Kind of. Maybe I am stretching the point but it feels that way.
Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.
Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?
It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.
You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.
Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.
Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.
Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.
Then the emotional ones -
How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.
Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?
Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.
Not letting her ways get to you anymore.
I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.
The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.
One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.
Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.
My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.
Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.
Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.
Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.
Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.
Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.
Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.
Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.
Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.
Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.
When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.
I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.
You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.
This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.
I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.
So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?
Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).
Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.
Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.
Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.
Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?
It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.
You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.
Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.
Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.
Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.
Then the emotional ones -
How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.
Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?
Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.
Not letting her ways get to you anymore.
I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.
The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.
One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.
Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.
My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.
Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.
Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.
Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.
Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.
Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.
Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.
Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.
Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.
Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.
When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.
I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.
You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.
This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.
I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.
So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?
Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).
Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.
Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment