Halloween

OK, so, an event with wine and nibbles for halloween at work was NOT a good idea considering my lack of tolerence to wine compared to other alcohol.

I may have said a few slightly more honest comments than normal, but nothing really bad... just stuff I really wanted to say but was too timid. I was very helpful and proactive about it anyway, offering help to a girl in our team when someone REALLY pissed me off by offering her lots of "you should do it this way" and then buggering off probably leaving her confused. I offered her the one bit of advice i live by, do it the way you understand. It may not be the best way but, if it works its better than fucking it up.

I don't like the guy and he is always supercilious and condescending and full of advice when its not HIM thats doing the work.

But, anyway, ok so having had indepth technical discussions with my boss while trying NOT to slur my words, giving my true and honest opinion of vendors and people in the company and yet STILL knowing I was being positive and proactive and generally hopefully and helpful. Even if rambling a little.

So I've now told a few people some truths on quite what they've meant to me when I've been too scared to say before, now I need to get mushy on someone else and she isn't here at the moment so this will do.

Mistress, I adore you. You may think you know how much but I don't think you do. You leave me without words and have helped me be such a stronger person because you expect what I am capcable of not what I think I can do. I know how you are, I know your strengths and weaknesses and adore them all. I am proud, honestly truly proud to be your friend let alone anything else. You are... special.

Yours

Your puppy.

Back to work

Monday at work was tiring. I didn't get anything done I had planned. What is it about me and walking into a dead server at 7am? Just lucky I guess! It kept me busy though as well as having the mickey taken out of me all day about the coffee girl and how i had missed her getting dressed up for charity last week. This will run and run but if you give it out you have to take it back gracefully, so I blushed lots and frequently. She is cute though.

Coming home last night I honestly dreaded. I was tired, being unkind to myself and ready to crawl into the house and lock out the world. I made myself cook before anything, before apathy hit and I did quite enjoy it. Cooking for one is no fun but it was a nice meal. Idly read through the blogs and came across a comment that took my breath away. Thankyou, you know who you are. You changed my evening around and opened up the world again as a place I wanted to explore and be part of. It was infectious, I managed to help my best friend cheerfully looking up things for her, came out of my timidness and didn't let myself be pushed away by a very lonely and hurt new friend who in the end was grateful for the company even if just chatting online, and I giggled like a schoolgirl with another friend on the phone as the evening closed.

I am so very grateful you thought of me as it let me be there with and for those others when I had really felt like shutting everyone away.

Returns

So peace and quiet has now been restored to the house. The boy was delivered safely to his mum early Sunday morning and the three of spent a little time together browsing in the shops so it wasn't quite such a shock transition for any of us. Yes, I had a tear in my eye when I left and had to swallow hard and concentrate on not thinking and just the journey home.

Driving back home I heard the beginning of the My Chemical Romance song, Welcome to the Black Parade.

"When I was a young boy, my Father took me into the city, to see a marching band."

Out of context, but it made me mist up as I drove. I had a sudden thought of the moments we remember when we are older, those times with our parents that are the memories our lives are made of. I hope the boy had some of those last week.

It was, however, a beautiful afternoon, too nice to go home and vegetate and stew so I finally took that turning off the road I'd always promised myself I would to peek at what sort of country side Lardon Chase & The Hollies offered. I've seen the sign since I moved to Didcot but never got round to going up that road. Always been on my way too or from something. It was beautiful, and I wandered for an hour soaking in the sun. I will write more when I get the pictures off my phone.

Home then, a little refreshed, relaxed at least. Better than I expected and into a frenzy of activity clearing up after the pair of them. I think best described as "making busy" to stop me from thinking too much. Kitchen, lounge, both bedrooms. As the landlady had cleared out a wardrobe for me I revelled in the luxury of that. Hanging space! After 15 months! Oh wow, the simple excitements *grin* I think I will start wearing some shirts again now they are not hidden away in a drawer, and all my trousers and papers neatly stored so I can get to them. What do I do with all this space? Actually I did get very excited and impressed with some of the shirts I had which I had forgot. Silly huh? After so long just in t-shirts I suddenly want to dress up a little again.

After that, just tiredness set in as the week caught up. An early night for work. I was surprised how little I felt, I think I am getting better at adjusting or maybe with coping with it. Maybe just with avoiding it? Possibly that, clamping down on the feelings of emptiness and lonliness without shutting off completely. I know for now, I've put that past week behind me as pleasent memories but not to be looked at too closely or they will sting. The future is a closed book, so there is just now. Just deal with the present til I can look up and think of the future again.

But. An empty house and I was allowed to play with my Aneros before bed. I still havent got the hang of this little prostate massager but I am coming to love it. I hooked a cloth over the bit that tucks up behind the balls this time and so didnt get sore from where it poked, just the nice feeling of pressure. To use it you have to relax, breathe, let go of the day and just feel. As a relaxation tool its a good way for me to destress and force me to stop and pay attention to myself. I havent really got the hang of it yet but there were certainly a few times when I felt like I was going to die in a very very nice way and I think I was pretty vocal about the fact. For me... as expressing myself like that is so hard, that has to mean things were starting to go pretty darned well. I know I slept peacefully after anyway.

Goodnight

How much I've written this week? I guess it has been quite an intense packed week emotionally and exprience wise so there has been a lot to think about. I am sure bits of this week will linger with me for awhile... Once again though writing has proved its strength for me in getting things out of my mind.

Today I seriously pissed off my ex-to-be and upset her by changing the plans on her and asking to keep the boy an extra night. After a comment he made last night of not having had my time in the evenings for dinner or bed I wanted to make that right and have one day that was just us and not one where the evenings turned into adult time. So, while I do feel a little bad as I am sure she was so looking forward to having him back, I don't feel that that bad as honestly I've kind of bent over backwards enough and all added up, I get about 1 day of quality time with him a week. We lazed, cuddled, baked biscuits and made sure the house didn't sound so quiet.

So, having just carried him to bed from the couch (where he fell asleep in my arms) I am off to join him.

Good night sweet friends.

Differences of Opinion

Delivered safely to the airport and shoved on a plane back home before she spends her final few weeks there and then is off to the philipines.

I should be asleep but the boy is wide awake and eating breakfast, I had finally got him back to sleep but then the postman rang the doorbell. I think thats kind of decided today, I do NOT think today is the day to go out and try and be sociable!

I finally got to bed about 1am and the shower woke me up about 3. Off to the airport and 4.30 and then home by 6.30. Boy finally back to sleep by 7.00 and now its 8 and I think we are up now. So while he has breakfast I will write whats on my mind.

Last night she and I had a long chat about things. One of the we discussed was how the week was. She admitted how hard she had found it this week at times. The boy can be quite wearing when he get's the chatties, I know he gets to me, so for someone without kids it must have been quite exhausting. Thursday the boy had slapped her arm as I think she said something bad, and I know that shocked her. Its a bad habit he does with his Mum and I. His Mum lets him and I tell him not to, I've never seen him do it to anyone else though so he must have been very comfortable with her and not thought. He doesnt know his own strength though so I really did tell him off. He went really quiet after, as he does when he knows he did something really wrong. So, she found that incident hard. She found the chatties hard. She found his energy tiring. Some of the ways he addressed me. I was glad she admitted them as in a way it made me feel less bad about things. Kind of knowing ALL the things that bugged her let me just sort through them, think about what I agreed with and do try and stop him doing and which ones frankly I think are just down to tolerence and lack of experience with kids. I know this is her home but, he does treat it as his home too (as it is) and so, I am not going to apologise for him just being a little boy. I am very proud of him. Actually know WHAT was going through her mind I found made me very much happier at stop apologising for things and feeling bad about how I looked after him and feel a lot more confident. He is a good boy.

Also, interestingly we discussed an even Wed night when she (at the last minute) was asked out for dinner with a friend and the boy reacted very quietly and sadly, very much as if he didn't quite know how to react when she wasn't going to be there. Last night he got very quiet before bed again, and a little jealous... saying things which I knew he didn't mean after chatting and playing with her earlier. Again it was kind of obvious it was because he had a lot going on in his head and didnt know how to handle it all. Her going, going back to his mum. Lots to take in in one go. She said a very interesting thing. She felt guilty for confusing him, for coming in for the week, being here and letting him get attached and then going again.

I disagreed strongly. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for and while they may get upset at individual things it doesnt stop them enjoying the whole. Holding back so we dont get involved is just denying them the chance to have the good relationships which show us what is good and right. She said it showed how people don't have around... now to me so many adult relationships we get hurt, screwed over, people walk out... I want him to know people can be good and special and that when those relationships change it doesnt HAVE to be for bad reasons and we can remember what we had. I want him to see that the bad ones are the abnormal, not the expected. I want him to have that background. I want him to enjoy it when its there and look forward to them coming back. When people are away I still talk about them. I talk about my best friend to him even when things are quiet between us so he knows she is still there, she still asks after him. I think its too easy to get wrapped up in adult things and forget children need to know that things havent just stopped or people vanished and life does go on.

I see it as a good thing he has learnt to attach so easily and feel so close. If he can keep that he will never have trouble making friends or loving people. I would rather him learn that you can love and love again than to be scared and lonely. We also talked about other things, how shocked she was some of the things I honestly spoke to him about... like if he asks if I am talking to someone on the computer I say yes, and tell him who. He knows most of my online friends by name and to recognise their name. Why lie? Why complicate things? He knows me. He knows enough about them to be interested and ask how they are. He knows enough to know I will not lie to him. He would just worry otherwise. He may say somethings to his mum but, frankly, thats her problem.

*smiles* Daddy really is the nicest word when you know you might fail at some of the day to day things but... but... but... you feel pretty sound in the things you are trying to teach him over time.

Good week

So the week is nearly over and fond memories there will be too. Yesterday the boy and I went upto London again for a second visit. Getting up early I managed to get together a few options for the boy and let him decide. In the end it was the aquarium that got the vote (hell I didn't even know there was one til a friend suggested it). Plans for after included some sightseeing and then a trip along to Hamley's toy store just to oggle and browse and make a late evening of it.

Despite his very long sleep in (yes, I actually got him to go to bed early on a holiday night!) it proved too much though. Between the delays on the train, delays on the tube and general huge crowds we had some tears after we'd been to the aquarium. The queue in probably didnt help and he is even more uncomfortable abou crowds than I am. That I can understand, being elbow height to a tourist cannot be fun. So we cut it short, cuddled on the train on the way home while he napped and then had a nice quiet evening at home. Kinda nice really.

Today has been quiet, I let my landlady borrow the car as hers is now sold and we've sat and cuddled and watched movies. Lazy as hell but lovely to catch our breath. The end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (we've been watching it a little each evening... and Harrison Ford. Yes I would, in a heart beat, he wouldn't even have to beg *purrrr*) such a fun fun movie, he loved it. Followed by the first two Jurassic Parks. Yes, a very boys own kind of day. Of course the bedroom has now been transformed into an animal park with escaped dinosaurs roaming the house while he sat shooting at the screen. Kind of nice. King of lovely in fact. I love seeing his imagination take over.

Tonight, early to bed as 4am its up to take the Lady to the airport and then I won't see her for 6 months. A real shame but it has been a grand old week. No regrets.

Yesterday though, I think I just about exercised what was bothering me when I finally finally worked out what was getting to me and what was just reacting. I struggle sometimes as a Dad, start to ask if I am being a good Dad when he has bad days. I admit this has been a tough week at times, this maybe the first time I've had the boy to myself and at home for the week rather than be away and at times I did struggle. Struggle to keep him entertained, struggle to keep him out of the Landlady's way too much. Struggle to keep up with his energy. On top of this, my Landlady has certain very strong opinions of how a child should talk and behave whilst I do understand her point, and the manners she was brought up with, I did take her correcting him very personally and started to get very defensive and take it as criticism against how I was as a parent - something I am not exactly over-confident of at the best of times. Considering the way the marriage went I think my ex-to-be and I have a lot to be proud of in how this little boy is. With the arguing, violence, general atmosphere... well this boy is pretty special (in my not so humble opinion) and I am just grateful he hasn't suffered too many visible ill-effects of our struggles.

A little different perspective though, and I saw how she was niggled by his use of "he" instead of "Daddy" whereas I was equally if not much more niggled by the fact of her casual swearing when she wasn't thinking. So, suddenly things snap back into position and I am pretty pleased with how this week has gone. I am definitely very pleased with how he's eaten as this was something I was very defensive about last time she was here, she being a wonderful cook whereas... well... I keep us alive and I make sure he has a balanced diet of fruits and vegetables even if much of the main meals are prepackaged. I know how uptight I was last time they were both here, so, that was one thing I really did concentrate on this time and am much relieved that the effort paid off.

So, all in all, things are coming to a close with that happyness tinged with sadness of missing them both. It has been a good good week.

Surprises

Just as I wrote that, (litterally within the minute of posting) I received a sweet text from my best friend showing she was thinking of my son and I.

Its the little things that make life worth living.

Unsettled

I am feeling very uptight and jittery today so I wanted to get it out my system and hope that left me more settled. I am not sure it will but it's worth a try.

Today has been a wet day so we've been kind of around the house except a brief trip around the shops. The boy has been really good, playing, talking, doing stuff together. He really is my little star. Inside though I just feel all at odds with myself. Getting uptight and feeling myself become short-tempered. If I could I'd just go curl up in bed and not get out. I feel like I don't want to be around anyone at the moment. Worse, I am beginning to tell myself again that I *can't* be around anyone or shouldn't be, that I've just been fooling myself and bugging people. Honestly, I just want to run away and hide and not come out.

Maybe suddenly its become too much having people in the house all week and no free space. Maybe I am just tired from these much later nights. Maybe I miss seeing lots of different people at work and am starting to slip back inside my own head and think too much. I don't know but I don't like it and hope I can stop it. I can't and won't run though.

Tip to the wise. Avoid Museums in holidays!

OK, so, going upto London to the museum's in a school holiday. Bad idea. Bad bad bad idea. I think I have had worse idea's but they don't quite come to mind at the moment.

Fortunately, the boy was patient, took standing on the train for the 45mins going up in good humour and we had great fun. When we got to the museum's, the natural history museum was refusing entry as it was overcrowded and there was a 30min queue into the science museum due to the extra time needed for bag searches. We queued patiently, chatted and generally did what we did all day - just enjoyed each others company.

The place was just heaving, so, rather than wander round (as we've been there before several times) we made our way down to the hands on bit which was even worse. We ended up sitting in on three of the different fun science demonstrations for half hour each time. Its so great the boy listens and pays attention and really loves to learn as he had a good time. Fun fun science, bubbles, bridges and explosions. He loved it. After, we made our way home. Still chatting. Tonight he was, to be polite, a little overtired and grumpy. If I wasn't polite I'd say he was a moody little sod. I think the landlady was a little shocked as she has never seen him like this. He is just a little boy and gets tired and grumpy with the rest of them. When he is good he is very very good, when he is tired he is a right pain in the bum. I have to say, I am damn proud of him. I people watch other people with their kids when they are out and some seem to have so much hassle. Beyond the wanting-everything-in-the-gift-shop moments the boy is always grateful for the places he visits and goes wanting to enjoy. Its always a pleasure to take him out and I'm always glad to introduce him to people and know he knows how to behave. The odd tired moments, well, we are very lucky parents.

Hell, I know what I am like when I am overtired so I am not in a position to complain. Staying up late with the landlady this week is probably doing the same to me... This morning I had one of my silly moments when I stopped thinking about how lovely this week was with the both of them and started thinking about next week when both will be gone, in her case for 6 months. Silly silly me, leading to a minor panicked looming deep dark hole of lonliness moment when I got very clingy. These things don't seem to last as long now though, definitely not long enough to stop me from enjoying the moments. Thats a very very good thing.

Oh and as the boy smothered me in kisses and cuddles all day, even in public... I think that counts as a very very very good day and a very happy boy.

Heels

Part of the time while my landlady over here this week has been sorting out her wardrobe to clear me some space in the wardrobes (as she won't be here) and I am afraid I have been totally ruthless with telling her exactly what I think about some of the clothes. Lets just say that some of them date back to 1974 and I am not convinced they were in fashion then... She has took it well though and we've been giggling through it and make a big big dent in stuff she was never ever going to wear. I'm really amazed how much we've achieved, and the boy is a big help or just enjoys the time playing by himself in between the times I've dedicated to him. Its a good family feeling in the house.

She was crowing about her heels and the different height stilleto's she has so I tried on a pair of 1 1/2" heels she was throwing out (as the material is cracking). Amazingly she is the same size of me. After we'd finished laughing at the way I almost killed myself by trying to walk in them (let's say balance is NOT my strong point, just as catching sat nav's isn't)... well I have a very healthy new respect for ladies.

Holidays

Three days already, just where does the time go? I don't know, so a few brief words to remind me.

Saturday, a lovely lazy morning, time chatting with friends, cleaning the house ready for the landlady, a nice nap... then picking her up and a just wonderful evening chatting and laughing and giggling like schoolgirls. I do so love her company and I will miss her so badly. I am above all grateful though that she was so obviously relaxed the moment she got home. It makes me feel I am doing something right.

Sunday and today pretty much the same. Casual, relaxed, the boy here joining in and laughing with us. Doing almost nothing, just playing and talking and enjoying each other.

So far, the perfect holiday. Tomorrow, the boy and I upto London!

Final interviews

I am so very very very tired. The fact IE ate my first beautifully written exposition as I hit "post" doesn't do much to dissipate that. Some days I just hate computers. I could growl more about "I told you so's" except she was right and I am now writing this in an email instead of the browser. Hey I've only been working with these things for 20 years, what do I know? These things never sound right the second time though.

I had to work late last night, still restoring that pesky server which was a grumble, but I was so tired by time I got home from work I gave myself a little break before I started. I'm glad I did, I was hurting and not really in a fit state to start work without making mistakes or hurting more. She tells me she receives everything she wants, and I do trust that even if I can't see it, but I see so much more easily how much she gives me. How much she understands, watches, listens, hears, even if she doesn't say. Last night she saw and made me relax. Left me in a happy relaxed puddly pool of puppy in fact *purrrrrr*. Fortunately that gave me a second wind to get on and get some work done with a vague degree of success, even if it took a lot longer than it would have done if I wasn't so tired.

This morning I had my final interview. It was very strange but productive and I am definitely staying put. A research place, very academic yet the most professional interview I had. A panel interview, very smartly designed technical questioning that I will use if I ever have to interview. It was a good experience. I know I didn't have the skillset they were seeking (linux and performance tuning are not my strong points, I've worked mainly on Solaris for the last 5 years) but I went along just to learn a little more how these things are done and to be more prepared if I ever really wanted to. The job itself would suit a geek a few years out of Uni, happy to take the relatively low salary. I think I would find it frustrating, each academic bid leading to its own admin staff and ways of doing things. Useful experience for the interview and also very useful to know that yes, I really am used to working for the big corporates now.

I showed what a total klutz I was on the way there, I was really lucky not to have an accident but in hindsight it was kinda funny. My sat nav fell off the windscreen and I watched it fall in a graceful arc til it hit my gear selector (i drive an automatic) knocking it out of drive into neutral. In instinctive (stupid) reaction I dive for it, missing, knocking it into reverse. While the car is moving forward. That was quite an impressive grinding noise. How quickly I stopped and switched the engine off to hide all the big red lights was even more impressive. It seems ok but... I think it made my mind up, this car is gonna go. *grin* just the kind of thing to put you in a relaxed mood for an interview :). Not quite as much as not actually expecting to want the job, I admit. That seems a better way to do it.

So. I stay put, but I am glad to have a week off to let that idea settle. Hell I am just glad to have a week off at the moment I really need it as I am tired, tired to the point of exhaustion. That horrible black cloud is lurking there snapping and trying to bite so I'm kicking it away and looking forward to this week ahead. Its half-term break so a whole week with my son. We intend to do some day trips and some time around the house. It should be great, no matter the weather. My landlady comes back tomorrow too for the last time before she moves, so hectic as hell but a good good time. Just finished tidying the house ready for her *grin* just need to hoover and thats it! That can wait til tomorrow though. In fact after this blog everything will wait til tomorrow!

Just one last thing to write about. This morning she surprised me, well left me speechless. We were chatting this morning while I was getting ready to go for the interview and she just casually threw into the conversation that I was going to buy myself a dog bowl. I didn't quite know what to say or to think, so I just gawped a little and went very submissively quiet. Yes I'm a pup and I love scampering around and being playful and I think I've made it clear about my tail and what that means but... I've never understood or really had a desire to take it further, when she mentioned that though. I can't really explain the mindset. If I think of the bowl I go all coldly analytical and dispassionate and stop feeling. So instead I've just let it linger at the back of my mind where it sort of has made a hole to sit in. If I brush my gaze over that thought in my mind I feel a little light headed, tight chested, I can feel the hairs on my arms individually, my skin feeling cold chills and yet burning, crawling, a breeze when there is none and then my toes want to curl and my mind goes quiet and I want to stretch and roll up all at once. I don't understand it, except, I can feel her and her mind and her will and that becomes all that matters. This is so outside of my experience, so outside my understanding and I guess being pushed out of my nice spoilt safe comfort zone. I feel like I am falling but I know I will be caught, just don't know when or how. Its kind of scary, but in a wonderful way. All over such a simple thing? So much of how I am now I don't think about as it has become part of my basic needs and desires. Yes, I feel like a slut inside and my desires are so strong in some directions they get brought up with a simple prod, but they just feel so much part of me now they've been awakened, they are like second nature. This though, this is something totally different. I know its hard to understand the relationship in an online collaring. One day I may write a blog trying to explain, explain what she means to me, explain the whys and whats. Then again, I don't think I could ever do her justice, pin down the so many very facets of her that make her the amazing Lady she is, friend, confident, Owner, so much more, and in the end its that. Its about her and what she deserves. I am a very very lucky pup.

I'm not happy with this blog, the first one sounded better, was much mushier and much more how I felt but... I am tired and now bed.

What I am though, is proud owner of my very first bowl bought from the store on the way home from work.

*shivers*

Calls

Grrrr so I go to the munch and just long enough to buy a southern-comfort and lemonade and my work phone rings. Only 2nd on call but the first on-call isn't answering. I had left my laptop at work on a chance (I mean how often does the second get called out???). That'll teach me. Worse, this was about a server that had been down 3 days so why was it suddenly so urgent for a call out?

Well I agreed to pop into work on the way back home after the install had completed to try and recover the configuration as they insisted it was done tonight.

I was kind of quiet. I listened, I had the call out on my mind. I don't think I was really in a group mode but I didn't feel uncomfortable really, just quiet. Had a nice dinner though. Only thing that was not hard but... noticable was just how much of a different world it is. My experience is all online, they were all talking about this event they had been to or that, or this party or this person that had flogged them or... lots of common shared experiences between them. I guess I couldn't really relate.

I am pleased though how little thought I put into going for the second time. I just did it. Whether its for me I don't know, but just going back without worrying was good for me.

So I went into work, pointed out all the reasons why we didn't have to rebuild the server over night and came home again. Kinda proud of that as a year ago I would probably have just gone along with it and been quietly cross inside. Being calmly confident seems so much better.

Late getting home and now almost finished unwinding so bed calls. Just time to roll my eyes at finding the waterboard have dug up the path at the bottom of the drive for a water leak from the stopcock. Good job I don't have to get the car out in a hurry...

Upsets

My ex-to-be phoned last night, upset. She had been to see a new consultant and they suspect she has liver disease. She had problems previously which led to her being taken off all the anti-depressents originally but it seemed to have got a lot better.

The new consultant seems to have a different view, 80% sure its a problem. All I could do was listen to her and remind her how many times they've been sure of something and then been proved completely wrong. Last thing she needs is to work herself up.

Now a long long wait for all the tests.

Grrrr

Thats me upto date and mind now clear to face what is to come.

My back is killing me so bath and bed. I am not sure if I will even make it to the munch tomorrow as its pretty painful as it has been the last week and my hand cramping. Grrr grrrr why do I need to write to get my head clear when it hurts??

Cat amongst the pigeons

Of course it all then went nuts in the evening when the first job I applied for, the one that started me on all this phoned and asked me for an interview...

Oh god. Oh my. This was the one that I found really exciting first, working on large scale linux grids for a physics research lab. *purrrrrrrrs*

This really has opened the can of worms again. A possibily exciting job, amongst people that want to be there... but the money is not good at all. Close to home.

Hmmmm lots to think of but one thing for sure, I AM going to this interview just to see, and I am well well well chuffed for getting four out of four!!

So, after being hyper as hell all evening I went and fucked my ass to oblivion and curled up purrrring myself to sleep.

Yum!

Decisions

Its an interesting paradox that the more that goes on in life that I have to write about, the less time and inclination there is to do it. I want to though, it does help to see this record of my life behind me so I can see where I have been, how much has changed. Its reassuring and challenging in its own ways. A reminder never to keep still. Change. I never appreciated quite before how much we are always in a constant state of flux. The natural order is movement. So long sitting in one place in supposed comfort made that seem scary, now its more exciting.

Friday. The day of rush. I had to get out of work early in order to get the train home, get changed into my suit and off to the interview. On the train I had a phonecall from one of the agencies, the bad telephone interview. Apparently it wasnt as bad as I thought it was and they wanted to see me the following week. This was such a big boost for me and I went into the evenings interview fairly confidently.

It went well. The technical questions were pretty easy, the management questions I found useful as a learning experience for the future. The job, interesting but not really something that grabbed me. Something I could do if I needed work, but not much more.

From there I went to my ex's to stay over and to see the boy open his presents. It was wonderful seeing his little face as he finally got the Nintendo DS he has been waiting for for so long! We had a good evening playing with it and setting up his Nintendogs and playing before bed. His little face was just a picture of delight. My parents (at my suggestion) had bought him glass tiles to make mosaics which made a good contrast from the computer game.

Sat morning my ex was a bit grumpy so I just kept quiet til I could get time to go. Well quiet and chat quietly via my phone to Mistress to keep my temper calm while the boy was getting ready. Isn't technology great? The most wonderful morning then with the boy and one of his 8 year old girlfriends. We went bowling and then pizza. This is the first time I've got to see him with one of his new friends and it was lovely. Nearly perfect in fact.

The afternoon, a big big surprise. The agency from Friday evening phoned to say they had really liked my interview and wanted me back for a second one.

I was shocked, I thought I would get a second one but not to get asked on a Sat! It left me feeling pretty confident, something I havent felt about work for a long time but made my decisions harder.

The rest of the weekend was nice and quiet. Chatting. Game playing. Cuddling. Started a new mosaic together. Cooked dog biscuits, half of which we got ready to send to my best friends puppy. A weekend to enjoy each other, make the most of his birthday weekend and the time alone. I have him from Sunday for a week while he is on his break mid-term but my landlady will be over for the week packing up ready to move. We will make lots of day trips out and have a lot of fun I am sure but I wanted to make the most of the time we had this weekend :).

Once he was gone, done to some serious thinking about the job. Well other stuff too but once I was thinking again, down to the thinking. I was stressing quietly and needed to make my mind up what direction I was going in. Finally, Monday morning it all kind of came clear and I emailed all three jobs withdrawing my application.

A very very wise Lady asked me if I would still think any of these were my dream job in a years time. Honestly, no I couldn't. Even more telling, the commute was not something I could do so I would have had to move. I finally finally came to the conclusion I didnt want to move for a job I didnt really get excited about. If I move, I want to move to somewhere i want to live, not just because of work.

So that was that, leaving me fairly quiet for the rest of the day. I had learnt a lot though, learnt I was better than just grasping a job out of frustration. Learnt I am in demand and am not as trapped as I thought. I can interview well. I have a good CV. Its a good place to be.

Blogs

I want someone to invent a machine to transcribe my thoughts as I walk to the train station each morning. Then I'd be the most prolific blogger alive, rather than one that gets to work and has forgotten all those amusing anecdotes that kept me so entertained inside my head.

Accents

Apparently (as two people have told me recently) I type in a very American style (whatever that means) and have had to prove my accent is still there when I talk. I blame being online since about 91, but its not a bad thing as I do kind of have a very big soft spot for our cousins over there (there is something about the mix of accents *purrrr*). But, to redress the balance, this is an impassioned appeal for more brits to contact me and say hi so I can relearn our native tongue before its too late. Of course then I'd be in danger of losing my geekness and actually having met my five closest friends.

Interviews

Two interviews down and now space to think about them. Last night it was really too much and too close to put anything like sane thought to it. The first interview went well, more like a casual chat than anything else. Techie to techie starting with the "well you obviously know Solaris so I wont ask anything much" and degenerating to swapping anecdotes, comments on the equipment they used and various techniques. Nice. The HR interview after pretty similar, we'd worked for the same company and left for pretty much the same reason and my CV shows i've worked for both large and small companies so can adapt to the formal and informal as business dictates. I am kind of a chameleon like that. I'm also used to working under my own initiative and not needing to be told what to do. Find something that needs fixing, fix it, make sure it stays fixed.
So, they told me in as many words they will make me an offer just need to work out what it is. I wait and see.

The telephone interview straight after went badly. I don't like them anyway, technical phone interviews and I could tell from her voice there were big gaps in what I was saying. I made a few kick yourself after mistakes (you know how somethings are so obvious you just do them without thinking?) and (being a large company) they were very focussed on what they do all the time which didnt match what I do all the time. Not that I couldn't learn but... I think they want someone that can just do it NOW. No time to learn. So I don't expect a second interview from that one.

So now lots of thoughts. The new small company, lower salary, more challenges, more responsibility, hands on dirty with lots of technologies. I know I'd live and breathe it. It would be all consuming in the week with the boy at the weekends. I've been there and done that before. Or... where I am now. Large, well paid, not so much expected, frustrating in its red tape, little holes to find things to do. Flexible hours, healthcare, pension, all the big company benefits. Something I can get away from at night except when I choose to. I wonder if I am beyond that living for the job thing, if I should be striving to fill those out of work hours with meaningful things rather than going back to the old ways. I wonder if its healthy for me. I wonder too about the commute as it felt a long long journey driving and my back was aching after it, I do like that walk in the mornings now, the lack of hassle of the trains (well except them not turning up). My back does play up and I am not sure how it would take to driving over an hour each way each day.

Much to think about and now another interview Friday evening and suddenly out of time to do all the things I have to do!

But tomorrow is my boys birthday, so after it all I will relax and forget about it for a little.

Happy weekend all!

Beast

I looked at her lustfuly, growling inside as I did every day. She was cute that was sure, if a little smartassed mouthy. Hell I liked that too, it reminded me of me just in a more extreme way. Made me wonder what it would be like for the words to stop and other delightful sounds to come from her. She was petite, smaller than me hard as that was to believe.

I couldn't remember when I'd first mentioned her to my Owner, ages ago probably as I just tend to ramble about everything. I know I'd been teased unmercifully since then, little suggestive comments before we went upto her little deli, making me growly like this, so aware of her femininity. Wondering if the bad thoughts in my mind made it out through my eyes, or if they were hidden behind my nice smile. The thoughts I had of her, what I would do if I had chance, trying to chat and not stutter or go red as I thought of sliding a hand up her backside, peeling off her uniform, grabbing her by that little tie she wore and pulling her forward...

I shook my head knowing I wasn't listening, that I'd got distracted again. My Owner had told me to flirt with her and now it came almost naturally. A little lopsided grin to her to set her off in one of her own in response. A little wave as I went past if I saw her doing something. I'm sure I was painfully transparent but I didn't really care. In fact as I growled at the back of my throat I didn't really care about much. Today was worse than normal, I'd been teased all morning, little comments dropped in my ear, little suggestions, reminders of what I wanted to do. I closed my eyes for a moment to get control, only to open them and find her looking at me strangely, head half cocked watching.

It was then my Owner came up behind me, giving the girl a friendly little smile. It was quiet, empty in fact, the day just winding down and coming to closing time. She came up behind me, pressing herself into my back, arm slipping round to run a hand down my chest and then close over my cock and balls through my trousers. So casually done and yet such an obviously possessive gesture. I arched instinctively rubbing back against her, cheek pressing up against hers as I squirmed in her embrace, forgetting where I was and responding to her touch as I had been trained. Parting my legs, giving her easy access to me, thrusting my hardening cock into her grasp as she started to rub it through my clothes. Moaning audibly as I writhed in her grip. "Open your eyes pup" she purred. I did, in shock, suddenly remembering where I was as I saw the black clothed figure still standing before me. Open mouthed now, watching as I was unzipped, hand slipping inside to stroke.

The look in the girls face wasn't of disgust though, she didn't run... it was something else in her eyes as she flicked her hair back. "See pet, I told you..." was the growled response in my ear, making me moan more, not to mention the deliberately slow stroking of my cock. All those teases, all those fantasies came straight to my mind now as the lust within me grew. A tug in my hair, a matching tug of my cock.. and then hands pulled back leaving me standing there wanting. Panting. Needing. The little growl in my ear all the encouragement I needed. Moving upto the sweet little thing, everything else forgotten... making her backup against the worksurface where she served her coffee. I placed my hand between her thighs, lifting her upwards so she had to lean back on the table for support, then my free hand against her cheek, cupping it, thumb pressed against her lips, parting them, feeling her tongue. I didn't even think then she might run away, there was no thought. I needed her. I wanted her. Unbuttoning her top, exposing her bra to the air, thumb still pressed into her mouth, moving her head back to expose her neck... letting me lean forward to lick obscenely down the length, down her shoulders and drag my teeth between her breasts, being rewarded with a sigh from her. Dragging her trousers quickly down so they hung around her ankles, pulling them off. Kissing back up her thighs, belly, licking an obscene wet trail. My hands slipped under her thighs, nails digging in and lifting her up onto the table, bum perched on the edge. I dropped down instinctively, the hunger all that mattered now and rubbed my mouth over her silky panties, inhaling the scent of her arousal and the barest taste of the wetness beneath. Just wanting to climb up and mount her, fuck her, but holding back barely instead standing up, pressing into her to rub my hard crotch against her... thrusting through our clothes as she responded, reaching back to me.

Growling I reached over taking her tie in my hand and pushing it back, forcing her to lie back, arching her breasts to me. Holding her there as I reached for her breasts, squeezing them and pushing myself against her. Reaching over I grabbed the last pot of warm milk for the latte's, pouring a little froth over her breasts and tummy, watching with delight as she squeeled at the warm touch on her skin. Squeeling more as my mouth took its place, hungrily lapping up the liquid from the thin material and from her tummy. Probing my tongue into her belly button and roughly fucking it as I so wanted to take her. Looking up between her breasts I saw my Owner now, stroking the girls hair whispering in her ear as she took the tie from my hand, holding her there for her beast. Hands free I pulled aside her panties, stroking her lips as I licked... then hand slapping down against her bare thigh. She arched her hips in shock, pushing my fingers into her making a louder gasp. Twisting my fingers in her cunt I could feel how wet she was now, stroking inside her as she writhed... then slapping down again to redden her skin. Mouth moving now to take place of fingers, tongue lapping and drinking, first slowly between the swollen lips and then harder, faster, over and over til she squirmed against my face. Eaten by me, my Owner's voice in her ear driving her onwards.... irresistable, nails dragging down her sides, then hands on her breasts.... touching wherever I could til she bucked and climaxed against my open mouth. I would have my little bitch... not giving her time to recover, rolling her over onto her tummy, rubbing my hand over her slick pussy and bringing it up against her ass, massaging them with those juices, teasing her little pucker and then pushing a finger tip into her squirming body. Pushing it deeper, then pulling free to her moans... fucking her slowly as I undid my trousers, letting them drop to the floor, underwear quickly following.

Nothing left now but lust, looking up and seeing my Owner's eyes locked on mine hisssing yessss as she caressed the pretty blonde pigtails, my hard cock resting against her cheeks. Spreading those cheeks with my hands.. cock head pressing against her.. grunting at the resistance and concentrating rocking back and forth, my sweet little girls ass resisting, then slowly.. slowly.. giving.. each press opening a little more, feeling her take the head of my cock til, with a grunt from me and a low drawn out moan from her.. it slipped in. Panting, not wanting to hurt her I rocked back and forth, moving it, driving deeper and deeper with each motion, til finally buried deep into her ass. Not caring now, no thought except release.. wanting to cum inside her as I lost control... thrusting deep and hard now, clinging onto her hips and reaming her ass.. each thrust making my balls slap against her cheeks, groaning as each tight thrust made my balls ache more, eyes shut, concentrating... over and over again, sweat mingling, the sounds from beneath me just building upto the moment. Finally, finally when I thought I could take no more I heard those words "cum for me" and loud growl passing over all... almost lost as my cock exploded, spasming and shooting hot slick cum within that ass... making it suddenly wet and slick. The body beneath me spasming in response, also obeying those words, clenching in wave after wave, milking my cock dry... panting... chest heaving, the sound of my heart in my ears I finally reopened my eyes to see the flushed face of my Owner before me, stil caressing the girls cheek. Just in time for her faintly mocking words... "I think you'd better help her clear up pet, she seems to have made a bit of a mess".

More Ex.

My ex phoned me in near tears last night. I think she was too scared to actually cry. One of her ex-friends had threatened to make the most hurtful accusation against her and it totally freaked her. Understandably. It had pretty much the same effect on me. Reminded me just how fragile our lives are to the whims and fancies and hatreds of those around us. Sometimes its almost like a house of cards waiting for someone to come knock it down.

I have to say though, I am pretty proud of how she handled herself. It gives me a lot lot more hope for the future.

Minor panic

Oh my god I am so nervous.

I've got two interviews this week. I haven't had a job interview in 5 years. I haven't had a technical interview in all the time too! So now I have a telephone interview sometime in the next few days and a face to face interview Wed.

Oh god oh god oh god.

Time for panic cramming tonight.

Just remember... just remember. You do NOT need this new job, you can just carry on as you are.

*panics quietly*

Changes

I'm feeling very unsettled this week. It's a week of change or the start of change and I have to admit thats one thing I don't deal with well. OK yes, so there are a lot of things I don't deal with well, but change is the current one at the top of the list. For this week anyway.

Where to start. The beginning of the week saw an unfortunate exchange of words with my closest friend. She was hurt, lashed out I think after the most terrible thing had happened to her that day. It was not pleasent. Accusations flung. Left a bad taste in my mouth, especially after I found out what had been going on. I don't really know where I stand - from one day sending friendly texts to the next, that. I don't know if it was the accusations which hurt, or the thought I had been spied on or just not really knowing how she thinks of me. I do know it got to me though, despite trying not to let it. I was on edge and snapped at a friend much later in the week when they mentioned her. I don't think I quite realised til then how it was niggling away. I probably needed to let that out to be honest so I could just step back and get on. Since then, things have been friendly but distant.

Workwise I have to say this was the week from hell. Any week when there is more than one morning where you walk in and get jumped on at 7.10am with servers broken is not a good week! Any week where one of those breakages is someone in your teaming doing it for the second week in a row is certainly not good! I won't even go into what happened when we finally found out what he had been doing. Let's just say the week was so bad we'd all agreed the pub was mandatory at lunch and the double-vodka and orange i'd been encouraged to drink may not have made me the most patient person in the world... Well, I was polite and stuff, just maybe a little direct. I guess he is probably scared of me again. This was before we got into the project management grief. Oh my.

But.. but.. all the change wasn't bad, just... lots of it. A guy I used to work with asked me a question and I fascetiously said I'd only answer if he had a job. Well. There's a good likelihood I will have an interview next week now... By end of the week I'd applied for another two jobs and heard back from both agencies. They are so very different, I've got a lot to think about.

One a small company, do everything, work all the hours, take a pay cut... One a huge multinational, be part of something which you can't get more well known as, have an equivalent salary. Such complete ends of the spectrum. So much to consider, the travel, the financials, the type of work, the hours. How to make these decisions? How to keep confidence that I really could do these jobs? Minor panic panic.

Then... the best news but also the hardest to take. My sweet dear landlady friend finally got the break she hoped for and will be moving with her partner a long long way away. I am so so so pleased for her but I am going to so miss her too. It has been a wonderful thing her little visits every now and again and they have done me the world of good, given me so much confidence as well as great company. Part of me suddenly panics at the loss of my friend, one of the closest I have had for a long time... but part of me see's the opportunity too, especially that this place will be mine in a way I never saw it as. Scary as that is... its basically mine. The boy can have her room while he is here. It's scary, its an unknown future again with a safety net removed. It's what I make it again.

There is so much changing suddenly, all at once. Suddenly so many unknowns.

I guess I know two things. One is her. Two is, I have a really really nice ass.

Cleaning...

This was not what I had intended to write tonight. Tonight was for the beast. But... but... this one has been waiting for so long to come out, it demanded to be first. The beast is there, tugging on its leash growling for whatever it can reach...

---

I stood before her, quivering slightly. Naked, of course. There wasn't really any other way to be with her. Naked in body, but that wasn't anything special now I'd recognised what an exhibitionist slut I was, how much I liked my body being seen by her. No, more than that I was naked in mind and spirit. Every thought, feeling, desire, need exposed for her amusement.

My tail didn't count. By now the tail was just part of me. Just at the thought of it I moved my hips, an unconscious purrr coming from my lips at the way it made it shimmy against my cheeks, the barest flick of the tip against the back of my knee. MMmmmm yes, my tail, the fullness in my ass of the beautiful wooden plug, the warmth as it fell between my cheeks, the way she loved to wrap her hand around it and stroke it, an instantly always available leash when she wanted to move me. I clenched my butt, the little motion making the tail retract a little before settling back down. Oh yes, she loved her tail and the things it could do.

She smiled at me, that little mysterious half smile that showed me she had things in mind that I didn't know, and that she liked it that way. "Come on now pet, hurry up" as she turned and walked off, her heels clicking on the wooden floor, drawing my attention to them. I never used to understand why people had a thing about feet or shoes, not until I met her. Now, now well. She is my fetish but her feet are just a special fetish of their own. I shook my head as I realised I'd gone into a daze, the little click click hypnotic. I scampered quickly to catch up, making my tail swing behind me with a delightful motion of its own.

We walked up the stairs. Normally she would have made me walk first, wanting to see my little butt before her so she could pinch or grope or just comment but no. Not today. I may have imagined it but I could swear she walked deliberately slowly so her ass swayed in front of my face. Heels and that delicious rear all in a few moments, my cock had assumed that semi-hard state that seems to come so naturally now in her presence. The fact that each upward step made the plug move in my butt didn't exactly do anything to dissuade this reaction. Any suggestion that I deliberately misplanned my chores so I had to walk up and down the stairs like this would be strongly denied.

We finally made it to the bedroom, she sat down, uncrossing her legs and smiling, patting for me to join her on the bed. I sat down, gingerly, curling up the tail underneath me so it curled under my balls. She laughed when she saw this, giving it a little playful tug making me squirm. Smiling more she reached under the bedspread to pull out a little velvet pouch and hefted it in her hand, making sure my full attenion was on it. Satisified she tipped out the contents onto her other hand, lifting it to my face so I could see. It looked like five metal rings of decreasing sizes, all joined by a single leather strap, it too ending in a small little D ring. She slipped one ring onto her finger and twirled it round on her finger, mockingly, showing how loose it was, barely missing my nose as she did so. "What do you think, pet" she growled in my ear, pressing herself close to my side, making me feel her warmth against my body. My cock twitched automatically in resposne to her closeness drawing a happy peel of laughter from her lips. "Now now pet, don't get too excited or we won't get you all in place, will we?" she teased with a mocking smile, knowing that would just make me think more about what I couldnt do, hardening.

Laughing she dropped the thing in my lap, the cold metal rings on my thighs. "I think you had better do it pet, if I go near you I think we may have to force it a little.. and I don't want to break my toy". She stopped and paused for a moment, her lips twisting into a leering suggestive smile before purrring out "yet...".

I gulped, reaching down to take her new contraption in my hand, turning it so the largest of the rings was closest to me. I knew what it was, I'd heard of them if never having seen one. Slipping the gates over my cock and down, pulling the largest of the rings so it slide under my balls, the others fitting into place over my semi-stiff cock, the leather strap across the top, holding them in place as they looked a little large and ridiculous around my cock. She smiled again, satisified with my positioning, reaching between my legs with that confidence that comes from owning my body, knowing I would instinctively part my legs and lean back exposing myself to her touch. Her fingers crawling underneath, teasing my balls, one nail stroking between them, seperating them and then pushing up so they rolled either side of her fingers. Her nail pushing back to stroke the soft skin just behind, eliciting an instant moan from me, rocking back on my hands so I could push into her touch. My cock reacted instantly of course, just as I'd been trained. Hardening fast, growing with the rings til they fitted snuggly around it. She carried on her gentle exploration, probing, caressing, playfully cupping me in her hand and then releasing.

I groaned more at this, beginning to be lost in the gentle way she held and moved me, cock twitching, til... my eyes snapped back open as I looked down at the first hint of the rings digging into my engorged cock. I could feel them biting into the swollen flesh. The more they seemed to dig in, the tightness biting, constricting, the more my cock seemed to want to grow. I could see the little bloodvessels standing out... the hard metal rings now seeming painfully small as they dug into my cock, making it feel uncomfortably restricted and swollen. I began to see now why they called them the gates of hell, and this was with the very barest of stimulations.

She smiled again, clearly delighted by the way it caged my cock. hooking her finger under that D ring at the end of the strap she gave a little tug. This pulled all the four rings on my cock pulling the skin, the largest ring under my balls pulling up tight and making me arch with need. Still... still it just seemed to inflame it, the rings now biting, forcing a delightful agony. She reached again beneath the bed spread, pulling free a little leash with a tiny tiny clip this time. Not for my collar, no, too small for that. Instead, she quickly clipped it onto the ring, the other end strapped around her fingers.

She stood... giving my now leashed cock a quick tug with the lead, making me almost fall off the bed in my haste to stand up. The pain seemed agonising for the speed of it, a deep hard ache being left in my balls as the rings dug deeper and pulled on my balls. I moaned. Couldnt stop moaning as they encompased me, my mind falling to that place as she led me back from the room. Little swift tugs to keep me moving onwards, quick sharp flicks with her wrist dragging my cock out obscenely before me. Leading me back downstairs like the slut I was. Shed always joked that a little slut like me was led by his cock first, sniffing out whatever it could. Now she proved it. The little knowing smirk on her face made me know that was exactly what she was thinking, I just moaned more. She led me round the house, pulling me behind her like the slutty pup I've always been, the rings pulling the smooth hairless skin as I moved.. stroking me with a vicelike grip. My knee's felt weak almost as if the blood had rushed to a different spot...

She chuckled again as she looked down, seeing the little sticky trail drooling down my cock as she led me around and around in a little circle, each tug making it drip down obscenely onto the wooden floor. "Oh my, little pet, and you've just cleaned too, better clean it up before someone slips...". She left the words there hanging in the air, letting the leash go a little slacker, knowing I had no way to get a cloth. Only one way presenting itself I fell to my knee's, bowing my head to pressing my mouth to the floor. Shuffling around, lapping at the sticky trail on the floor I did my best to clean it, the salty tang burning on my tongue... making me more aware of the heavy balls and cock between my legs. I could feel her knee's pressed against my side, the cock leash dangling, just another weight on my cock, pulling it towards the floor... making me dribble more mess as fast as I cleaned. Such an awkward position, wanting to sprawl out to get closer to the floor but unable to, rolling my face to press my cheek hard. I could hear you laughing above me making me more desperate to show I could do it.

"Want some help pet?" you chuckled. I gave a little desperate nod, thinking maybe you'd let go of the leash but instead... I felt you shift, lifting a foot and pressing it down on the back of my neck.. pushing me against the floor, my neck caught between the sole and heel... grinding my face into the wood, cheek mashed in. I couldn't help but groan, feeling you twist your foot to move my face into my sticky trail, no longer able to lick but being forced to use my face as a cloth. The little tugs on my cock resuming now... my breath forced panting from my mouth...

I could tell by the way my cock was leaking behind me it was going to take a long long time to clean this... By the little evil chuckle behind me as you twisted your foot I knew that was exactly what you were hoping...

Who is the kid?

So. Change of plans. The boy phoned up in tears, missing his Daddy. Its got to him that he misses me and that only two kids in his square don't have a Daddy with them all the time. We chatted, he sounded a little happier then I sent him for his bath.

Ex on the phone though is being very self-pitying, "what have i done wrong that he is upset, i havent done anything bad...". So very much against herself. Why can't it just be he had a good weekend and misses me? Now she is blowing it all out of proportion. How she reacted... he now wants to come live with me full time and see her at weekends. Big pity-party brewing from the ex, so I am afraid I hung up on her. I really do not have to listen to her anymore now when she does this. She is the adult. He is the child. Its about time she realised this.

Final thoughts

Thinking back on what I've written tonight, it all feels so much different to how I was writing just a few weeks ago. I am amazed at how much more positive it is, and I feel. My counsellor was very right when she said I could choose how I saw things... Do I see that the house is now empty and I am alone, or do I see I had a wonderful two weeks with a friend and now have chance to enjoy the solitude?

I know which of those I want. So... I have my glass of cider. A DVD to watch. I'm nicely freshly shaved. I can wander round the house totally nekkid. I can try my new toy.

Wooohooo!

Parting

I dropped the landlady off yesterday for her trip back home. It has been a glorious two weeks with her. We have become so much closer as friends, understanding and accepting each other even if we don't always agree. We have giggled like schoolgirls, sat quietly watching tv and dozing and spent hours putting the world to rights. I ate too much, as normal. Two wonderful weeks.

I didn't feel like coming back here to an empty house with the boy afterwards, to mope and feel something was missing... so spur of the moment drove down to my parents on the coast. It was great to spend an unhurried day with them, even if i did end up having to fix their PC. Still, its kind of a tradition, fixing their PC everytime I go down :). The boy and I got back very late last night but it was just perfect. Today we cuddled, talked, played, popped out for a car boot that never happened, got wet giggling round the market, had lunch... Neither of us wanted it to end. It used to feel such a strain at weekends, trying to keep him amused, wanting it to be good so he wanted to come here, making it drag on and on and feel more tired by the end of the weekend. Now though... now it goes so quick I can't believe its been. Sunday evenings were the hell of loneliness when the house became silent. Now its a quick chance to get my breath back before work and the house still feels filled with his laughter. I miss my friend, my landlady, but... all I can feel is the warmth she brought to this house, not her abscence.

This is such a nicer place to be.

Bad day at work, but happy smile?

Its been an interesting week at work. More personality clashes. Well. We have a charming individual in our team that delights in complaining about lack of communication or being included in things. If suggestions are made he will shoot them down, he will never make a positive suggestion on it though. He will always complain about what we are not doing, very rarely take the initiative on finding better ways. I know I am not always right but... if I see a problem I try to find a way to fix it or at least make it easier in the future. I may not always come up with the best idea but any attempt is better than just not trying. If someone has a better idea then I'm all ears and am not too proud to discard what I think. I do object to just being told WHY my idea won't work though with no attempt at something else instead.

If you try and pin him down on something you will get excuses, complaints, delays, all the things he complains about from others. A set of emails midweek had me so livid I ended up having to walk out to get a coffee to regain my cool. Fortunately I didnt have any money on me so this involved a 20min walk to get some! I had to laugh more when I finally got back to buy my coffee and he was in the queue in front of me... These things are sent to amuse and amuse it did. I like feeling in control, that I can decide how I react and what I do. It makes so much difference.

So, I removed myself from the annoying situation, didn't get into a flame war, was professional, calm... and it gave me the incentive to make sure I did apply for that job I had seen. I don't think it will go anywhere but now I have enough written down to update my CV and consider my options properly. Bad things at work just ending up making me giggle? Oh my now that is a change. Last time things were like this I wrote a story about wanting to be flogged...

Bitchy and defensive

The ex was in a funny mood tonight. She shocked me by being home this morning, I thought she was going to stay overnight at her "friends" place. That was the plan anyway. Instead she ended up driving home and getting back later than us, about 11.30pm.

I asked her if she was ok, she said yes... i asked why she was back (just concerned) and she said she didnt want to stay, didnt think it would work and that he was "weird". If i had a pound for every time she said that on a second date I would be able to afford my own house. Did mean I didn't hang around long, she felt very picky... changing her mind on things we had already agreed, just generally very defensive and looking for things to assert herself over. Just for a change money came up.

You know, I am SO glad i don't actually have to like that woman anymore, it makes being polite and friendly so much easier.

The boy

My boy has changed so much in the last few months. He is getting so independent, its seems to have happened so suddenly he's always out wanting to play with his friends, play games by himself. Just little things. I expected this. What I didn't expect was what else has happened...

He is so much more cuddly when HE feels the need now. He was always affectionate but its so much more. He'll come curl up on my lap, just spontaneously hug me, blow me kisses when we talk on the phone. It's lovely. Last night, down at my parents, we ended up curled up on one of the beds watching tv and he decided he just wanted to rub my back while we watched, tucked up behind me. It's almost like now he knows what he wants to do, he also wants me closer to share it.

The last couple of weekends he's told me he wished the weekend were longer, so he could spend time on me. He is going to a beaver/scout funday next Sat and asked if I'd pick him up after and bring him back here, so he didnt miss anytime with me that he didnt have to.

Our relationship is changing and its beautiful, I'm beginning to feel like his friend as well as his Dad. On the drive yesterday we talked about school and he told me about the gang of girls that had egged on some older boys to fight with him and a couple of his other friends as they are all so much younger. We've talked about so many things this weekend before I finally shut him up by sitting on him and having a playfight. When that happened I thought... just wow, this is going to be great.

These are just such special special times.

Rain

The rain today has been amazing. Hard showers, brilliant sunshine, drizzle, you name it, its done it. The kind of rain that you can't see the hand in front of your face and all you can hear is the sound of it bouncing off the windows and roof. I love it, except driving back to Didcot was certainly... interesting... on the flooding country roads.

Am I the only on that wants to strip off and go dancing out in the rain, feeling it sting as it hits my naked body?

Quiet thoughts

Its sunday, its quiet, the house is peaceful, the laundry is done and finally time to sit down and write some thoughts. Its weird, I used to hate this time of the week, now I look forward to it. When did the weekend start going so quick?