Learning slowly

A very special friend and I had our first... hmmm not falling out but I guess chasm in how we were talking yesterday.

A time when we were both speaking in tongues and while it looked like we were both speaking English we were talking very different languages from different perspectives. This was through no fault of either of us, neither was being bitchy, upset, cross, mad or not trying. Just one of those things where things just don't seem to gel and I think both of us came away feeling dissatisfied with how things ended up. It's not a nice feeling when you are used to things not even having to be said most of the time.

I know, for me, something that was said brought up demons I didn't know I had. There is no way she could know this, she wasn't trying to worry me, make me think, tell me a problem... anything. Just a very simple passing comment about something I know was WAY behind us that made me go "oh". Not because how she said it, not because of why, not because it happened even... just because I am used to reacting like that. This surprised me and yes, it put me in a bit of a bad place for a bit. I reacted because thats how I always reacted in that situation with my ex. I felt myself back in the place of "if the ex said this it was for THIS reason" and thats how I reacted to my good friend. I didn't react to her. I reacted to the past.

This is a bad thing... when you react not to the person you are with but to bad things way behind you.

This is a good thing. I didn't know this baggage was there with me. It caught me by surprise. When you think so many things are behind you, you just don't know where the little hurts and twitches are left behind. Its good to be reminded of them, to find them with someone you love and care for and trust. Someone that even if you go "ugh" and react badly you can trust in them and their reasons and hold onto that and move past it. Someone you know you can freak at slightly and they know its not because of them or what they did or meant, but because you have things to work through. Someone patient and loving and kind who wants the best for you.

So it was not the most comfortable conversation and I came away feeling a bit "blah" and dissatisfied, but I sat and thought about it for a little after. Looked at my reactions and why. Saw how tied up they were with my old ways and my ex and said "screw this, I dont want to behave like this" and put it behind me. Left the girl a voicemail being a lot more positive. Then, put it behind me as a "ok so that was really silly, lets not do that again". This is very not like me to be so quick to deal with something in my head and not sit and beat myself up. It really is a much better way.

I am very grateful for the chance to learn from her. I know we both have our demons from the past (who doesn't?) and I know she is as determined as me to make any mistakes we make as just us and not because of people before us. We will have ups, downs, misunderstanding, times when we get scared and worried and freak, times when we just enjoy. That's good and right and all part of keep building our relationship as US. So thankyou for letting me make mistakes and letting me learn from them and trusting me enough to know that thats what they are and how I feel doesnt change.

Wet weekends

The end of a very wet bank holiday weekend!

We went to the Surrey Country Show today which was... very wet and muddy. I'd forgotten to take my meds two days in a row and I have to admit I could feel the difference this morning. Impatient, irritable, definitely more negative thinking.

The boy had cubs all day on Sat (10am to 10pm) so I didn't see him and went round a friends to watch DVD's instead, which was nice, then sunday went round to the ex's so I could spend some time with the boy and make the most of the weekend.

But... I did notice how things about the ex started to bug me by this morning, especially as she was slightly impatient. By time we got to the show and started to walk around she was just bugging the hell out of me by how she was. So I gritted my teeth and tried not to let it get to me knowing that a) I didn't have to spend long with her and b) I knew I wasn't exactly at the most stable state. Nothing to write about now, its over and gone. Interesting to watch my reactions though and learn a little more about how being around her makes me feel.

We had fun though even though it was very very very wet and bitterly cold and the boy got a bit fed up by the end. The ex worked her way around by eating samples at every stall and talking to everyone. We managed to see just a little of the show-jumping but it was just TOO wet to stand and watch which was a shame.

Came away with some yummy food though... I blame both the meds and SR for infecting me with liking nice tastes.

So... In my freezer and fridge now are, in no particular order. Wensleydale and cranberry cheese. White stilton and apricot cheese. Cheese and onion bread. Cinammon and walnut bread. Whole grain bread. Beef and horseradish sausages. Pork and leak sausages. Pork and something that sounded yummy but i can't remember what it is now sausages. Organic blueberry preserve. Organic crunchy peanut butter preserve.

I think that'll just about do me for the week ;-).

Now though I am really looking forward to next weekend and having the boy to myself for a weekend - last weekend he had his drama/dance club show which was lovely to watch but again meant I didn't have him just to myself (he loved it though, one boy, 44 girls and he was so sweet to watch and got such a big awwww when he came on being the only boy!). I am going to ignore the week at work. Last week was pretty bad but not something I want to bring up again now that its gone.

Annoyed BSAFH

So,

I am rather annoyed. Let's ignore the fact that someone blew away a server by moving stuff around without thinking about it. This happens, and you know its part of the game we are in. Of course the real sin was listening to a user and what they told them to do, as opposed to thinking about it and interpreting it and seeing what they wanted and what the correct way of doing it was, as opposed to just following instructions. That's what makes a sysadmin as opposed to an operator.

These things happen, and you laugh and joke about it and fix it. I've rebuilt the server and am having issues getting it to see external storage, but again, thats part of the business. What HAS annoyed me though is that even though this server is recorded as being down and being worked on... they've reinstalled the application. OK.. first time... over zealous mistake. I rebuilt it again to retest something and came in this morning to find they've done it AGAIN! Worse than that, our 2nd line team even logged in and made them directories to do it in, installed a compiler on the box just after I had rebuilt it! This is so very annoying and now i've locked them out the box completely. What bugs me most is even if this were a "live" box and ready to have stuff deployed on it, they shouldn't just be creating directories like this anyway and letting users put stuff in the OS's filesytems!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

rm -rf /users/directory/take/that/you/son/of/a

Falling to pieces

Tired after working overnight past 2am the last two nights, but surprisingly not as bad as I had expected. It seems to work a bit better coming home, doing some stuff and eating and then napping about 8pm til I have to work - even though it's been a real struggle to wake up and think straight then while working! Then back to work for 7.45am the next morning to try and keep in my my normal cycle. I've probably been getting as much sleep as normal... lol, I seem good humoured anyway which is a bonus!

I'm getting very achey though. I must be getting old. I've put on about 3pound in the last week or two (i'll blame the meds) so my tummy feels bloated and hurts (this is the heaviest I've ever been now), and my fingers and wrist and elbow on my right hand have one of those annoying deep aches that makes you think IT is bad for you...

Yup, falling to pieces!

Extreme needle play

I had to relieve some stress at work, and I am afraid Dilbert's friend Wally volunteered for some rather extreme needle play. I think he was left smiling though, it's hard to tell..

I showed this to a couple of my friends. I am not sure if it says something about them or me that universally it wasn't the fact I skewered Wally that worried them... it's that I had made it so symmetrical...

Alcohol

Had a pretty blah day yesterday. More than flat, pretty down to the level of not really wanting to be around people. It left me feeling more than a little scared that things were going back to the way they had been. Looking back... we went to the pub on Wednesday lunchtime and had a burger and a beer special deal. It really doesn't do me any good when I even have a little alcohol, so that's it for me. No more drinking. It's not worth the consequences. Whether it's just because I sleep so badly after (and I did - I slept even more awfully than normal), whether its just the general depressive effects and physical effects, or with the meds I know the next day is pretty blah so isn't worth it.

I caught up with a lot of sleep last night (napped as soon as I got in from work) so that made so much difference and today has felt a really good day. We went and had a drink at an Italian restaurant at lunch so I was good, just had two latte's while everyone else had wine or lager. Definitely worth it :). If we go beer tasting in Thunder I will just have a lickle sip of everyone elses to get the taste :)

wooohooo

I'm going to see Snow Patrol!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy happy happy alan going to see one of his favourite bands, annnnnnnnnnd get to go with PS too!! awesome and coolies

Shopping and other vices

So that was last weekend. Very different than the previous weekend when Mum (who shall henceforth be abbreviated as "Mum") was here. We had a good time with her and she loved the house and the garden and she felt really relaxed and comfortable and it wasn't too much of a struggle for her to get here. So comfortable in fact she decided she wanted to come back and is coming down for her birthday in August!! Woohoo!!

There has been a few bad days, like my bad night last week. Monday I was blah and flat as anything. I'd worked til 2am Monday morning then back up again working at 5am as I had stuff on my mind. The amazing thing still to me is that's where it ends. I have a bad day. I have a bad day at work, or I am extremely tired... and it doesn't spiral into anything more. It just stays as that and then passes, as it should do. It is SUCH a relief to feel free of depression and just have bad days now!

I am such a total shopping slut though. While I was working late on Sunday I think I managed to keep ebay going with the amount of nice things I bought. It was so much fun looking through things and giggling and selecting things. Hell I don't care if I don't like any of the pretty things I bought, or if they don't fit, or if I just decide that kind of dressup isn't for me. I had fun shopping while I was working. I spent hardly anything. I'll try some things just so I know. I just had fun!! Isn't that how its supposed to be? Worst case, I re-ebay or donate to a charity shop - or maybe if its not really me just keep one or two things in case that sort of play ever comes up.

I really should start waiting to actually claim overtime before i spend it though ;-)

Upsets

We had a bit of an upset weekend. It was kind of odd. The boy was here and as the weather was so bad we had planned to curl up and watch at least one movie. He'd wanted to watch the original superman for awhile and it finally turned up on my DVD club. Sooooo we sat down. Started watching it. Got to the bit where Krypton starts to blow up and he completely freaks, starts to shake, cry, clings to me and falls to pieces. Now this is SO not like the boy.

He then told me he was scared of the planet blwing up and dying and wanted to know what it was like to die and what happened afterwards. This kind of floored me as I had no idea where it came from. So we talked a little, nothing too heavy just comforting and I cuddled him and held him and just listened. Then we just left it and curled up in bed and he tucked up under his quilt and we cuddled and watched cartoons for a few hours. I let him sleep with me that night as he was quite shaken and he slept fine.

Speaking to ETB later on Sunday and it all fell into place. They had been to a cubs church walk in the week and there had been a "talk" which she said she thought at the time was over-the-top for 8-10 year olds. It was about Jesus dying she said, and the person doing it was very heavy into saying how Jesus must have felt and suffered, etc. The whole thing must have been playing on the poor bugger's mind since then til something happened that brought it all out.

It made me sad to be honest, that he had suffered like that. It was a relief though that he could let it out with me and then let it go. He was so much happier on Sunday and didn't look back at all. Sometimes it's these harder things that remind me just what a special relationship we are growing.

Cast of thousands...

Lots of people have nice acronyms or labels for people in their lives for their blogs and go "last week L said...." or "and then we met up with T & V for coffee". I've decided I am insanely jealous of this (and possibly also very lazy) so I need to start doing this.

So, as all life is a stage, without further ado I introduce you to some of the main characters in our little drama.

HY (Hey You) - Also known as SR, all round smart, lovely, cute and gorgeous Lady. Former Owner. Apparently answers to Hey You for some reason. Who am I to argue??

MT (My Tracy) - Cuzisaid. Fluff Lover. Kinkster. Cutie-pie. Darling. Sweetheart. Far too thoughtful for any planet around here but I am not going to argue with it. Shhhhhh no one tell her everyone else isn't like that. Expert stalker.

PPF (princess petal flower) - Remember that scene in Return of the Jedi with princess leia in chains and not much else? petal was born to play that role...

LLG (Land Lady Gal) - Her who must be obeyed. Well paid every month anyway. Failing that run off to Amsterdam with her.

YB (You Bitch) - Scottish tart (she puts the tart in tartan) proud mother of our little girl poppy. Yes ok, so poppy is a beagle, but I am a pup... so what did you expect our offspring to be? Called You Bitch as it's what she seems to say to me most when we are on the phone...

TYP (Take your pill!) - Wicked delicious fellow conspirator who is MUCH more wicked than me. Honest. Really. Really really. Just remember babe, take your pill!

PS (pup scritcher) - MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm she's Dreamy and she likes to scritch.

RG (Rav's girl) - Rav's girl, my dear super smart friend Cat... congratulations on a year with your Master honey.

WYB (Where's Your Bum) - Ms Silvie, bum reporter extraordinaire.

SBS (Smart But Sexy) - Ms Jolie. How can anyone be THAT smart but still remain so sexy and human?

ETB (Ex-to-be) - Nuff said!

Isn't it funny?

I spend some time last night chatting with a new friend, someone that is still struggling with how their submissiveness fits in with the rest of their life and all the confused thoughts that brings - trying to encourage them and show them they are not alone.



Then I have the most awful night of nightmares, self-doubt, fear, wondering what the hell I am doing here and if I should just lock it all in a box and hide it away before I get hurt.



No good deed goes unpunished...

Postcards from the...

A friend of mine has been mail bombing me with postcards of what my bum has been upto. She reckons my bum has probably got its own agent and run off without me. So I get postcards from the exotic locations...

So first...

From the beach

"Anyone you know"


From Colardo

"Maybe you can catch up with your self...."


From Nevada

"Do you know where your wallet is?"



From wet places...

"Hope you are doing well, even if parts of you are getting all wet and slippery! "



From making new friends

"Part of you isn't shy at all"

For sale (Bank Holiday Special)

For sale, boy, 8 years old. Good condition, barely run in, only a little cosmetic damage (scratches on cheek and arm from an argument between a bike and the pavement). Good working order except we can't find the off switch and the volume control seems stuck to "loud".

Offer's considered. Buyer collects. Quickly.

Coming out?

Sometimes you wonder if you are being very brave or being very foolish.  I think I had one of those moments yesterday.



I received a nice email from my sister-in-law responding to my updating her how life was going.  She wanted me to know she was thinking of me as she hadn't had time to write, and didn't want me to feel she was ignoring me.  She is having a hard time at the moment with work, worried after a take over and redundancies (they've already had some, and more forecast).  It made me smile and glad we've started to get so much closer, even if she lives in Arizona.  I've always liked her but kept her a little at arms distance, as I kept everyone that way.



It's been wonderful opening up and getting to know each other again and I don't want to lose that.  When I read her email I was suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to reach out and let her know how much I appreciate her friendship, especially as things get stressful for her.  I wanted her to know I value and trust her and keep building those bonds.



I can't really help except listen, and let her known I've been there before with all that worry and I do understand.  I don't want to make that empty and one-sided though. I want to show I value and trust her and she can talk to me about anything (just as we had when both of us had marriage difficulties). I had already told her about the anti-depressants and depression (and that was SO hard but has brought us closer). 

So.  I wrote her an email saying I totally understood about her being so rushed and hectic and how much I appreciated her, and reaching out and opening up and letting her see more of myself.  I wrote about my bi-curiousness, the struggles with my sexuality upto now and how much more comfortable with myself I am.  I also told her all about the July try (all she knew to then was I was going to see friends).  Explained about Thunder.  Explained about how I've come to explore the BDSM scene.     I knew it would be a shock so I spoke about the stereotypes from TV, and how much different the BDSM community is.  How loving.  How self-aware, intelligent, strong, empowering. 



She emailed me back last night, quickly... as she didn't want to leave me worrying about how she took it.  She had said before she was sure whatever I did or was exploring either she or one of her friends would have done... but I was right, this was a new one on her ;-).  She didn't know anything about it apart from the stereotypes but said she would do some research when my brother had gone to bed, to try and understand.   She also reaffirmed how much she loves and accepts me and always will.



I feel very positive about this.  I know she won't mention it to my family.  I just need to get chance to write to her more, make sure she doesn't worry about me and understands just how good this journey has been for me.  I think she may already have seen the difference, just doesn't know it.  It feels good though to be open with someone in my family, to just be me.  I think trusting her will make us firmer friends and not just casual relatives, I think it will bring us closer and that will not be a bad thing for either of us.  Now I can love her properly.

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Checkup

I went to the doctor's midweek for the 6 week checkup.  I explained to her the differences in how I felt.  More confident, more that when I was upset it was for a reason.  More sociable.  The other things.  She was pleased I felt better. I said about the lightheadedness but it looks like something I have to bear with and see if it passes.  Same for the problems sleeping.  I will see how it goes and if it makes things too hard I will go back.



She was quite persistent about did I want other kinds of help.  I said no a few times.  At the moment I am enjoying the difference its making in my life and don't really have anything I want to work through.  I have those options there now and know how to get help.  I've spent enough time analysing my life and not living it.



So, the next review is in 6 months unless I decide to go back earlier.  She did say it wouldnt be til 4 or 5 months to consider coming off them, but honestly... knowing my family now I don't expect it to happen in a hurry at all.

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Sometimes you wish the ground would open up...

Sometimes something so funny happens it just makes you laugh after, and in fact want to laugh during.  I've had two of those tonight.



Mum's come to stay and the boy is here too so I met them both in Reading to get the train back.  It was packed, being a Friday evening, so we were in the corridor when the boy straightens up and turns to me and says "Dad, sit up, there's some reaaaaaally pretty girls coming".  As I'm looking at him in shock these two cute early twenty somethings walk past... and the boy assumes this really silly cute sweet look and grin on his face.  I just died.  Mum turned to me when they had gone and said "you've gone really red...".  Thanks for pointing that out, and I didn't even know I was blushing! Maybe I blush more than I thought.



The second, and completely hysterical event, happened tonight.  The spare bed needed the duvet cover put on but I struggle with the king by myself so had left it ready for Mum to help.  So we unroll the clean duvet cover and there, caught up in from the laundry was a pair of girls grey underwear shorts with pretty pink trim.  Mum turns to me and asks "they aren't yours are they?".  I have no idea if I went red... I told her the landlady had given me stuff to bring home as washing (which was true) and threw them in her cupboard.  I have no idea whether she believed me, because of course they *are* mine.  There are moments you wish the ground would open up!

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