Learning slowly

A very special friend and I had our first... hmmm not falling out but I guess chasm in how we were talking yesterday.

A time when we were both speaking in tongues and while it looked like we were both speaking English we were talking very different languages from different perspectives. This was through no fault of either of us, neither was being bitchy, upset, cross, mad or not trying. Just one of those things where things just don't seem to gel and I think both of us came away feeling dissatisfied with how things ended up. It's not a nice feeling when you are used to things not even having to be said most of the time.

I know, for me, something that was said brought up demons I didn't know I had. There is no way she could know this, she wasn't trying to worry me, make me think, tell me a problem... anything. Just a very simple passing comment about something I know was WAY behind us that made me go "oh". Not because how she said it, not because of why, not because it happened even... just because I am used to reacting like that. This surprised me and yes, it put me in a bit of a bad place for a bit. I reacted because thats how I always reacted in that situation with my ex. I felt myself back in the place of "if the ex said this it was for THIS reason" and thats how I reacted to my good friend. I didn't react to her. I reacted to the past.

This is a bad thing... when you react not to the person you are with but to bad things way behind you.

This is a good thing. I didn't know this baggage was there with me. It caught me by surprise. When you think so many things are behind you, you just don't know where the little hurts and twitches are left behind. Its good to be reminded of them, to find them with someone you love and care for and trust. Someone that even if you go "ugh" and react badly you can trust in them and their reasons and hold onto that and move past it. Someone you know you can freak at slightly and they know its not because of them or what they did or meant, but because you have things to work through. Someone patient and loving and kind who wants the best for you.

So it was not the most comfortable conversation and I came away feeling a bit "blah" and dissatisfied, but I sat and thought about it for a little after. Looked at my reactions and why. Saw how tied up they were with my old ways and my ex and said "screw this, I dont want to behave like this" and put it behind me. Left the girl a voicemail being a lot more positive. Then, put it behind me as a "ok so that was really silly, lets not do that again". This is very not like me to be so quick to deal with something in my head and not sit and beat myself up. It really is a much better way.

I am very grateful for the chance to learn from her. I know we both have our demons from the past (who doesn't?) and I know she is as determined as me to make any mistakes we make as just us and not because of people before us. We will have ups, downs, misunderstanding, times when we get scared and worried and freak, times when we just enjoy. That's good and right and all part of keep building our relationship as US. So thankyou for letting me make mistakes and letting me learn from them and trusting me enough to know that thats what they are and how I feel doesnt change.