt, please don't try and back me into a corner. I phoned a friend who things have been strained with, took the initiative. I've done what I can, but I can at least know I've tried. Oh wow. I went to the munch for the first time and met some lovely people. Yup, little old me went into a pub and spent nearly 3 hrs with a group of complete strangers and didn't feel uncomfortable or out of place. Being in a group and meeting strangers are two of my worst possible nightmares and not only did I do it.. I didn't just endure it, I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was good. I spoke a little, listened an awful lot *smile* and enjoyed the company. I don't think I've ever sat in a group for the first time and just felt at ease letting people talk around me. Listening to myself talk, I think I saw how much has changed without me realising. I am never going to be the big social person, but I don't think I will ever call myself shy again. Quiet. Reserved. But not shy. Almost comfortable with how I am. I've always felt I had to apologise for who I was, but not now. People talking about their experiences, the many many years they've been in the scene, little me... new, never played with another in real life. Six months ago that would have made me feel awkward, intimidated, out of place. Tonight? Tonight I just gushed about my tail. *sighs happily* Telling complete strangers the sheer joy of wandering round the house naked with your tail swishing against you. I'm just how I am. Thats just where I am. It's not wrong. Honestly? I don't know if I will ever get chance to play with someone in real life. Maybe the opportunity will never arise. Maybe I'll never meet the right person around me. Maybe I'll not even want to take it that way. Honestly? It doesn't matter. This is who I am and its part of me and I love it being part of me. Submissive? Switch? or just plain old kinky? I don't care. I wouldn't wish it away for the world. I adore my owner and am so glad she can share this with me, how I feel now and thank her for being there those times I was such hard work. I'm glad she can share some of the rewards.
Most of all tonight? I'm pretty damn proud of me. Now thats not something I've said too many times before.
The future is going to be difficult, but suddenly it doesn't quite so impossible.
Monday night I had to work and was lucky enough to have those around I could just talk to without even thinking about it, to just enjoy their company.
Tuesday, I went for my second counselling session. I went fully expecting to come away having decided it wasn't for me. Instead I went in, confused the hell out of her, then filled in the vital missing information that made it all make sense. I told her, without embarrassment, without shame, without even worrying about her reaction that I was exploring the bdsm world as this is where I was at the moment. I went in thinking I would have nothing to say and in the end found more than enough to say, and learnt new ways of reacting. I admitted how I cope with my fears, the little traps I set myself to prevent myself from giving up. I came away feeling hopeful, positive, even looking forward to the next session without worrying about where we would go.
Wednesday I hurt a friend. It was unintentional, I spoke about how something felt and my reaction was tainted by all my old responses. I hated hurting her, I hate the fact she still hurts. I didn't feel good about myself... but when I got home I didn't go into a dark depression, it was there, it wanted to come out but... I took care of myself. I made myself eat (I have a bad habit of not eating when I am down and feel not worth looking after). I made myself be quiet and not beat myself up. I made myself not lose the evening online but got on, tidied the house ready for the weekend coming. Did what I needed to and in the end, felt saddened by what had happened but... in control. Being down on myself wouldn't make it all better. In the end all I can do is keep going forward to STOP myself reacting like that. Thats the only way to really make things alright.
Thursday. Tonight. I spoke to my ex. I told her how last weeks incident had made me feel, not harshly, but gently. Just look... this is what happened, this is how I felt, please don't try and back me into a corner. I phoned a friend who things have been strained with, took the initiative. I've done what I can, but I can at least know I've tried. Oh wow. I went to the munch for the first time and met some lovely people. Yup, little old me went into a pub and spent nearly 3 hrs with a group of complete strangers and didn't feel uncomfortable or out of place. Being in a group and meeting strangers are two of my worst possible nightmares and not only did I do it.. I didn't just endure it, I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was good. I spoke a little, listened an awful lot *smile* and enjoyed the company. I don't think I've ever sat in a group for the first time and just felt at ease letting people talk around me. Listening to myself talk, I think I saw how much has changed without me realising. I am never going to be the big social person, but I don't think I will ever call myself shy again. Quiet. Reserved. But not shy. Almost comfortable with how I am. I've always felt I had to apologise for who I was, but not now. People talking about their experiences, the many many years they've been in the scene, little me... new, never played with another in real life. Six months ago that would have made me feel awkward, intimidated, out of place. Tonight? Tonight I just gushed about my tail. *sighs happily* Telling complete strangers the sheer joy of wandering round the house naked with your tail swishing against you. I'm just how I am. Thats just where I am. It's not wrong. Honestly? I don't know if I will ever get chance to play with someone in real life. Maybe the opportunity will never arise. Maybe I'll never meet the right person around me. Maybe I'll not even want to take it that way. Honestly? It doesn't matter. This is who I am and its part of me and I love it being part of me. Submissive? Switch? or just plain old kinky? I don't care. I wouldn't wish it away for the world. I adore my owner and am so glad she can share this with me, how I feel now and thank her for being there those times I was such hard work. I'm glad she can share some of the rewards.
Most of all tonight? I'm pretty damn proud of me. Now thats not something I've said too many times before.
The future is going to be difficult, but suddenly it doesn't quite so impossible.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Now
I was probably what could be classed as intellectually mature from my early teens. Various events meant I kind of grew up fairly sharpish and gained a lot more insight into how people worked than I should have when I would probably have been better just learning how to grow up.
I think... possibly, maybe, just... I may somehow now be reaching emotional maturity, maybe even sexual maturity too, after all this time. It's kind of a shock after all this time. A pretty nice one though.
Who knows. Maybe someday social maturity will join in and I'll have the full set. Then you probably really want to lock up your sons, daughters and small furries. Just in case.
I think... possibly, maybe, just... I may somehow now be reaching emotional maturity, maybe even sexual maturity too, after all this time. It's kind of a shock after all this time. A pretty nice one though.
Who knows. Maybe someday social maturity will join in and I'll have the full set. Then you probably really want to lock up your sons, daughters and small furries. Just in case.
The boots are made for...
We had to stop into the shops on the way home, embarrasingly yesterday while crouching on the grass watching the display I'd realised the reason my boots were letting in water was because the Scottish rain had managed to completely dissolve the soles on holiday... Whooooops.
So we swung by the shoe shop, promising the boy it would be quick. It was. Chosen paid for and ready to go in under 5mins. God its good being a guy sometimes. Annnnnd only 10quid too. The last pair lasted a year so I am not going to stick my nose up.
Anyway as I walked out the door I finally realised what was most important in a relationship. The one non-negotiable thing. Many other things we can work around but this... Nope. I'm sorry I have to be firm. There was a girl trying on a calf length pair of boots with front lacing and I had to hurry the boy out of the shop quickly before I puddled and offered to help.
You have GOT to let me lace up your boots. Ankle boots, calf length, thigh length... I don't mind. Anything else, we can work around ;-).
So we swung by the shoe shop, promising the boy it would be quick. It was. Chosen paid for and ready to go in under 5mins. God its good being a guy sometimes. Annnnnd only 10quid too. The last pair lasted a year so I am not going to stick my nose up.
Anyway as I walked out the door I finally realised what was most important in a relationship. The one non-negotiable thing. Many other things we can work around but this... Nope. I'm sorry I have to be firm. There was a girl trying on a calf length pair of boots with front lacing and I had to hurry the boy out of the shop quickly before I puddled and offered to help.
You have GOT to let me lace up your boots. Ankle boots, calf length, thigh length... I don't mind. Anything else, we can work around ;-).
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Country Fair
An amazing day. An early start, had to get my ass over to pick up the boy as his mum was going out, not really a problem as I did that annoying waking-up-wide-awake at 6am ready for work even though it was a Sat. Why can I wake up like that on Sat totally awake when I've struggled all week? Weiiiiiiiird. Probably as I went to bed content after getting everything done I needed to on Friday AND still managed to get to bed on time (yes, all my t-shirts now finally fit away and my underwear is all sorted and only what I want there remaining).
Drove to get the boy. Got to her house and didn't react at my best. I wasn't exactly happy to see her shall we say, so I suddenly felt pissed off and unwilling to go play nice. Polite yes. But definitely cold. I am sorry but... if she is going to be such a complete bitch I am not going to reward her with being nice and friendly back. Did that for too long. Maybe I've tried to be her friend too much. Well, whatever, I don't have to pretend anymore just for peace at home, I just have to make sure the boy is ok. So I got there, knocked and just asked if the boy was ready and when she asked if I was going to come in I said no... as I knew she was in a hurry and just waited. Grrrrrrr I hate it. I always just want to smile and pretend everythings ok, but thats what kept me in that mess. I am sure there is a middle line somewhere.
Well, the boy was happy as anything and we spent the entire journey back home talking about school. He is SO chirpy about school. In his old school when I asked him about what he had done he would just say he couldnt remember. He didn't stop this time. They've been doing about the egyptians and he was so proud he knew an answer in class from things he had remembered when we'd talked before. He just loved it. He told me about the hieroglyphics they had had to try drawing. He told me about the gods and goddesses they had been drawing, Isis, Osiris, Anubis... (it was like listening to an episode of Stargate SG-1 ;-)). Seems they are going on a trip to the british museum soon which he is really excited about. His memory amazes me (but then I don't know many 7 year olds, so don't know whats normal) but he remembered what I'd told him about the Rosetta Stone there and how and why it was important. He even remembered the languages it had written on it. He does amaze me sometimes... but it does make me proud that special thing we have between us. OK so some dad's take their boys to the football, some go play baseball, we play with science and making things and trying to answer his questions about WHY and HOW but when I see him looking so proud that he's remembered at school what his Dad said... well, the world just stops. Nothing quite comes close.
We popped into town on the way back and he got all excited when he saw where they are building the new cinema (i just wish it wasn't going to take so long!) ate and then went off to the country fair. It had been advertised on street signs near our road and I didn't quite know what to expect... and got there and was even more dubious. It looked very... strange. Hokey. After paying to get in, it was very quiet, with very few people around. We wandered around the first bit, minature steam engines, a little awkwardly. I think we stood out a little. Everyone else there was obviously a collector or enuthsiast and talking in a completely different language to us, I am sure narrow-gauge means something to someone but it doesnt to me. They were lovely though, as pieces of engineering and the boy and I admired in our own little way, talking between us about which ones we preferred.
Wandering through the model exhibition made us smile... the same sort of intensity from the exhibitors. You could tell these were people that rain or shine, summer or winter, would spend every free moment making and repairing these model boats, planes, cars and then proudly showing them at shows like this every weekend. That kind of passion intrigues me... I don't understand it, it intimidates me a little as only people have inspired that sort of feeling in me, never hobbies or interests (well... ok.. so start me off on a few subjects and I may get a little hyper but I am not so into things the way some people follow Manga, or games or... I like things, I like computers and stuff for instance, but I can take or leave it. It's only people that really set me alight). It was like being in a different world though. These people obviously see each other so often, at so many shows, it was like an extended family. Ignoring the feeling we were intruders here we carried on.
It was a strange... lovely thing. The small steam engines, the old bikes, the old cars, the old commercial vehicles, the few little stalls. So many little groups that obviously knew each other from these things. It was in aid of a donkey sanctuary so there were lots of volunteers from that all around helping out. It was beguilling and you couldn't help but be drawn in. I think they were disappointed by the numbers there but we stayed, sneaking back from one thing to another. The boy smashing plates with a ball, laughing at me as I completely hopelessly missed shooting off packets of cereals with a cork gun. Watching the so beautiful dogs in the little dog show. Enjoying the amateur wild west shoot outs from a wild west enthusiast group. It just should have been... bad. I don't know what made it so great though. I've seen hospital fete's and school events that had more going on that still died but this was just... wonderful. There was just such a wonderful group spirit, such enthusiasm, such warmth we couldn't help but just stay and enjoy it.
The highlight for the boy was the ferret racing. He'd never seen a ferret before and used to be quite nervous around some animals. The ferret club had a dozen or more of the lovely things and as it was quiet they brought out one of the youngest. A fifteen week old female that just three weeks before was un-holdable when they had rescued it. It was nameless and they were still looking for a name (the guy explained as the boy petted it). We couldn't think of anything then but had a brain wave before we left... went back, and he loved the name so much he let the boy hold the ferret all by himself. So now there is a ferret called "Amber" in honour of a friend going through a rough time at the moment. That club will be at the big county show next week so they told the boy to make sure he pushed through to the front and said hi so he could see Amber again. This was one very very very proud and happy boy tonight.
We ended up staying for 4hrs and going away grinning. Maybe next year we wiill stay longer, go back in the evening for the late music. Such a delightful day.
Drove to get the boy. Got to her house and didn't react at my best. I wasn't exactly happy to see her shall we say, so I suddenly felt pissed off and unwilling to go play nice. Polite yes. But definitely cold. I am sorry but... if she is going to be such a complete bitch I am not going to reward her with being nice and friendly back. Did that for too long. Maybe I've tried to be her friend too much. Well, whatever, I don't have to pretend anymore just for peace at home, I just have to make sure the boy is ok. So I got there, knocked and just asked if the boy was ready and when she asked if I was going to come in I said no... as I knew she was in a hurry and just waited. Grrrrrrr I hate it. I always just want to smile and pretend everythings ok, but thats what kept me in that mess. I am sure there is a middle line somewhere.
Well, the boy was happy as anything and we spent the entire journey back home talking about school. He is SO chirpy about school. In his old school when I asked him about what he had done he would just say he couldnt remember. He didn't stop this time. They've been doing about the egyptians and he was so proud he knew an answer in class from things he had remembered when we'd talked before. He just loved it. He told me about the hieroglyphics they had had to try drawing. He told me about the gods and goddesses they had been drawing, Isis, Osiris, Anubis... (it was like listening to an episode of Stargate SG-1 ;-)). Seems they are going on a trip to the british museum soon which he is really excited about. His memory amazes me (but then I don't know many 7 year olds, so don't know whats normal) but he remembered what I'd told him about the Rosetta Stone there and how and why it was important. He even remembered the languages it had written on it. He does amaze me sometimes... but it does make me proud that special thing we have between us. OK so some dad's take their boys to the football, some go play baseball, we play with science and making things and trying to answer his questions about WHY and HOW but when I see him looking so proud that he's remembered at school what his Dad said... well, the world just stops. Nothing quite comes close.
We popped into town on the way back and he got all excited when he saw where they are building the new cinema (i just wish it wasn't going to take so long!) ate and then went off to the country fair. It had been advertised on street signs near our road and I didn't quite know what to expect... and got there and was even more dubious. It looked very... strange. Hokey. After paying to get in, it was very quiet, with very few people around. We wandered around the first bit, minature steam engines, a little awkwardly. I think we stood out a little. Everyone else there was obviously a collector or enuthsiast and talking in a completely different language to us, I am sure narrow-gauge means something to someone but it doesnt to me. They were lovely though, as pieces of engineering and the boy and I admired in our own little way, talking between us about which ones we preferred.
Wandering through the model exhibition made us smile... the same sort of intensity from the exhibitors. You could tell these were people that rain or shine, summer or winter, would spend every free moment making and repairing these model boats, planes, cars and then proudly showing them at shows like this every weekend. That kind of passion intrigues me... I don't understand it, it intimidates me a little as only people have inspired that sort of feeling in me, never hobbies or interests (well... ok.. so start me off on a few subjects and I may get a little hyper but I am not so into things the way some people follow Manga, or games or... I like things, I like computers and stuff for instance, but I can take or leave it. It's only people that really set me alight). It was like being in a different world though. These people obviously see each other so often, at so many shows, it was like an extended family. Ignoring the feeling we were intruders here we carried on.
It was a strange... lovely thing. The small steam engines, the old bikes, the old cars, the old commercial vehicles, the few little stalls. So many little groups that obviously knew each other from these things. It was in aid of a donkey sanctuary so there were lots of volunteers from that all around helping out. It was beguilling and you couldn't help but be drawn in. I think they were disappointed by the numbers there but we stayed, sneaking back from one thing to another. The boy smashing plates with a ball, laughing at me as I completely hopelessly missed shooting off packets of cereals with a cork gun. Watching the so beautiful dogs in the little dog show. Enjoying the amateur wild west shoot outs from a wild west enthusiast group. It just should have been... bad. I don't know what made it so great though. I've seen hospital fete's and school events that had more going on that still died but this was just... wonderful. There was just such a wonderful group spirit, such enthusiasm, such warmth we couldn't help but just stay and enjoy it.
The highlight for the boy was the ferret racing. He'd never seen a ferret before and used to be quite nervous around some animals. The ferret club had a dozen or more of the lovely things and as it was quiet they brought out one of the youngest. A fifteen week old female that just three weeks before was un-holdable when they had rescued it. It was nameless and they were still looking for a name (the guy explained as the boy petted it). We couldn't think of anything then but had a brain wave before we left... went back, and he loved the name so much he let the boy hold the ferret all by himself. So now there is a ferret called "Amber" in honour of a friend going through a rough time at the moment. That club will be at the big county show next week so they told the boy to make sure he pushed through to the front and said hi so he could see Amber again. This was one very very very proud and happy boy tonight.
We ended up staying for 4hrs and going away grinning. Maybe next year we wiill stay longer, go back in the evening for the late music. Such a delightful day.
Naked
I love being naked. There is something about being naked that is so pure and simple and unencombered. It's like finally there are no masks, its just me. There is nothing to hide behind its just me. Strangely though, it doesnt feel vulnerable, it doesnt feel scary, it just feels natural. I am normally pretty self-conscious, in fact I used to be so self-conscious about my appearance I wouldnt have mirrors in my old house. I always felt awkward and gawky at how skinny I was and the comments it brings.
Now, I just look at mirrors if I have to, don't exactly like what I see but its just what always looks back at me. As for skinny? Yes I am, but its me. The big revelation though is no longer does seeing myself naked invoke revulsion... its just nice. No its more than nice. Its comfortable. Its natural. Its preferable. I like sleeping naked. I like walking around naked. There is a luxurious decadence in sleeping naked and feeling the sheets against your skin from head to toe. There is a delicious freedom in walking around the house with the cool air against your skin. I think the thing I like most though is how it makes me feel. Calm. Focussed. Peaceful. Its very hard to wear any masks from others or yourself when all thats there is you. The worst you'll see is a shy smile turning into a soft grin that yup... thats me.
Now, I just look at mirrors if I have to, don't exactly like what I see but its just what always looks back at me. As for skinny? Yes I am, but its me. The big revelation though is no longer does seeing myself naked invoke revulsion... its just nice. No its more than nice. Its comfortable. Its natural. Its preferable. I like sleeping naked. I like walking around naked. There is a luxurious decadence in sleeping naked and feeling the sheets against your skin from head to toe. There is a delicious freedom in walking around the house with the cool air against your skin. I think the thing I like most though is how it makes me feel. Calm. Focussed. Peaceful. Its very hard to wear any masks from others or yourself when all thats there is you. The worst you'll see is a shy smile turning into a soft grin that yup... thats me.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
First visit
So. I went to see the counsellor. Nice lady. I went in fairly confidently, feeling in control. It was weird, as this isn't like me much and it made me realise a little more how much I've changed the last year.
I've always been fairly confident at work. I just dont think about it. I roughly know what I am doing and just get on. People tell me I am very good at what I do, and I find that a little hard to believe but... I guess I know at least I can get on and do what I am supposed to. Its always been away from work I struggle. Recently though, those little things people take for granted I've got better at. Ordering things, asking things in shops, making enquries. I guess I always hid behind my ex as she was happy to take the lead. Now though I have to. On holiday in Scotland, I had to as my friend preferred not to. I guess I've found that even though I can feel uncomfortable, feel awkward and geekish. Well, I'm actually the one in control as I'm the one that wants these things. I can choose to do it or not. I can choose to take my business elsewhere. I'm not doing you a favour. I realised that as I was waiting. Why was I nervous? I'd decided to do this and it'd work or it wouldn't. I could just go somewhere else if it didn't. I didn't have to make her like me. This was for me. It's a change I hadn't realised and it was a good start. Now my weakness is socially. Feeling socially inadequate, freezing in groups, failing in small talk. Feeling different and awkward. Its something to work on, but its not as totally bad as I used to be. So progress.
I don't know whether it gave me a lot today at the session. I made myself be open and honest. Its hard to say what you want and how you think you can get it. I could say what I wanted... but as to how it could be achieved? Hmmmmmm. At least I know her approach to counselling though. I am not sure its for me, paraphrasing and repeating back whats been said so I can see what i've really been saying, highlighting things. But... I have no experience so... when asked if this will be helpful, the answer is I dont know. I will try though. I wont know unless I give it an honest try, and if not... try something else. I dont know enough about counselling to know how to answer "what would help you". Maybe the most important thing today was to go.. to actually do it for me. I think it was also important to say i'd go back. It would have been too easy to just decide this wasnt for me and back off.
I know there are no answers.. and change has to come from me. I know everything comes from me. I guess I did get a few useful things. This was the first time I had told someone face to face how the marriage ended and some of the things that went on. The pillow over my face, threatened with scissors, the verbal abuse. Its the first time I've seen someones face when I've said this, and it not be in writing... and it was a shock. I guess I know how wrong it all was but, you get used to it and blase and like yeah... that was just normal. Seeing someones face though was shocking and made me think just how abnormal it was. I think it was also very true when she said I was very self-aware... I don't need to analyse this anymore, I have so many pieces of the jigsaw in my head I just dont know how to fit the pieces together. She suggested writing letters to people that I would never send... to get some of those feelings out. Well. I guess I had already started doing that here. This time its been with the emotion raw and left in.
So I really dont know. I will go back next week and I think that will tell me more if this will help or if I need to look for another approach. I need to relearn some of my reactions and behaviours so I STOP reacting in the same old ways to new situations. I did admit that I hate being like this... that the reason I pretend to be ok alone is because in reality I dont want to be, and I just get frustrated as I dont know how to be with people. I know change is painful and today was taking a risk but... you dont get anywhere without taking risks.
I've always been fairly confident at work. I just dont think about it. I roughly know what I am doing and just get on. People tell me I am very good at what I do, and I find that a little hard to believe but... I guess I know at least I can get on and do what I am supposed to. Its always been away from work I struggle. Recently though, those little things people take for granted I've got better at. Ordering things, asking things in shops, making enquries. I guess I always hid behind my ex as she was happy to take the lead. Now though I have to. On holiday in Scotland, I had to as my friend preferred not to. I guess I've found that even though I can feel uncomfortable, feel awkward and geekish. Well, I'm actually the one in control as I'm the one that wants these things. I can choose to do it or not. I can choose to take my business elsewhere. I'm not doing you a favour. I realised that as I was waiting. Why was I nervous? I'd decided to do this and it'd work or it wouldn't. I could just go somewhere else if it didn't. I didn't have to make her like me. This was for me. It's a change I hadn't realised and it was a good start. Now my weakness is socially. Feeling socially inadequate, freezing in groups, failing in small talk. Feeling different and awkward. Its something to work on, but its not as totally bad as I used to be. So progress.
I don't know whether it gave me a lot today at the session. I made myself be open and honest. Its hard to say what you want and how you think you can get it. I could say what I wanted... but as to how it could be achieved? Hmmmmmm. At least I know her approach to counselling though. I am not sure its for me, paraphrasing and repeating back whats been said so I can see what i've really been saying, highlighting things. But... I have no experience so... when asked if this will be helpful, the answer is I dont know. I will try though. I wont know unless I give it an honest try, and if not... try something else. I dont know enough about counselling to know how to answer "what would help you". Maybe the most important thing today was to go.. to actually do it for me. I think it was also important to say i'd go back. It would have been too easy to just decide this wasnt for me and back off.
I know there are no answers.. and change has to come from me. I know everything comes from me. I guess I did get a few useful things. This was the first time I had told someone face to face how the marriage ended and some of the things that went on. The pillow over my face, threatened with scissors, the verbal abuse. Its the first time I've seen someones face when I've said this, and it not be in writing... and it was a shock. I guess I know how wrong it all was but, you get used to it and blase and like yeah... that was just normal. Seeing someones face though was shocking and made me think just how abnormal it was. I think it was also very true when she said I was very self-aware... I don't need to analyse this anymore, I have so many pieces of the jigsaw in my head I just dont know how to fit the pieces together. She suggested writing letters to people that I would never send... to get some of those feelings out. Well. I guess I had already started doing that here. This time its been with the emotion raw and left in.
So I really dont know. I will go back next week and I think that will tell me more if this will help or if I need to look for another approach. I need to relearn some of my reactions and behaviours so I STOP reacting in the same old ways to new situations. I did admit that I hate being like this... that the reason I pretend to be ok alone is because in reality I dont want to be, and I just get frustrated as I dont know how to be with people. I know change is painful and today was taking a risk but... you dont get anywhere without taking risks.
To my ex
I really don't like you sometimes. Today is one of those days. I just cannot fucking stand it when you play these stupid games just because you have got yourself in a tizz about something. Calling me at work, hassling me, wanting me to rubberstamp your stupid irrational decisions, then flinging in my face comments that you are only doing this for the boy because you care - as if i don't care or something! You dont want my opinion. You dont want to consult me, you want someone to tell you you were right, just like I used to. Well I am sorry, i dont do that anymore. You cant hit me now. You cant use those words to hurt me. Thats behind us. The only hold you have is by using the boy against me like today and that just makes me angry now. It reminds me what you can be like and why I am glad we are apart.
Its unforgivable. Its inexcusable. I dont know what went wrong to get you worked up like this. Did someone comment? Did you feel awkward because things did not go perfect? Did you feel angry because you were told one thing then another? I don't know... i just know it wasnt HIM that was upset. You didnt even listen to him.
So how do I feel when you backed down? After the grief you gave me at work? Relieved that you didnt do this stupid thing, yes. Justified in what I did and said as I was proved right. Oh god yes. Fed up with you and very much reminded why the hell I am glad you are out of my life. You betcha toots. Well, til next time I guess. But you can bet your ass I am going to be reminding you your side of the deal when things have settled... Oh yes, I remember what you promised and it WILL come up again after this episode.
Thank god for those miles between us.
Its unforgivable. Its inexcusable. I dont know what went wrong to get you worked up like this. Did someone comment? Did you feel awkward because things did not go perfect? Did you feel angry because you were told one thing then another? I don't know... i just know it wasnt HIM that was upset. You didnt even listen to him.
So how do I feel when you backed down? After the grief you gave me at work? Relieved that you didnt do this stupid thing, yes. Justified in what I did and said as I was proved right. Oh god yes. Fed up with you and very much reminded why the hell I am glad you are out of my life. You betcha toots. Well, til next time I guess. But you can bet your ass I am going to be reminding you your side of the deal when things have settled... Oh yes, I remember what you promised and it WILL come up again after this episode.
Thank god for those miles between us.
to you.
Sometimes I don't realise how lucky I am til after.
I'm blessed with great friends who love me for reasons I don't understand. Can't understand. The weirdest thing is, the more I freak at times and panic the more they seem to love me anyway. OK, so a lot of them I may not have held in my arms but... friends they are neverless. I am grafeul
So today I was stressing, work, tonight, other stuff. A rushed day, two changes to make at work on production systems, chasing down the approvals through the change process, knowing I had to leave early, trying to fit it all in. I know I was quiet over coffee this morning (someone commented on it), uptight. I reacted badly and defensively to things and people, knowing I was doing it yet not really knowing how to stop. I know M saw it, it always worries her... but then we jabber enough that she can spot the difference in me, even if I don't say. Its hard to speak out when you feel uptight though, close off. I end up comparing myself against others and looking for the bits I fail.
Then there is you. *takes a deep breath* there is you. The one I didn't run from, the one I can't run from. I am yours. I knew that, of course, even if it's still sinking in exactly what it means Ma`am. I guess today I just saw a different side of what that means. You were working, and I knew you were busy, but... I had to tell you what was on my mind, the thing worrying me even though it was private and slightly embarrasing, the thing confusing me, the silly fears of the situation I found myself in. Things which I might normally get worried telling someone, or be too uptight to - worried what they would think of me.
It's not I wanted you to tell me what to do, it's not I wanted your attention or sympathy. It's not I wanted a comment back at all. It's just something I have to do... I know you want all of me, what I see as good and as bad. Its like there is no off switch around you, no censorship. I want you to know all I am feeling, whether its happy puppy skippy or tired and weary or plain scared as you want it all. You need say nothing. Do no more than smile and take what I am. You know I will sort it out for myself. You expect me to. So I placed those things there at your feet. You were so sweet, about that thing I'd said before... Oh my heart just stopped for a moment when you mentioned it, that you'd thought about that and had been concerned enough that it had been bothering me to mention it. It hadn't *smile* I know where we stand and how things are and its just... perfect. I've not questioned it once since you made me yours Ma`am, strange as that is for me.
It's... an amazing feeling. It feels so vulnerable and yet so safe. Stripped naked and exposed, every little bit of me, those I am proud of and those I'm not. The things I barely even let myself think. The things I couldn't even face thinking around others when I was so uptight.
I adore you Ma`am.
kitty xxx
I'm blessed with great friends who love me for reasons I don't understand. Can't understand. The weirdest thing is, the more I freak at times and panic the more they seem to love me anyway. OK, so a lot of them I may not have held in my arms but... friends they are neverless. I am grafeul
So today I was stressing, work, tonight, other stuff. A rushed day, two changes to make at work on production systems, chasing down the approvals through the change process, knowing I had to leave early, trying to fit it all in. I know I was quiet over coffee this morning (someone commented on it), uptight. I reacted badly and defensively to things and people, knowing I was doing it yet not really knowing how to stop. I know M saw it, it always worries her... but then we jabber enough that she can spot the difference in me, even if I don't say. Its hard to speak out when you feel uptight though, close off. I end up comparing myself against others and looking for the bits I fail.
Then there is you. *takes a deep breath* there is you. The one I didn't run from, the one I can't run from. I am yours. I knew that, of course, even if it's still sinking in exactly what it means Ma`am. I guess today I just saw a different side of what that means. You were working, and I knew you were busy, but... I had to tell you what was on my mind, the thing worrying me even though it was private and slightly embarrasing, the thing confusing me, the silly fears of the situation I found myself in. Things which I might normally get worried telling someone, or be too uptight to - worried what they would think of me.
It's not I wanted you to tell me what to do, it's not I wanted your attention or sympathy. It's not I wanted a comment back at all. It's just something I have to do... I know you want all of me, what I see as good and as bad. Its like there is no off switch around you, no censorship. I want you to know all I am feeling, whether its happy puppy skippy or tired and weary or plain scared as you want it all. You need say nothing. Do no more than smile and take what I am. You know I will sort it out for myself. You expect me to. So I placed those things there at your feet. You were so sweet, about that thing I'd said before... Oh my heart just stopped for a moment when you mentioned it, that you'd thought about that and had been concerned enough that it had been bothering me to mention it. It hadn't *smile* I know where we stand and how things are and its just... perfect. I've not questioned it once since you made me yours Ma`am, strange as that is for me.
It's... an amazing feeling. It feels so vulnerable and yet so safe. Stripped naked and exposed, every little bit of me, those I am proud of and those I'm not. The things I barely even let myself think. The things I couldn't even face thinking around others when I was so uptight.
I adore you Ma`am.
kitty xxx
Today
So this afternoon I have my first meeting with the counsellor. I think I've been avoiding thinking about this all week, doing make-busy so I don't sit down and overthink what I want to say, don't set myself in a panic, didn't put any masks on. I think thats one of the reasons I've avoided writing much this week. I just don't want to look at it too hard.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Rocky Horror Snobbery
OK so I admit it. I may be a Rocky Horror snob. I really enjoyed it tonight, the music as always is great, its just so funny but.. last time I saw it was in a small club, all standing, everyone joined in shouting at the cast and it was hysterical. We all danced along to all the scenes even me doing my totally uncoordinated slightly uncomfortable looking jiggle. The timewarp of course was chaos...
Tonight though... was in a theatre. Seated. It didn't have quite the same energy and buzz everyone sitting... The cast were damn good though, even if Rocky was a little on the weedy side. During the time warp only 5 girls at the front row stood up and danced. Thank heavens for the two or three that were throwing some of the more key audience partic-i-pation comments back... they made it so funny by the end. The audience (small as it was... barely a quarter full) gave such a raptuous response to the cast taking their bow that they kept coming back til finally, finally they did the time warp encore. This time I am glad to say everyone was on there feet and I loved every minute of it. Now thats how its done :). Even the guys dressed in suits. Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. An image of Reading that will now haunt me ;-)
It was great... I love it. Where else do you get a musical that has simulated blow jobs and pictures of anal sex? Oh and great freaking music.
It was hard going on my own... this was the sort of thing I would have gone to with my ex, and that left me feeling kind of down after the interval, but I am really glad I went and have a quiet smile back on my face now.
Oh and for the record, scary as it is... Frank-n-furter was DEFINITELY the sexiest out of the cast.
Tonight though... was in a theatre. Seated. It didn't have quite the same energy and buzz everyone sitting... The cast were damn good though, even if Rocky was a little on the weedy side. During the time warp only 5 girls at the front row stood up and danced. Thank heavens for the two or three that were throwing some of the more key audience partic-i-pation comments back... they made it so funny by the end. The audience (small as it was... barely a quarter full) gave such a raptuous response to the cast taking their bow that they kept coming back til finally, finally they did the time warp encore. This time I am glad to say everyone was on there feet and I loved every minute of it. Now thats how its done :). Even the guys dressed in suits. Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. An image of Reading that will now haunt me ;-)
It was great... I love it. Where else do you get a musical that has simulated blow jobs and pictures of anal sex? Oh and great freaking music.
It was hard going on my own... this was the sort of thing I would have gone to with my ex, and that left me feeling kind of down after the interval, but I am really glad I went and have a quiet smile back on my face now.
Oh and for the record, scary as it is... Frank-n-furter was DEFINITELY the sexiest out of the cast.
Where does the time go?
Ever noticed sometimes you just don't ever seem to get anything finished? I've got drafts I've written but not finished and now don't know if they will be. Maybe I will just draw a line on them as time seems to have run away with me this week.
I know half of that is this sucky lack of energy from the almost-a-cold. Half is from the weekend being out of bounds for writing while I am enjoying the boy. Another half is the spare time after work just disappearing with the delight of new friends and old. Very very happy purrrrry snarkly about this one. Very. Very very.
Tonights overnight work is cancelled which I am relieved about, though it just means it will carry over to next week... But I'd already booked to go to the theatre to fill that gap in the evening before work again, so out I will go soon and thats tonight gone. So Maybe tomorrow... Yes, tomorrow. Oh and I know I can't count, but thats why I'm in IT... I let the computers do it for me...
I know half of that is this sucky lack of energy from the almost-a-cold. Half is from the weekend being out of bounds for writing while I am enjoying the boy. Another half is the spare time after work just disappearing with the delight of new friends and old. Very very happy purrrrry snarkly about this one. Very. Very very.
Tonights overnight work is cancelled which I am relieved about, though it just means it will carry over to next week... But I'd already booked to go to the theatre to fill that gap in the evening before work again, so out I will go soon and thats tonight gone. So Maybe tomorrow... Yes, tomorrow. Oh and I know I can't count, but thats why I'm in IT... I let the computers do it for me...
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