So it's just about time for me to go see a counsellor at my doctor's surgery for the first time. I rang to make a private appointment a week or so ago as I know I really need some help to get past some reoccuring things. Stress. Anxiety. How I deal with them. How I respond to them. How they effect my self-image and the cycles I then go through. I am honestly terrified, my heart is beating so fast... I know it will be ok, but those old fears. Will I clam up, will I know what to say, will I sound stupid...
See, thats exactly why I am going.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Kick up the arse
I weighed myself on a whim this morning after my shower. It must have been a year or so since I last weighed myself and it was quite a shock. Well I admit the first time I read it I checked the scales again as I didn't believe it. Last time I looked I was about 115lbs and now I'm 134lbs.
OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!
OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Summer Holidays
Yaaay so I've finally planned my summer holidays. Shhhh it's not SUCH a shock that finally decisions have been made.
Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.
Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.
*gets nervous and excited*
Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!
Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.
Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.
*gets nervous and excited*
Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Closure
Now that whinge is out the way (well, fairly recently, I did kind of have to go to work in between, these things happen), onto other happier things. It is surprising how writing things down does clear the air and let you move on, it certainly did with the previous post.
It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.
One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.
Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.
So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.
I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!
It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."
It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.
One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.
Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.
So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.
I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!
It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."
Another little nudge
A sleepless night and one of those where thoughts were jumbled and unpleasent. To be honest, I've avoided writing when I've had lower times. I mean I've said it all before. Hell I don't want to hear about it so no one else wants to find it by accident when they are eating their cornflakes. Maybe in some ways I don't want to remind myself about it so I can forget about it. So, into a habit of thinking ok I won't write about that, I won't write about that. More self-censorship. Mainly based on thinking "oh no not again" and that feeling of not getting anywhere, even if it's not true. Possibly because it feels like I only come here to whine.
Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.
So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.
The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.
The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.
But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.
Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.
So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.
The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.
The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.
But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Oh dear
I am not saying this kind of shows the mentality at work, but they've put signs up in the men's toilets telling us to make sure we flush the toilets...
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