I was watching a documentary last night about the largest airports in the UK. It was about BAA, the company that runs them, and how it operates, how it "seems" to force early checkins in order to push people into the trapped retail space behind security in order to maximise its profits (they get a huge chunk of any money you spend). The thing that amazed me most was - in 2005 BAA was bought by a private Spanish group. Yes. The company that runs the biggest UK airports including Heathrow, Gatwick and Glasgow, is Spanish. More amazingly the Spanish company paid 12 billion for BAA... but only 450 million of that was it's own money. The rest were loans. Those loans have now been rolled into BAA... so BAA is effectively in massive debt to pay for its own purchase... They even said in the medium turn it might go into administration. I don't know the why's and what's of business, or this consolidation of debts that lets you borrow money to buy something which that something then has to pay for... But it amazes me yet again how another major piece of UK infrastructure is not British. Most of the water/power utility companies are foreign owned. Even essential road infrastructure like the bridges between England and Wales are owned overseas... There is free enterprise and capitalism, and then there is selling off your country piecemeal...
I do worry about this country.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
STOP PRESS!!
STOP PRESS!
Work does have a purpose. I discovered it after going back to work yesterday. For some various reasons I was feeling fairly down on myself on Sunday night and Monday morning and in a generally pissy attitude against the whole world. A mixture of tiredness from the trip, being hungry at odd hours and an irritation I had had with my family whilst I was away that still lingered.
So I went to work in a basically shitty mood, not much alleviated by the fact my train was cancelled (a contrast to the buses we got whilst in San Francisco which were cheap and ontime). I was kind of expecting to find work annoying as I was in a bad mood but I had the control subject in my team leader who also came back from holiday that day. If he ended up in a bad mood from work, then it wasn't just me ;-). Voila! Within half hour I was very pissed off at my manager and I started to feel so much happier! See, work has a purpose! It stops you being pissed off at the whole world and gets you to be pissed off at specific things! What would we do without it????
Work does have a purpose. I discovered it after going back to work yesterday. For some various reasons I was feeling fairly down on myself on Sunday night and Monday morning and in a generally pissy attitude against the whole world. A mixture of tiredness from the trip, being hungry at odd hours and an irritation I had had with my family whilst I was away that still lingered.
So I went to work in a basically shitty mood, not much alleviated by the fact my train was cancelled (a contrast to the buses we got whilst in San Francisco which were cheap and ontime). I was kind of expecting to find work annoying as I was in a bad mood but I had the control subject in my team leader who also came back from holiday that day. If he ended up in a bad mood from work, then it wasn't just me ;-). Voila! Within half hour I was very pissed off at my manager and I started to feel so much happier! See, work has a purpose! It stops you being pissed off at the whole world and gets you to be pissed off at specific things! What would we do without it????
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Back again
After sleeping 14hrs and feeling quite zonked this morning... I woke up and my first thought this morning was "bugger, I need to get my own breakfast...." and having a craving for tea, cereal and a cinnamon pasty.... *sigh* being on holiday does spoil you!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Kids today!
Hello from San Francisco.
The boy and I arrived yesterday so of course he was awake at 2am local time and talking and watching things on the laptop with me. He is so excited as his nan and grandad and cousin arrived from Phoenix this afternoon. We chatted in the night. He watched short circuit and spent an hour jumping me in pretending to be robots.
We also talked about kissing and he informed me two girls at school had pinned him to walls and stuck their tongues down his throat or tried to, but it was really yukky and his gf scared one of them away. He also informed me very seriously he would never want to do that. I don't know what to think. Am I amazed he is such a tart already. Horrified as he is only 9...or amazed as these two girls were younger....
Kids today!
The boy and I arrived yesterday so of course he was awake at 2am local time and talking and watching things on the laptop with me. He is so excited as his nan and grandad and cousin arrived from Phoenix this afternoon. We chatted in the night. He watched short circuit and spent an hour jumping me in pretending to be robots.
We also talked about kissing and he informed me two girls at school had pinned him to walls and stuck their tongues down his throat or tried to, but it was really yukky and his gf scared one of them away. He also informed me very seriously he would never want to do that. I don't know what to think. Am I amazed he is such a tart already. Horrified as he is only 9...or amazed as these two girls were younger....
Kids today!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Putting it into practice
Ok, i've been trying to keep these new ideas in my head through today. Every time I've had a "eh" or "blah" or "angry" feeling today I've metaphorically stopped and asked myself what thought came into my head just before that. It was odd, some of them were so fleeting I wouldn't have registered normally I had even thought them, but they were there. Little frustrations. Issues at work. Unresolved things. Things from the morning. Lots of things, just half glanced thoughts. They were always there though, some little thought leading to the bad feeling. I guess normally I would not even register them and would then lead that bad feeling to other thoughts, other frustrations which then swamped whatever it was that made me have an "eh" moment in the first place. Instead today I made a conscious effort to say "ok that feeling came with that thought and it ends with that thought" and then go back to "neutral" rather than let it carry on.
Strangely, it worked. It was a better day. It was a lot less hassled in many ways so that helped, but many things still remain as annoying. I still have the same problems with my laptop at work locking up constantly which makes it hard to work, but I did manage to put aside the bad thoughts as they came and then get on with what needed doing.
I wouldn't say this has lead to a "happier" day. Just a more serene one, which is good. This isn't easy, it feels like a lot of discipline, but I'm going to keep trying at it.
Strangely, it worked. It was a better day. It was a lot less hassled in many ways so that helped, but many things still remain as annoying. I still have the same problems with my laptop at work locking up constantly which makes it hard to work, but I did manage to put aside the bad thoughts as they came and then get on with what needed doing.
I wouldn't say this has lead to a "happier" day. Just a more serene one, which is good. This isn't easy, it feels like a lot of discipline, but I'm going to keep trying at it.
Thoughts from the train
I was reading my book again this morning. It makes good bite size chunks on the train (any more than that and I would probably stop paying attention).
Today's point was that it's thinking that evokes feelings, not the other way round, no matter how much it feels like it. We think about things in a negative or positive way and that causes negative or positive feelings. Yes, it can feed a vicious cycle where feeling bad makes you more prone to bad thoughts, which leads to.... but it all starts with a thought. It's an angry thought that leads to angry feelings. It's remembering and thinking of bad things that have been done to you that provokes feelings of insecurity. Our feelings are a mirror of our thoughts. They are our thoughts though, not things imposed upon us. We may have got into ruts or trained to respond in certain ways but they are our thoughts and we can accept or dismiss them as we want.
He also made the point that thoughts aren't real. I struggled with this one. If my thoughts aren't real then what am I? I think though what it meant was that when we replay events in our head it's not the event we are really reacting to. It's our intepretation of them, how we are letting ourselves think about them. We could shrug it off or we could super-analyse, replay them again and again finding fault with ourselves. It's not a current real life event we are reacting to, its like reacting to a dream. A two minute argument with a loved one that is long gone becomes a constant monalogue in our head replaying it over and over and over again finding things we could have done differently or reasons why we can't fix it. It stops being the argument that makes us feel down, it's how we keep replaying it and dwelling on it.
It's a very simple concept and one that again keeps striking chords. It will be interesting to see how it comes to putting things into practice though!
I did some thinking about this (see, heh, I just had to...) in relation to being submissive. I am a very analytical person, and I've always wondered (in my having to find an answer to everything kind of way) if part of my appeal to submission is to stop thinking.... to give over, stop, just for a moment. That felt kind of selfish to me (me me me) and using someone else as a prop. I also suck at it! Heh, it's very rare for me to stop thinking... Now a new thought occurs to me. Not thinking, just responding, living in the moment is a good place to be as it's being completely with the person you are with and not the dozens of things you've been doing or the dozen you have to do. So, someone helping you achieve that place is a "good thing", and a great gift. It's not completely necessary though. Another effect of submission is a narrowing of focus not a complete stilling of thoughts. All those thoughts, feelings, all dwelling on the person you are serving and having to think of them and not yourself. Thinking outside your head. It is a very very very beautiful place.
Today's point was that it's thinking that evokes feelings, not the other way round, no matter how much it feels like it. We think about things in a negative or positive way and that causes negative or positive feelings. Yes, it can feed a vicious cycle where feeling bad makes you more prone to bad thoughts, which leads to.... but it all starts with a thought. It's an angry thought that leads to angry feelings. It's remembering and thinking of bad things that have been done to you that provokes feelings of insecurity. Our feelings are a mirror of our thoughts. They are our thoughts though, not things imposed upon us. We may have got into ruts or trained to respond in certain ways but they are our thoughts and we can accept or dismiss them as we want.
He also made the point that thoughts aren't real. I struggled with this one. If my thoughts aren't real then what am I? I think though what it meant was that when we replay events in our head it's not the event we are really reacting to. It's our intepretation of them, how we are letting ourselves think about them. We could shrug it off or we could super-analyse, replay them again and again finding fault with ourselves. It's not a current real life event we are reacting to, its like reacting to a dream. A two minute argument with a loved one that is long gone becomes a constant monalogue in our head replaying it over and over and over again finding things we could have done differently or reasons why we can't fix it. It stops being the argument that makes us feel down, it's how we keep replaying it and dwelling on it.
It's a very simple concept and one that again keeps striking chords. It will be interesting to see how it comes to putting things into practice though!
I did some thinking about this (see, heh, I just had to...) in relation to being submissive. I am a very analytical person, and I've always wondered (in my having to find an answer to everything kind of way) if part of my appeal to submission is to stop thinking.... to give over, stop, just for a moment. That felt kind of selfish to me (me me me) and using someone else as a prop. I also suck at it! Heh, it's very rare for me to stop thinking... Now a new thought occurs to me. Not thinking, just responding, living in the moment is a good place to be as it's being completely with the person you are with and not the dozens of things you've been doing or the dozen you have to do. So, someone helping you achieve that place is a "good thing", and a great gift. It's not completely necessary though. Another effect of submission is a narrowing of focus not a complete stilling of thoughts. All those thoughts, feelings, all dwelling on the person you are serving and having to think of them and not yourself. Thinking outside your head. It is a very very very beautiful place.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Work. Blah.
Ok calmed down now somewhat. I was fairly "blah" when I came in from work. Definitely of the mind of just curling up and shutting out the world but I made myself come in and do the chores I had to get done tonight. Sort out travel insurance for the trip to San Francisco. Sort out problems with my son's health insurance. Do the dishes. Get the laundry ready. Tidy round a little. Get all the things done that needed doing before I sat down as I knew I wouldn't feel like doing them when I did sit.
Strangely it has made a difference and I feel a lot calmer now and like there has been a separation between the day and how I feel now. I will have to try and remember that. So this blog isn't QUITE so whiney as it might have been. I went into work this morning thinking one of the things that left me down about work was I didn't feel appreciated. I mean its work, and I get paid for it, you aren't there to get cuddly fluffy credit for things. I do think I work hard though and think I do a reasonable job. An odd thankyou from people when I've gone out of my way, not as a company thing, but a personal thing... I mean thats not too much to ask for is it?
No though. For the things I've done today I've had gripes, complaints. I've tried to point out things as to others so they know whats going on and it leads to just shit being thrown back at you. So thats the reward and thanks you get. Try and do something, say something and you get jumped on. So why bother? Half the people at work seem to get praise for creating a crisis (by doing something wrong originally) then having to fix it. Maybe that's where I am going wrong! I shouldn't do things right in the first place!
The worst of it is... I came home tonight wondering if it was me? Am I doing something wrong. Am I coming across badly to provoke people into being like this? Am I really just not very good at this which is why this happens. Is it something in my attitude that pisses people off and makes them be so high and mighty and demanding? I really hate most that these things make me doubt myself and then I doubt myself in other things. I know I get cross because of things that happen but I really hope I am not the cause of it all.
Strangely it has made a difference and I feel a lot calmer now and like there has been a separation between the day and how I feel now. I will have to try and remember that. So this blog isn't QUITE so whiney as it might have been. I went into work this morning thinking one of the things that left me down about work was I didn't feel appreciated. I mean its work, and I get paid for it, you aren't there to get cuddly fluffy credit for things. I do think I work hard though and think I do a reasonable job. An odd thankyou from people when I've gone out of my way, not as a company thing, but a personal thing... I mean thats not too much to ask for is it?
No though. For the things I've done today I've had gripes, complaints. I've tried to point out things as to others so they know whats going on and it leads to just shit being thrown back at you. So thats the reward and thanks you get. Try and do something, say something and you get jumped on. So why bother? Half the people at work seem to get praise for creating a crisis (by doing something wrong originally) then having to fix it. Maybe that's where I am going wrong! I shouldn't do things right in the first place!
The worst of it is... I came home tonight wondering if it was me? Am I doing something wrong. Am I coming across badly to provoke people into being like this? Am I really just not very good at this which is why this happens. Is it something in my attitude that pisses people off and makes them be so high and mighty and demanding? I really hate most that these things make me doubt myself and then I doubt myself in other things. I know I get cross because of things that happen but I really hope I am not the cause of it all.
Work. Grumbles.
This is the sort of thing that leaves me to coming out of work with a headache and feeling frustrated every day and wondering what I've achieved. I've tried to avoid blogging about work as I don't want to seem like I am whining all the time, but I want to write about it for once.
We've been working on a project to investigate various things. We produced a report. We had it reviewed by our "colleagues" in the design team. They had a few comments. We addressed them. We sent out the report to the customer.
Today we had an email from our design time, addressed to the customer stating that the report was hard to draw conclusions from due to its lack of an overall summary, etc, etc. I have to admit I was furious. We gave them ample opportunity to be involved in the investigations (they weren't). We received back review comments (nothing about that, more about technical and political points). They approved it.
THEN after it was approved and issued they make negative comments about it directly to our (and their) customer.
This is beyond unprofessional and is fairly bloody typical of this place.
I really do try to come into work with a positive attitude in the morning. I really do.
We've been working on a project to investigate various things. We produced a report. We had it reviewed by our "colleagues" in the design team. They had a few comments. We addressed them. We sent out the report to the customer.
Today we had an email from our design time, addressed to the customer stating that the report was hard to draw conclusions from due to its lack of an overall summary, etc, etc. I have to admit I was furious. We gave them ample opportunity to be involved in the investigations (they weren't). We received back review comments (nothing about that, more about technical and political points). They approved it.
THEN after it was approved and issued they make negative comments about it directly to our (and their) customer.
This is beyond unprofessional and is fairly bloody typical of this place.
I really do try to come into work with a positive attitude in the morning. I really do.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Happiness
I started reading a book this morning and it had the statement in it "don't try and do things to make yourself happy, instead decide to be happy". It's a bit simplistic, of course (as many of these generalisations are) but it made me think. What it was getting at is not a new idea, but I guess today it struck me in a new way. It struck a chord for sure. The idea that as people we often put goals in our lives and say once "XXX" happens then I will be happy.
When I find a partner. When I am married. When I have children. When the children grow up enough to be self-sufficient. When I am single again. When I have enough money to stop struggling. When I have that bigger house. When I have a better job. When I retire.
All putting off happiness as something that can be achieved by a change in our circumstances rather than by a change of our thinking. When that happens though, its put off for another goal... Always in the future.
I know I have been guilty of this, especially when I was married... Once I was away from the marriage I would be happy as I would no longer have these bad arguments and fights, all the things which made me unhappy. Things would then be alright. Of course life doesn't work that way and afterwards I still kept putting more "when...." ahead of me. It's quite a miracle (and with definite credit to my friends who have stuck by me) that I've managed to get as far as I have with the attitude I've had. Damn that victorian work ethic that was drummed into me as a child! Heh, it carries over into everything making me think everything is achievable if you try hard enough.
But no... As a dear friend likes to put it, the pleasure is in the little things. If you keep working so hard at things you just end up exhausted, frustrated and looking for something new to "make" you happy. Stopping, looking around, listening to whats really in front of your nose. Well then maybe you can start enjoying whats there.
I remember from church the statement that Jesus said the way to heaven wasn't through works, it was by grace, by Him. You couldn't earn your way there. Maybe heaven and happiness aren't too far seperated. You can't earn them, you just have to stop and accept what's already there.
When I find a partner. When I am married. When I have children. When the children grow up enough to be self-sufficient. When I am single again. When I have enough money to stop struggling. When I have that bigger house. When I have a better job. When I retire.
All putting off happiness as something that can be achieved by a change in our circumstances rather than by a change of our thinking. When that happens though, its put off for another goal... Always in the future.
I know I have been guilty of this, especially when I was married... Once I was away from the marriage I would be happy as I would no longer have these bad arguments and fights, all the things which made me unhappy. Things would then be alright. Of course life doesn't work that way and afterwards I still kept putting more "when...." ahead of me. It's quite a miracle (and with definite credit to my friends who have stuck by me) that I've managed to get as far as I have with the attitude I've had. Damn that victorian work ethic that was drummed into me as a child! Heh, it carries over into everything making me think everything is achievable if you try hard enough.
But no... As a dear friend likes to put it, the pleasure is in the little things. If you keep working so hard at things you just end up exhausted, frustrated and looking for something new to "make" you happy. Stopping, looking around, listening to whats really in front of your nose. Well then maybe you can start enjoying whats there.
I remember from church the statement that Jesus said the way to heaven wasn't through works, it was by grace, by Him. You couldn't earn your way there. Maybe heaven and happiness aren't too far seperated. You can't earn them, you just have to stop and accept what's already there.
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