Different tastes

Sunday morning we popped over to Blackbushe Market since I was staying over at the ex's. I haven't been for ages but it was fun to go back there with the boy and her and wander round looking at the stalls in the sun. Brought back happy memories when we used to do it soon after we were married - a time we were reliving happy memories of doing it as children with our parents.

It was funny though the different things we were looking for. The ex at all the bling accessories for her mobile phone. My boy wanting to look at all the tins of pokemon trading cards and the toys. Me ummmm welll. Me, I DID avoid looking at the lingerie, but that was because they were there. I did however sucumb to looking at the throwing knives and other collectable sharp objects (I was good though, didn't buy any!). I may also just have spent a tad too long in one of the stalls selling lots of goth/rock t-shirts and stuff. The ex did roll her eyes when she saw me looking at all the pretty little goth skirts and corsets and stuff. I think she thought I was imaginging it on a girl though... and my thoughts were somewhere completely different!!! Ummm yes, must go back to somewhere like that. I think that kinda made it certain that those sides of my tendancies weren't just down to SR!

We did however meet in the middle when we got to the pet supplies stalls. The ex wanted to buy a mat for her cat to lie on on her bed. They were pretty cheap and quite cute. My PC in the lounge is on the coffee table so I tend to kneel down in front of it (so you can have that image in your mind if you ever read a comment from me!!!), or sit on my haunches. Well i am nottttttttttttt getting any younger and starting to notice the aches in my knee's and ankles... especially as its a wood laminate floor. The ex got her mat for her cat, and I picked up this really cute one to sit down on.

She just laughed at the one I chose... and I laugh too. It's good to laugh at yourself and everytime I see it or the boy sits on it with me I will laugh. Well I know it's a puppy mat :).

Simple pleasures

It really is the simple pleasures.

Saturday night my ex had to put one of the boys cub scout badges on his jumper and she was hinting very strongly she wasn't very good at sewing, so I took the hint and offered to do it.

A simple simple thing. Sewing a badge on my boys jumper. Sunday was his scouts parade and watching him march around I felt so very proud of him. Even if he did have his t-shirt hanging out and sort of looked to the right daydreaming when they said "eyes left". I did feel so very pleased at having been involved :). It's MY job now to put his badges on!

Twinkle Twinkle

A friend of mine is going through a tough time at the moment and this goes out to her. Everytime I hear the song I smile and it makes me think of her. She may be one of the smartest woman I know but without a doubt she is also THE bravest.

You might just be a little star, but you shine SO brightly and brighten SO many lives. Keep shining in the darkness petal.

*hugs*

Alan

"Lil Star"

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining brightly
It's probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many other around
When deep inside you feels darkest
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out an touch me
you'll see I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
I’ve been running and jumping, but barely
Getting, getting over the bar
I plan on being much more than I, am but that's in due time
But until then I'm guilty, and being humans my crime
Being human that is my crime
Being human that is my crime

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner of later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

Anyone for coffee/theatre/movies/walks near Oxford/Reading/Didcot?

It's that time of year when the theatres start advertising their new seasons, the summer blockbusters start to appear at the cinema, the hills and forests cry out to be walked in...
Last year (my first year living round here) I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvved going to the open air theatre in Oxford but it was kinda a shame to go on my own and not have anyone to have a laugh with or talk about it with after.

So if there is anyone (boy or girl or couple or anything else :-)) in the Reading/Didcot/Oxford area that likes cinema, theatre, gigs, long walks or imbibing silly amounts of coffee and would like to meet up just as friends and enjoy some combination of the above just as friends and have a giggle some evening, then drop me a note.

The Oxford Creation Theatre does some pretty amazing interpretations of Shakespeare... This year its Hamlet and The Taming of the Shrew... but pretty much everything is fun no matter how different it is :). Lol, you never know until you try it.

Anti-depressants

So that leads us onto the anti-depressants. I've really wanted to write and explore the effects they've had on me. After the first few weeks of side-effects and feeling awful they settled down. I think the first difference I noticed was when I decided to call my sister and ask her about the panic attacks she had had when she was younger. I knew they had happened but never the details. My family has always been fairly distant to each other. We talk to Mum and she tells us what's going on but that's it. She has been the hub of it all so we are never close. I decided to break that and stop holding back and phone my sister. It's probably the first time we've talked properly in as long as I can remember. It was good. I learnt a lot about what she had gone through and was honest about what I was going through. I could see a lot of similarities in the causes behind her problems, even though the way they came out was very different.

Anxiety. Obsessive compulsive behaviour. Social anxiety and having difficulty with close relationships. Overthinking and worrying things. Analysing situations, conversations to the point you would just not have them as you would be paralysed. She then exhibited panic attacks and agoraphobia. Mine came out in different ways, but the same basic feelings seemed to be underneath. I started thinking then of my brother, how he stressed at work to the point of being unbearable. How he's happier now being a househusband but has no friends or relationships outside the family. The way I watched him sit biting his nails anxiously when they were trying to buy their new house when I was over there. The tension in him clearly visible. I guess I've always looked upto my brother and sister and always assumed they were "ok" and it was just me that struggled. This was the first time I'd seen it as a family thing. It was comforting, to know it wasn't just me... and honestly, it made me look how far I've come and think wow, I haven't done too badly. I know I don't have any close friends I see face to face but... I am well respected at work. I have a very responsible job. I make decisions at work which effect others. I've started over from scratch and have started to discover "me" and not "her husband". I've accepted things about myself. I have a number of good dear friends who while they happen to be mainly a fair distance away... care about me deeply and genuinely and will reach out and support me. I've done pretty well really when I think about the way things have affected us. It doesn't matter to me if it's nature or nurture thats caused this anxiety in my family. Was it Mum being overprotective and coddling us? Is it a chemical thing? It doesn't matter. It is however a fact... and It made me feel a lot more positive about the anti-depressants. There is a problem to be addressed and it is not just that I could not cope.
So I started being open and honest about the medication. Not hiding it and being ashamed. I joke about it at work, I don't hide it. If I can in the slightest take away some of the perceived stigma of depression then good! People have helped me enough, I would like to give something back.

Then I went to Amsterdam with my Landlady. That was a pretty worrying week anyway not knowing what was wrong with her. I tend to dislike places I am not familiar with, especially if they are not English. The same tenseness and anxiety. This time though I loved it. Yes, I still got nervous about things but... Not to the same extent. It was at a level I could handle and either give into it or push past it. I could enjoy things. I did enjoy it. I didn't sit anxiously worrying over doing things. I didn't waste the time getting uptight over the fact I would have to say good bye to my Landlady friend. I just... enjoyed those moments. Even leaving her at the airport, with a hug and a smile while it made me sad, it made me still glad of the chance we had had.

Coming home to the UK. Coming back to that email which was so unexpected, to know something which had been so much a part of my life was changed forever. I sat on the coach and cried... and reached out. It hurt so badly but the first thing I did was reach out for someone. It was a hard few days, and it hurt so badly... but it hurt. It didn't send me spiralling into depression or the blackness. It didn't send me inwards hiding away. It didn't send me into myself to hurt myself. It just hurt as grief is supposed to.
I've had some bad days and weekends over the last few weeks yes but, they are just that. Bad days, being pissed off, exhausted or work getting to me. They haven't gone to the same depths though. They haven't got blown out of proportion and led me to the hurtful dark places where it stops being about a bad day and becomes about everything else, all the past things which come up, all the old patterns of thinking.

I still get anxious but, its controllable. It doesn't paralyse me into indecision. Now its down to the choices I make. I can let it get to me and stop, or I can keep going. That paralysing fear leading to inaction was a killer. Then you blame yourself for it afterwards.
I don't worry about things so much before they happen. Just deal with them as they come. Don't think about things I have done so much. Don't reply conversations. Just let it go.
I don't feel as driven. Yes. A good word. I've always felt driven to the extent of compulsion and not quite feeling in control at times. That's gone now. Still little hints of it but... managable.
Sexually... I'll admit I probably was overly sexual (strange for someone who has only ever as much as kissed one woman), but I think the whole being driven thing led to a hypersexuality which was NOT good for me and left me very confused and frustrated. Again, it's just sufficiently muted now to be a comfortable part of me. Part of me yes, but not something which controls or drives me. Everything in more of a balanced place.

That's the two things I'd say most. It's given me space in my thoughts to stop them spinning round and around and it's given me more balance.

I feel more relaxed. I feel more... sociable. More able to just speak first and then think about it after. A few situations have come up where I could offer someone a hand in the street. Helping someone on a train with a case. Offer a hand to a guy with a bad leg put out his trash. Normal situations yes but ones I would have just gone over and over in my head before to the point of not helping, then cursed and kicked myself for it. Now though I could offer a hand and just smile afterwards. This is more like the me I felt like and could never understand WHY i couldn't be like that as it's how I felt inside.

I think that's it. For the first time in my life I feel like the me I always thought I should have been but was frustrated at not being. There are possibilities now.

Yes... the dizziness I get sometimes isn't good, nor the insomnia... but I wouldn't look back now for the world.

Meetings

Wheeeeeeeee I am catching up. It's nice to get some of the words out. Last week I went off to meet a friend for the first time from online. He's just bought his first house so I went round to see it and buy pizza (mmmmm pizza... life is always good with pizza). I had a great time, hope he did too!! It was great to put a face and voice to a name and see all the differences between how people come across online and in the flesh. Not different in bad ways, just the way they flesh out into a full complete person. Made me look forward to meeting other friends in July even more. Absolutely smashing guy though, funny and very warm and glad to have him as a friend.

It was also an interesting experience for me. First time I've met someone off online since last February and my Scottish friend. First time I've met a guy off online since about 1995!!! I have no idea how I came across and honestly, I don't want to know!!!! What was important for me though was how differently I felt. When I've met people before i've always been very nervous and anxious and have started getting uptight and looking for excuses upto a week before. I've got tense, uptight, butterflies, panicky, heart beating too fast, dry mouthed, stuttery. That's how I've always been. It felt so different this time though. I just looked forward to it in the week. I didn't think about it too much. I didn't over analyse or overthink or worry about it. I didn't panic over silly things like the how to get there. I had a few minor butterflies but I just went and had a good time. Afterwards I didn't review all the conversations and think "god that sounded stupid". I just enjoyed it and came away smiling. It felt so different and so good. I think it was the most visible sign for me what difference the anti-depressants have made. Not that they make me happier... Just that they give me space to live in the moment more and not get so worked up.

Oh and I agree with him totally. Those clamps are a bitch!!

Never fall in love again...?

I was talking to a friend the other day, listening to her talk so proudly about her boy and the way he had grown and changed and the way he handled things now. There were times things didn't always go right but it was beautiful to hear the way she handled it, and how patiently and lovingly she handled it and how she put it behind her when they said "sorry". I have a lot of admiration for her. I was in a relationship for a long time when my other half pushed me deliberately to get a reaction, provoking and hitting me in the tender spots in order to try and get me to hate them - mainly because thats how they expected people to react. People to leave, people to get fed up with them, people to hate them as ultimately they didn't like themselves. I am not exactly proud of how I reacted all the time. Sometimes I just tried to keep the peace, sometimes I exploded. I know it was a difficult time and I was not in a good place, so handled it the best I could. I am happy to say I am a lot calmer, a lot less stressed and a lot less frustrated than I was back then so hope I deal with conflict a lot better now.

Anyway, thats a digression. Me rambling because I've been in situations where people have pushed deliberately or otherwise and I have great admiration for anyone that can stay loving and calm and then just let it go and forgive. It's a great sign of a loving woman and also a very necessary necessary one in a dominant partner.

Listening to her it made me smile but also reminded me of SR and my experiences with her, and the times she had been like that with me. Ever patient, always loving, never keeping a grudge. Always focussed on what was best for both of us. It brought back so many memories and so many emotions. It did bring little tears to my eyes and a pang to my heart. Happy memories and a real sense of loss. Tears heal and anything which means something to you will always hurt when it ends. I think I would worry if it didn't hurt, as that would have meant it was just a game. It wasn't a game, it was very real, the feelings were very real and they don't just go away over night.

Over these couple of weeks my feelings have changed. First there was just the horrible sense of loss, the fact she was gone, that I wouldn't see her again. That was devestating and in it was a feeling of being desperately worried about her that she was facing this all alone. Then she came back, and it was odd for a few days. A distant formality without really saying anything that meant anything. A hi, how are you, how are the kids. Not probing anything that might be painful. Not saying anything which might be too intimate or showing affection. Just... distant. It might have stayed like that I guess. I know I have kept people at arms length before to stop from being hurt. She did teach me a different way of being though, and that if both people are willing to try, you can change the world. It would have been hideous to keep going through the casual inanities. We have always managed to laugh at each other and laugh at ourselves. So... after a couple of days of trying to be good, we started taking the mickey out of each other... which escalated into a set of point scoring which she of course won and that was that. No more pussyfooting about, this was war! *grins* Hey there has to be SOME advantage to her not being my Owner anymore... and the fact she can't give me "the look" anymore is one of them ;-). So I am a brat. Of course it also means she can go below the belt with her comments too which makes me laugh so hard when she does.

So we settled down into a friendly banter, being able to talk about anything and everything as while things have changed, we are still the same people we always were. We still trust each other as much. We still value each other as much. We just have certain limits in what is and isn't appropriate. In some ways, we are actually closer. I have that natural separation from her now that my mood isn't so tied into hers. Yes, I don't like it when she is down or upset but, I am not quite as close and can step away. It's hard to have that perspective when you respond so instinctively to someone else. So... now I am unentwining my reactions and responses slowly and that changes me from being a pet to just being a friend. Maybe a better friend as I can be the kind of friend I want to be for people. Strong, caring, but able to be honest and say the hard things too. I like it. So, no longer intimate but closer friends.

Friends again, but still with a slowly changing sense of loss. After the initial "i've lost her", to the... making things work as friends, and now to trying to get my head around the loss of Ownership and what that means to me. At first it didn't bother me, I mean... compared to losing her it was nothing. Now though... it was a deep part of me so of course its going to take time.
The conversation with my friend reminded me of that, that deep bond between an Owner and their property. How special it was. I am glad. I am glad to be reminded of all those things so that I don't forget. I celebrate them even in with that wistful pang of hurt. The bitter sweetness. It hurts because it was so special. It hurts because it meant so much. Things will keep doing that and I will smile a soft smile, a little tear in the corner of my eye, and will let ago a little more. Thats how you move on.

A conversation this morning with her did pretty much the same, in a different way, a different part of our relationship. Her reminiscing her childhood just reminded me some of the reasons why I fell in love with her. The kind of woman she is and how lucky I was to get close to her.
After leaving my my wife I was sure no one could take her place. There would be no one else. That no one would ever fill the hole she left. No one could ever want me. I said never again to falling in love.

When I faced adjusting and letting go of how I felt about my Scottish friend, I was sure the hole that left could never be filled. No one could ever be quite so wonderful as her. No one could get to me so deeply and make me smile just with a laugh or a hi. Could just make me feel the world was a wonderful place just by the sound of their voice. I said never again. I had been blessed with a one off. A one chance to know you could love someone and it be good and not abusive, and they might actually appreciate you loving them. But I would never fall in love again.
Now. Letting go of SR, I say yes. I say again. So I look forward to falling hopelessly and totally in love again and the bliss and pain of it. I expect it to come again.

I always looked at the hole people left in my life after they were gone and dwelt on that and the fact no one else could take that place. Always loss. Maybe I've grown up a bit. There is an SR shaped-hole in my life, but that's a hole thats filled by her and no one else could ever fill. Its her hole and will always have her in it, even if how she fits has changed. I don't want to look for anyone to replace her. I have other holes in my life, other places people can fit. I look forward to discovering those holes and discovering the people that will be in them.

Reminders

Being here at my ex's and watching her as she's got ready has been another eye opener and a reminder of why we are on the path we are on. She get's so stressed and narky over little things. Over the state of the house after the kids played (It took me five minutes to clear up!), over chasing after this and that and wanting things done NOW and leaping from one thing to another as she get's uptight. Sometimes I forget just quite what she was like to live with. I am grateful, once more, for the second chance I got.

Kids playing

Today has been a lovely day. My ex and boy are going out to a family birthday party so I can't have him tonight. Instead I came to her house and was with him here while she was out and will stay here overnight. I could have taken him out but he was having so much fun with his best friend Chloe outside that we stayed here (wish I had bought a book!!). So we had a delightful afternoon and I got him to ask if she wanted to come in and play on the computer. They played neopets for a bit. Played games in the house. Chloe's mum bought them both MacDonalds for lunch and they sat and ate lovely. Sat drawing and making Tardises and monsters from Doctor Who (lol, a match made in heaven those two!). Sat and had a snack, then dinner round Chloe's Nan's house. Two noisy lovely happy children.

It's been such a tonic to listen to them play. I knew it would come when he would want to both come and see me but also want to spend time with his friends at the weekend. I am glad he got chance to play all day with his friend. I really love my time with him but I am NOT going to get in the way and we will keep reaching the compromises that work. Looking at my early blogs, I was so wrapped up in life being about the boy and work and that was it. I was really worried about what would happen when he didn't want to come see me every week. Now, now we may be approaching those times I am just smiling, glad to see them, glad to share them, glad we'll enjoy them together... the times we are together, the times we aren't. Now I'm going to look forward to the things I can do when he wants his space... the things I can do when I want mine... and the things we can do when we want each other.

How much difference a day makes...

Another day, and completely different.

I can feel the difference the sleep last night made. I got home today and went straight out into the garden, cleared the stuff that needed to be put out for recyling tomorrow. Cut back the vines. Cut back the hedges at the front. A very satisfying hour or so and still energy to sweep the floors inside and make a nice dinner. MMmmmmm.

So this evening has been a lot more productive. I really don't like it when I feel too tired to do anything, I like to keep myself busy and feel I've done something! So. Much happier tonight .

How to totally wreck your sleep habits...

Is this what writer's block feels like?  I've got stuff I want to write about but it just kind of goes all ishy when I even think about writing it down.



I want to write about the anti-depressants, what has been going on in my head, work, things I've discovered about my family, the Amsterdam trip, friends, the future, the adjustment to things with my former Owner, my feelings, so many things but it just doesn't seem to come.  Hmmm this is odd for me, and I do want to write.  I enjoy it.  I'm not even really reading blogs at the moment except one or two of my closest friends.



So start somewhere, and see what comes out.  I'm getting really tired again and feeling pretty much worn out a lot of the time.  Add to that dizziness and light-headedness and I am about as much use as an ummm manager :).  I am going to talk to the Doc's about it again when I go back for my 6 week checkup.  It might be tiredness making me fuzzy, it might be hay-fever, it might be the meds.  lol, i could probably make a quicker list of what it might not be!!



Last night I got home from work about 6, had a bite of fruit, some cheese and by 7pm was shattered so went for a little nap.  I had intended to do some writing, catch up but... not to be.  The little nap ended up with me waking at midnight.  I guess I needed it more than I thought, and I then had my "waking hours" before getting back to sleep about 3.30am til just before 6am.  This is NOT something I intend to make a habit of, but it was nice to actually sleep when I was tired rather than when I was trying to make myself sleep in "proper hours".   I know this is twice in a week I've done it (I was in bed by 6.30pm last Friday!!!) ... but, apart from the weekends with the boy I guess I do have the luxury or being able to catch up with sleep like this, and its better than half killing myself with exhaustion.

Thunder

At the beginning of the week I booked my plane tickets for the trip in July!!!



I am *so* excited now.  I needed something to look forward to, but more than that, I just want to go and see my friends and to go to Thunder in the Mountains in Colorado (my first kink event) and have a blast.



With my new spirit of wanting to do things, I've stopped being a wuss and worrying about putting out my friends and am making the most of it and going for the whole two weeks.  I mean, I have to have the time off work so what the hell!! It doesn't make it any cheaper wasting time and dithering.



So, Sat 14th July... Off to Denver.  My ex-to-be has kindly said she would drop me off at the airport.     A week with my friend Jolie, then Thunder and staying with star and Ms Silvie (I SO cannot wait to see them!!!!) and probably meeting another old friend there too.



A day to catch my breath, then the Tues fly off to Ohio to spend some time with my favourite flufflover, Tracy... then sadly home.



I kind of pout that I can't spend longer in Ohio, but I am a practical soul, this is the way it had to be organised, Denver first.. some time to adjust to what happens at Thunder and not just leave straight off, then Ohio.  I think I've grown up a lot recently and am not going to pout about these things but be grateful of the opportunity to do this, and know it just opens up more doors for the future.

Blue and yellow

A very special friend gave me a very special gift yesterday. One of those amazing things where you just go, wow. Someone, someone is there in a very unique way.

What touched me wasn't just that she sent flowers to me, to try and cheer me up while I was sad last week with the breakup from my Owner. It was that she had something she wanted to tell me, something she wanted me to know.... and she chose the right flowers to say that message.

She put so much thought into it, and reached out and touched me with it.

Blue and yellow flowers. Because I was blue last wek and because she wished me sunshine ahead.

Beautiful flowers from a truly beautiful heart.

In one of those twists of fate, she had ordered them to be delivered last week, but the flower company screwed up and delivered them today. Perfect.. as I probably wouldnt have been here last week.

Just perfect

Paws

After the dust settled of losing my owner (but finding I had regained a very special friend), I started to think about the things which I hadn't thought of. The things now that were just mine.

One of the hardest (but most needed) things was to remove the tag from my collar. Suddenly I was collarless, both in a D/s sense but also... well, I'm a puppy!! How can a puppy not have a collar? One thing I became quickly sure of was I am a puppy. I'm still a puppy. I had some moments when I wondered what I was, and what had been her wishes for me. A friend kept calling me pup still... and it just clicked inside whenever she did.

So I knew.

I knew it was me.

So what to do about my collar. I needed to make it mine again. A puppy can't be without a name. They don't necessarily need an Owner but they need a name. So what was my name? Well. Of course, I still had a name. Kitty. It's what she named me, as I purr, but she named me it as its me. The puppy called kitty who purrs. It's still my name *smile* I still wanted that name, for me. I asked her if she was ok with that (as a... I care for not hurting my friends, not an I need permission) and she beamed.

OK so the feminine duality of it isn't lost on me either :P

So the collar? Well I had a name. I needed a name tag. So I've ordered one.

I don't want an Owner at the moment. I may never want an Owner again. My needs maybe very different now. I may want a partner instead... with whatever different dynamic that brings. The time for being owned maybe passed, or it may come again. I don't know and I am not second guessing the future. I just know I don't need to be Owned to be me, so am content at the moment.

So I've ordered a name tag with "kitty" on one side, and a paw print on the other. It feels kinda perfect.

A puppy name tag. Not a property tag.

My name. My collar.

So many thoughts

So many things I want to write about, so little time. Maybe thats a pattern here, when life starts to feel good and more full, there is less time to write about it. I've also been doing a lot of thinking (scary I know) and rebalancing and reevaluating things in my life. Maybe I need time to get it clear before I write it down.

So, some short, sweet little things. Before I forget, just little ones before I move onto the big one and clear my thoughts.

Corsets

So.

After a relaxing easter down at my parents I am back home, and missing my boy. So what do I do? I dress up and try the corset I hadn't tried of course!!!

Ignore the stockings, they were just ummm something I was trying on. No bum view as I am still waiting for the proper matching thong .


I think she would have loved it, and I am pretty proud of it.

Friendships

Last week felt like a desperate loss.  I'd lost an owner, and a friend in one go and didn't know how to do anything but cry my eyes out at the hole that was left.   Crying is good, crying heals and washes away pain, but when your heart is broken its kind of hard to see there might be anything else.



Thursday I did something I've never done, I pulled a sickie.  I slept badly and couldn't really face work, so I called in sick and moped around the house.  Cried lots.  It's so hard to describe when someone has been such a part of your life and then is just suddenly gone.  I've never lost anyone close to me where they were just gone.  The closest was when I left my wife, but she was still there in a way even if we weren't talking.  



It was just that she was GONE.  My friend and confidente of two years who had always been so funny, so wise, so determined, so strong, such an inspiration to me.  Someone I had grown to love.  She is just an exemplary woman, one with rare common sense, both not suffering fools but also compassionate and caring.  I love her. It's as simple as that.



I knew it was necessary and I knew it was right, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell.



I'm glad I took Thursday off. In the morning, I mentioned to a friend of mine that maybe they should call her sooner rather than later (We had talked when would be a good time for her to see how things were)... her response "I'm talking to her now on IM honey".   This just killed me.  The fact that she was there, but I couldn't talk to her.  I am so grateful my friend was honest, didn't hide or mask the fact.  She was just direct and honest and its what I appreciate about her.  It's why I can trust what she says.  I didn't know what the situation was, whether she would be allowed to talk to me or not... or whether it would just be like this, that she could talk to others but not us.  That was a horrible thought.  I just kind of moped around the day, trying to get a few little things done before going away for easter break.  Late afternoon... she popped up on my screen with a hi.  I could have cried.  Well I probably did.



We chatted, about nothing.  I rambled at her.  It was just good to see her, to know that we can still chat and be friends.  OK, just friends, but to be honest that was what was most important to me, that I could still have her in my life in some way.  Yes, it's going to be different, and there is a lot to let go of... but still friends.  I know I am going to have to learn how to be just a friend again, and it's not going to be easy... but it was such a relief.



Whereas it had been a total sense of loss, now it was a bittersweet ache.  I had my friend back, and that was worth all the things I had lost.  I still love her.  I just can't say it or show it.  I can't give her the affection I feel, I can't show her what she means to me.  I have my friend though, and we will adjust.  I know it must be as hard on her.   So many things that have to be left unsaid.  It's hard, being casual.  Being just friends.  Going from such intimacy to that, almost overnight.  We will do it though.  Today I said to her, I will say this just once, then never mention it again.  I need you and always will.



I wanted to say it before locking those words away in a box somewhere.  Just so she knew.  However our relationship changes, I will always need her as my friend.  Always want her.





This all sounds pretty selfish, but this is to help me adjust to these changes.  I know she is going through all this, plus so much more, and my heart does go out to her.  I am just stupidly grateful though I can still make her smile, still make her days a little brighter maybe, even if its just as a friend.  I have my friend, and now I have to work at letting go the rest.  It's not easy.  I see her and frankly, I still lust after her.  Six months of being trained to respond to just he sight of her name is hard to shrug off overnight.  Six months of loving her and making her laugh and sharing such deep thoughts.  Sharing everything, giving everything I had.  It's also hard losing all those routines, those rituals that brought me closer to her, all those things I did for her.  All just stopped, just like that.  Now I have to learn what I want for me.  



This is for the best though, that I am sure. Change always hurts but always gives us new opportunities, if we let it. I am sure its going to be for the best for her marriage, that this will bring them closer together, or at least make the issues be addressed and not hidden away.  This will be the best for me, eventually, force me to look for what I want for me, in time.  Force me to push forward.   It has already shown me how I have some amazing friends who really care for me.   It's shown me how there must be a reason for it, even though I hate it now and can't see what it may be... The timing is just so, spot on.  The day my landlady went back and I am alone again.  Exactly when my anti-depressants would start kicking in, and so would help soften the blow a little.  They have, I am sure.  I am sad yes, and I feel lost.  I feel directionless.  I was desperately heartbroken too, now I feel... uneasy, feel the loss, feel alone.  I don't feel hopeless and depressed though.  I hope that keeps on as the days go by.



It must be for a reason.  We will make it work as friends and still support and care for each other, but in the ways we can now.  I am not going to stop loving her, but I will learn to do it in the ways that are appropriate now.



I have the knowledge though that a woman I think the world of considered me her treasure.  Considered me her puppy.  Considered me worthy of being owned.  That is something no one can ever take away from me, and I have to hold my head up with pride and look at the great future she has opened up for me.  A future I am still lucky enough to share with her in some small way.

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Panties

I guess the only other thing to note is this is costing me a fortune in underwear, comfort buying I guess!  I bought some nice panties in Amsterdam, and another nice pair in the supermarket yesterday and I think I maybe wearing them every day from now on.  Its some small comfort in spoiling me in this time when everything else feels so sad.

Sleepless nights

This is so weird.   I keep turning round thinking something is missing, something is wrong and not knowing what it is.   Then I remember that she's gone and that that's what is missing.



I guess the realities of her being gone are settling in.  It's felt like a bad dream, and I keep randomly crying.   I guess the upside of that is just how much she means to me.  I miss my friend.  I wish she hadn't had to leave completely, could have just not had pets.  I do however understand how it had to be all or nothing.   If you have to make it work, you have to give it your all and not take half measures, I've been there.  She must be hurting pretty badly and she hasn't got all the support of our mutual friends, so my heart keeps going out to her.



In other news today I went back to the Doctors for my checkup and they are pleased I got past the side-effects without giving up, as they were pretty extreme.  Have to go back in 3 weeks again to see if they have had a positive effect.  I told her about my brother and sisters anxiety problems and she was hopeful there might be a chemical basis for it in our family, so the anti-depressants would have a good chance of helping.   She asked if i wanted to pursue the other avenues, counselling or group therapy.  I said for now I just want to concentrate on seeing where I am when this settles properly.  



My corset is beautiful though I havent tried it on yet.  They sent the wrong eyelet leather panties - panties and not a thong, but they were so good about it.  They've told me to keep the ones they made as they are bespoke for my size, so they will make a new thong too.  Such great people.



Thats about it except I can't sleep, even with a Nytol.  I just feel groggy instead.  Going back to bed.  My parents came back from Arizona yesterday, so going to them with the boy over easter break. 

Hard goodbyes

Well, this isn't quite the blog I expected to write when I got back from Amsterdam.



I haven't written for a week.  My landlady came home from the Philippines and she wasn't at all well, so the week kind of disappeared with spending time with her and trying to make her feel better.  We made it to Amsterdam Saturday.  She flew back to the Philippines from there, I flew back to the UK. 



Unfortunately, when I was getting the coach back to Reading from the airport, I checked my email and found some very bad news.  The Lady who was my Owner has had some difficulties at home and her husband has withdrawn his consent for her having pets online.  She has done the only thing she could, withdrawn from online life in order to work at her marriage and her family and to do what she needs to do to make it work.



I am so proud of her for doing this.  We talked a long time ago, before I was hers about online life, hiding things from partners, what the lies do to you... and I knew she did what she did with her husbands consent.  I told her then if she ever had to leave in order to save her family, she should just do it and not look back.   She reminded me of those words in the email she sent, and I am so proud of her for doing what she has to do.    I just hope it works out for her, I hope she can make it work, I hope she finds the sort of life she wants and that her family are happy.   I understand her reasons totally, and respect her more than ever.  This is the measure of the woman, that she could do the hard things that needed doing, despite it not being easy.  This is why I love her.



As for me?  I hurt.  I hurt more than I thought possible.  I cried all the way home on the coach.  I cried all last night, on the phone with a friend crying back.  I feel numb, I feel hurt, I feel overwhelmed, I feel unable to think, I feel like its a bad dream I can't wake up from.



I miss her.  I miss her so much.  Not just as my owner, but one of my dearest friends.  That's what is so hard, I've lost one of my best friends as she won't be around anymore.



I had to take the tag off my collar last night.  Put it away.



Just to show the timing, I collected my corset just after I read the email.  Its beautiful, she would have loved it.  I am just sorry she never saw it.



What will I do?  Carry on as she expected.  I can't run, I can't hide, doing anything like that would dishonour all she means to me, she saw a strength in me I never saw, can't see.  She told me she would run after me if I ever tried to run.  She can't do that now, but I will not let go of all the things she taught me and all the things she showed me, I know she still believes in me despite not being able to be there.



I am still going to Thunder in July, meeting my friends.  Still going to Ohio afterwards to meet up with Tracy.  I want to keep being the person that made her proud, no matter how much I may stumble at this time. 



ScarlettRose, my friend, I love you and I will keep loving you.  Be safe, be well and my prayers go with you to do what you must.