Never fall in love again...?

I was talking to a friend the other day, listening to her talk so proudly about her boy and the way he had grown and changed and the way he handled things now. There were times things didn't always go right but it was beautiful to hear the way she handled it, and how patiently and lovingly she handled it and how she put it behind her when they said "sorry". I have a lot of admiration for her. I was in a relationship for a long time when my other half pushed me deliberately to get a reaction, provoking and hitting me in the tender spots in order to try and get me to hate them - mainly because thats how they expected people to react. People to leave, people to get fed up with them, people to hate them as ultimately they didn't like themselves. I am not exactly proud of how I reacted all the time. Sometimes I just tried to keep the peace, sometimes I exploded. I know it was a difficult time and I was not in a good place, so handled it the best I could. I am happy to say I am a lot calmer, a lot less stressed and a lot less frustrated than I was back then so hope I deal with conflict a lot better now.

Anyway, thats a digression. Me rambling because I've been in situations where people have pushed deliberately or otherwise and I have great admiration for anyone that can stay loving and calm and then just let it go and forgive. It's a great sign of a loving woman and also a very necessary necessary one in a dominant partner.

Listening to her it made me smile but also reminded me of SR and my experiences with her, and the times she had been like that with me. Ever patient, always loving, never keeping a grudge. Always focussed on what was best for both of us. It brought back so many memories and so many emotions. It did bring little tears to my eyes and a pang to my heart. Happy memories and a real sense of loss. Tears heal and anything which means something to you will always hurt when it ends. I think I would worry if it didn't hurt, as that would have meant it was just a game. It wasn't a game, it was very real, the feelings were very real and they don't just go away over night.

Over these couple of weeks my feelings have changed. First there was just the horrible sense of loss, the fact she was gone, that I wouldn't see her again. That was devestating and in it was a feeling of being desperately worried about her that she was facing this all alone. Then she came back, and it was odd for a few days. A distant formality without really saying anything that meant anything. A hi, how are you, how are the kids. Not probing anything that might be painful. Not saying anything which might be too intimate or showing affection. Just... distant. It might have stayed like that I guess. I know I have kept people at arms length before to stop from being hurt. She did teach me a different way of being though, and that if both people are willing to try, you can change the world. It would have been hideous to keep going through the casual inanities. We have always managed to laugh at each other and laugh at ourselves. So... after a couple of days of trying to be good, we started taking the mickey out of each other... which escalated into a set of point scoring which she of course won and that was that. No more pussyfooting about, this was war! *grins* Hey there has to be SOME advantage to her not being my Owner anymore... and the fact she can't give me "the look" anymore is one of them ;-). So I am a brat. Of course it also means she can go below the belt with her comments too which makes me laugh so hard when she does.

So we settled down into a friendly banter, being able to talk about anything and everything as while things have changed, we are still the same people we always were. We still trust each other as much. We still value each other as much. We just have certain limits in what is and isn't appropriate. In some ways, we are actually closer. I have that natural separation from her now that my mood isn't so tied into hers. Yes, I don't like it when she is down or upset but, I am not quite as close and can step away. It's hard to have that perspective when you respond so instinctively to someone else. So... now I am unentwining my reactions and responses slowly and that changes me from being a pet to just being a friend. Maybe a better friend as I can be the kind of friend I want to be for people. Strong, caring, but able to be honest and say the hard things too. I like it. So, no longer intimate but closer friends.

Friends again, but still with a slowly changing sense of loss. After the initial "i've lost her", to the... making things work as friends, and now to trying to get my head around the loss of Ownership and what that means to me. At first it didn't bother me, I mean... compared to losing her it was nothing. Now though... it was a deep part of me so of course its going to take time.
The conversation with my friend reminded me of that, that deep bond between an Owner and their property. How special it was. I am glad. I am glad to be reminded of all those things so that I don't forget. I celebrate them even in with that wistful pang of hurt. The bitter sweetness. It hurts because it was so special. It hurts because it meant so much. Things will keep doing that and I will smile a soft smile, a little tear in the corner of my eye, and will let ago a little more. Thats how you move on.

A conversation this morning with her did pretty much the same, in a different way, a different part of our relationship. Her reminiscing her childhood just reminded me some of the reasons why I fell in love with her. The kind of woman she is and how lucky I was to get close to her.
After leaving my my wife I was sure no one could take her place. There would be no one else. That no one would ever fill the hole she left. No one could ever want me. I said never again to falling in love.

When I faced adjusting and letting go of how I felt about my Scottish friend, I was sure the hole that left could never be filled. No one could ever be quite so wonderful as her. No one could get to me so deeply and make me smile just with a laugh or a hi. Could just make me feel the world was a wonderful place just by the sound of their voice. I said never again. I had been blessed with a one off. A one chance to know you could love someone and it be good and not abusive, and they might actually appreciate you loving them. But I would never fall in love again.
Now. Letting go of SR, I say yes. I say again. So I look forward to falling hopelessly and totally in love again and the bliss and pain of it. I expect it to come again.

I always looked at the hole people left in my life after they were gone and dwelt on that and the fact no one else could take that place. Always loss. Maybe I've grown up a bit. There is an SR shaped-hole in my life, but that's a hole thats filled by her and no one else could ever fill. Its her hole and will always have her in it, even if how she fits has changed. I don't want to look for anyone to replace her. I have other holes in my life, other places people can fit. I look forward to discovering those holes and discovering the people that will be in them.