Conflict

That was the end of a day at work that I really want to put behind me. Work has been a bit stressful recently with a lot of things going on, so hard to keep on top of things but today was just yuk. It wasn't even that it was a particularly bad day at work, it was just the way it started. Something came up over coffee this morning that showed a member of our team was doing thing his way and not communicating them to us. We didn't have a problem with what he did, it was just how he did it. Or rather that it was done without discussion.

Well, he made a snappy comment about it to my team leader, that we had an issue with it... apparently this was a teasing comment back but ummm no, I know that tone of voice. That was pissed off. Well my team lead lost it at that point and some very nasty things were said. I think they then went off a little later to sort it out and kissed and made up but for me it felt very unresolved. It was that atmosphere in the air lingering. The tension. The very strained and deliberately light comments. The walking on eggshells. Ugh, I wasn't even directly involved, just on the edge of it.... party to the initial disagreement but not the argument. It was just being there. I really cannot handle aggression like that, or that eggshell feeling after. It reminds me so much of many times in my marriage and I still react the same way. Headache, knotted shoulders. Tension. Going cold. That was the worst thing today. Feeling the weight on my shoulders and that suddenly I was cold and dead inside, and yet still jumpy and jittery. Its the lingering feelings from the past that go with it. The little niggling things that say how useless I am, how stupid, how I can't do anything. Her voice from the past pointing out I was more than shy. That I didn't get on with people. That I wouldn't go out with her. That people thought I was odd. That I was just like my dad... that I didn't fit in. Her words digging digging digging at me... telling me all the things I couldn't do. That I wasn't. That I failed on.

So there. I am on the train on the way home and I wanted to write it down on paper (as it were) immediately and try and leave it here and not carry it so much into the evening ahead.