Yes, I know I am always on holiday... but this time its a week away in the lake district with my boy. My scottish friend and her beagle were supposed to meet us there (hence the location) but the dog's not been well and she's been asked to start her next student nurse placement early and its where she eventually wants a job so couldn't really say no.
So, it's going to be a lovely quiet week just me and my boy and will probably do us the world of good.
Be back soon!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
It's that time f year...
The trains are full to standing in the morning of strange people with brand new rucksacks and tents slung over their backs, with even more cans of cheap lager hanging from their belts. You can't walk around in Reading without being surrounded by swarms of people going in the opposite direction. Herds of them. Swarming back and forth en-mass. There are posh accents everywhere... and its not safe to look at girls as if you think they are cute you can almost guarantee they are far far far younger than they look. It must be time for the Reading Festival again! All I can say is I am glad I won't be here when they try and go back all muddy... |
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Thunder (day one)
Our other friends were coming into Denver on the Friday. One by choice as she was driving, the other because she was at the mercy of American Airlines and her flights got screwed up. We picked up Ms Silvie from the airport and she was understandably tired from being stuck overnight in the middle of the country, so we went back to the house for her to shower and rest before we went to register for Thunder. starflower called from the hotel and we said we'd meet her later. I know this put her on a backfoot as she was waiting for us and we could not be definite about anything, but we were just playing it by ear by then as things hadnt turned out as plan. In a way it made it easier for me as I had started to get used to Ms Silvie being around one change in the group at a time. She is a lovely lady, as generous as her friend. I didn't know her as well so was a little nervous to begin with but I feel really lucky to know her now and glad to count her as my friend and not just as Jolie's friend. She bought me a pressie! (heh i am easy see, cheap too), a bunch of fridge magnets depicting a cartoon puppy humping various things. Humpy puppy suited me for some reason :P. It made me laugh so hard. It was very precious and is up on my fridge at home now.
We met with starflower on the staircase and that was another ingrained in my head awesome moment. She was just as I had imagined her and we just kept smiling at each other and holding hands and giggling. It was nuts, but so great. She is a good friend of mine despite ups and downs we have had and I love her dearly. Getting to meet her and give her a hug finished off the trip to Thunder and made it so worthwhile. Only starflower and I were staying at the hotel so we went off to checkin, bounced on the beds (well she did) and hugged lots and established the natural order of our submissiveness. She is a slave so naturally she put me in an arm lock to point out that puppys will puddle even to slaves, heh. I know I freaked her as just as we were getting into the lift I saw my other old friend and lept out with a strangled comment.
I've known pandora for a few years and she was kind enough to have put her room number like that... but I just saw her, stared sure it was her and caught sight of the name badge just as the doors were shutting. That was kind of a hard meeting. I could see in her eyes it was painful for her. She has had a thing for me for some time and while there is definitely... heat... between us, from my side she is just a friend (yes, I see the irony in this based on my previous post). So we say hi sometimes, because its about all we can do because otherwise words dry up and we just get both left feeling awkward. I had to say hi to her then though, as soon as I saw her.. otherwise I might have been too scared.
After that I was a bit shaken up and star and i got back to getting to know each other properly before we went out for dinner. That dinner was funny as hell, though intimidating. All three of those knew each other real life before so I was seeing how I fitted into the group. I deliberately went with star too and from the restaurant and that made it feel easier and less that I was putting them out. It was also so good to steal the time with her. Dinner was entertaining and I mostly listened as those three are just far too quick for me. I also know I went bright red or looked away everytime star looked at me out the corner of her eye. I am too easy sometimes! The two other ladies went back to the house to change and settle while star and I went back to the room to talk more and cuddle up. I don't really like talking about "experiences" except in generalities, I mean they are pretty private, intense, personal, intimate things. For me it's very much about the connection I am making with the person I am with rather than the act (something again I really discovered over the time out there). Yes, somethings are very nice and yummy feeling, somethings are wow sexual and hot, but compared to how it brings you close to someone? Doesn't come near it in the long run. Those are tools, channels, conduits to join two people together. For me anyway :). But, back to the story. It stands out as one of several intense, deep experiences that when I doubt "am I submissive?" I can go back to and think... god yes. Such a simple thing. She just touched me. My face. My neck. My hair. Just fingertouches. Nothing hard. A stroke on the back of my neck, a finger on my cheek. Moving my face. I was so lost in the touches, how it made me feel, how it made my mind go blank, how it made me want to please her... I would have found it hard to say "no" to anything she had asked while she was touching me like that. I would have tried to do it just so she didn't stop touching and so she was pleased. Such a very very simple thing. No toys. No sexual touching. Few words... But I was so lost. It was beautiful. I didn't want it to stop.
Stop it had to though as we had to shower and get dressed for the evening dungeon! So reluctantly we stopped, with deep sighs from me... and got ready. star helped me retie my corset as it was laced awkwardly and then tighten it a little, then Jolie and MsSilvie arrived and helped me tighten it to the "ooomph" stage. So, burgundy corset, burgandy laced thong and beautiful silver brown coyote tail. Oh and fishnets. Heh, don't forget the fishnets. The final piece was putting on my collar with Jolie's little gold tag on it. I felt so proud. Proud and humble. Do you know how humbling it is to know you represent someone else and what you do reflects on them? It felt like an awesome responsibility. One I was proud to have asked for and been allowed to have, but still... such a responsibility... and I felt so safe. Nothing bad could happen to me.
The Ladies were so kind as to warm my bum up and pink it a bit before we headed down to the dungeon. That was giggly yummy fun, then the moment of truth and my trip to my very first dungeon. Due to their rules leashes were not allowed in public spaces (though collars were.. and some ummm fairly interesting outfits... but not leashes), so it wasn't until we got to outside the dungeon could my leash be attached. When it clicked on, something little clicked in my brain... even more so than it had been. I just felt quite, calm, peaceful, content and responsive. Nothing really could bother me, nothing could halm me, I was safe and wanted and kept. All I had to do was follow her and nothing else mattered. We wandered into the dungeon and I let the sounds, sights, heat, cries, music, whimpers, and conversation wash over me. So much to take in. Lots of impact play. People naked or semi-naked attached to crosses and posts. Tables with people spread over them. A woman being fisted and screaming in agony and ecstacy. A detailed medical scene, leading to a catherisation... calm and collected amongst the more frenetic activity. The sting of a single tail whistling through the air. The thud, thud, thud of floggers. The cries of subs being pushed and loving it. The whispering of a woman to her lover as she ran a knife over her chest, twisting the point just enough to prick. The intricate setting up of a suspension scene. Two beautiful beautiful ladies walking en point while dressed in perfectly smooth latex, the agony they must have been in but the grace and composure. A fire-cupping scene. All so wonderful to watch. Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to fear. Nothing to hide from. It just felt very natural, very right, very perfect. I don't think anything really registered fully, it was just more tasting it. Jolie kept asking if there was anything I wanted to see particularly but it was all so new I couldn't pick out one thing. It was enough just to taste it all, to drink it in. We wandered around, the pair of us. I instinctively fell in step behind her. Just off her shoulder to one side, a pace behind. We didn't agree it. We didn't discuss it. It was just where I should be. Following around behind her as she moved around, side-stepping play spaces or other people walking. Keeping close, behind where i belonged. My hands pressed against the small of my back. Leash tugging when she wanted me to move. Mostly just the leash just hanging as I kept within her space. The corset forcing my breaths to be shallow and regular. The tail making me swish as I walked, with the fishnets almost making me prance. I belonged there and I had come home. It wasn't scary. It wasn't odd. It wasn't extreme. It may not have been my think being so much physical play and with me being so often more gentle, sensual things... but it was still home. Normal people enjoying themselves in ways that people label kinky.
I struggled a little when it came to us stopping and regrouping with the rest of our friends. Since we hadn't discussed it I didn't really know what was expected of me, so went for a chair but was then "encouraged" to the floor. Little things of learning what someone expects of you, but once you've learnt.... you just follow. So I sat at their feet, just watching a very intense scene before us while they chattered above my head. Watching, kneeled at their feet back arched and tall. Hands caressing my hair, stroking my neck. Purring silently inside as it was too much to take in to make noise. Then the blows... strikes from above against my chest and shoulders with the silk fan she had. The hard wood edges striking my chest. It may not have felt much to them hitting but to me... to me those hurt... those hurt and then hands and mouth kissing those spots, soothing it before starting again. I loved it. I loved it so much. I loved it hurt because what the hurt would bring... the caresses, the gentle words, the murmur of delight. The comments how I was stretching out my thong. That people were watching me or smiling as they went past. I never noticed if anyone was... I just watched the scene in front of me... when I wasn't arching my head back. It hurt... it felt good. That combination of sensations. Did I love the caresses and hate the blows? Did I love that one led to the other? Did I love that they loved doing this to me? Do I know? Do I care... Sensation.
After the dungeon we went back to the room and cuddled up, giggled lots. Giggled hysterically in fact while starflower gave MsSilvie a massage and then MsSilvie reciprocated with a flogging. While that went on we just giggled and whispered and whispered and giggled. It was.. to quote starflower's favourite word, awesome ;-).
Bloody cycl...
Fuck! I just almost got run over by a cyclist that didn't stop when the traffic lights at the pedestrian crossing turned red! Since when did NO traffic rules apply to cyclists???
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Love
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to be in-love with someone that "just" loves you back.
"Just"
"Just"
"Just"
thats such a bad way of thnking about it. They don't "just" love you. It's not a diminutive thing. They love you with the full force that their heart, mind, soul and body can love you. It's a beautiful thing. They give you what they have to give you, just as you try to give them. It's not easy... but accepting what others have to give rather than concentrating on what they can't is so much more rewarding. It's not personal against you. We don't chose how our feelings develop, but we can take responsibility for them.
I do worry, I worry a lot. I know when I fall I fall deeply, completely, so I don't want to appear obsessive, opressive, needy, pushing someone. I am a realist, I know situations and despite annoying emotional ups and downs I do want to get the best out of situations, I do want to enjoy someone as they are, as my friend and enjoy the love they have for me, and not let other things spoil it.
I want also for them to enjoy the fact that someone can love them that way, for it to encourage them, make them feel good about themselves and the possibilities for their future. I never want it to be a burden on them. For them to have to make allowances or "handle" me.
Of course sometimes it just freaking drives my head nuts, but being honest but time makes everything easier and I know as things dredge up buried feelings, they can and will settling in their rightful place again... and I have done this before and can do it again, and its worth it. In time, slowly feelings change and soften and one day you wonder why ever you had that problem. You still have your friend though.
Of course if I stop forgetting my pill and taking it at the wrong time, that'd help too...
"Just"
"Just"
"Just"
thats such a bad way of thnking about it. They don't "just" love you. It's not a diminutive thing. They love you with the full force that their heart, mind, soul and body can love you. It's a beautiful thing. They give you what they have to give you, just as you try to give them. It's not easy... but accepting what others have to give rather than concentrating on what they can't is so much more rewarding. It's not personal against you. We don't chose how our feelings develop, but we can take responsibility for them.
I do worry, I worry a lot. I know when I fall I fall deeply, completely, so I don't want to appear obsessive, opressive, needy, pushing someone. I am a realist, I know situations and despite annoying emotional ups and downs I do want to get the best out of situations, I do want to enjoy someone as they are, as my friend and enjoy the love they have for me, and not let other things spoil it.
I want also for them to enjoy the fact that someone can love them that way, for it to encourage them, make them feel good about themselves and the possibilities for their future. I never want it to be a burden on them. For them to have to make allowances or "handle" me.
Of course sometimes it just freaking drives my head nuts, but being honest but time makes everything easier and I know as things dredge up buried feelings, they can and will settling in their rightful place again... and I have done this before and can do it again, and its worth it. In time, slowly feelings change and soften and one day you wonder why ever you had that problem. You still have your friend though.
Of course if I stop forgetting my pill and taking it at the wrong time, that'd help too...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A pressie
A lovely lady i met at Thunder was soooooooo kind she has sent me a book to open my eyes a bit to BDSM. Its the first kink book i've read, so its started to be an interesting read. It's called "The New Bottoming Book". I'm very touched by the thought, and I will pick out snippets as I read it and post them.
Closure
There is another significance to the fact its been two years... Two years separation in the UK means you can file for a no-fault divorce on those grounds. Thats what we had agreed to do, to give time for the emotions to settle so it became as much of a practical thing as possible. We sold the house ages ago, bought a new one just for her. She changed her name about 3 months ago to get her maiden name back. So this is just a formality. It's closure. Yes, I am sure it's going to have an effect on us, but nothing like it would have back then.
Closure. I like that word.
Closure. I like that word.
Pillock
I am such a pillock!
I was talking to mum on the phone, telling her and the boy about the conference and she pointed out thats the week when my landlady is here. Grrrrr. SO i am going to miss some of the time with her. Still, it will give her time to do some stuff and now that I've been reminded of this we can plan around it!
DAMN my memory is bad!
I was talking to mum on the phone, telling her and the boy about the conference and she pointed out thats the week when my landlady is here. Grrrrr. SO i am going to miss some of the time with her. Still, it will give her time to do some stuff and now that I've been reminded of this we can plan around it!
DAMN my memory is bad!
Syncronicity-ish
Kind of. Maybe I am stretching the point but it feels that way.
Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.
Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?
It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.
You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.
Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.
Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.
Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.
Then the emotional ones -
How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.
Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?
Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.
Not letting her ways get to you anymore.
I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.
The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.
One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.
Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.
My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.
Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.
Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.
Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.
Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.
Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.
Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.
Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.
Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.
Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.
When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.
I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.
You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.
This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.
I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.
So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?
Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).
Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.
Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.
Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.
Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?
It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.
You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.
Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.
Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.
Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.
Then the emotional ones -
How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.
Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?
Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.
Not letting her ways get to you anymore.
I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.
The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.
One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.
Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.
My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.
Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.
Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.
Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.
Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.
Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.
Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.
Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.
Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.
Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.
When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.
I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.
You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.
This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.
I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.
So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?
Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).
Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.
Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.
Red tape
Got to love working for a big company!
Six months ago if there was a vendor conference then it'd be fine, the vendor would probably arrange and pay for it.
Then we stopped being able to have hospitality so our company had to pay for things, so this made it harder as the approvals were tricky, but it was ok as the admins still booked all the travel and they were good at it.
We are now in the big company world though, so no longer can you have an admin doing admin work... we are all empowered to book our own travel through the corporate travel company online and everything is SO much easier.
Ummm this will be why we had two senior engineers today spending two hours each fighting it to find a flight to Berlin for a SUN conference.
Still, it did pass the time, and I AM going to Berlin for the two day conference in September. Now what's the chances the hotel won't be expecting us when we get there....
Six months ago if there was a vendor conference then it'd be fine, the vendor would probably arrange and pay for it.
Then we stopped being able to have hospitality so our company had to pay for things, so this made it harder as the approvals were tricky, but it was ok as the admins still booked all the travel and they were good at it.
We are now in the big company world though, so no longer can you have an admin doing admin work... we are all empowered to book our own travel through the corporate travel company online and everything is SO much easier.
Ummm this will be why we had two senior engineers today spending two hours each fighting it to find a flight to Berlin for a SUN conference.
Still, it did pass the time, and I AM going to Berlin for the two day conference in September. Now what's the chances the hotel won't be expecting us when we get there....
Busy weekends
I had a lovely weekend and ended up so tired after it.
Met mum and the boy at the train station on Friday night and took them home. Heh, yes I had hidden everything and I even remembered Mum's birthday so I had flowers when I met them. I finished the laundry, made dinner and we ate while the boy demonstrated his new game... he decided he was a bingo caller and so we all had to sit down and play bingo while he chose numbers from a list. I think I was conned as Mum won both nights, so I am sure there is some favouritism going on here.
The boy also discovered the puppy soft toy I was given in the USA, with its beautiful bondage play collar. He was very taken with the puppy and spent all weekend cuddling it, I had to drag it off him when he finally left... Both Mum and he DID comment on the collar asking if it was real. I of course was honest and said yes. I just didn't enlighten them as to it being a real what.
I still think it looks cuter on me than on the soft toy *pouts* upstaged by a white fur-ball.
Saturday morning we went to the movies. Our local cinema does a "kids club" movie for a pound each thats a family movie from a couple of months back. There were a fair bunch of kids there but they were all pretty well behaved, I was impressed. It was "Meet the Robinsons" and I was pleasantly surprised, we enjoyed ourselves. Straight from their to Beale Park, a local country park with animals and lakes. We had a good time there and it was a lovely sunny day, so a picnic by the lake and wander round looking at the animals til Mum's hip started to play up.
Then home, and as it was still sunny we had time to clear up the garden a little as it was due to rain. I cut the grass and the bushes and Mum helped tidy up. I didn't ask her to, I told her not to, but you try stopping a mum when she gets an idea in her head! Rather you than me!
Early night as we were all pleasantly exhausted, and then drive them both down to Bournemouth as the boy is staying with Mum and Dad for a few days. Its the longest drive i've had in my new car and I came away a bit achey but I am glad I gave it a good run and it was good to see Dad again.
Experimented on the way home, doing all the good driving habits, keeping a constant speed, etc, and managed to get it to 59.1 miles to the gallon which impressed me no end, even if it was really boring driving like that ;-).
Then a nice tired evening, chatting with a friend on the phone, clearing up some things from my trip over to the USA (I will write about that, heh, just other things have been more of a focus since I came back).
A pretty damned good weekend, and one I needed. I am so looking forward to having my boy for the whole week soon.
Met mum and the boy at the train station on Friday night and took them home. Heh, yes I had hidden everything and I even remembered Mum's birthday so I had flowers when I met them. I finished the laundry, made dinner and we ate while the boy demonstrated his new game... he decided he was a bingo caller and so we all had to sit down and play bingo while he chose numbers from a list. I think I was conned as Mum won both nights, so I am sure there is some favouritism going on here.
The boy also discovered the puppy soft toy I was given in the USA, with its beautiful bondage play collar. He was very taken with the puppy and spent all weekend cuddling it, I had to drag it off him when he finally left... Both Mum and he DID comment on the collar asking if it was real. I of course was honest and said yes. I just didn't enlighten them as to it being a real what.
I still think it looks cuter on me than on the soft toy *pouts* upstaged by a white fur-ball.
Saturday morning we went to the movies. Our local cinema does a "kids club" movie for a pound each thats a family movie from a couple of months back. There were a fair bunch of kids there but they were all pretty well behaved, I was impressed. It was "Meet the Robinsons" and I was pleasantly surprised, we enjoyed ourselves. Straight from their to Beale Park, a local country park with animals and lakes. We had a good time there and it was a lovely sunny day, so a picnic by the lake and wander round looking at the animals til Mum's hip started to play up.
Then home, and as it was still sunny we had time to clear up the garden a little as it was due to rain. I cut the grass and the bushes and Mum helped tidy up. I didn't ask her to, I told her not to, but you try stopping a mum when she gets an idea in her head! Rather you than me!
Early night as we were all pleasantly exhausted, and then drive them both down to Bournemouth as the boy is staying with Mum and Dad for a few days. Its the longest drive i've had in my new car and I came away a bit achey but I am glad I gave it a good run and it was good to see Dad again.
Experimented on the way home, doing all the good driving habits, keeping a constant speed, etc, and managed to get it to 59.1 miles to the gallon which impressed me no end, even if it was really boring driving like that ;-).
Then a nice tired evening, chatting with a friend on the phone, clearing up some things from my trip over to the USA (I will write about that, heh, just other things have been more of a focus since I came back).
A pretty damned good weekend, and one I needed. I am so looking forward to having my boy for the whole week soon.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Pretty pills
I love my little white pills. I really do.
For once I am not being sarcastic. They have helped me so much with keeping perspective. Restoring balance. Stopping me over-reacting or getting anxious about things. Not making one situation get swamped by all the others, so they remain discrete.
It really does make a difference.
Monday morning I was kind of stressed, well ok I had a lot on my mind and was trying to re-evaluate how things had changed in a relationship based on revelations. I knew we'd get through it and things would be fine, but I needed to go through all the emotions.
Monday morning I could see it was getting to me when I rechecked I had locked the car 5 times. Got to love OCD behaviour. Love the little ways the brain hits you with a club and says oi, boy, I am kinda dealing with as much as I can now, give me a break.
So I listened. In fairness its about the first time I've done that since the meds kicked in, to that extent anyway. So it was a warning and I took it. I gave myself some slack in the day, planned a quite evening of "wallowing" if thats what I needed. I bought some ice cream on the way home (not Ben and Jerrys as I decided I was going to wallow, not bankrupt myself!) and decided on the traditional evening of a tub of ice cream, some wine and bad tv.
Yes, I know I am a girl. Or so several people told me :P So sue me. You are just jealous as I look better in fishnets than you do!
Heh ok so that WAS my intention but I ended up drinking only 3cm of the wine and not starting the ice cream til 11pm. The rest of the time involved being pretty happy as a friend said she was going to go get help for something bothering her and talking with a relatively new friend on the phone for the first time, which was a delight.
BUT, I did give myself space to get through some feelings, which made me a happier bunny.
Thats the difference. I was anxious, had some symptoms but the meds gave me space to deal with it and not let it escalate. So cool.
This put me in a much better place when my friend really needed me the next day.
If you do suffer anxiety that stops you doing things, that seriously impacts your life, that leads to depression, going in circles, paralysing you... PLEASE consider getting help from your doctor. It doesnt have to be like that.
For once I am not being sarcastic. They have helped me so much with keeping perspective. Restoring balance. Stopping me over-reacting or getting anxious about things. Not making one situation get swamped by all the others, so they remain discrete.
It really does make a difference.
Monday morning I was kind of stressed, well ok I had a lot on my mind and was trying to re-evaluate how things had changed in a relationship based on revelations. I knew we'd get through it and things would be fine, but I needed to go through all the emotions.
Monday morning I could see it was getting to me when I rechecked I had locked the car 5 times. Got to love OCD behaviour. Love the little ways the brain hits you with a club and says oi, boy, I am kinda dealing with as much as I can now, give me a break.
So I listened. In fairness its about the first time I've done that since the meds kicked in, to that extent anyway. So it was a warning and I took it. I gave myself some slack in the day, planned a quite evening of "wallowing" if thats what I needed. I bought some ice cream on the way home (not Ben and Jerrys as I decided I was going to wallow, not bankrupt myself!) and decided on the traditional evening of a tub of ice cream, some wine and bad tv.
Yes, I know I am a girl. Or so several people told me :P So sue me. You are just jealous as I look better in fishnets than you do!
Heh ok so that WAS my intention but I ended up drinking only 3cm of the wine and not starting the ice cream til 11pm. The rest of the time involved being pretty happy as a friend said she was going to go get help for something bothering her and talking with a relatively new friend on the phone for the first time, which was a delight.
BUT, I did give myself space to get through some feelings, which made me a happier bunny.
Thats the difference. I was anxious, had some symptoms but the meds gave me space to deal with it and not let it escalate. So cool.
This put me in a much better place when my friend really needed me the next day.
If you do suffer anxiety that stops you doing things, that seriously impacts your life, that leads to depression, going in circles, paralysing you... PLEASE consider getting help from your doctor. It doesnt have to be like that.
De-kinking
Mum was coming to visit tonight, so this morning I had to de-kink the house. You know its not the obvious things that catch you out.
Not the corset
Not the lube
Not the toys
Its the little things
The chemise slung over a chair
The high heels in the corner
The restraints attached to the puppy teddy bears collar, tying them behind his back
The photo album of half naked photos
The thongs in the washing machine
The dog bowl on the side
The leash tucked on the arm chair
This is hard work!
Not the corset
Not the lube
Not the toys
Its the little things
The chemise slung over a chair
The high heels in the corner
The restraints attached to the puppy teddy bears collar, tying them behind his back
The photo album of half naked photos
The thongs in the washing machine
The dog bowl on the side
The leash tucked on the arm chair
This is hard work!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
A me moment
I woke up this morning and someone wasn't there. Someone who I normally say "hi" to when I first get to a computer at work or at home.
It feels like a big hole at the moment and she is very much missed. She is going through a lot of changes in her life at the moment and I am glad she is in a place where she will be with family rather than online, but selfishly I feel a big gap where I am used to her being.
I miss her already.
I am glad I miss her. I am glad I can feel what she means to me. Everytime I half turn round thinking "oh I should tell that to..." and find she isn't there I will think of her and send her warm thoughts and prayers.
That was my selfish "me" moment, he says with a wry smile, so I can get back to wishing my friend well in her situation and sticking behind her in anyway possible.
It feels like a big hole at the moment and she is very much missed. She is going through a lot of changes in her life at the moment and I am glad she is in a place where she will be with family rather than online, but selfishly I feel a big gap where I am used to her being.
I miss her already.
I am glad I miss her. I am glad I can feel what she means to me. Everytime I half turn round thinking "oh I should tell that to..." and find she isn't there I will think of her and send her warm thoughts and prayers.
That was my selfish "me" moment, he says with a wry smile, so I can get back to wishing my friend well in her situation and sticking behind her in anyway possible.
Monday, August 06, 2007
More rumblings
More signs of how I have changed. I know in the past when things went wrong I tended to hide from people as I couldn't face them. I got angry. I lashed out. I reacted. I avoided confrontation. I took the blame and tried to make it all alright.
This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.
I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.
This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.
I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.
Hard truths
This is not the blog I was intending to write next, but life has a habit of putting these little bumps in the road. I wasn't even sure if I was going to write about this, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I always said this was my blog, for me, and I would not self-censor, so I am not going to start now.
A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.
So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.
I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.
I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.
A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.
So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.
I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.
I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Chicago
No, not the place, the musical.
I'm going upto London to see it today with a couple of friends I met originally online. I love this musical, really can't wait to see it, should be a fun day. Yes, all of you that think I am a slut, its a completely vanilla one :P :P :P. It IS possible for me to go a day behaving you know.
I'm going upto London to see it today with a couple of friends I met originally online. I love this musical, really can't wait to see it, should be a fun day. Yes, all of you that think I am a slut, its a completely vanilla one :P :P :P. It IS possible for me to go a day behaving you know.
Broom Broom
I arrived back from Thunder on Saturday and then first thing Sunday had to go pick up my new car. I am really pleased with her and totally think I made the right choice. She is cute, little, feels big and spacious inside, the buttons and dials are all intuitive and large enough to find without looking. She steer's beautifully. Firm enough so that when you aren't steering she keeps course, responsive enough when you do that only a light touch is needed to guide her around corners. This makes her a delight around the country roads near here. She isn't especially quick but she has the power I need to bump around and feel safe pulling out and to overtake on the motorway. She feels solid but fun. She is the right car for me and so far the fuel consumption has been pretty good too. I took her over to see the boy and he was very excited and loved her too, so we went over to see my Mum and he could show her off and repeat all the things I'd told him about her! She isn't the only cute one.
Interesting comments
This week has been a week of interesting comments!
Let's start back at the beginning of the week. I had left something at my ex's so she kindly came into town with it with my boy and we had lunch. We were walking back from lunch to the train station so they could go home when the boy nearly ran into a girl who wasn't watching where she was going. I said to him after she went "at least she was pretty" and he replied straight away "she was tasty". I just giggled, it was so funny. My ex then turned round to me and said "he takes after you". I denied it of course, I mean please! Thats so not me. She just looked at me and said "i can still see the bruises down your neck, I noticed them yesterday". I went SO bright red and she carried on "and you've just gone very red...". I didn't know what to say so i just giggled and didn't try to argue with it. I mean I didn't want to get into how and why I might have got them over the last two weeks!!!!
My boy is now away with my ex for a few days holiday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me he had a new gf, and she was 8... his age, he had met her on holiday. I asked him his name and he shouted out to his mum in the background "whats her name mum?". He couldn't remember her name but he did know she was very pretty. I need to teach him a little more about these things I see...
I was walking into town for lunch with a few people and we saw a kid walking along with a strap attached to his arm so he didn't wander off. One of the guys (who knows I am kinky) turned to me and said "we should get one of those for you". One of the team leaders (and she DOESN'T know I am kinky) fires back at him "oh no, we should get a collar and leash instead". I tell you, I have no idea what signals I am sending off at work!!
Let's start back at the beginning of the week. I had left something at my ex's so she kindly came into town with it with my boy and we had lunch. We were walking back from lunch to the train station so they could go home when the boy nearly ran into a girl who wasn't watching where she was going. I said to him after she went "at least she was pretty" and he replied straight away "she was tasty". I just giggled, it was so funny. My ex then turned round to me and said "he takes after you". I denied it of course, I mean please! Thats so not me. She just looked at me and said "i can still see the bruises down your neck, I noticed them yesterday". I went SO bright red and she carried on "and you've just gone very red...". I didn't know what to say so i just giggled and didn't try to argue with it. I mean I didn't want to get into how and why I might have got them over the last two weeks!!!!
My boy is now away with my ex for a few days holiday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me he had a new gf, and she was 8... his age, he had met her on holiday. I asked him his name and he shouted out to his mum in the background "whats her name mum?". He couldn't remember her name but he did know she was very pretty. I need to teach him a little more about these things I see...
I was walking into town for lunch with a few people and we saw a kid walking along with a strap attached to his arm so he didn't wander off. One of the guys (who knows I am kinky) turned to me and said "we should get one of those for you". One of the team leaders (and she DOESN'T know I am kinky) fires back at him "oh no, we should get a collar and leash instead". I tell you, I have no idea what signals I am sending off at work!!
Back now, hide while I go blog crazy!
I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack yes I am here, despite not writing since I got back from Thunder. It's been a week recovering, readjusting, being tired from what feels like very very early mornings, catching up and generally not getting much work done.Last night I ended up staying late at the office, til gone 8. I kind of laughed after I realised I had done it. As I've commented before this is part of my normal cycles after I've had the boy or done things. I start off pretty hyper and high and positive, then get a bit down, then spend a night working late at work as I can't be bothered to go home as its empty, then I kind of settle back into the day to day again.So I've done the late night so am back to normal!
Well something approaching it anyway. This time though I didn't have the down between hyper and the late stay at work. Just got tired. I like that! Wheeee for pretty white little pills that stop me going nuts. Yaay pills.
Seriously though considering how intense a time I had, and that I went from two weeks of being surrounded by wonderful people to back into normality, I am REALLY chuffed with how it didnt feel a wrench. There is a huge difference in how I react now, and I like it.I saw one little change again mid-week, a simple thing but I am going to write about it just as I have everything else, who knows it may encourage others? I used to always see situations where I could lend a hand and then avoid them as I was worried what to say, didnt want to get involved or just to-and-fro'ed whether to and then didn't and felt bad over it. Stupid simple little things. On the same morning going to work I spoke to a woman that was dithering unsure about something at the train station, told her what train she needed... then I found a train pass someone had dropped and handed it in. Yes I know, they are things everyone would do everyday but previously i was SO paralysed by anxiety I couldn't have done it.
It's the little things that show you how much has changed.
Well something approaching it anyway. This time though I didn't have the down between hyper and the late stay at work. Just got tired. I like that! Wheeee for pretty white little pills that stop me going nuts. Yaay pills.
Seriously though considering how intense a time I had, and that I went from two weeks of being surrounded by wonderful people to back into normality, I am REALLY chuffed with how it didnt feel a wrench. There is a huge difference in how I react now, and I like it.I saw one little change again mid-week, a simple thing but I am going to write about it just as I have everything else, who knows it may encourage others? I used to always see situations where I could lend a hand and then avoid them as I was worried what to say, didnt want to get involved or just to-and-fro'ed whether to and then didn't and felt bad over it. Stupid simple little things. On the same morning going to work I spoke to a woman that was dithering unsure about something at the train station, told her what train she needed... then I found a train pass someone had dropped and handed it in. Yes I know, they are things everyone would do everyday but previously i was SO paralysed by anxiety I couldn't have done it.
It's the little things that show you how much has changed.
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