Party

I'm on a blogging rant, obviously. After a week of being so tired I've been curled in bed by 8pm latest today has been just what I needed. I was asleep by 7.30pm last night, then awake from midnight for an hour or two.... and then a nice lie in this morning. Spring cleaning today, not just tidying but turning the rooms upside down to see what I didn't need. The things I had tucked into corners or under the bed that really needed throwing out. That and stuffing vitamins down my throat to combat the cold that decided to start coming out today (hence the tiredness I think) and then a delicious nap from being genuinely worn out from being busy. Such a lovely feeling! Feeling tired because you've done something and not just from the fact you've made it home from work!

Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.

Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.

We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.

The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.

So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.

!

Talking of fond memories.... I caught the end of Airplane! on tv earlier today. God that movie is still so funny, it should have dated so badly but it hasn't. I will never forget the increasingly paranoid looks on Lloyd Bridges face!

Me? I will just settle for having a drink problem... and don't call me Shirely.

Fond memories

I was talking to a South African friend tonight about comics. It was one of those weird turns of conversations that start off and go on tangents. They had been interviewing Alan Moore on the BBC news website and it fascinated me when it said he still lived in a 3 bedroom terrace in Northampton just like the one he had grown up in. One of the greatest comic book writers in history and so grounded in his roots. Anyway, from that I was flicking and started looking at the costumes for the watchmen movie (purrr at one particular one) and then I whinged loads to him about how it could possibly completely destroy one of my favourite stories and one which (imo) resparked off the whole comic genre again... Anyway I am biased, I like it a lot. Oh yes, after oggling PVC leggins and suspenders we talked about Terry Pratchett (they were advertising the TV version of the Colour of Magic on TV). It really is a small world as despite being in different countries we had both met him at book signings (kinda nice that, like one touch removed via a common connection).

Anyway, I have very fond memories of a trip to the Forbidden Planet in London for a signing. We were early so we were wandering around downstairs, looking at books, when we saw this guy in a hat talking to one of the staff members. It was of course Terry Pratchett. No one else seemed to recognise him, he was just mooching around undisturbed and we couldn't help overhearing. He wasn't overly keen on doing the signing in the shop. Too small. Too crowded. No alcohol. He had seen a nice bar around the corner though... They did. They took over that bar for the afternoon. It was supposed to be an hours signing but he must have been there for 3hrs+ signing and making sure everyone got through. No just closing up shop when the time was up. Others may have had a celebrity fit and said that was it... but not he sat through and said hi to everyone that came by. Chatted. Was friendly. Didn't just mumble and sign, he said hi. He asked names. He wrote personalised dedications in every book. He even recognised us from another signing and which book it was. When you consider the thousands of people he must meet every year. Its such a delight someone that so truly loves their audience and celebrates with them... Truly truly one of the great eccentrics and gentlemen of our time.

Family teasing

I was a good boy on the way back last Sunday. I've driven past the motorway turnoff to my sisters on the way back from Wales countless times in the last 6 months but not popped into see her. My excuse is its normally it's either 6am in the morning or 9pm at night, so the kids might not appreciate me popping in for a cup of tea... Well they might, but their parents might not.

So I phoned before I left and arranged to pop in for half hour for a cup of tea. I made sure I got the kids all worked up before I left, just in time for my sister and her bf to try and watch the Grand Prix ;-). My sister of course spotted my half chipped off nail polish (I'd put it on for the party but hadn't any remove to take it off) and commented on it and pointed it out to her bf. I had to laugh, she asked if there was something I needed to tell her and that she was going to tell my mum. I just told her it was a fancy dress party and she was just jealous as she didn't get out enough and I was making up for lost time...

I know, shocking. I should have touched up my polish before I went home!

Yawn

I don't know why but this week I have been really exhausted after work and generally tired all the time. I've got in and by 7pm I've been wiped out and not wanted to do anything I'm hoping the long easter weekend will break me out of this weariness and apathy. Maybe its empty house syndrome again, now that I don't *have* to do anything after work. Dunno but its annoying.

Money money money

Swiftly (and I mean very swiftly!) moving on I'm pretty pleased with myself. I tend to avoid looking too closely at my finances. If no one is knocking on my door demanding things that's pretty good. I know I am not getting a payrise this year though so for once I did sit down and go through my bank statements and credit card statements to see what I could rationalise. By killing a magazine subscription here, an uneconomic life insurance policy there, a few other things and finally by not taking an upgrade on my cellphone but dropping it to a "SIM only" tarriff and lowering the minutes I've managed to scrape back about 65 pound a month. Pretty chuffed with that!

Ummm ooopsie

OK. I am not going to admit that after reinstalling my Vista laptop (btw I think it did pretty good, that installation of Vista lasted just over a year) I then decided to reinstall itunes and tomtom. I am then not going to admit I plugged my SatNav (tomtom) into my PC in order to do a firmware upgrade and get the latest maps. I am then not going to admit I sat there for twenty minutes fiddling with cables, rebooting and reading the online help to try and find out why it didn't recognise my tomtom but just hung. With those things not being admitted there is no way in hell I am going to admit that I finally realised I had the USB cable plugged into my desktop and not the laptop I was using.

Please please please please don't ask what I do for a living...

*goes off to hide*

Visitations

I was a bit nervous this time of my landlady coming back for her six monthly visit for medical checks. She brought her bf and her mum back for the trip. In a two bedroom bungalow thats suddenly a lot of people! I am really not that used to having people around in "my" space and I know I was more than a bit uptight about it the last week or so.

I did my normal rushing round trying to get the house tidy and the back garden presentable. I wasn't quite as manic as previous times. Quite as insistent on it being perfect. I got to the point where I thought this is my home, if not my house, and if it's tidy and clean and I am happy to live here then thats enough. I didn't move the boys toys, just stacked them neatly. I didn't re-arrange things from how was convenient for me. I didn't disrupt how I live in the house just for the week. That was a good thing I think and I relaxed a bit more when I had come to that decision mid-week last week.

Probably quite a big thing for me actually despite being such a small thought. Not doing things to please someone at the cost of myself. Something I still struggle with the balance of. The house was tidy though and midweek this week my landlady actually said to me thankyou for it being so tidy, she appreciated it. This was probably the first time I've heard her say thanks like that... and it was lovely. I know she thinks it, but it is rare for her to be so unguarded as to say something. The evenings have been different but nice. A little time chatting when I come in from work, having a coffee with her and sometimes her bf too. Retire to my room for an hour or two to unwind and get some space on my own, just sitting quietly. Then dinner with her bf as her and her mum probably ate earlier. Then some more time just chatting, doing things like trying to get her new phone sorted out til its coming upto my bedtime. Then off to bed to again to relax on my own, before sleep. Quite a good balance of sociableness but not giving up my own space. More balanced.

I thought this was going to be a really bad trip. So many people. I thought she would be irritable and picky because of having so many people underfoot. I knew she was dreading the trip. Instead, despite her saying she is hating it and its been her worst trip back.... She has seemed her happiest in a long long time. Huggy. Silly. Chatty. Flirty. I was trying to work out why. Maybe talking with me is something new and outside the people she see's day in day out. Maybe its because this time she is feeling well again whereas the last two she has been pretty poorly and stressed. Maybe its because with a full household she is tied down and can't do her normal rushing round and trying to be everywhere and do everything. She has had to sit and stop and thats made her less rushed and driven. I don't know, but I know I like this version of her and it's been a pleasure having her here. Now can I have my house back *grins and winks cheekily*.

Open networks

Taking the slow train home and writing the previous blog I idly brought up the wireless LAN browser to see what I saw as the train travelled across. I noticed two things -

First, there are an amazing amount of BT Home Hubs out there
Second, Belkin54g users seem the worst at setting any wireless security or changing the SSID

I must have seen at least 20 unsecure networks as I idly refreshed on the journey home. I wonder how many of those also had the default admin password for that router...

Please please please if you use a Wireless LAN - change the default admin password and turn on security to stop people hopping onto your network!

Bonus!

We got our bonus letters today, at last! This was for the year til end of 2007. I am sure some people will be disappointed but I am not grumbling. It was about half what it could have been, but it's a bonus!!! The re-org has been announced at work and will be in place by June and my thought had been if nothing is changing at work and the bonus comes and is ok then I might jump and just be away from work for a bit travelling. With the reorg announced and with the bonus being what it is, carry on working for now and see what happens from the re-org. It has the possibility of shaking things up quite a bit, or it has the possibility of making things a lot worse. We will see. It is change though and that's the thing that was needed most. Some change that may drive improvements. If nothing improves well... there will be time to still jump. I am not one to do these things in a fit of pissedoffness though. I said I would give it a chance if it had the capability for making things better, so they have a few months.

With that in mind it made the disposition of the bonus fairly easy. I rang up the ex and asked her about the holiday to Spain she is taking my boy to in October. I asked her how much his bit was and it comes to about 10% of what I'll be getting after tax, so I said I will pay for him to go. 10% was the kind of workable figure we work on for my child support for him. I know she would have been happy enough if I didn't give on any of it to her, for him, but to me it's kind of the principle of the thing. We agreed 10% of my income and if I start getting petty and feeling resentful of it it's going to screw me up inside. But, with the bonus, I want to make sure it goes to something he gets benefit from. Something he knows I've paid for for him so he gets to appreciate it. Last year I paid for the car insurance as most of her car use is taking him round places. This year its for his holiday. When we received the bonus letters it had a kind of "right feel" in my head. The rest, well. Two things. First, I will now send off for the divorce and pay the court fee's with that. Second, when we separated and bought my ex her house, the sale of the old house didn't cover the costs so half my savings went into it as well. At the time the boy's child maintenance account was being held in my savings (as it was offset against the mortgage, so it saved us a chunk on the repayments). I've never gotten round to repaying what we owed him into his account so the rest of the bonus will go into that. It doesn't quite cover it, but it's a fair chunk and I will feel better on it. Hey if I never really had it, then I won't miss it, so it seems the best time to do it!!

Meeting friends

This is rather pertinent to my current feelings, one of the many oddnesses of me.

Whilst in San Francisco I had the very great privilage of meeting a dear friend who I have spoken to online (albeit briefly) most days in the last two years. My landlady's best friend who became a very dear friend of mine. When I had confirmed my plans to take the boy to San Francisco we had excitedly agreed to meet up, somehow. It was far too close to not do otherwise even though she would be the one having to travel into town.

So, after much arranging (thank heavens for internet in hotels) there I was sat, sitting on a wall in Union Square waiting for her. The kids happily off with my parents to tour who knew where whilst I had my grown up day. I had taken the cable car up from where we were staying in Fishermans Wharf. Predictably I was very early as (despite the amount of times I end up late :P) I always try and give myself extra time when it's somewhere I don't know. So that gave me extra time to get nervous. To worry. To get more nervous whilst I wandered around and then waited.

This is what struck me as ridiculous about the whole thing and how I was feeling. I have wandered around a dungeon in a leather thong and corset and tail in the USA. I wandered around the same hotel in tartan mini-skirt and stockings and heels. I was fine, very little nervous... and yet here, meeting a friend who I had spoken to online for two years, who I knew inside out, intimately. Who knew me the same and still liked me... Here, I was anxious and nervous to the point of feeling sick. Tummy totally churning, shoulder muscles screwed up. I guess in the end the reason I was so more nervous was because it mattered. I knew her and it mattered to me how we got on, how she reacted to me in person rather than from far away. In the convention I didn't care, I would never see them again. But her opinion mattered.

In the end though we had a lovely few hours and I was glad to have met and hugged a dear friend. Definitely a highlight of my trip and one I am very glad to have had chance to have.

Conflict

That was the end of a day at work that I really want to put behind me. Work has been a bit stressful recently with a lot of things going on, so hard to keep on top of things but today was just yuk. It wasn't even that it was a particularly bad day at work, it was just the way it started. Something came up over coffee this morning that showed a member of our team was doing thing his way and not communicating them to us. We didn't have a problem with what he did, it was just how he did it. Or rather that it was done without discussion.

Well, he made a snappy comment about it to my team leader, that we had an issue with it... apparently this was a teasing comment back but ummm no, I know that tone of voice. That was pissed off. Well my team lead lost it at that point and some very nasty things were said. I think they then went off a little later to sort it out and kissed and made up but for me it felt very unresolved. It was that atmosphere in the air lingering. The tension. The very strained and deliberately light comments. The walking on eggshells. Ugh, I wasn't even directly involved, just on the edge of it.... party to the initial disagreement but not the argument. It was just being there. I really cannot handle aggression like that, or that eggshell feeling after. It reminds me so much of many times in my marriage and I still react the same way. Headache, knotted shoulders. Tension. Going cold. That was the worst thing today. Feeling the weight on my shoulders and that suddenly I was cold and dead inside, and yet still jumpy and jittery. Its the lingering feelings from the past that go with it. The little niggling things that say how useless I am, how stupid, how I can't do anything. Her voice from the past pointing out I was more than shy. That I didn't get on with people. That I wouldn't go out with her. That people thought I was odd. That I was just like my dad... that I didn't fit in. Her words digging digging digging at me... telling me all the things I couldn't do. That I wasn't. That I failed on.

So there. I am on the train on the way home and I wanted to write it down on paper (as it were) immediately and try and leave it here and not carry it so much into the evening ahead.

Machines do not lie...

There is a very special museum in San Francisco, on Pier 45.  Tucked away.  A little glass door.  A sign above, but just one many things seeking attention on the tourist friendly waterfront.

We had had time to kill.  The first full day of my parents and niece having joined us on holiday in San Francisco.  We were slowly making our way from Aquatic Park to Pier 39.  Letting the kids look around, peek in places, shops, just getting acquainted with the area and each others.  Convenient for us as we were only two blocks away from the piers. Seeing things that attracted the kids interests and making a note for another time.

The kids started by playing on the beach, hysterically screaming with laughter as they ran down to the sea edge and then ran back giggling as the tide rushed up to meet their feet.  Daring each other to leave it to the last moment, seeing who would be last.... who might get wet.  Oh yes, get wet, so very very accidentally.  Honestly.   Accidentally.  

We stopped to sit in the sun and watch the cable car turnaround.  I've seen it before, so I just watched the kids faces.  So this was a San Franciscan cable car that they had heard so much about!

From there on to Hyde Pier, to admire the historic ships from the outside.  Cooing at the very reasonable prices that would await our return visit (I do like US historic parks, they are very.... accessible! We almost have a habit over here of making our history expensive to see and boring for children).   I loved the fully rigged ship.  The history of it made me smile. Built in Glasgow.  Sailed from Cardiff.  Journeyed to San Francisco.  Visited by and Englishman who has friends in all three places. It really is a small world now, isn't it?

A short walk then til we made it to Pier 45.  We were walking up to have a look at the WWII submarine berthed there so we scurried past the fresh sea food stalls holding our breath.  The boy had a major start when a crab snapped its claws up from the ice box it was in.... he didn't QUITE expect it to be that fresh.  He was very skittish walking past them from that point on.   As we got to the end of the stalls we saw the big open doors to the historic car show being held there that weekend.  It was hard to miss it as a few of them nearly ran us over. That wasn't what attracted our attention though, it was that little glass door below with a sign saying "Open" that caught our eye.  Not bold.  Not brash.  Just there.  Well ok, it was the sign above that said "free entry" that had something to do with it but shhhh I am being all travelogue here and pretending its culture that gets us going. 

Anyway, this was the Musee Mecanique.  A little hidden treasure.  A mostly private collection of restored coin-operated mechanical diversions and antique arcade games.  It was impossible not to smile and go "oh I remember", not matter what your age.  From peep showreels of "What the belly dancer did on her evening off", to mechanical gyrating dolls or scenes.  From "tell how sexy you are" machines to electro-shockers.  From pac-man to starwars arcade games.  Machines to draw your image... Penny stretches... bowling games... "Grab" games.  Racing games. Sport games. Shooting games.  Even coin operated telescopes.  If you have ever put money into a machine and turned the dial and hoped it would work... they had that machine there.   Playstation 3? Phooey.  The kids had so much fun in that museum with a handful of quarters that we went back another three times.  They loved it.

There was one machine though.. that I tried.  I normally wouldn't have, but I loved its style.  It was a fortune telling machine. Not one of the scary gypsies grinning down at you (they remind me too much of the film Big) but an old fashioned typewriter.  Just insert 50cents, press your hands to the wooden case and let it reveal all about you.  The typewriter typed away of it's own accord, one letter at a time, letting you read it as the words appeared, til it cut it off and the paper slipped out the chute into your hand.

So here it is.  I think it was a fix!  Everyone else in the family that tried it came out with a lovely reading!   Grudgingly I won't admit how scarily accurate it was for me in some ways though...

 

YOU ARE INCLINED, AT TIMES, TO BE AGGRESSIVE ALMOST TO THE POINT OF ANTAGONISM.  YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE MENTAL TYPE, AND IT SHOULD BE EASY FOR YOU TO OVERCOME THIS TENDANCY ONCE YOU ARE AWARE OF IT.  YOUR MIND MOVES RAPIDLY, AND YOUR WITTY SPEECH SOMETIMES TURNS CYNICAL.   REMEMBER YOUR FAULT, AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.