OK, some days just leave you spinning with too much happening.
First, from yesterday, my boy wasn't too well so he stayed with my parents. It was easiest. He really wasn't in a good state to travel. He actually begged me to make sure there were no traffic jams on the way home, the poor thing. Thats so not like him, even with a little headache he will normally just curl up and sleep in the car. So we agreed he would stay the night since he wouldn't be at school and then my ex could come get him tonight. I really didn't like leaving him there with him not feeling well.
I phoned this morning to see how he was and found out from Mum that they had found out this morning that Nan had had a fall and she was on her way to hospital. A long story later, with my brother taking my mum down (and dropping my boy off on the way) and the outcome is she has a broken femur. They were going to pin it but then they realised that she has a blood condition so now they are going to put her in traction for a bit while they see how that goes, to stop the bones grinding.
This was not the day to be sitting around doing nothing and watching a vendor do installations! I wanted to be busy! But, on the plus side (from a work point of view) I did manage to fix a lot of things for the expensive vendor consultant we had paid to come in and do this...
On the plus plus side... the quicker he gets the install done, the quicker I can get back to real work.
The boy is back home, but still poorly, so not going to school. Nan is in hospital so at least, for a bit, she is getting the care she needs.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Feeling too old?
I have been reminded of the film Logan's Run recently. You know, where people get to a certain age and then are eliminated from society. Apparently this is now happening on social networking sites.
The following was given as one explanation as to why one particular site had deleted a “huge number of accounts” recently. “You are over 36 years old”.
“We understand that only a minority of older users are sex offenders, but you must understand that we cannot tell which”, it says in it's explanation of the deletion.
I am not quite sure which I find more worrying. That I may find myself terminated first from the internet (and then the way this government is going, from life) or that a switch went off in my head last December and apparently I may become a sex offender at any minute.
I will be eyeing up suspiciously from now on all those with profiles listing they are in their 40's...
The following was given as one explanation as to why one particular site had deleted a “huge number of accounts” recently. “You are over 36 years old”.
“We understand that only a minority of older users are sex offenders, but you must understand that we cannot tell which”, it says in it's explanation of the deletion.
I am not quite sure which I find more worrying. That I may find myself terminated first from the internet (and then the way this government is going, from life) or that a switch went off in my head last December and apparently I may become a sex offender at any minute.
I will be eyeing up suspiciously from now on all those with profiles listing they are in their 40's...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Humbling thoughts
I was thinking about a friend this week, one I had been lucky enough to be in a situation to help out. I made the comment, idly, that this sort of thing wasn't a big deal to me because I knew (that if it was me in the position) they would help me out. It doesn't matter what the situation is, I know they would help.
On the way to the train yesterday morning it suddenly struck me that this was a pretty amazing thing and wasn't just an idle "oh don't worry about it". I started thinking about some of the friends I have made over the last few years, and how different that was to before.
When my wife and I seperated the only place I could go was to my parents. There was no one else around that I knew that would take me in in that sudden disaster scenario. I was basically so isolated that I was lucky I even had them.
Now. Now though. If I needed help. If I needed somewhere to stay, someone to look after me, somewhere to hide then.... I can just start listing people that would offer me a couch for a day, a week, as long as I needed. It might be difficult. It might not be very practical, but I know they wouldn't think twice. Some of the oldest friends from online Alexis, SR, Kath, , Christine, Denise, Karen, Cat. Those just roll off the tongue instantly and I know all would do whatever they could. Then newer friends. Kay, Tracy, Grey, Carrie. More I haven't listed. That's kinda a wow thing to go from nothing to all those people that would put themselves out for me. So, yes, I need to work on having people around me that would support me who aren't half way round the world.... since the nearest of those is 100 miles. But ummm, that's quite an incredible change in a few years, isn it?
I feel kinda humble.
On the way to the train yesterday morning it suddenly struck me that this was a pretty amazing thing and wasn't just an idle "oh don't worry about it". I started thinking about some of the friends I have made over the last few years, and how different that was to before.
When my wife and I seperated the only place I could go was to my parents. There was no one else around that I knew that would take me in in that sudden disaster scenario. I was basically so isolated that I was lucky I even had them.
Now. Now though. If I needed help. If I needed somewhere to stay, someone to look after me, somewhere to hide then.... I can just start listing people that would offer me a couch for a day, a week, as long as I needed. It might be difficult. It might not be very practical, but I know they wouldn't think twice. Some of the oldest friends from online Alexis, SR, Kath, , Christine, Denise, Karen, Cat. Those just roll off the tongue instantly and I know all would do whatever they could. Then newer friends. Kay, Tracy, Grey, Carrie. More I haven't listed. That's kinda a wow thing to go from nothing to all those people that would put themselves out for me. So, yes, I need to work on having people around me that would support me who aren't half way round the world.... since the nearest of those is 100 miles. But ummm, that's quite an incredible change in a few years, isn it?
I feel kinda humble.
Family affairs
Down at my parents again. My brother (who lives in Arizona) is over for 6 weeks with my niece and my boy absolutely totally adores them. They arrived on Tuesday and my boy was so over-excited when I asked him if he wanted to come down that I knew it was the right choice.
Currently they are sitting playing cards quietly, but I know it won't last! They have done that excited to see each other thing so I am sure there will be ahem differences coming up soon as they are both only children and quite bossy. My boy just hasn't quite realised yet that being bossy most of the time is even better when you let a few selective women be bossy to you...
It's nice, hearing him play in the background. I really do miss him in the week or when I don't have him, but it's nice hearing him play around the house, having fun with someone else and not feeling like he has to spend time at weekends just with me. It's nice him feeling like "oh I have to go see dad" but feeling like it's just part of his week. I like that a lot. I don't think we've done too badly at all.
I am glad we came down, not just for my boy. Mum was so tense when we arrived. My Nan isn't too well, she is having trouble walking and she has been phoning Mum a lot. She says she has a numb leg and pains but we know she has got herself in a bit of a panic too because someone in one of the bungalows behind hers died at the beginning of the week. Mum is stressed though because she feels trapped in the middle. My uncle has just gone over there (after his finishde his night shift) but until then this morning my Nan phoned my aunt to see if she would pop over, just to give her some company for a bit. Nan now thinks this is all in punishment for agreeing to handing over her finances to my family. First the pain. Then my aunt says she couldnt pop in last night to check up on her as she was "working. Then this morning that they had gone to a party and she had been drinking so couldn't drive... and she has also told her in the week "I can't afford to pop in much now because petrol is too expensive". Poor Nan, so trapped and not understanding whats going on and feeling punished. Poor Mum, feeling trapped and caught in between when things had been sorting themselves out. Hopefully, having both kids aroud here will mean she will get out the house and not sit around waiting for the phone to ring and not being able to relax at all.
Currently they are sitting playing cards quietly, but I know it won't last! They have done that excited to see each other thing so I am sure there will be ahem differences coming up soon as they are both only children and quite bossy. My boy just hasn't quite realised yet that being bossy most of the time is even better when you let a few selective women be bossy to you...
It's nice, hearing him play in the background. I really do miss him in the week or when I don't have him, but it's nice hearing him play around the house, having fun with someone else and not feeling like he has to spend time at weekends just with me. It's nice him feeling like "oh I have to go see dad" but feeling like it's just part of his week. I like that a lot. I don't think we've done too badly at all.
I am glad we came down, not just for my boy. Mum was so tense when we arrived. My Nan isn't too well, she is having trouble walking and she has been phoning Mum a lot. She says she has a numb leg and pains but we know she has got herself in a bit of a panic too because someone in one of the bungalows behind hers died at the beginning of the week. Mum is stressed though because she feels trapped in the middle. My uncle has just gone over there (after his finishde his night shift) but until then this morning my Nan phoned my aunt to see if she would pop over, just to give her some company for a bit. Nan now thinks this is all in punishment for agreeing to handing over her finances to my family. First the pain. Then my aunt says she couldnt pop in last night to check up on her as she was "working. Then this morning that they had gone to a party and she had been drinking so couldn't drive... and she has also told her in the week "I can't afford to pop in much now because petrol is too expensive". Poor Nan, so trapped and not understanding whats going on and feeling punished. Poor Mum, feeling trapped and caught in between when things had been sorting themselves out. Hopefully, having both kids aroud here will mean she will get out the house and not sit around waiting for the phone to ring and not being able to relax at all.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Not backward at being forward...
A friend of mine uttered today what has to be the most confident statement of someone about their sexual attractiveness, ever!
"I'd do me.... Oh, in fact, I do!"
"I'd do me.... Oh, in fact, I do!"
Monday, June 02, 2008
Learning the hard way
I like to think that whilst I am dumb enough to make mistakes, I am smart enough to learn from them.
It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.
So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.
Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.
Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.
Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.
Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.
I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.
So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.
I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.
Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.
I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.
So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.
I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.
A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P
It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.
So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.
Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.
Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.
Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.
Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.
I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.
So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.
I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.
Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.
I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.
So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.
I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.
A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Perfect timing
Timing can be everything.
In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.
It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.
So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.
This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.
Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.
I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).
So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.
So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.
I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.
So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.
This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.
In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.
It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.
So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.
This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.
Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.
I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).
So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.
So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.
I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.
So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.
This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.
Growl, Fidget, Bark
First, my apologies to anyone I have been irritable or short with the last few days. I don't make a good patient. Not a patient patient, as it were.
Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?
Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.
I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.
*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*
Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?
Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.
I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.
*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*
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