Returns

So peace and quiet has now been restored to the house. The boy was delivered safely to his mum early Sunday morning and the three of spent a little time together browsing in the shops so it wasn't quite such a shock transition for any of us. Yes, I had a tear in my eye when I left and had to swallow hard and concentrate on not thinking and just the journey home.

Driving back home I heard the beginning of the My Chemical Romance song, Welcome to the Black Parade.

"When I was a young boy, my Father took me into the city, to see a marching band."

Out of context, but it made me mist up as I drove. I had a sudden thought of the moments we remember when we are older, those times with our parents that are the memories our lives are made of. I hope the boy had some of those last week.

It was, however, a beautiful afternoon, too nice to go home and vegetate and stew so I finally took that turning off the road I'd always promised myself I would to peek at what sort of country side Lardon Chase & The Hollies offered. I've seen the sign since I moved to Didcot but never got round to going up that road. Always been on my way too or from something. It was beautiful, and I wandered for an hour soaking in the sun. I will write more when I get the pictures off my phone.

Home then, a little refreshed, relaxed at least. Better than I expected and into a frenzy of activity clearing up after the pair of them. I think best described as "making busy" to stop me from thinking too much. Kitchen, lounge, both bedrooms. As the landlady had cleared out a wardrobe for me I revelled in the luxury of that. Hanging space! After 15 months! Oh wow, the simple excitements *grin* I think I will start wearing some shirts again now they are not hidden away in a drawer, and all my trousers and papers neatly stored so I can get to them. What do I do with all this space? Actually I did get very excited and impressed with some of the shirts I had which I had forgot. Silly huh? After so long just in t-shirts I suddenly want to dress up a little again.

After that, just tiredness set in as the week caught up. An early night for work. I was surprised how little I felt, I think I am getting better at adjusting or maybe with coping with it. Maybe just with avoiding it? Possibly that, clamping down on the feelings of emptiness and lonliness without shutting off completely. I know for now, I've put that past week behind me as pleasent memories but not to be looked at too closely or they will sting. The future is a closed book, so there is just now. Just deal with the present til I can look up and think of the future again.

But. An empty house and I was allowed to play with my Aneros before bed. I still havent got the hang of this little prostate massager but I am coming to love it. I hooked a cloth over the bit that tucks up behind the balls this time and so didnt get sore from where it poked, just the nice feeling of pressure. To use it you have to relax, breathe, let go of the day and just feel. As a relaxation tool its a good way for me to destress and force me to stop and pay attention to myself. I havent really got the hang of it yet but there were certainly a few times when I felt like I was going to die in a very very nice way and I think I was pretty vocal about the fact. For me... as expressing myself like that is so hard, that has to mean things were starting to go pretty darned well. I know I slept peacefully after anyway.