More signs of how I have changed. I know in the past when things went wrong I tended to hide from people as I couldn't face them. I got angry. I lashed out. I reacted. I avoided confrontation. I took the blame and tried to make it all alright.
This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.
I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.
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