Children

Sometimes being a parent is exhausting, sometimes its exhilarating, sometimes its terrifying and you feel helpless. Sometimes you just feel proud and as like you've really done well.

I picked up my boy from drama yesterday and he was in the gabbling a 1000 words a minute mood, spitting out words about school yesterday as something was on his mind. We pulled over at the nearest McDonalds and shared a happy meal between us (frugal! heh) so he could sit and talk and I could listen properly. He talked about school, it was a bit mixed up and garbled but he obviously needed to talk it out. Once he had finished and looked a bit huffy but spent we talked about other things, our coming up trip to San Francisco and I told him his cousin was coming with us. He was so excited about that his face just lit up!

When we got back to the car my cell rang and it was a friend in tears. He sat happily playing next to me while I talked to her. He didn't fuss at all, I was so proud of him. He just made little comments like who is it, is she alright. He also sounded very surprised and said "Daddy how come you are so practical" at what I was saying to her on the phone. Heh. I thanked him after for giving me the time to talk to her and he said that was ok. Such a lovely little boy!!

Today we had to do homework, and that ended in tears of frustration (his, not mine!). Fractions and he just wanted to guess answers. So tears, stomping, anger, and I told him to go to his room for 5 mins to calm down. He did, he came out, he still didn't want to listen but I sat down with him and showed him how to work through a couple of them and this time he actually started listening and not just getting frustrated as he "couldn't do it". After a few he started giggling and laughing. I didn't QUITE get an "oh this is easy" but I could tell he was thinking it. In the end he finished them all happily and all the tears and anger were gone.

It made me proud of myself in a way, that I had been patient with him and persisted, and I had seen the reward of his giggling and being comfortable with it. It also made me very proud of my little boy that despite the tantrums occasionally, he is such a special little boy.

Public Geekery

Last night I went to an OpenSource user group up in London (don't worry if you don't know what that means, assume its technicaly geekery of an extreme manner and you are not far off). Yes, a bunch of geeks meeting to voluntarily listen to more geekery after work in their own time just because its itneresting. It's the first time I've been and I came VERY close to finding excuses to not go or chicken out at the last moment, but I went in anyway. I find groups really hard, especially groups of strangers but knowing we were all there because we were interested made it a bit easier.... especially as it wasn't just a chatting thing but to listen to someone give a presentation on something I found pretty interesting. Wine and beer was supplied before, with a very nice hot meal after. The presentation was great and by the general cohesiveness of geeks other people on their own kind of gravitated together and said hi and then started talking about things often half-incomprehensible to me (since I am a SysAdmin, not a developer). In that situation though, being quiet and listening wasn't QUITE as uncomfortable as it is elsewhere as it was actually interesting... and when things moved to more my area then I could express opinions. So it wasn't easy but I had fun and it was definitely worth the late night after all the travel and I am glad I did it.

It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.

Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny

I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!

Trains

There are three basic things I expect travelling by train in the UK:

1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.

I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.

Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.

BUT

Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...

Following on from my pride post, one of my awardees (hmmm do I have to give them a prize?) helpfully posted something which totally shows why I said this about them.Go read It has been almost a year since............................ Showing just how far one woman can come in a year. For anyone that pooh pooh's the value of friends you've met online, or even what sites like ALT can do. This is how much difference your support of one person can make. I hope we all think about that next time we look at something and say "shall I email or not?".Alan

Smelly Feet

I have smelly feet. Well actually I have a smelly foot. A left smelly foot to be totally precise.

It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.

I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???

Pride

At the turn of the new year I read several blogs with a common theme. Reviewing the year and saying thankyou to those that had made a difference in their lives that year. I thought about this, but hopefully I said thanks throughout the year... and if I didn't, you totally have my permission to come over and spank me in person. If you don't have my address come ask me ;-).

So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.

Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.

ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.

Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.

So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.

Christmas and Stuff

A new year, and one I am glad of. With the pressure of Christmas off things seem to be much less stressful. Is it bad to think that? That Christmas being over is a relief? In the end I relaxed over it, and stopped being so hung up on the whole family thing, but it still felt like work... and work for other peoples sake. Rushing around, doing the Christmas thing. Turning up at the right places at the right times. Making sure cards and presents were sent off... I am glad I regained my sense of humour over it though. Several of the presents I sent to the USA were a little ummmm worse for wear when they arrived. Well, one arrived as just the wrapping paper.... But it made me laugh and they laughed with me. I guess it really is the thought that counts!

My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.

After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.

Goals

I made a comment to a very dear friend today that I was feeling somewhat aimless and wondering where life was going. Like it wasn't really going anywhere. She, in her usual practical way said "well set some goals then". I can't really argue with her, heh, her bluntness is rather unarguable especially as she is always right. She showed me a goal list a friend of hers had written, of things to achieve in the next year. So we agreed, between us, that we would both make a list of things we wanted to do by next March.

It has to be fun things, things we want to do but havent done or have held back from. Fun things, not "i'll get fit" but things which we want to have done, experienced, learnt, seen... things that maybe changes in our lives will help us achieve... so the ends not the means.

I find this terrifying as its instantly made me feel fearful, so hence this blog, to examine why. Its a good thing, to address these.

I am scared of what I want sounding stupid, of it showing up how stupid I am, or how little I have done in life that people take for granted, how my upbringing was stunted and cossetted and sheltered. Showing how little I know and can do.

I am scared of change, but mainly because I am scared of failure. Of not being able to do things.

So that's there. A big fear of failure so fearing wanting goals. ime to start dreaming a little Alan...

Review

This afternoon was my 6month review for being on Citalopram. I put it off to the last moment (i.e. needing a repeat prescription and being nearly out of pills) as I wanted to try and work out what to say. No, before you say I wasn't just procrastinating. I really was trying to work out what I wanted to say.

I'm glad I did as it was the normal routine. I went in, she asked how I was, I said how things had been. She wanted to know how I wanted to carry on. I said I thought counselling would be a good next step... she said probably yes, asked what sort of things I might want to try and deal with. I said relationships. Groups. How I react to things because of my self-esteem/insecurity. She said fair enough, so I asked what was available. They have a counsellor attached to the surgery but her waiting list is closed as she has too many patients and too many on the list. The counsellor does accept patients privately though so she suggested that as an option, so I have her card. I asked for advice on the different types of therapy and she explained a couple of the types, so I have a better idea.

The other thing I asked about was a light box and she said it couldn't hurt if I felt cooped up all the time and I had suffered a lot last winter... so she said to look on the internet at prices.

Before I left, she asked about the medication, if I wanted to carry on or consider changing it. I said yes carry on, and she said fine, she would probably have suggested spring anyway before coming off if I was worried about the winter. So that's it... Another 6 months of repeat prescriptions.

Never

Never let anyone define you by telling you "what you are" even if couched in terms of being in your best interest. Don't let them limit your possibilities.

Never let anyone tell you how to think. Don't let them limit your mind.

Never let anyone tell you how you should feel. Don't let them limit your emotions.

Never let anyone tell you how to live your life. It's yours to make mistakes, have successes, to laugh, cry, to experience, to live.

Thunder (day two)

Thunder day two. Yes, I know its been months, but I am slow. This will be briefer as I am getting tired, heh, and have 30mins remaining on the battery here... It was also awhile ago, and I don't want to bore everyone. I'd never been to one of these things before and didn't know what to expect. One of my friends was going through a rough time and that made things a little complicated in the group (and I am SO proud of you for getting yourself together again petal, you are a good girl and a good friend and next time we get together things will be so much better). I was lucky enough to wear my dragon collar with Ms Jolie's tag on for the weekend. Two of the lectures stick out to me. The first two I went to. The first was service with a smile, for all us service subs out there that get up in the morning and have a "well f*ck you" moment when we are grumpy and don't really want to do whats been asked of us. It was packed. It was funny. It was witty. It was true. It was heart felt. It was practical. It didn't hide from those tired upset ill moments. It didn't pretend just get on with it. I looked around all all these wonderful kinky people and felt a kindredness to them. Boys, Girls, TV, TG. Straight, gay, bi. Subs, pets, slaves. All nodding away together at the things she said. It was wonderful hearing so many subconscious thoughts vocalised by her, and so many little coping techniques. I was bouncing around afterwards as it felt so ME. She also said some wonderful things that stick with me. The most important was that as someone providing service you are not weak, you are not giving up responsibility as you cannot cope with life. You are not just waiting for orders to be lazy and avoid it... In fact you are taking on extra responsibility. For yourself and your Master/Mistress. You have to look after yourself and after them. Keep yourself well and safe and ready to serve so you are in a place where you can anticipate and meet their needs. I loved that. The second class I went to was "unarmed BDSM". This was basically a quick A to Z of things you could do without any toys or props. It was brilliant. Very fast, very funny, the presenter had such energy. He was also very British and it was a giggle to hear his accent in the middle of Denver. He also loved having all these things being done to him and barked excitedly at any opportunity. I also learnt a lot about the legal situation here in the UK as he was a member of the spanner trust and people were asking him. Its amazing what you can learn when you don't expect. Oh and it was also sheer total heaven as MsSilvie scritched my neck the entire time. What can I say, I am a tart. I don't deny it. I went to a talk abou Master/Slave relationships and it was definitely a different type of thing than applies to me... but it was very interesting to listen and watch people. See the kinds of questions they asked, what it revealed about their lifestyles and backgrounds. It was kind of an honour to be exposed to so many different types of community. D/s, S&M, Leather, Lesbian, Het, all in one place and see how their dynamics were different. The variety in one place, was comforting. Even a little pup can fit somewhere. I will gloss over the rest of the seminars as I (in my humble little opinion) was not enthralled by some of the indications of cult of personality or hero worship in certain areas... I don't need a lifestyle coach, I am quite capable of screwing up my own life well enough without one of those ;-). I am glad I went to the ones I did do, and I am glad (at that time) I went to the more basic or "why we do what we do" ones. I don't think I would be so inclined to go to them again though. I know I have a lot to learn about my quirks, desires, motives, how to serve, how to be better me... but for me now I think I am learning more by seeing how others live their lives and get through their battles. Learning by living life, not hearing someone else telling me. That may change in the future when I get over this growing spurt and need to consolidate my thoughts again, who knows? :). Now I feel more in a practical phase of trying to put into reality the things I have learnt, try things, get knocked down, get up and try again. Live and enjoy life a bit. Learn practical skills and test abilities and desires. The evening dungeon it was just going to be Ms Jolie and I walking around as Ms Silvie was fairly tired and worn out after a long day, no air and a lovely meal. I dressed in the lovely outfit Ms Jolie had helped me choose. My heeled ankle bootlets. My fishnets. My red and black tartan skirt. My black fitted top. My black collar with red dragons. I felt so proud to be led out like that. No leash as she didn't want to break my neck if I fell... so I could stay like this wherever I went in the hotel, without having to hide. Just be like this as we walked around the public and private areas. We went to the car park dungeon and walked around, watching people... then back to the main dungeon... the same... before finally the car park dungeon again. Such different energy between the two. I loved the industrial simplicity of the car park. I also loved the grip on my high heels :P. The car park... things really happened. More intense whippings... more passion... more energy. Screams... Quieter music so it didn't drown everything out. Vacuum sacs... Trample walks... Fire play... a beautiful beautiful piercing scene through the upper arms and then patterned with ribbons. I watched that for quite a while, surprised I wasn't squicked by it. I thought I would be. The girl having it down was simply beautiful. She was naturally beautiful, but the pleasure in her eyes... it was entrancing. The way she breathed as the needles went in. The soothing way he spoke to her. It was an amazing thing to watch and I felt quite humbled to be able to see it. It was quite moving and quite soothing. Ms Jolie looked after me and made sure I sat down a lot and checked I wasn't hurting my legs as it was the first time I had walked in heels for any length of time (heh like ever) and the first time I had been seen in a skirt by anyone. She kept dropping me comments about people looking at me but I never saw it, I was just really proud to be led around by her with her tag on my collar.

Link

Learning

Life has very much been an eyeopener recently. Life, people, BDSM. So many things changing, so many relationships changing. New friendships forming. Others maturing. Thunder. Meeting people over there. Seeing my first dungeon. Going to SWAMP. Meeting people from ALT. Dressing in public in the UK. So many things. I admit I knew all the terms such as SSC and RACK but it never really sank in what they meant to me. I guess I was fairly passive. Reticent to express my desires. Willing to be "done to" or let others take the lead but not willing to put forward my side of the equation. Thats not to say I was a "bad sub"... but I definitely suffered from the "whatever you want Mistress" syndrome. Maybe its because I came from an online background so didnt have much experience of what i DID like. It's very hard to say "i want this" when you have never tried anything and don't have major deep fantasies on any subject. When all you know is inside you that you are a horny kinky slut who has a deep desire to serve and make those you care for happy. I was very lucky that my former Mistress understood me so well and led me into wanting things, teaching me the way to start admitting my desires. Still then though, with her, my over-riding desire was to serve. She so spoiled me with her desires, but I know thats not common or fair on a partner. I don't want to top from the bottom, i don't want to say me me me, but I do want to take responsibility for showing them what I want and need. To give them over a wonderful platter of kinks, fetishes, desires, fears to choose from and twist in their own delightful way. To give them ideas to play with. To work together to meet our mutual needs and have a wonderful kinky time. I have begun to realise it doesn't matter what it is you do with your partner, it's that it works for both of you, that it fulfils both your needs (both to give and to be accepted, to do and be done to, to please and to be pleased to love and be loved) and builds a deep intimate connection between you. That's what BDSM is for me, a wonderful connection between people at a deep intimate almost primal level, with an array of toys and methods to achieve that. Today both the terms SSC and RACK finally fell into place. Why one and not the other, what the difference is. Someone had said to me recently she had seen how I had changed, how my terms of reference had changed, and how she saw me. Today I saw it for myself. I was discussing fantasies with a friend and things got very deep, very heated and very much beyond anything we had admitted to someone else before. We were feeding each other with our fantasies. After we calmed down we sat back and looked at them and said ok... if that were to happen what would the consequences be. What would the risks be. How would we mitigate them. How would we decide, if that ever happened, when it would be on the scale of "acceptable risk" (and all BDSM has SOME risk, but so does crossing the road...). What would be too much? What should be left as a fantasy and not reality. Whilst talking it popped into my head. Safe. Sane. Consensual. This would be consensual if it ever happened, yes. Safe? Well. No. As safe as it could be made to be, but not without accepted risks, minimal yes, but still... not what I could hand on heart say was "safe" in a strict sense. So hmmm. Sane? Well, we both agreed it was hot as hell... and appealed to our particular backgrounds, tastes, kinks, but sane? Hmmm again. It was safe and sane to us, but others might not see it that way. It just felt too much like stretching those terms. Then it popped into my head what I'd been told about RACK. Risk Aware - yes. If we ever did this sort of thing we would make sure we knew everything we could about it, the implications, the consequences, before even deciding if it was a yes/no/maybe/keep as a fantasy or role play. Consensual. Hell yes. Ripping each others clothes off to do would count as somewhat consensual in most books... Kink. Ummm yes totally. So there it dawned. In our own little newbie way we had decided that RACK fitted us. We were both somewhat shocked, somewhat stunned and somewhat well, proud of ourselves. It felt like growing up. Admitting our desires. Admitting they had consequences. Taking responsibility for them and our actions. Not hiding in "in didn't know" or letting ourselves be led by others, but taking responsibility as adults. I don't know if we will ever do that scene. Who knows. It doesnt matter. It feels good to be an adult in the big kinky sweetshop and ready to be responsible kinksters. Well until we get all hormonal again anyway :P.

Thankyou to friends

Half way back to Reading. I left work 3 1/2 hrs ago. Only an 1 1/2 hrs to get home! God I am a prat! Heh but still some battery life left to continue dribbling away here. I wanted to thank all the people that had left me kind messages and phone calls or IM's after my "hurt" post. I was very touched by all the people who made a big point of not disagreeing with me, heh. I love you all. I may not say so much, or always call or write, but I have never forgotten any of you and you are in my thoughts all the time.

Wicked

The final trip recently was to take a friend to London to see Wicked (the life and times of the wicked witch of the west) which is an amazing musical and I loved it! I am a big fan of the Wizard of Oz... I used to work for a transport company in a very small IT department. I worked with a lovely lady who was equally as convinced as I was that everyone else in the company was nuts. I used to sit in meetings muttering "there's no place like home, there is no place like home" and clicking my heels together. I seem to remember "I don't think we are in Kansas anymore, Toto" was also said rather a few times. So, I became Dorothy and she was the Wicked Witch. People gave us very odd looks as she called out "Good Morning Dottie" as I came in, or even at customer meetings... Hmmm yes. So I used to be called Dorothy by her... and Alice in other places (for Wonderland of course). Kind of inevitable I ended up dressing up like them I suppose! Anyway, with that background and having read "Wicked" as part of a book club I really did see the musical to work out how the hell they could possibly turn that story in a musical. When my friends birthday came up and she said she'd love to see it with me I jumped at the chance. It really was beautifully staged, just taking the plot points from the book that made sense and dropping a lot of the darkness, but keeping enough to give you that bitter sweet tang of empathy for them and how circumstances led to their inevitible end. The main part of Elpheba was sung by an incredibly talented young lady with a voice that sent shivers down my back. It wasn't all serious though, Galinda (pronounced with a Ga) the Good was quite hysterical as a typical over the top spoilt blonde. A great show and so nice not to have to rush back home but to stay over for the night. The next morning we browsed kinky shops in London. Kay tried on the most amazing latex tailed skirt and top which would have had people clawing at her heels... we saw a few other places ranging from the "disappointing and ugh" to the downright expensive but incredibly well stocked. OK so she had to drag me away from pawing at the floggers. So sue me, I like them. It was one hell of a lot of good kinky fun, ending up with lunch in covent garden. I even was good and didn't buy much, just a copy of SM 101 as it caught my eye and I liked the bits I read in the shop. It was a hell of a lot of silly fun and a great great weekend :).

Trips

One of the things I hadn't written about was my recent trips. First was to the Lake District with my boy. That was lovely, I am so glad I bought the new car as it makes so much difference. I wouldn't have gone that far before or enjoyed driving around when I got there. We had a great time in an amazing cottage. Everything you could possibly have wanted while we were there was already provided. We just needed to buy food and find places to go. Its a beautiful place and the weather was mainly kind to us. A little drizzle, a little chill, but mostly dry and pleasant. I loved the boys company, going walking and exploring with him, Having his time just to me even when he was hard work. We compromised in the end and he let me have some free time to just relax every evening. It was also pretty nice being away from computers completely. He has got so brave though, we went scrabbling over the rocks at the base of a cliff on one beach at low tide and he loved it. He wouldn't have done that a year ago. He liked it so much we went back the next day and went much further... Even ended up scrambling up the side of a waterfall while we were away. I was so proud of him and it was so lovely to see his pride in doing it too. The warmest day we took a hop-on-hop-off ferry round one of the lakes. Hopped off and went walking at three of the stages. He was very tired that night! It was a great week... at the same time his mum was in switzerland on a walking holiday. So all of us doing things we liked but which we would have been too busy arguing to have done before. All in all a good reminder of why we are apart. Only disappointment was one of my scottish friends was supposed to join us with her Beagle, but work and ill-health from the dog stopped her being able to make it. We were all disappointed we won't get to see each other this year :( Soon after that I had to go to Berlin on a work trip, to a technical conference. Only two nights but it does seem to take up time! Especially the way our work travel system is! I went with a girl in our team, and I was more than a little nervous about spending so much time with her socially (I am not the most social animal). It was fun though. I like her, and she knows all about me so I didn't have to really hide anything. The conference was really good (unexpectedly so) and worth going for. The hotel was lovely. The food amazing and the company pretty good. Being the geek that I am, I was the only one who turned up in jeans and sneakers... but hey, I am a techie.. it was a techie conference... why would I dress up in a suit to hear other techies say techie things??? Had some time to go sightseeing the first evening of the conference. Walked around at a speed march with my friend from work and had fun. She was really good company and I enjoyed the time talking with her, or even the times being quiet. I owe her now though for the amount of times she has teased me at work about things since... It wasn't my kind of place, I am not a city person, but I am really glad I went as it was the sort of thing that always intimidated me - travelling to a strange city where I didn't know anyone or anything.

Sooo busy!

Havent written much for a while but now I am stuck on this train this has to be the perfect time to do it, until my battery dies. Heh last long train journey I did I wrote the Thunder (day one) post. Maybe I should do this more often. Not :P. Its been busy recently, like busy things filling in life busy. Not quite sure where the time has gone. I know I have barely emailed anyone recently, if they arent on the phone, in my face or IMing me there just hasnt been time or inclination after work. This week is an example.

Last Friday, went to stay over at my ex's as she was out early on Sat, so I needed to be there to take the boy to drama class. He got up in a tired mood. Lots of tears and he ended up refusing to go, so took him home and grounded him for the day. He played nicely and we ended up cuddling watching tv, but he stayed grounded. Sunday, took him back to his mums. For various reasons I ended up going to visit kblsb in Wales on Sunday, managed to get caught up when they shut the M4. So that was me parked there for 5hrs. Eventually from Bracknell to Wales was 7hrs travelling... Drove back to work early Monday morning.

Monday, got to work tired. Met the lovely subslutdiva for coffee and donut at lunch and for a lovely two hour chat. Quieter evening but so tired.

Tuesday, diva invited me out to meet the husband of a mutual friend. He works locally and stays in lodgings all week so gets bored and lonely, so drove over to her's and we went and met him in the pub. Ended up getting home gone 1am.

Wednesday decide to have a catch up on sleep night... Get called out by work at 2am, so after finishing work catch up on the phone with MzA.

Thursday, work, catch up stuff, catch up with friends, organise stuff for the weekend, setup a website for a friend.

Friday, today... stuck on the wrong train before shooting off to Wales again tonight. Won't be back home til Monday morning, when another week starts...

Putting it that way its not surprising I keep feeling too tired to blog!!!

Soooo stupid

OK so I did the unbelievably stupid. I was on the station platform, hassled after a long aggravated day at work. Thinking other things, mainly of getting down to Wales tonight. My phone rang, it was work, had a conversation with someone while trying to be helpful when not really wanting to talk to them, and the train turned up. It just wasn't my train... it was the previous one about 10mins late so turning up when mine was due, I glanced at the boards, misread it and got on whilst still talking. Of course with my luck its the train that goes straight through to Taunton and doesn't stop anywhere for an hour and 10mins! So buggerit, I am not likely to be home for another four hours. Still, this is the first time I have done this in five and a half years... I guess thats good, right?

Posting

The next set of posts were all written on the train on Friday, but I wasn't around to post til now! So no, they weren't written in five minutes!

Hurt

I hurt inside today. I really hurt. So another train journey into work, another blog to clear my mind. Yes, I must sound like a real whiner as the only time I write at the moment is when something goes wrong. It helps me though so I am not going to apologise for it too much. It lets my thoughts come out and in a way vents some of the pent up frustration, anger, sadness that is otherwise directed inwards.

I had an email last night from a friend. The content, asking how I was. Innocuous. The subject line though felt like an attack. I was instantly defensive. So... I replied asking about it. The reply was clear, passionate, devestating and I have trouble arguing with it. It comes down to the sort of friend I am, and its something I don't score highly at. A statement from a friend that they had tried everything to keep being my friend but that I gave nothing back. That I had vanished. Gone quiet. Wasn't trying. That they had pushed and pushed and pushed to keep it alive but couldn't anymore. They had even stopped crying over it now.

I can't quite describe how I feel at the moment. Useless is a good word. I keep looking back at the past, how I have no long term friends from childhood, school, work. I can't use the excuse of my bad marriage, I am just pretty hopeless at making and keeping friends. I have been told before I seem to have a habit of seeking out new people all the time and pushing others away. I have been told I latch onto people, get deeply involved, that I always seem to want new and don't care about the old. Maybe it's true, maybe I am just an attention whore. I don't know. I look at my relationships, past and present and I hate how I am. I feel so shallow. So selfish. Do I just keep wanting more and more attention? To talk about me and my problems? I think about conversations I have and they seem so trivial. Flirting, horniness, then talking about emotions and feelings and how people are. So so very shallow. Do I never build real foundations? Am I never really a friend? Do I leave a string of hurt people behind me that really genuinely liked me (I don't doubt their sincerity) but get left behind when I freak, close off, or hunt for something new? How can I keep doing this to people I say I care for? What sort of person does that make me? Is that why I am a people pleaser and not a submissive at all?

Please don't try and tell me what a good friend I am, at the moment it just makes it worse as I come up with the "if only you knew what I was really like" voice inside my head.

I know, my posts normally come with some happy turn up at the end where I reveal going through it has made me more determined, but right now, I doubt my ability to give anything of value, so sorry. Out of luck.

First SWAMP

One thing about being angry is there is an excess of energy. That sloshes around and looks for somewhere to go out, and since I won't let it be aimed at others I need to find other outlets. Lots of hard hot frantic sex would be kind of nice at the moment, but since I am on the train I don't think thats going to happen. Well. None of the people around me look like likely candidates so time to find another plan. Writing is the other last great outlet. Not quite as sweaty and frantic as the sex, but still quite as exhausting in the end.

Because of the mood I am in, and the edge of darkness there, that pit of self-loathing, of ridicule of myself, of hopelessness, of feeling like I just pester people... it's easy to identify with other dark times. Times which are hard to write about if you aren't in the moment. Afterwards you heal, move on, can't remember how you could possibly have felt like that. So this is as good a time as any to write of it. I know in the process of doing so this feeling will burn through me, like a fire cleansing and wiping clean the current keen pain. We are funny old things.

A few weekends ago a good friend of mine (kblsb on Alt) and I went off to Bristol to attend SWAMP. The South West Alternative Market Place. It's a small fetish fair and after party held at a club. We thought it would be good to meet up as it was conveniently in the middle of both of us, was a small venue and a good place to start as a "first" for both of us. It was her first time at any sort of fetish/kink gathering. My first time to one in the UK and without the accompanient of experienced kinksters. It was pretty nerve wracking and I think she was really brave in agreeing to go with me. We both agreed at the very least we could have a nice dinner and some company if we hated the place.

Our stress levels were raised by the fact it was a half marathon in Bristol so half the roads we wanted to get to were closed. With much aide from my sat-nav (Jane, I love you, I will never cheat on you) we eventually found a place. Someone was smiling on us... We stopped to get our bearings just after the club and someone pulled out and left us a parking space. Fortune smiles on the righteous, or at least on those with very cute tails. So with this stress built up we went for a walk and a coffee and a chat and eventually made our way back and sneaked through the doorway of the club. I have to say they were pretty friendly at the entrance, saying welcome and hope we enjoyed ourselves. Once inside it was a little harder. There was a a fair percentage dressed up and that didn't bother me a bit, having seen it at Thunder it actually felt nice to be around the denizens again. I think I've always felt more at home around alternative dressers since my love of goth back at University. No matter how *I* may be dressed, I still feel more part of it seeing others be so free... Why was it harder? I guess being around a group of people that seem to know what they are doing, when you don't. I know Kay felt a little out of place to begin with. She was wearing flipflops as they are the most comfortable things to wear for her if she is standing for anytime and she felt she was sneered at by one or two. After the initial "ok we got here, what now" we started browsing round the small collection of vendors, and that got us giggling a lot more. Yes, we are both shopping sluts. Well I am, and I am claiming she is too as its a good excuse. I of course went for the pretty things whereas she liked the looks of the things you hit people with. I swear there is something about me that makes people think my skin colour is wrong and should be much redder...

I saw someone from the Oxford munch so I said "hi". They didn't recognise me, I didn't think they did, but I didn't want to let the opportunity pass. So just a quick "hi", and a quick hi to someone else that it was their first time (must remember to look them up on Alt). We had decided by then we were going to stay to the after party and that I wanted to dress pretty so we went back to the car to get our stuff, came back, paid the extra and then snuck to the loo's to change. It felt good, it felt really good. I had my red/black tartan pleated tartan mini, a black fitted top, fishnets (pvc tops!) and heeled booties. Despite the fact the heels kill me eventually its a very comfortable look and brings out a brattier, sassier, cheekier side of me. Flirty and flouncy. So we went shopping, bought a few nice things and flirted and flounced. I saw another 3 people from the Oxford munch (who didn't remember me either, lol) but said "hi" anyway as maybe next time they will! (I only went twice to the mid-week and I was very quiet, so I am not surprised). One of them, Angie, was completely lovely and fun to be around and I know made Kay feel very relaxed. I was being cheeky, Kay was doing "look what I have to put up with". Angie wanted to know what happened at the top of the stockings so I flashed the PVC bands and got a lovely swat with her crop on both cheeks *purrr*. Yes. I am a tart. I hope kblsb didn't feel put out that I "kinda" knew a couple of people there, it was very hard just to go upto them knowing they wouldn't remember me. I wanted her to meet people though, I don't find it easy in groups and I knew as soon as she settled she would start becoming bouncier and more confident. We also met the house Mistress, Anita, a completely lovely Lady, in one of the jaunts outside for Kay to smoke.

It was on one of those jaunts and chats that Kay mentioned she really liked the look of the violet wands and something she wanted to see more of in the future. It had been really busy by that stall so we hadn't pushed in. Anita grabbed a guy outside too, who happened to be one of the owners of that stall and said we wanted a demo, so we meekly followed in. He started off by showing us it lightly, first on her, then on me, turning up the levels a little. I am jumpy. I am squirmy. I am basically a showoff somewhere inside and wriggle like hell at the least provocation. So I wriggled, squirmed, jumped and got called a wuss. This was cue then to stop trying it on her and demonstrate all the attachments on me. Lots of attachments. We must have been there 20mins. Ozone attachments. Ear attachments. Comb attachments. One up my nose which made my eyes water for about 5 mins (but cleared my sinuses!). The lovely effect of it on my shoulder and then him holding Kay's hand, and her running a pinwheel up and down my arm so I got the pricks through that. *purrrr* that was lovely, as it was on the back of my neck. I am not QUITE so enamoured at the shock I got on my cock head through my skirt *humph* but then again, I didn't exactly complain, just jumped a mile and a half. It was also pretty eeky on my nipples. Probably not helped that he had to feel around on my top both sides to find them, so they may have been a bit happy in the first place. Being groped by a vendor in a strange dungeon so he can electrocute your nipples. What's not to love ;-).

That was fun, and we giggled a lot over that and I think they are amazing toys. Something I never thought I would let get near me but I thought was great. Totally different than I expected.

I don't know now if I was cocky, stupid, a little high, a combination of above or if I was just quite justified but... after the first time we had gone for a cigarette in "normal" clothes, we had gone outside as we were. Kay in smart black, me in my... fishnets and miniskirt. The club is on a quiet backstreet of Bristol, not many people wandering past. My memory of this is pretty vague now as it's kind of twisted against me, but I am sure I remember thinking at the time that there were several people (especially women) in rather exotic outfits so i didn't feel particularly out of place. I also felt very much that it was me and I was around like-minded people so after the first "what am I doing" I didn't think twice about standing outside with others. I even had a nice discussion regarding boots and high soled trainers with a lady... There was a bit of a heart stopping moment when a police car drove past, got to the end of the road and drove back again really slowly looking at us all. At first it was an "oh god" moment, before someone mentioned that Bristol street's are dry so they were checking that we were just drinking tea and soft drinks outside.

That was all very well and good and to be honest I had stopped thinking about it much. If couples or people walked past the other side of the street, they gave us a look, a second glance and that was it. Maybe a whispered comment between themselves, but nothing more. It was a fair way into the afternoon when a bunch of teenagers went past and a very obnoxious boy basically wet himself laughing pointing and screeching at me. The girls joined in, cat-calling and shouting things. I don’t really remember much of what was said to be honest. I just went cold, hard, scared. Someone 10 foot in front of you shouting and over-exaggeratedly laughing. The people with me were wonderful. They shouted out to Kay about her being a “real woman”, one of the other ladies retorted that I was more of a real man than they would ever be… that was really sweet. Others came out of the club, including the House Mistress Anita and she gave them a good dose of their own medicine, following after them, asking to see what they had then. When the boy went to go into a door way to unbuckle his jeans she jeered back saying no, she wanted to see it in plain sight just as we were… The kids went off heckling, as kids do. I was shaken, I just remember crossing my arms tight across my chest. They asked if I wanted to go in, but no, I wanted to stay out while we talked and finished our drinks. I didn’t want to be driven away. I didn’t want to give in to them. I was quiet though, listened to the others, I really did appreciate the solidarity and it made me feel part of something special. About five minutes later, two car’s screeched past. The kids again. They threw coffee at us out of their open windows. The poor guy in front of me was drenched. I was at the back so just got it down my leg, several others also hit. That shook me. I have been kind of used to kids heckling me through life. I am skinny, geeky, suffer with acne. So at school, walking home from work… you get it a lot. I can’t say I can smile and ignore it but you go cold and hard inside and let it slide over you. The wanton maliciousness of that though, it threw me badly. I didn’t really know how to deal with it. When we went back inside I just sat with Kay and held her. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be me. I just let her hold me. I have to thank her for being there, for not trying to cheer me up but letting me have space just to hurt. It was totally the right thing to do. After that I just couldn’t feel comfortable again, it wasn’t the place or what was going on, it was just being around people and around a group. It was that horrible feeling then of being in a place where everyone knows what to say, what to do, how to be with each other and you just feel disjointed and different. So I ended up following Kay around like a lost puppy so I wasn’t on my own. We stayed for the party, stayed quite late in fact. We just watched, chatted a little, enjoyed the atmosphere and that the things happening didn’t seem strange or alien to us, before finally saying goodbye and leaving. I know Kay made a big hit with them and got invited to munches and even a birthday party! I kind of felt like a hanger-on in the end. It reminded me of when I used to hide behind my ex-wife all the time. It wasn’t her fault, or anything she did, but I just couldn’t get past how I felt.

In hindsight going outside was pretty dumb. I know others were dressed exotically and even provocatively, but that’s not the same as I was… Maybe it was unfair on people walking passed on a Sunday minding their own business to have MY kink thrown in their faces. I don’t think I was doing any harm though… How many stag-do’s have cross-dressed drunks staggering across the street? How much more in your face is that? A private party with fancy dress attire… I hope I wasn’t pushing how I was in the face of those that didn’t consent to seeing it. When a family walked passed I deliberately stepped in the doorway so they wouldn’t face awkward questions from their kid. I didn’t intend it as a radical protest… I was just happy and happy being with the people I was with, and comfortable in my own skin. It may have been asking for trouble though, no matter how quiet the back street... or how others with me were dressed.

There is a feeling lingering behind though. I feel almost split-brained at times. I keep imagining myself as they saw me. Skinny, gawky, dressed in a skirt and stockings. I see myself as they would have seen me and I hate what I see. It looks stupid, it turns my stomach. It makes me go cold and spiteful against myself and hate that part of me. At other times, I remember how I felt and how it was just to be free and I know its part of me. Having both in my head at the same time is to say the least confusing.

Yesterday (as it was yesterday now, this has taken so long to write) at work I was in a meeting and a very simple comment about us adhering to our standards and not their preferences produced unneeded venom from the other team. It sparked it all off again, and I reacted angrily but kept it from getting out. I guess there are still things I need to deal with in how I react to things, especially it coming back to how my ex treated me and how I respond to conflict and how it affects how I see myself.

p.s. i am ok now :) That just took a long long time to write.