Last week felt like a desperate loss. I'd lost an owner, and a friend in one go and didn't know how to do anything but cry my eyes out at the hole that was left. Crying is good, crying heals and washes away pain, but when your heart is broken its kind of hard to see there might be anything else.
Thursday I did something I've never done, I pulled a sickie. I slept badly and couldn't really face work, so I called in sick and moped around the house. Cried lots. It's so hard to describe when someone has been such a part of your life and then is just suddenly gone. I've never lost anyone close to me where they were just gone. The closest was when I left my wife, but she was still there in a way even if we weren't talking.
It was just that she was GONE. My friend and confidente of two years who had always been so funny, so wise, so determined, so strong, such an inspiration to me. Someone I had grown to love. She is just an exemplary woman, one with rare common sense, both not suffering fools but also compassionate and caring. I love her. It's as simple as that.
I knew it was necessary and I knew it was right, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell.
I'm glad I took Thursday off. In the morning, I mentioned to a friend of mine that maybe they should call her sooner rather than later (We had talked when would be a good time for her to see how things were)... her response "I'm talking to her now on IM honey". This just killed me. The fact that she was there, but I couldn't talk to her. I am so grateful my friend was honest, didn't hide or mask the fact. She was just direct and honest and its what I appreciate about her. It's why I can trust what she says. I didn't know what the situation was, whether she would be allowed to talk to me or not... or whether it would just be like this, that she could talk to others but not us. That was a horrible thought. I just kind of moped around the day, trying to get a few little things done before going away for easter break. Late afternoon... she popped up on my screen with a hi. I could have cried. Well I probably did.
We chatted, about nothing. I rambled at her. It was just good to see her, to know that we can still chat and be friends. OK, just friends, but to be honest that was what was most important to me, that I could still have her in my life in some way. Yes, it's going to be different, and there is a lot to let go of... but still friends. I know I am going to have to learn how to be just a friend again, and it's not going to be easy... but it was such a relief.
Whereas it had been a total sense of loss, now it was a bittersweet ache. I had my friend back, and that was worth all the things I had lost. I still love her. I just can't say it or show it. I can't give her the affection I feel, I can't show her what she means to me. I have my friend though, and we will adjust. I know it must be as hard on her. So many things that have to be left unsaid. It's hard, being casual. Being just friends. Going from such intimacy to that, almost overnight. We will do it though. Today I said to her, I will say this just once, then never mention it again. I need you and always will.
I wanted to say it before locking those words away in a box somewhere. Just so she knew. However our relationship changes, I will always need her as my friend. Always want her.
This all sounds pretty selfish, but this is to help me adjust to these changes. I know she is going through all this, plus so much more, and my heart does go out to her. I am just stupidly grateful though I can still make her smile, still make her days a little brighter maybe, even if its just as a friend. I have my friend, and now I have to work at letting go the rest. It's not easy. I see her and frankly, I still lust after her. Six months of being trained to respond to just he sight of her name is hard to shrug off overnight. Six months of loving her and making her laugh and sharing such deep thoughts. Sharing everything, giving everything I had. It's also hard losing all those routines, those rituals that brought me closer to her, all those things I did for her. All just stopped, just like that. Now I have to learn what I want for me.
This is for the best though, that I am sure. Change always hurts but always gives us new opportunities, if we let it. I am sure its going to be for the best for her marriage, that this will bring them closer together, or at least make the issues be addressed and not hidden away. This will be the best for me, eventually, force me to look for what I want for me, in time. Force me to push forward. It has already shown me how I have some amazing friends who really care for me. It's shown me how there must be a reason for it, even though I hate it now and can't see what it may be... The timing is just so, spot on. The day my landlady went back and I am alone again. Exactly when my anti-depressants would start kicking in, and so would help soften the blow a little. They have, I am sure. I am sad yes, and I feel lost. I feel directionless. I was desperately heartbroken too, now I feel... uneasy, feel the loss, feel alone. I don't feel hopeless and depressed though. I hope that keeps on as the days go by.
It must be for a reason. We will make it work as friends and still support and care for each other, but in the ways we can now. I am not going to stop loving her, but I will learn to do it in the ways that are appropriate now.
I have the knowledge though that a woman I think the world of considered me her treasure. Considered me her puppy. Considered me worthy of being owned. That is something no one can ever take away from me, and I have to hold my head up with pride and look at the great future she has opened up for me. A future I am still lucky enough to share with her in some small way.
Thursday I did something I've never done, I pulled a sickie. I slept badly and couldn't really face work, so I called in sick and moped around the house. Cried lots. It's so hard to describe when someone has been such a part of your life and then is just suddenly gone. I've never lost anyone close to me where they were just gone. The closest was when I left my wife, but she was still there in a way even if we weren't talking.
It was just that she was GONE. My friend and confidente of two years who had always been so funny, so wise, so determined, so strong, such an inspiration to me. Someone I had grown to love. She is just an exemplary woman, one with rare common sense, both not suffering fools but also compassionate and caring. I love her. It's as simple as that.
I knew it was necessary and I knew it was right, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell.
I'm glad I took Thursday off. In the morning, I mentioned to a friend of mine that maybe they should call her sooner rather than later (We had talked when would be a good time for her to see how things were)... her response "I'm talking to her now on IM honey". This just killed me. The fact that she was there, but I couldn't talk to her. I am so grateful my friend was honest, didn't hide or mask the fact. She was just direct and honest and its what I appreciate about her. It's why I can trust what she says. I didn't know what the situation was, whether she would be allowed to talk to me or not... or whether it would just be like this, that she could talk to others but not us. That was a horrible thought. I just kind of moped around the day, trying to get a few little things done before going away for easter break. Late afternoon... she popped up on my screen with a hi. I could have cried. Well I probably did.
We chatted, about nothing. I rambled at her. It was just good to see her, to know that we can still chat and be friends. OK, just friends, but to be honest that was what was most important to me, that I could still have her in my life in some way. Yes, it's going to be different, and there is a lot to let go of... but still friends. I know I am going to have to learn how to be just a friend again, and it's not going to be easy... but it was such a relief.
Whereas it had been a total sense of loss, now it was a bittersweet ache. I had my friend back, and that was worth all the things I had lost. I still love her. I just can't say it or show it. I can't give her the affection I feel, I can't show her what she means to me. I have my friend though, and we will adjust. I know it must be as hard on her. So many things that have to be left unsaid. It's hard, being casual. Being just friends. Going from such intimacy to that, almost overnight. We will do it though. Today I said to her, I will say this just once, then never mention it again. I need you and always will.
I wanted to say it before locking those words away in a box somewhere. Just so she knew. However our relationship changes, I will always need her as my friend. Always want her.
This all sounds pretty selfish, but this is to help me adjust to these changes. I know she is going through all this, plus so much more, and my heart does go out to her. I am just stupidly grateful though I can still make her smile, still make her days a little brighter maybe, even if its just as a friend. I have my friend, and now I have to work at letting go the rest. It's not easy. I see her and frankly, I still lust after her. Six months of being trained to respond to just he sight of her name is hard to shrug off overnight. Six months of loving her and making her laugh and sharing such deep thoughts. Sharing everything, giving everything I had. It's also hard losing all those routines, those rituals that brought me closer to her, all those things I did for her. All just stopped, just like that. Now I have to learn what I want for me.
This is for the best though, that I am sure. Change always hurts but always gives us new opportunities, if we let it. I am sure its going to be for the best for her marriage, that this will bring them closer together, or at least make the issues be addressed and not hidden away. This will be the best for me, eventually, force me to look for what I want for me, in time. Force me to push forward. It has already shown me how I have some amazing friends who really care for me. It's shown me how there must be a reason for it, even though I hate it now and can't see what it may be... The timing is just so, spot on. The day my landlady went back and I am alone again. Exactly when my anti-depressants would start kicking in, and so would help soften the blow a little. They have, I am sure. I am sad yes, and I feel lost. I feel directionless. I was desperately heartbroken too, now I feel... uneasy, feel the loss, feel alone. I don't feel hopeless and depressed though. I hope that keeps on as the days go by.
It must be for a reason. We will make it work as friends and still support and care for each other, but in the ways we can now. I am not going to stop loving her, but I will learn to do it in the ways that are appropriate now.
I have the knowledge though that a woman I think the world of considered me her treasure. Considered me her puppy. Considered me worthy of being owned. That is something no one can ever take away from me, and I have to hold my head up with pride and look at the great future she has opened up for me. A future I am still lucky enough to share with her in some small way.
Powered by ScribeFire.
No comments:
Post a Comment