As I was in a good mood yesterday after a lovely bunch of texts from a friend and had picked up my car, and as I was in town, I decided to go to the cinema with my unlimited cinema ticket.
Went to see Oceans 13 which was a lot of fun (and had cute people in it ;-)) but also enjoyed the trailers. I really like the look of Transformers (god thats showing my age and geekiness)... and have to say, the trailers for the next Harry Potter look just *amazing*. I really cannot wait to see it! Come on come on come on.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Coffeeeeeee
We were in town getting a sandwich for lunch when I saw a sign for a Krispie Kreme doughnut place the other side of the Mall. I didn't know we had one in Reading so I perked up immediately and asked my team leader if he wanted a coffee and doughnut. He had never tried one so we went along. The girl that served us was soooooooooooooooooooooooo perky cute I was glad I was ordering and paying so I smiled at her lots (you know me and coffee girls, lol) and waited when she made the coffee's so she didn't have to bring them over. I probably went red when she said "welcome lovey" since I am like that around women and go all shy and stuff.
Butttttttttttt to prove I still have my touch around coffee people.... we were sitting drinking our coffee on a couch after eating our doughnuts when the male shop guy came over and gave us a free doughnut each. I have no idea why, maybe he was jealous of the attention I'd given her!
OK, yes, I am a tart :P
Butttttttttttt to prove I still have my touch around coffee people.... we were sitting drinking our coffee on a couch after eating our doughnuts when the male shop guy came over and gave us a free doughnut each. I have no idea why, maybe he was jealous of the attention I'd given her!
OK, yes, I am a tart :P
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Happy returns
Our other team leader returned yesterday after six months maternity leave. Soooooo good to have her back as she is a real laugh. Gave her a nice hug too, so can't be bad!
Big smiles
Yaaaay my car's only cost 60 pound. The brake discs are badly scored and would need replacing, but I can get away with it til I replace it.
Big happy smiles
Big happy smiles
Tempting fate
You know, never write about needing to replace something, it will hear and bite you in the ass!
After writing that gushing post about replacing my car, it's now in the garage having hits brakes fixed and I was hit with the car insurance renewal yesterday too! Ouch!!!
After writing that gushing post about replacing my car, it's now in the garage having hits brakes fixed and I was hit with the car insurance renewal yesterday too! Ouch!!!
Nerves
I'm starting to feel slightly flustered? anxious? out of my depth? or maybe just spread thin as suddenly lots seems to be happening in many directions.
I was laying in bed thinking last night about my previous post of the things I want to change and exploring it in my head, looking at the feelings that have started creeping in with people I am talking to and why I start to get twitchy and panicky. I know I'm rethinking my conversations more than I was, picking out all the light and inconsequential things and thinking how uninteresting they must seem to others. I've really got to get a handle on this and let things go.
Its silly... because things are actually picking up so much. I have the trip to the USA in three weeks to meet some wonderful people and experience some wonderful things. I have the concert Thurs and chance to meet up with a good friend again. We've organised to go see the musical Chicago with another sub friend in August. Talking about meeting up with another new good friend sometime when both our nerves and schedules allow, and I'd really love to get chance to say hi to her in the flesh. Someone else from IC that's said they would like to meet up and go walking with me in the area which would be good. Other new people slowly making impact in my life. So many things in so many directions all at once, its kind of overwhelming. I love it, but it makes me feel nervous and edgy. I don't want it to stop. I don't want any of these opportunities to back off, hell no... I want them to happen now... but it still makes me edgy. A weird craving and recoiling a the same time thing.
Only one way to deal with it... thats to push forward and make it work. Get past the nerves and make all these things just feel good and a normal part of my life.
I was laying in bed thinking last night about my previous post of the things I want to change and exploring it in my head, looking at the feelings that have started creeping in with people I am talking to and why I start to get twitchy and panicky. I know I'm rethinking my conversations more than I was, picking out all the light and inconsequential things and thinking how uninteresting they must seem to others. I've really got to get a handle on this and let things go.
Its silly... because things are actually picking up so much. I have the trip to the USA in three weeks to meet some wonderful people and experience some wonderful things. I have the concert Thurs and chance to meet up with a good friend again. We've organised to go see the musical Chicago with another sub friend in August. Talking about meeting up with another new good friend sometime when both our nerves and schedules allow, and I'd really love to get chance to say hi to her in the flesh. Someone else from IC that's said they would like to meet up and go walking with me in the area which would be good. Other new people slowly making impact in my life. So many things in so many directions all at once, its kind of overwhelming. I love it, but it makes me feel nervous and edgy. I don't want it to stop. I don't want any of these opportunities to back off, hell no... I want them to happen now... but it still makes me edgy. A weird craving and recoiling a the same time thing.
Only one way to deal with it... thats to push forward and make it work. Get past the nerves and make all these things just feel good and a normal part of my life.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Puddles
This came from a friend and SO made me laugh considering how much time I spend puddling...
------
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"Nope," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
------
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"Nope," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Challenges
Various conversations recently have made me think and watch my moods more and the things I tell myself that are harmful. I mean not like really bad things, but the little things we say to ourselves that undermine us. The little "I can't do that"'s. The things we repeat to ourself that other's have said unkindly. That sort of thing.
I thought of three that I know I do quite a bit which I've decided to work on and try and put behind me. To consciously stop myself when I do them and look for ways of showing myself they aren't true.
So... here they are, so I don't forget and can remind myself they aren't true.
1) That I am not submissive really. I am just an overly horny geek and just pretending. This is an old one and one I know at least one other friend suffers with. This stems from doubting myself, doubting my motives and reasons. Doubting what I have to give and that very bad thing "comparing myself to others". Everyone has different things to give and by thinking this I am undervaluing myself which is damaging, its always making me feel inferior or wrong. This goes back to very long term fears that I would be "found out" for what I am really like and then people wouldn't like me, if they knew the "real" me. Yes I am a horny lil runt, but that's not all... and I know what I have in me is uniquely me and is very much treasured by the right people.
2) That I will never be in a relationship again. This is another old favourite in my head and is nicely self-martyring. Telling myself I am a nice guy and all (which is pretending to guise it as a positive thing) but I've had my chance and I'll never find someone that wants to be close to me as more than a friend. That that's what I am good for, to be people's friend and to be there for them. That basically I can't be close to someone intimately because I am not capable, that I don't have the right things to give, that I am lacking in things. You can see a pattern emerging here can't you? I can.
3) That I bother people. That people will get fed up with me and I mustn't bother them so much or they'll get bored and just be nice and humour me. That I'll get on their nerves.
Three things and all coming from a feeling of inferiority (which is weird considering the position I have at work and how generally that doesn't bother me so much). So I need to work at my feelings of insecurity and inferiority and stop myself from going down those routes as they reinforce and feed those feelings.
Something very definite to work on.
I thought of three that I know I do quite a bit which I've decided to work on and try and put behind me. To consciously stop myself when I do them and look for ways of showing myself they aren't true.
So... here they are, so I don't forget and can remind myself they aren't true.
1) That I am not submissive really. I am just an overly horny geek and just pretending. This is an old one and one I know at least one other friend suffers with. This stems from doubting myself, doubting my motives and reasons. Doubting what I have to give and that very bad thing "comparing myself to others". Everyone has different things to give and by thinking this I am undervaluing myself which is damaging, its always making me feel inferior or wrong. This goes back to very long term fears that I would be "found out" for what I am really like and then people wouldn't like me, if they knew the "real" me. Yes I am a horny lil runt, but that's not all... and I know what I have in me is uniquely me and is very much treasured by the right people.
2) That I will never be in a relationship again. This is another old favourite in my head and is nicely self-martyring. Telling myself I am a nice guy and all (which is pretending to guise it as a positive thing) but I've had my chance and I'll never find someone that wants to be close to me as more than a friend. That that's what I am good for, to be people's friend and to be there for them. That basically I can't be close to someone intimately because I am not capable, that I don't have the right things to give, that I am lacking in things. You can see a pattern emerging here can't you? I can.
3) That I bother people. That people will get fed up with me and I mustn't bother them so much or they'll get bored and just be nice and humour me. That I'll get on their nerves.
Three things and all coming from a feeling of inferiority (which is weird considering the position I have at work and how generally that doesn't bother me so much). So I need to work at my feelings of insecurity and inferiority and stop myself from going down those routes as they reinforce and feed those feelings.
Something very definite to work on.
Old friends
In the middle of making new friends, I got closer to old ones too. I'm going to see Snow Patrol with someone i've known online for a while and her partner wanted to meet me before she went (which is totally understandable!) so I took the day off last Tuesday and drove the 100 miles to go meet them both.
It's a strange thing when someone stops being words on a screen or on the phone and you see their face, their expression, their smile, their body language... but its also a wonderful thing. I was nervous but no where near as nervous as I used to be. Most nervous about meeting her partner though as I've never even spoke to him before. I knew he must be a good guy though, to be with her, and I've heard good things about him from others.
Like most of my close friends, we've shared up and down times, not just casual hello's and chat but made a closer connection. Seeing someone from the inside out is weird, but it works for me.
It was a 2 1/2hr drive and I arrived about 11am and they were both totally lovely. Completely warm, genuine, friendly people that made me feel very welcome. She was exactly like I imagined her and we chatted happily about things and I hope it wasn't too strained on their side either. Apparently I blush a lot easier than I realise and she took great delight in pointing out to me and I giggled lots squirming and not knowing quite where to look. She also took a playful swat at my ass with a flogger as I went to get my tail from the car to show them. OK it was only a playful flick through my jeans but omg *purrrr* ummm yes yummy.
It's also the first time I've really chatted in person with an experienced male sub who wasn't just a pain slut (as many have been at the few munches I went to) and it made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I am to see someone that obviously had so many similar reactions... it was very reaffirming and I came away feeling a lot more settled about that side of me, who and what I am.
Her kids came home, so we helped one with their homework, had pizza, then played Wii games (i know how to influence kids, so i'd bought mine!) til 8pm when it was time for me to reluctantly go home.
What did I love most? The time spent with friends. The chance to actually hug a friend rather than it just be words. The opportunity to just sit and purrr and relax and be myself without catching my words or worrying about being thought "odd" because of my tastes. The chance to quietly rub her feet in my lap and know she understood I was doing it just because I loved to, not because I wanted anything else.
People are great :)
It's a strange thing when someone stops being words on a screen or on the phone and you see their face, their expression, their smile, their body language... but its also a wonderful thing. I was nervous but no where near as nervous as I used to be. Most nervous about meeting her partner though as I've never even spoke to him before. I knew he must be a good guy though, to be with her, and I've heard good things about him from others.
Like most of my close friends, we've shared up and down times, not just casual hello's and chat but made a closer connection. Seeing someone from the inside out is weird, but it works for me.
It was a 2 1/2hr drive and I arrived about 11am and they were both totally lovely. Completely warm, genuine, friendly people that made me feel very welcome. She was exactly like I imagined her and we chatted happily about things and I hope it wasn't too strained on their side either. Apparently I blush a lot easier than I realise and she took great delight in pointing out to me and I giggled lots squirming and not knowing quite where to look. She also took a playful swat at my ass with a flogger as I went to get my tail from the car to show them. OK it was only a playful flick through my jeans but omg *purrrr* ummm yes yummy.
It's also the first time I've really chatted in person with an experienced male sub who wasn't just a pain slut (as many have been at the few munches I went to) and it made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I am to see someone that obviously had so many similar reactions... it was very reaffirming and I came away feeling a lot more settled about that side of me, who and what I am.
Her kids came home, so we helped one with their homework, had pizza, then played Wii games (i know how to influence kids, so i'd bought mine!) til 8pm when it was time for me to reluctantly go home.
What did I love most? The time spent with friends. The chance to actually hug a friend rather than it just be words. The opportunity to just sit and purrr and relax and be myself without catching my words or worrying about being thought "odd" because of my tastes. The chance to quietly rub her feet in my lap and know she understood I was doing it just because I loved to, not because I wanted anything else.
People are great :)
New friends
Yes, I am playing catchup again after a busy work/busy life kind of week last week. I've noticed that as life get's busy and I have more to write about I both have less time and less inclination to write (as I'm knackered!), so then play catchup slowly after... Mostly. Sometimes I just chat about things with friends and then it never get's written.
I never did get round to writing up about Amsterdam! There are a few things I do want to make sure I say though. A week last Friday I made a new friend. That made a pretty mediocre week (pretty tired out through working each evening) into an amazing one. That day had been pretty naff starting anyway as something had gotten to me. It was a strange thing. I've known this person by seeing their comments on Alt for awhile, they've left me a few nice comments and I've responded. I was a little intimidated though. They came across as very smart, strong, focussed despite everything they had gone through. We had said a few things in comments that encouraged each other and I had just left it as that. I started reading their blog and it opened up more sides of them too me. I think it was the few times she let her guard slip and showed how much she struggled too and some of the quandries she was in with trying to work out and redefine who she was, feeling bits of herself going in different directions and the confusion that brings. It made me go oh yes.... knowing just how that feels. You have this smart, funny woman who has doubts, concerns, worries, desires and fears... and suddenly very approachable and human.
I have a silly fear. You share a few nice comments with someone and thats all nice and safe. If you reach out and try and go further you risk losing that. You may not get on, you may not like each other, you may have nothing to say to each other and just get stuck at a "hi" and thats quite embarrasing. When do you risk something "safe" and try and make a real friend? Well, I think you should always do it, even though I do it rarely... So I made that step. Emailed her. Invited her to say hi to me on IM if she wanted. I had a minor heart attack when she did thinking "oh god what do i say now". We talked. We talked on and off all day and it was just so NICE. So easy and we found so much in common with how we thought about things, the bad things as well as the good. I found myself just saying "yes" all day and smiling that someone else knew all those silly thoughts and feelings we have, without having to explain why we can be so daft... without having to explain or justify myself. I think thats the feeling I came away with at the end of the day. I had been pretty open about things and never had to qualify it or justify it or explain the less than ideal things. That and she was just fun to chat with on every level.
It was good. Very good. Making friends is always worth the risk! Sometimes we just need to find the right person to make the friend with to make it work.
In the evening, I went to the cinema... Went home, the last text on my phone had been from my new friend. I'd finished eating when I got a call on my phone with this voice saying "so are you out of the kitchen now? did you enjoy the cup of tea?". I was like OMG what? How did she know? It totally threw me. Then she explained, somehow my phone unlocked in my pocket, hit that text and hit dial... so she had been stuck on the phone for twenty odd minutes listening to everything I did. I was so glad all I had done was make dinner! I was SO embarrased I went completely red, and just giggled. It was a great ice-breaker as I think both of us would have been too nervous to make a call. We giggled and talked for an hour or so about this, that, other things and it was just how friends are supposed to be. Even if I still chuckle when I think of her calling me up with the ultimate stalker line of asking if i'd enjoyed my tea!
I never did get round to writing up about Amsterdam! There are a few things I do want to make sure I say though. A week last Friday I made a new friend. That made a pretty mediocre week (pretty tired out through working each evening) into an amazing one. That day had been pretty naff starting anyway as something had gotten to me. It was a strange thing. I've known this person by seeing their comments on Alt for awhile, they've left me a few nice comments and I've responded. I was a little intimidated though. They came across as very smart, strong, focussed despite everything they had gone through. We had said a few things in comments that encouraged each other and I had just left it as that. I started reading their blog and it opened up more sides of them too me. I think it was the few times she let her guard slip and showed how much she struggled too and some of the quandries she was in with trying to work out and redefine who she was, feeling bits of herself going in different directions and the confusion that brings. It made me go oh yes.... knowing just how that feels. You have this smart, funny woman who has doubts, concerns, worries, desires and fears... and suddenly very approachable and human.
I have a silly fear. You share a few nice comments with someone and thats all nice and safe. If you reach out and try and go further you risk losing that. You may not get on, you may not like each other, you may have nothing to say to each other and just get stuck at a "hi" and thats quite embarrasing. When do you risk something "safe" and try and make a real friend? Well, I think you should always do it, even though I do it rarely... So I made that step. Emailed her. Invited her to say hi to me on IM if she wanted. I had a minor heart attack when she did thinking "oh god what do i say now". We talked. We talked on and off all day and it was just so NICE. So easy and we found so much in common with how we thought about things, the bad things as well as the good. I found myself just saying "yes" all day and smiling that someone else knew all those silly thoughts and feelings we have, without having to explain why we can be so daft... without having to explain or justify myself. I think thats the feeling I came away with at the end of the day. I had been pretty open about things and never had to qualify it or justify it or explain the less than ideal things. That and she was just fun to chat with on every level.
It was good. Very good. Making friends is always worth the risk! Sometimes we just need to find the right person to make the friend with to make it work.
In the evening, I went to the cinema... Went home, the last text on my phone had been from my new friend. I'd finished eating when I got a call on my phone with this voice saying "so are you out of the kitchen now? did you enjoy the cup of tea?". I was like OMG what? How did she know? It totally threw me. Then she explained, somehow my phone unlocked in my pocket, hit that text and hit dial... so she had been stuck on the phone for twenty odd minutes listening to everything I did. I was so glad all I had done was make dinner! I was SO embarrased I went completely red, and just giggled. It was a great ice-breaker as I think both of us would have been too nervous to make a call. We giggled and talked for an hour or so about this, that, other things and it was just how friends are supposed to be. Even if I still chuckle when I think of her calling me up with the ultimate stalker line of asking if i'd enjoyed my tea!
Cars
I hate making decisions, especially if they are decisions that are going to stick with me sometime. I guess its my risk aversion at work. This stands me well in my job in IT, as I tend to think through the consequences of changes rather than rushing in.
In real life though this is generally a bad thing and I can get into an indecisive loop of feeling paralysed and overwhelmed. Fortunately the medication has helped a LOT in this and reducing the anxiety so I can actually make a choice. I am still not great at it, but it does mean its more down to me and not just my head trying to spin round as if I was doing a remake of the Exorcist.
As I have rambled before, my car is getting a little... decrepit for the amount of driving I am doing now, and I think its time to get a new one. After surfing the web for far too long trying to make my mind up from the mixed reviews I have a clear winner. The Honda Jazz (Fit for Americans) just ticks all the boxes. Its cute. It's pretty. It has lots of interesting buttons and dials inside and neat lit up displays. Ummm I am sure I should think of mechanical things too... It's relatively small. It's efficient. It's low emission. It's pretty. It's supposed to be reliable. It as a good amount of space and very flexible seats that fold down in all sorts of interesting ways to make it good for carrying stuff around (and sex I've decided, that magic seating system is purely designed so someone can have sex comfortably). It's pretty. It just really does seem like its the car for what I need. OK so its a but more than I wanted to spend but... I have more people I want to visit now who are all some distance away, soooooo its a worthwhile investment. I popped into the local Honda Dealer Sunday and had a fiddle with one and it was nice. Couldn't take it for a test drive though as there were only two sales advisor's and they were both busy with people interested in more expensive cars...
So I need to go for a test drive, then make my mind up finally. I've seen a really good price on two 2006 ones in South Wales that if I like how they drive and they are still available would be a no brainer to take a day off work for a trip to go see them. So I just have to cross my fingers and hope they don't go. At least I know now what I want, which is good... as I really dislike dealing with sales people, they are so pushy. If I go knowing what I want I deal with it a lot better.
In typical awkward fashion though, the brakes on my car have started grinding so I have to drop my car in the garage tonight. I've asked them to do the minimum to keep it going for a few thousand miles just so I can get it replaced, as I really do not want to spend a lot of money on it now.
In real life though this is generally a bad thing and I can get into an indecisive loop of feeling paralysed and overwhelmed. Fortunately the medication has helped a LOT in this and reducing the anxiety so I can actually make a choice. I am still not great at it, but it does mean its more down to me and not just my head trying to spin round as if I was doing a remake of the Exorcist.
As I have rambled before, my car is getting a little... decrepit for the amount of driving I am doing now, and I think its time to get a new one. After surfing the web for far too long trying to make my mind up from the mixed reviews I have a clear winner. The Honda Jazz (Fit for Americans) just ticks all the boxes. Its cute. It's pretty. It has lots of interesting buttons and dials inside and neat lit up displays. Ummm I am sure I should think of mechanical things too... It's relatively small. It's efficient. It's low emission. It's pretty. It's supposed to be reliable. It as a good amount of space and very flexible seats that fold down in all sorts of interesting ways to make it good for carrying stuff around (and sex I've decided, that magic seating system is purely designed so someone can have sex comfortably). It's pretty. It just really does seem like its the car for what I need. OK so its a but more than I wanted to spend but... I have more people I want to visit now who are all some distance away, soooooo its a worthwhile investment. I popped into the local Honda Dealer Sunday and had a fiddle with one and it was nice. Couldn't take it for a test drive though as there were only two sales advisor's and they were both busy with people interested in more expensive cars...
So I need to go for a test drive, then make my mind up finally. I've seen a really good price on two 2006 ones in South Wales that if I like how they drive and they are still available would be a no brainer to take a day off work for a trip to go see them. So I just have to cross my fingers and hope they don't go. At least I know now what I want, which is good... as I really dislike dealing with sales people, they are so pushy. If I go knowing what I want I deal with it a lot better.
In typical awkward fashion though, the brakes on my car have started grinding so I have to drop my car in the garage tonight. I've asked them to do the minimum to keep it going for a few thousand miles just so I can get it replaced, as I really do not want to spend a lot of money on it now.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Police, do not cross...
omg
I got back to work today to find my desk had been wrapped up in "police do not cross" tape and i had to spend ages getting it clear. Even my keyboard had been wrapped up! I am SO going to enjoy getting them back!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Lil sh***s
Can I say what a bunch of lil shits kids today can be. This may sound like a slightly irate post and it probably is. Saturday morning (while being all fuzzy, etc, as previously noted) I stopped off at the petrol station to fill up before going to the ex's and noticed some lil bastard had prized off one of my hub caps. Now my car is about 12 years old, not a particularly well known manufacturer, cheap, ugly, worthless. The hub caps are locked onto the car so it didnt just "come off". The lock was still bolted firmly onto the wheel. The hubcaps were just metallic coloured plastic so I am sure they shattered it when they levered it off. Just pure bloody minded vandalism.
Gits.
Gits.
Work work work
Friday was SUCH a busy day at work. In fact the end of the week was. I was happily working on one thing in the week, as I was supposed to, when someone needs some help to do something... so I give them info and stuff, then need to configure some servers for them. That's ok, I can fit it in somewhere and the guy was kinda cute anyway.
Then another project goes in. Super-important (as always). Forgotten or assumed requirements (uhuh), infrastructure changes needed that they had forgot to arrange (typical), must be live by the beginning of July... testing is due to start now (shock, horror, surprise). So that blows half of Thursday and all of Friday out. Leaving me not doing my main project work, nor the favour I was doing for someone else. So ontop of the evening work each night this week, I now have work overnight tonight (Sunday) for 2nd interrpuption project too and am in the office today (Sunday) to do the 1st interrpution work.
Anyhoo... Friday as I was late leaving work I stopped off at the movies on the way home. It was a choice between Oceans 13 and Fantastic Four #2. As I felt frazzled and wanted light fluff I went for FF#2 and have to say I really enjoyed it. It was silly, it was frantic, it was melodramatic, it had science holes in it you could swing a supernova through but it was just joyous action super-hero fiction with larger than life goodies and baddies and everything simplified to such a very simple level but in an exuberant way. In the same way that spider-man is angst ridden, FF isn't... Oh and as always flooded with very very very cute girls. Kinda nice to know that films can still just be fun! Will take the boy back to see it next week as I'm sure he'll love it. I can ignore the plot then and just oggle.
Then another project goes in. Super-important (as always). Forgotten or assumed requirements (uhuh), infrastructure changes needed that they had forgot to arrange (typical), must be live by the beginning of July... testing is due to start now (shock, horror, surprise). So that blows half of Thursday and all of Friday out. Leaving me not doing my main project work, nor the favour I was doing for someone else. So ontop of the evening work each night this week, I now have work overnight tonight (Sunday) for 2nd interrpuption project too and am in the office today (Sunday) to do the 1st interrpution work.
Anyhoo... Friday as I was late leaving work I stopped off at the movies on the way home. It was a choice between Oceans 13 and Fantastic Four #2. As I felt frazzled and wanted light fluff I went for FF#2 and have to say I really enjoyed it. It was silly, it was frantic, it was melodramatic, it had science holes in it you could swing a supernova through but it was just joyous action super-hero fiction with larger than life goodies and baddies and everything simplified to such a very simple level but in an exuberant way. In the same way that spider-man is angst ridden, FF isn't... Oh and as always flooded with very very very cute girls. Kinda nice to know that films can still just be fun! Will take the boy back to see it next week as I'm sure he'll love it. I can ignore the plot then and just oggle.
Forgetting, bad
Friday I needed to renew my prescription for my anti-depressents. I had put the prescription in Monday so the chemist would go collect the repeat from the doctor for me and make it up. It was perfect timing, I had enough pills til Friday and then could collect it on the way home...
Of course Friday turned out to be a complete nightmare at work, so many silly little bitty things happening for a project that hadnt planned anything and totally swamped the day so it just vanished and I ended up working til gone 5pm so couldn't get the train home to get to the chemist in time. One day I thought. Won't make much difference.
At least now I KNOW for sure the side-effects of missing one day. Yesterday morning I was so lethargic, fuzzy, unable to concentrate, just brain dead and forgetful it was silly. I've seen it before now from when I've forgotten to know it is not just a coincidence. One bloody good incentive not to forget!
Of course Friday turned out to be a complete nightmare at work, so many silly little bitty things happening for a project that hadnt planned anything and totally swamped the day so it just vanished and I ended up working til gone 5pm so couldn't get the train home to get to the chemist in time. One day I thought. Won't make much difference.
At least now I KNOW for sure the side-effects of missing one day. Yesterday morning I was so lethargic, fuzzy, unable to concentrate, just brain dead and forgetful it was silly. I've seen it before now from when I've forgotten to know it is not just a coincidence. One bloody good incentive not to forget!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Another day
It got to me a bit how quiet it was Sunday when I got back home, thats the first time in awhile its bothered me. The drive to Mum, my ex then back home again is about 200 miles so it was a fairly tiring weekend everyway. Going from a house full of two kids, my parents and my brother to silence was weird. I'm sure after this time I'll get more used to it, even if the drive is a bit wearing.
I was feeling tired after last week at work so I wasn't really exceptionally chatty I know and spent most of Saturday surfing the net looking at cars, but it was nice to be around people and just laugh every now again or throw in comments. Yes, I'm doing that whole looking at cars thing again (must be the time of the year for it). I love my car. I really love my car. It's done about 110k miles now and still runs lovely except for its little leaks into the cabin, its incessant need to be topped up with oil and coolant. These little things do worry me a little as most of the journeys I do are just not round the corner but ferrying the boy back and forth. In August I'm going upto the Lake District with my friend from Ayrshire so that is going to be a fair old drive too and so I started wondering again if it was time to replace her (the car that is, not my friend).
So, looking at cars again. New vs a few years old. Different makes. Different sizes. I'm kind of sure if I get one it will be a super-mini. Corsa. Yaris. Jazz. Something like that. So many different reviews and problems or not. I need to get an automatic as thats all I can drive (I was lazy when I took my test) so then you hear that say, the Yaris is terrible as an automatic. Makes it very confusing. One thing I did decide though is if I do get one I will not trade my old car in. I don't expect anyone would want it from me, its old... the drivers door lock was busted by a break-in attempt and you need to open it from the passengers side... So... I am going to give it to the local fire-station rather than try and get a measly 50 pound for it. They use "scrap"
cars for rescue practice to cut them to pieces. This to mean seems a fine end to a car thats done me well, helping them practice... who knows if it might benefit someday someone I know.
Having looked for sometime, then enjoyed driving my car home... I've started thinking "maybe I'll get her serviced one more time" as she is so much fun. One day I will make my mind up!
I did manage to get two nice but cheap pairs of jeans down in Bournemouth though which pleased me as they are perfect for work. It can be a right pain in the backside getting jeans in my size... the legs are always too long since I am a short ass ;-).
Still feeling quiet today, keeping myself to myself and just getting on with work, which won't hurt much. I think I've started moving from the slight despair overnight to the more reflective thoughtfulness which is always a better place to be. I am blessed by friends. To the friend that saw my blog and instantly sent me a text. Thankyou. To the friends that left such kind comments. Thankyou. To the friend that sent me an email with so much for me to think about now... just thankyou honey, I don't know how you did that seeing as you sent it WAY before you could have known what I had written.
I was feeling tired after last week at work so I wasn't really exceptionally chatty I know and spent most of Saturday surfing the net looking at cars, but it was nice to be around people and just laugh every now again or throw in comments. Yes, I'm doing that whole looking at cars thing again (must be the time of the year for it). I love my car. I really love my car. It's done about 110k miles now and still runs lovely except for its little leaks into the cabin, its incessant need to be topped up with oil and coolant. These little things do worry me a little as most of the journeys I do are just not round the corner but ferrying the boy back and forth. In August I'm going upto the Lake District with my friend from Ayrshire so that is going to be a fair old drive too and so I started wondering again if it was time to replace her (the car that is, not my friend).
So, looking at cars again. New vs a few years old. Different makes. Different sizes. I'm kind of sure if I get one it will be a super-mini. Corsa. Yaris. Jazz. Something like that. So many different reviews and problems or not. I need to get an automatic as thats all I can drive (I was lazy when I took my test) so then you hear that say, the Yaris is terrible as an automatic. Makes it very confusing. One thing I did decide though is if I do get one I will not trade my old car in. I don't expect anyone would want it from me, its old... the drivers door lock was busted by a break-in attempt and you need to open it from the passengers side... So... I am going to give it to the local fire-station rather than try and get a measly 50 pound for it. They use "scrap"
cars for rescue practice to cut them to pieces. This to mean seems a fine end to a car thats done me well, helping them practice... who knows if it might benefit someday someone I know.
Having looked for sometime, then enjoyed driving my car home... I've started thinking "maybe I'll get her serviced one more time" as she is so much fun. One day I will make my mind up!
I did manage to get two nice but cheap pairs of jeans down in Bournemouth though which pleased me as they are perfect for work. It can be a right pain in the backside getting jeans in my size... the legs are always too long since I am a short ass ;-).
Still feeling quiet today, keeping myself to myself and just getting on with work, which won't hurt much. I think I've started moving from the slight despair overnight to the more reflective thoughtfulness which is always a better place to be. I am blessed by friends. To the friend that saw my blog and instantly sent me a text. Thankyou. To the friends that left such kind comments. Thankyou. To the friend that sent me an email with so much for me to think about now... just thankyou honey, I don't know how you did that seeing as you sent it WAY before you could have known what I had written.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Anniversary
I didn't think today would get to me, but after all it has. Mum mentioned yesterday that Sunday would have been our 12th wedding anniversary and asked how we were with it. I hadn't even thought about it til then to be honest. I knew it was coming, but I ignored it. Technically it is still our 12th as we are still married. We always knew we were going to hit "12" before we file for divorce in August based on two years separation.
When I got to the ex's she looked sad, her eyes teared up and she mentioned it saying "sad huh", so I gave her a hug. She mentioned it a few times while I was there, especially as she had something she wanted to give me as "thankyou" for helping her a few times... She apologised for the timing of giving it to me, on our anniversary. I think it had bothered her more thinking about it than me, but as she mentioned it - it kind of built up inside me.
So now I am home and it was a quiet drive home. It's a sunny day but I don't really want to go out. Don't really want to talk to anyone in fact. It feels sad. 12 years and it ended in failure and with us both alone.
Thats how it feels like. I know the reality is different. It wasn't a failure, we have a lovely boy from it. We are good friends. We are both happier thna we were when we were together. The abuse has stopped, she keeps control of her temper a lot more, we are both more independent and able to deal with things. I know this is a good thing.
For today though. It feels sad. I'm going to let myself have that time, and tomorrow will be a bright new day.
So, off to putter round, make the house look perfect then curl up with a DVD. If I'm really adventerous I may even put the DVD in the player and turn the TV on...
Til tomorrow.
When I got to the ex's she looked sad, her eyes teared up and she mentioned it saying "sad huh", so I gave her a hug. She mentioned it a few times while I was there, especially as she had something she wanted to give me as "thankyou" for helping her a few times... She apologised for the timing of giving it to me, on our anniversary. I think it had bothered her more thinking about it than me, but as she mentioned it - it kind of built up inside me.
So now I am home and it was a quiet drive home. It's a sunny day but I don't really want to go out. Don't really want to talk to anyone in fact. It feels sad. 12 years and it ended in failure and with us both alone.
Thats how it feels like. I know the reality is different. It wasn't a failure, we have a lovely boy from it. We are good friends. We are both happier thna we were when we were together. The abuse has stopped, she keeps control of her temper a lot more, we are both more independent and able to deal with things. I know this is a good thing.
For today though. It feels sad. I'm going to let myself have that time, and tomorrow will be a bright new day.
So, off to putter round, make the house look perfect then curl up with a DVD. If I'm really adventerous I may even put the DVD in the player and turn the TV on...
Til tomorrow.
Nerves
I think nerves might be catching. I have a friend thats going to NY soon to meet someone special to them and has had a sudden bout of the "am I good enoughs". In fact they are going about the same time as me and thats been comforting, knowing both of us are going into the unknown, meeting people we really want to like us, filled with a mixture of anticipation, excitement, fear, doubt, worry, delight, disbelief this is happening, wanting it just to be NOW.
It's been a weird week here. On one sense its been lovely. A few of us stayed over at a friend from works house, played Wii and PS/2 games all evening. Had a sleep over and had such a blast.
So I've been a bit quiet, and I know not as chatty as I can be. That means I've not really talked to a few people I'm visiting. Jolie. Ms Silvie, Tracy. Different working hours, not being really enthused enough to write long emails, all silly little things. Oh and I've managed to forget my meds three times this week (though never twice in a row, thankfully). Little things leaving me in a slightly less than positive frame of mind. So now I am starting to have nerves about the visit, especially with those I've not managed to speak to much recently. Silly things like how quiet I am normally, how will people take that when I know online I can be pretty bouncy/silly? How will the real me compare?
Tracy and I haven't had much time together in the last few weeks and that starts you to wonder more, its so easy to forget that they like you... One thing I've learnt from my friend up in Scotland is its so easy to imagine a distance between you just because circumstances mean you arent together. One has to trust, believe, remember, before you start filling in problems which aren't really there. I am pretty glad I've already learnt that lesson and know I need to put to bed the little doubts.
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