Hurt

I hurt inside today. I really hurt. So another train journey into work, another blog to clear my mind. Yes, I must sound like a real whiner as the only time I write at the moment is when something goes wrong. It helps me though so I am not going to apologise for it too much. It lets my thoughts come out and in a way vents some of the pent up frustration, anger, sadness that is otherwise directed inwards.

I had an email last night from a friend. The content, asking how I was. Innocuous. The subject line though felt like an attack. I was instantly defensive. So... I replied asking about it. The reply was clear, passionate, devestating and I have trouble arguing with it. It comes down to the sort of friend I am, and its something I don't score highly at. A statement from a friend that they had tried everything to keep being my friend but that I gave nothing back. That I had vanished. Gone quiet. Wasn't trying. That they had pushed and pushed and pushed to keep it alive but couldn't anymore. They had even stopped crying over it now.

I can't quite describe how I feel at the moment. Useless is a good word. I keep looking back at the past, how I have no long term friends from childhood, school, work. I can't use the excuse of my bad marriage, I am just pretty hopeless at making and keeping friends. I have been told before I seem to have a habit of seeking out new people all the time and pushing others away. I have been told I latch onto people, get deeply involved, that I always seem to want new and don't care about the old. Maybe it's true, maybe I am just an attention whore. I don't know. I look at my relationships, past and present and I hate how I am. I feel so shallow. So selfish. Do I just keep wanting more and more attention? To talk about me and my problems? I think about conversations I have and they seem so trivial. Flirting, horniness, then talking about emotions and feelings and how people are. So so very shallow. Do I never build real foundations? Am I never really a friend? Do I leave a string of hurt people behind me that really genuinely liked me (I don't doubt their sincerity) but get left behind when I freak, close off, or hunt for something new? How can I keep doing this to people I say I care for? What sort of person does that make me? Is that why I am a people pleaser and not a submissive at all?

Please don't try and tell me what a good friend I am, at the moment it just makes it worse as I come up with the "if only you knew what I was really like" voice inside my head.

I know, my posts normally come with some happy turn up at the end where I reveal going through it has made me more determined, but right now, I doubt my ability to give anything of value, so sorry. Out of luck.

First SWAMP

One thing about being angry is there is an excess of energy. That sloshes around and looks for somewhere to go out, and since I won't let it be aimed at others I need to find other outlets. Lots of hard hot frantic sex would be kind of nice at the moment, but since I am on the train I don't think thats going to happen. Well. None of the people around me look like likely candidates so time to find another plan. Writing is the other last great outlet. Not quite as sweaty and frantic as the sex, but still quite as exhausting in the end.

Because of the mood I am in, and the edge of darkness there, that pit of self-loathing, of ridicule of myself, of hopelessness, of feeling like I just pester people... it's easy to identify with other dark times. Times which are hard to write about if you aren't in the moment. Afterwards you heal, move on, can't remember how you could possibly have felt like that. So this is as good a time as any to write of it. I know in the process of doing so this feeling will burn through me, like a fire cleansing and wiping clean the current keen pain. We are funny old things.

A few weekends ago a good friend of mine (kblsb on Alt) and I went off to Bristol to attend SWAMP. The South West Alternative Market Place. It's a small fetish fair and after party held at a club. We thought it would be good to meet up as it was conveniently in the middle of both of us, was a small venue and a good place to start as a "first" for both of us. It was her first time at any sort of fetish/kink gathering. My first time to one in the UK and without the accompanient of experienced kinksters. It was pretty nerve wracking and I think she was really brave in agreeing to go with me. We both agreed at the very least we could have a nice dinner and some company if we hated the place.

Our stress levels were raised by the fact it was a half marathon in Bristol so half the roads we wanted to get to were closed. With much aide from my sat-nav (Jane, I love you, I will never cheat on you) we eventually found a place. Someone was smiling on us... We stopped to get our bearings just after the club and someone pulled out and left us a parking space. Fortune smiles on the righteous, or at least on those with very cute tails. So with this stress built up we went for a walk and a coffee and a chat and eventually made our way back and sneaked through the doorway of the club. I have to say they were pretty friendly at the entrance, saying welcome and hope we enjoyed ourselves. Once inside it was a little harder. There was a a fair percentage dressed up and that didn't bother me a bit, having seen it at Thunder it actually felt nice to be around the denizens again. I think I've always felt more at home around alternative dressers since my love of goth back at University. No matter how *I* may be dressed, I still feel more part of it seeing others be so free... Why was it harder? I guess being around a group of people that seem to know what they are doing, when you don't. I know Kay felt a little out of place to begin with. She was wearing flipflops as they are the most comfortable things to wear for her if she is standing for anytime and she felt she was sneered at by one or two. After the initial "ok we got here, what now" we started browsing round the small collection of vendors, and that got us giggling a lot more. Yes, we are both shopping sluts. Well I am, and I am claiming she is too as its a good excuse. I of course went for the pretty things whereas she liked the looks of the things you hit people with. I swear there is something about me that makes people think my skin colour is wrong and should be much redder...

I saw someone from the Oxford munch so I said "hi". They didn't recognise me, I didn't think they did, but I didn't want to let the opportunity pass. So just a quick "hi", and a quick hi to someone else that it was their first time (must remember to look them up on Alt). We had decided by then we were going to stay to the after party and that I wanted to dress pretty so we went back to the car to get our stuff, came back, paid the extra and then snuck to the loo's to change. It felt good, it felt really good. I had my red/black tartan pleated tartan mini, a black fitted top, fishnets (pvc tops!) and heeled booties. Despite the fact the heels kill me eventually its a very comfortable look and brings out a brattier, sassier, cheekier side of me. Flirty and flouncy. So we went shopping, bought a few nice things and flirted and flounced. I saw another 3 people from the Oxford munch (who didn't remember me either, lol) but said "hi" anyway as maybe next time they will! (I only went twice to the mid-week and I was very quiet, so I am not surprised). One of them, Angie, was completely lovely and fun to be around and I know made Kay feel very relaxed. I was being cheeky, Kay was doing "look what I have to put up with". Angie wanted to know what happened at the top of the stockings so I flashed the PVC bands and got a lovely swat with her crop on both cheeks *purrr*. Yes. I am a tart. I hope kblsb didn't feel put out that I "kinda" knew a couple of people there, it was very hard just to go upto them knowing they wouldn't remember me. I wanted her to meet people though, I don't find it easy in groups and I knew as soon as she settled she would start becoming bouncier and more confident. We also met the house Mistress, Anita, a completely lovely Lady, in one of the jaunts outside for Kay to smoke.

It was on one of those jaunts and chats that Kay mentioned she really liked the look of the violet wands and something she wanted to see more of in the future. It had been really busy by that stall so we hadn't pushed in. Anita grabbed a guy outside too, who happened to be one of the owners of that stall and said we wanted a demo, so we meekly followed in. He started off by showing us it lightly, first on her, then on me, turning up the levels a little. I am jumpy. I am squirmy. I am basically a showoff somewhere inside and wriggle like hell at the least provocation. So I wriggled, squirmed, jumped and got called a wuss. This was cue then to stop trying it on her and demonstrate all the attachments on me. Lots of attachments. We must have been there 20mins. Ozone attachments. Ear attachments. Comb attachments. One up my nose which made my eyes water for about 5 mins (but cleared my sinuses!). The lovely effect of it on my shoulder and then him holding Kay's hand, and her running a pinwheel up and down my arm so I got the pricks through that. *purrrr* that was lovely, as it was on the back of my neck. I am not QUITE so enamoured at the shock I got on my cock head through my skirt *humph* but then again, I didn't exactly complain, just jumped a mile and a half. It was also pretty eeky on my nipples. Probably not helped that he had to feel around on my top both sides to find them, so they may have been a bit happy in the first place. Being groped by a vendor in a strange dungeon so he can electrocute your nipples. What's not to love ;-).

That was fun, and we giggled a lot over that and I think they are amazing toys. Something I never thought I would let get near me but I thought was great. Totally different than I expected.

I don't know now if I was cocky, stupid, a little high, a combination of above or if I was just quite justified but... after the first time we had gone for a cigarette in "normal" clothes, we had gone outside as we were. Kay in smart black, me in my... fishnets and miniskirt. The club is on a quiet backstreet of Bristol, not many people wandering past. My memory of this is pretty vague now as it's kind of twisted against me, but I am sure I remember thinking at the time that there were several people (especially women) in rather exotic outfits so i didn't feel particularly out of place. I also felt very much that it was me and I was around like-minded people so after the first "what am I doing" I didn't think twice about standing outside with others. I even had a nice discussion regarding boots and high soled trainers with a lady... There was a bit of a heart stopping moment when a police car drove past, got to the end of the road and drove back again really slowly looking at us all. At first it was an "oh god" moment, before someone mentioned that Bristol street's are dry so they were checking that we were just drinking tea and soft drinks outside.

That was all very well and good and to be honest I had stopped thinking about it much. If couples or people walked past the other side of the street, they gave us a look, a second glance and that was it. Maybe a whispered comment between themselves, but nothing more. It was a fair way into the afternoon when a bunch of teenagers went past and a very obnoxious boy basically wet himself laughing pointing and screeching at me. The girls joined in, cat-calling and shouting things. I don’t really remember much of what was said to be honest. I just went cold, hard, scared. Someone 10 foot in front of you shouting and over-exaggeratedly laughing. The people with me were wonderful. They shouted out to Kay about her being a “real woman”, one of the other ladies retorted that I was more of a real man than they would ever be… that was really sweet. Others came out of the club, including the House Mistress Anita and she gave them a good dose of their own medicine, following after them, asking to see what they had then. When the boy went to go into a door way to unbuckle his jeans she jeered back saying no, she wanted to see it in plain sight just as we were… The kids went off heckling, as kids do. I was shaken, I just remember crossing my arms tight across my chest. They asked if I wanted to go in, but no, I wanted to stay out while we talked and finished our drinks. I didn’t want to be driven away. I didn’t want to give in to them. I was quiet though, listened to the others, I really did appreciate the solidarity and it made me feel part of something special. About five minutes later, two car’s screeched past. The kids again. They threw coffee at us out of their open windows. The poor guy in front of me was drenched. I was at the back so just got it down my leg, several others also hit. That shook me. I have been kind of used to kids heckling me through life. I am skinny, geeky, suffer with acne. So at school, walking home from work… you get it a lot. I can’t say I can smile and ignore it but you go cold and hard inside and let it slide over you. The wanton maliciousness of that though, it threw me badly. I didn’t really know how to deal with it. When we went back inside I just sat with Kay and held her. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be me. I just let her hold me. I have to thank her for being there, for not trying to cheer me up but letting me have space just to hurt. It was totally the right thing to do. After that I just couldn’t feel comfortable again, it wasn’t the place or what was going on, it was just being around people and around a group. It was that horrible feeling then of being in a place where everyone knows what to say, what to do, how to be with each other and you just feel disjointed and different. So I ended up following Kay around like a lost puppy so I wasn’t on my own. We stayed for the party, stayed quite late in fact. We just watched, chatted a little, enjoyed the atmosphere and that the things happening didn’t seem strange or alien to us, before finally saying goodbye and leaving. I know Kay made a big hit with them and got invited to munches and even a birthday party! I kind of felt like a hanger-on in the end. It reminded me of when I used to hide behind my ex-wife all the time. It wasn’t her fault, or anything she did, but I just couldn’t get past how I felt.

In hindsight going outside was pretty dumb. I know others were dressed exotically and even provocatively, but that’s not the same as I was… Maybe it was unfair on people walking passed on a Sunday minding their own business to have MY kink thrown in their faces. I don’t think I was doing any harm though… How many stag-do’s have cross-dressed drunks staggering across the street? How much more in your face is that? A private party with fancy dress attire… I hope I wasn’t pushing how I was in the face of those that didn’t consent to seeing it. When a family walked passed I deliberately stepped in the doorway so they wouldn’t face awkward questions from their kid. I didn’t intend it as a radical protest… I was just happy and happy being with the people I was with, and comfortable in my own skin. It may have been asking for trouble though, no matter how quiet the back street... or how others with me were dressed.

There is a feeling lingering behind though. I feel almost split-brained at times. I keep imagining myself as they saw me. Skinny, gawky, dressed in a skirt and stockings. I see myself as they would have seen me and I hate what I see. It looks stupid, it turns my stomach. It makes me go cold and spiteful against myself and hate that part of me. At other times, I remember how I felt and how it was just to be free and I know its part of me. Having both in my head at the same time is to say the least confusing.

Yesterday (as it was yesterday now, this has taken so long to write) at work I was in a meeting and a very simple comment about us adhering to our standards and not their preferences produced unneeded venom from the other team. It sparked it all off again, and I reacted angrily but kept it from getting out. I guess there are still things I need to deal with in how I react to things, especially it coming back to how my ex treated me and how I respond to conflict and how it affects how I see myself.

p.s. i am ok now :) That just took a long long time to write.

Venom

I hate losing my temper at work. Well. Not losing it. I have never lost at work. I internalise it to stop it from exploding out on people. But I hate that. I hate how it leaves me feeling. I hate how it backlashes inside as I push it in so I start tearing myself to shreds rather than lashing out. I hate that people at work can push me into such a corner with a bad meeting.

I am doing that at the moment. Well trying not to do it in fact. Fighting with it. Trying not to hurt myself and finding it hard. The barbs against myself come so easily. The wounds inside open up so easily, old scars asking to be picked, so many words come easily into my mind to dig in with a vitriol and venom I would never use on someone else.

I am not going to do it. I won't... I won't.. I won't do it to them, so why should I do it to me?

Annoyed of Didcot

One thing that does bug me is bad customer service. Maybe its because I am so service-driven myself that it niggles me to see it done so badly. Maybe because we are so rushed nowadays that anything which doesn't happen as its supposed to eats up a big chunk of available time. Maybe because its just plain rude.

Sky were booked to come on Monday to install Sky+. This is a TiVo like satellite service that lets you pause/rewind/record two programmes at once to an internal HD on the satellite receiver. We've had Sky for ages as we don't have a terrestrial ariel, but Sky have just dropped their monthly fee for Sky+ so its just the cost of the upgrade now. I thought what the hell... I know when I first get home from work I tend to veg and watch a little TV to relax, not much... maybe an hour. Because of the time of day it is always endless repeats of Stargate, so if I am going to do that I might as well actually watch something interesting. I tend to miss all the good documentaries, new SF series, etc, as I go to bed pretty early. Ish. Or I forget. Or I have the boy. Of course I will probably still end up watching endless repeats of Stargate, but its a good theory. The boy and I do like a lot of the "how things work" and mechanical series you get on the discovery channels, so it would be nice to sit and cuddle up and see some of those with him if they were recorded.

The installers are supposed to ring by 9am, so I was working from home. They would then confirm a time. Nothing heard. So I rang the call centre. Once I stopped puddling (it's a Scottish call centre *purrrr*) they said they would call the branch and let me know. Nothing. So I called back and they left me on the phone (puddling) while they called then and there. The installer was off sick, they hadn't got round to calling customers to let them know yet. I was pretty mad. If they had called first thing I could have gone into work. It would have just been a simple courtesy... So now I've told them to be there at 9am Friday as I am out after that. The scottish lass at the call centre was nice, said she was working Thurs night and would ring and confirm. That was nice of her, I know she hasn't any power over what they do. Do I think they will be there? Hmmmm not really, but then at least I get to call the call centre again *grin*.

Writers block...

Have you ever really wanted to write but just not been able to? Like, when you sit down at a blank screen (or paper) or even start to think about doing so, your mind just shrinks back from the thought and all those things you want to say seem impossible to start? I don't mean that there is nothing to say, I mean that there is so much going on that you don't know where to begin, that you can't get a handle on things or get things coherent enough to start letting it dribble out so it all backs up inside. Then there is more and more and it gets harder to find the place to begin.

I think that's kind of where I've been the last few weeks. A dozen things happened, where do I start, which do I start with, how do I write about them coherently, passionately, informatively without making it seem like dry lists of I did this...

Writing my blog is incredibly therapeutic for me at times. At times its just bloody frustrating!!

Holidays

Yes, I know I am always on holiday... but this time its a week away in the lake district with my boy. My scottish friend and her beagle were supposed to meet us there (hence the location) but the dog's not been well and she's been asked to start her next student nurse placement early and its where she eventually wants a job so couldn't really say no.

So, it's going to be a lovely quiet week just me and my boy and will probably do us the world of good.

Be back soon!

It's that time f year...

The trains are full to standing in the morning of strange people with brand new rucksacks and tents slung over their backs, with even more cans of cheap lager hanging from their belts. You can't walk around in Reading without being surrounded by swarms of people going in the opposite direction. Herds of them. Swarming back and forth en-mass. There are posh accents everywhere... and its not safe to look at girls as if you think they are cute you can almost guarantee they are far far far younger than they look. It must be time for the Reading Festival again! All I can say is I am glad I won't be here when they try and go back all muddy...

Thunder (day one)

Our other friends were coming into Denver on the Friday. One by choice as she was driving, the other because she was at the mercy of American Airlines and her flights got screwed up. We picked up Ms Silvie from the airport and she was understandably tired from being stuck overnight in the middle of the country, so we went back to the house for her to shower and rest before we went to register for Thunder. starflower called from the hotel and we said we'd meet her later. I know this put her on a backfoot as she was waiting for us and we could not be definite about anything, but we were just playing it by ear by then as things hadnt turned out as plan. In a way it made it easier for me as I had started to get used to Ms Silvie being around one change in the group at a time. She is a lovely lady, as generous as her friend. I didn't know her as well so was a little nervous to begin with but I feel really lucky to know her now and glad to count her as my friend and not just as Jolie's friend. She bought me a pressie! (heh i am easy see, cheap too), a bunch of fridge magnets depicting a cartoon puppy humping various things. Humpy puppy suited me for some reason :P. It made me laugh so hard. It was very precious and is up on my fridge at home now.

Then, at the hotel... I registered for the convention. That was an awesome moment. I mean there, little me, in the USA and registering for my first kink convention. Heh i mean i have a badge and everything! People wandering round with tags on them saying Sir this and slave that, just so cool. Some interesting approaches to "normal dress code" in the public areas too heh... but so warm and welcoming and it just felt right to be there. A friend had left her room number on my registration pack too and that felt really nice, I mean I had just got there and another friend was trying to get in touch with me!

We met with starflower on the staircase and that was another ingrained in my head awesome moment. She was just as I had imagined her and we just kept smiling at each other and holding hands and giggling. It was nuts, but so great. She is a good friend of mine despite ups and downs we have had and I love her dearly. Getting to meet her and give her a hug finished off the trip to Thunder and made it so worthwhile. Only starflower and I were staying at the hotel so we went off to checkin, bounced on the beds (well she did) and hugged lots and established the natural order of our submissiveness. She is a slave so naturally she put me in an arm lock to point out that puppys will puddle even to slaves, heh. I know I freaked her as just as we were getting into the lift I saw my other old friend and lept out with a strangled comment.

I've known pandora for a few years and she was kind enough to have put her room number like that... but I just saw her, stared sure it was her and caught sight of the name badge just as the doors were shutting. That was kind of a hard meeting. I could see in her eyes it was painful for her. She has had a thing for me for some time and while there is definitely... heat... between us, from my side she is just a friend (yes, I see the irony in this based on my previous post). So we say hi sometimes, because its about all we can do because otherwise words dry up and we just get both left feeling awkward. I had to say hi to her then though, as soon as I saw her.. otherwise I might have been too scared.

After that I was a bit shaken up and star and i got back to getting to know each other properly before we went out for dinner. That dinner was funny as hell, though intimidating. All three of those knew each other real life before so I was seeing how I fitted into the group. I deliberately went with star too and from the restaurant and that made it feel easier and less that I was putting them out. It was also so good to steal the time with her. Dinner was entertaining and I mostly listened as those three are just far too quick for me. I also know I went bright red or looked away everytime star looked at me out the corner of her eye. I am too easy sometimes! The two other ladies went back to the house to change and settle while star and I went back to the room to talk more and cuddle up. I don't really like talking about "experiences" except in generalities, I mean they are pretty private, intense, personal, intimate things. For me it's very much about the connection I am making with the person I am with rather than the act (something again I really discovered over the time out there). Yes, somethings are very nice and yummy feeling, somethings are wow sexual and hot, but compared to how it brings you close to someone? Doesn't come near it in the long run. Those are tools, channels, conduits to join two people together. For me anyway :). But, back to the story. It stands out as one of several intense, deep experiences that when I doubt "am I submissive?" I can go back to and think... god yes. Such a simple thing. She just touched me. My face. My neck. My hair. Just fingertouches. Nothing hard. A stroke on the back of my neck, a finger on my cheek. Moving my face. I was so lost in the touches, how it made me feel, how it made my mind go blank, how it made me want to please her... I would have found it hard to say "no" to anything she had asked while she was touching me like that. I would have tried to do it just so she didn't stop touching and so she was pleased. Such a very very simple thing. No toys. No sexual touching. Few words... But I was so lost. It was beautiful. I didn't want it to stop.

Stop it had to though as we had to shower and get dressed for the evening dungeon! So reluctantly we stopped, with deep sighs from me... and got ready. star helped me retie my corset as it was laced awkwardly and then tighten it a little, then Jolie and MsSilvie arrived and helped me tighten it to the "ooomph" stage. So, burgundy corset, burgandy laced thong and beautiful silver brown coyote tail. Oh and fishnets. Heh, don't forget the fishnets. The final piece was putting on my collar with Jolie's little gold tag on it. I felt so proud. Proud and humble. Do you know how humbling it is to know you represent someone else and what you do reflects on them? It felt like an awesome responsibility. One I was proud to have asked for and been allowed to have, but still... such a responsibility... and I felt so safe. Nothing bad could happen to me.

The Ladies were so kind as to warm my bum up and pink it a bit before we headed down to the dungeon. That was giggly yummy fun, then the moment of truth and my trip to my very first dungeon. Due to their rules leashes were not allowed in public spaces (though collars were.. and some ummm fairly interesting outfits... but not leashes), so it wasn't until we got to outside the dungeon could my leash be attached. When it clicked on, something little clicked in my brain... even more so than it had been. I just felt quite, calm, peaceful, content and responsive. Nothing really could bother me, nothing could halm me, I was safe and wanted and kept. All I had to do was follow her and nothing else mattered. We wandered into the dungeon and I let the sounds, sights, heat, cries, music, whimpers, and conversation wash over me. So much to take in. Lots of impact play. People naked or semi-naked attached to crosses and posts. Tables with people spread over them. A woman being fisted and screaming in agony and ecstacy. A detailed medical scene, leading to a catherisation... calm and collected amongst the more frenetic activity. The sting of a single tail whistling through the air. The thud, thud, thud of floggers. The cries of subs being pushed and loving it. The whispering of a woman to her lover as she ran a knife over her chest, twisting the point just enough to prick. The intricate setting up of a suspension scene. Two beautiful beautiful ladies walking en point while dressed in perfectly smooth latex, the agony they must have been in but the grace and composure. A fire-cupping scene. All so wonderful to watch. Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to fear. Nothing to hide from. It just felt very natural, very right, very perfect. I don't think anything really registered fully, it was just more tasting it. Jolie kept asking if there was anything I wanted to see particularly but it was all so new I couldn't pick out one thing. It was enough just to taste it all, to drink it in. We wandered around, the pair of us. I instinctively fell in step behind her. Just off her shoulder to one side, a pace behind. We didn't agree it. We didn't discuss it. It was just where I should be. Following around behind her as she moved around, side-stepping play spaces or other people walking. Keeping close, behind where i belonged. My hands pressed against the small of my back. Leash tugging when she wanted me to move. Mostly just the leash just hanging as I kept within her space. The corset forcing my breaths to be shallow and regular. The tail making me swish as I walked, with the fishnets almost making me prance. I belonged there and I had come home. It wasn't scary. It wasn't odd. It wasn't extreme. It may not have been my think being so much physical play and with me being so often more gentle, sensual things... but it was still home. Normal people enjoying themselves in ways that people label kinky.

I struggled a little when it came to us stopping and regrouping with the rest of our friends. Since we hadn't discussed it I didn't really know what was expected of me, so went for a chair but was then "encouraged" to the floor. Little things of learning what someone expects of you, but once you've learnt.... you just follow. So I sat at their feet, just watching a very intense scene before us while they chattered above my head. Watching, kneeled at their feet back arched and tall. Hands caressing my hair, stroking my neck. Purring silently inside as it was too much to take in to make noise. Then the blows... strikes from above against my chest and shoulders with the silk fan she had. The hard wood edges striking my chest. It may not have felt much to them hitting but to me... to me those hurt... those hurt and then hands and mouth kissing those spots, soothing it before starting again. I loved it. I loved it so much. I loved it hurt because what the hurt would bring... the caresses, the gentle words, the murmur of delight. The comments how I was stretching out my thong. That people were watching me or smiling as they went past. I never noticed if anyone was... I just watched the scene in front of me... when I wasn't arching my head back. It hurt... it felt good. That combination of sensations. Did I love the caresses and hate the blows? Did I love that one led to the other? Did I love that they loved doing this to me? Do I know? Do I care... Sensation.

After the dungeon we went back to the room and cuddled up, giggled lots. Giggled hysterically in fact while starflower gave MsSilvie a massage and then MsSilvie reciprocated with a flogging. While that went on we just giggled and whispered and whispered and giggled. It was.. to quote starflower's favourite word, awesome ;-).

And that.. was day one...

Colorado

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bloody cycl...

Fuck! I just almost got run over by a cyclist that didn't stop when the traffic lights at the pedestrian crossing turned red! Since when did NO traffic rules apply to cyclists???

Love

Sometimes it can be pretty hard to be in-love with someone that "just" loves you back.

"Just"

"Just"

"Just"

thats such a bad way of thnking about it. They don't "just" love you. It's not a diminutive thing. They love you with the full force that their heart, mind, soul and body can love you. It's a beautiful thing. They give you what they have to give you, just as you try to give them. It's not easy... but accepting what others have to give rather than concentrating on what they can't is so much more rewarding. It's not personal against you. We don't chose how our feelings develop, but we can take responsibility for them.

I do worry, I worry a lot. I know when I fall I fall deeply, completely, so I don't want to appear obsessive, opressive, needy, pushing someone. I am a realist, I know situations and despite annoying emotional ups and downs I do want to get the best out of situations, I do want to enjoy someone as they are, as my friend and enjoy the love they have for me, and not let other things spoil it.

I want also for them to enjoy the fact that someone can love them that way, for it to encourage them, make them feel good about themselves and the possibilities for their future. I never want it to be a burden on them. For them to have to make allowances or "handle" me.

Of course sometimes it just freaking drives my head nuts, but being honest but time makes everything easier and I know as things dredge up buried feelings, they can and will settling in their rightful place again... and I have done this before and can do it again, and its worth it. In time, slowly feelings change and soften and one day you wonder why ever you had that problem. You still have your friend though.

Of course if I stop forgetting my pill and taking it at the wrong time, that'd help too...

A pressie

A lovely lady i met at Thunder was soooooooo kind she has sent me a book to open my eyes a bit to BDSM. Its the first kink book i've read, so its started to be an interesting read. It's called "The New Bottoming Book". I'm very touched by the thought, and I will pick out snippets as I read it and post them.

Closure

There is another significance to the fact its been two years... Two years separation in the UK means you can file for a no-fault divorce on those grounds. Thats what we had agreed to do, to give time for the emotions to settle so it became as much of a practical thing as possible. We sold the house ages ago, bought a new one just for her. She changed her name about 3 months ago to get her maiden name back. So this is just a formality. It's closure. Yes, I am sure it's going to have an effect on us, but nothing like it would have back then.

Closure. I like that word.

Pillock

I am such a pillock!

I was talking to mum on the phone, telling her and the boy about the conference and she pointed out thats the week when my landlady is here. Grrrrr. SO i am going to miss some of the time with her. Still, it will give her time to do some stuff and now that I've been reminded of this we can plan around it!

DAMN my memory is bad!

Syncronicity-ish

Kind of. Maybe I am stretching the point but it feels that way.

Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.

Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?

It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.

You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.

Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.

Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.

Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.

Then the emotional ones -

How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.

Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?

Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.

Not letting her ways get to you anymore.


I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.

The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.

One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.

Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.

My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.

Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.

Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.

Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.

Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.

Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.

Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.

Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.

Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.

Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.


When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.

I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.

You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.

This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.

I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.


So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?

Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).

Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.

Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.

Red tape

Got to love working for a big company!

Six months ago if there was a vendor conference then it'd be fine, the vendor would probably arrange and pay for it.

Then we stopped being able to have hospitality so our company had to pay for things, so this made it harder as the approvals were tricky, but it was ok as the admins still booked all the travel and they were good at it.

We are now in the big company world though, so no longer can you have an admin doing admin work... we are all empowered to book our own travel through the corporate travel company online and everything is SO much easier.

Ummm this will be why we had two senior engineers today spending two hours each fighting it to find a flight to Berlin for a SUN conference.

Still, it did pass the time, and I AM going to Berlin for the two day conference in September. Now what's the chances the hotel won't be expecting us when we get there....

Busy weekends

I had a lovely weekend and ended up so tired after it.

Met mum and the boy at the train station on Friday night and took them home. Heh, yes I had hidden everything and I even remembered Mum's birthday so I had flowers when I met them. I finished the laundry, made dinner and we ate while the boy demonstrated his new game... he decided he was a bingo caller and so we all had to sit down and play bingo while he chose numbers from a list. I think I was conned as Mum won both nights, so I am sure there is some favouritism going on here.

The boy also discovered the puppy soft toy I was given in the USA, with its beautiful bondage play collar. He was very taken with the puppy and spent all weekend cuddling it, I had to drag it off him when he finally left... Both Mum and he DID comment on the collar asking if it was real. I of course was honest and said yes. I just didn't enlighten them as to it being a real what.

I still think it looks cuter on me than on the soft toy *pouts* upstaged by a white fur-ball.

Saturday morning we went to the movies. Our local cinema does a "kids club" movie for a pound each thats a family movie from a couple of months back. There were a fair bunch of kids there but they were all pretty well behaved, I was impressed. It was "Meet the Robinsons" and I was pleasantly surprised, we enjoyed ourselves. Straight from their to Beale Park, a local country park with animals and lakes. We had a good time there and it was a lovely sunny day, so a picnic by the lake and wander round looking at the animals til Mum's hip started to play up.

Then home, and as it was still sunny we had time to clear up the garden a little as it was due to rain. I cut the grass and the bushes and Mum helped tidy up. I didn't ask her to, I told her not to, but you try stopping a mum when she gets an idea in her head! Rather you than me!

Early night as we were all pleasantly exhausted, and then drive them both down to Bournemouth as the boy is staying with Mum and Dad for a few days. Its the longest drive i've had in my new car and I came away a bit achey but I am glad I gave it a good run and it was good to see Dad again.

Experimented on the way home, doing all the good driving habits, keeping a constant speed, etc, and managed to get it to 59.1 miles to the gallon which impressed me no end, even if it was really boring driving like that ;-).

Then a nice tired evening, chatting with a friend on the phone, clearing up some things from my trip over to the USA (I will write about that, heh, just other things have been more of a focus since I came back).

A pretty damned good weekend, and one I needed. I am so looking forward to having my boy for the whole week soon.

Pretty pills

I love my little white pills. I really do.

For once I am not being sarcastic. They have helped me so much with keeping perspective. Restoring balance. Stopping me over-reacting or getting anxious about things. Not making one situation get swamped by all the others, so they remain discrete.

It really does make a difference.

Monday morning I was kind of stressed, well ok I had a lot on my mind and was trying to re-evaluate how things had changed in a relationship based on revelations. I knew we'd get through it and things would be fine, but I needed to go through all the emotions.

Monday morning I could see it was getting to me when I rechecked I had locked the car 5 times. Got to love OCD behaviour. Love the little ways the brain hits you with a club and says oi, boy, I am kinda dealing with as much as I can now, give me a break.

So I listened. In fairness its about the first time I've done that since the meds kicked in, to that extent anyway. So it was a warning and I took it. I gave myself some slack in the day, planned a quite evening of "wallowing" if thats what I needed. I bought some ice cream on the way home (not Ben and Jerrys as I decided I was going to wallow, not bankrupt myself!) and decided on the traditional evening of a tub of ice cream, some wine and bad tv.

Yes, I know I am a girl. Or so several people told me :P So sue me. You are just jealous as I look better in fishnets than you do!

Heh ok so that WAS my intention but I ended up drinking only 3cm of the wine and not starting the ice cream til 11pm. The rest of the time involved being pretty happy as a friend said she was going to go get help for something bothering her and talking with a relatively new friend on the phone for the first time, which was a delight.

BUT, I did give myself space to get through some feelings, which made me a happier bunny.

Thats the difference. I was anxious, had some symptoms but the meds gave me space to deal with it and not let it escalate. So cool.

This put me in a much better place when my friend really needed me the next day.

If you do suffer anxiety that stops you doing things, that seriously impacts your life, that leads to depression, going in circles, paralysing you... PLEASE consider getting help from your doctor. It doesnt have to be like that.

De-kinking

Mum was coming to visit tonight, so this morning I had to de-kink the house. You know its not the obvious things that catch you out.

Not the corset
Not the lube
Not the toys

Its the little things

The chemise slung over a chair
The high heels in the corner
The restraints attached to the puppy teddy bears collar, tying them behind his back
The photo album of half naked photos
The thongs in the washing machine
The dog bowl on the side
The leash tucked on the arm chair

This is hard work!

A me moment

I woke up this morning and someone wasn't there. Someone who I normally say "hi" to when I first get to a computer at work or at home.

It feels like a big hole at the moment and she is very much missed. She is going through a lot of changes in her life at the moment and I am glad she is in a place where she will be with family rather than online, but selfishly I feel a big gap where I am used to her being.

I miss her already.

I am glad I miss her. I am glad I can feel what she means to me. Everytime I half turn round thinking "oh I should tell that to..." and find she isn't there I will think of her and send her warm thoughts and prayers.

That was my selfish "me" moment, he says with a wry smile, so I can get back to wishing my friend well in her situation and sticking behind her in anyway possible.