Thunder (day two)

Thunder day two. Yes, I know its been months, but I am slow. This will be briefer as I am getting tired, heh, and have 30mins remaining on the battery here... It was also awhile ago, and I don't want to bore everyone. I'd never been to one of these things before and didn't know what to expect. One of my friends was going through a rough time and that made things a little complicated in the group (and I am SO proud of you for getting yourself together again petal, you are a good girl and a good friend and next time we get together things will be so much better). I was lucky enough to wear my dragon collar with Ms Jolie's tag on for the weekend. Two of the lectures stick out to me. The first two I went to. The first was service with a smile, for all us service subs out there that get up in the morning and have a "well f*ck you" moment when we are grumpy and don't really want to do whats been asked of us. It was packed. It was funny. It was witty. It was true. It was heart felt. It was practical. It didn't hide from those tired upset ill moments. It didn't pretend just get on with it. I looked around all all these wonderful kinky people and felt a kindredness to them. Boys, Girls, TV, TG. Straight, gay, bi. Subs, pets, slaves. All nodding away together at the things she said. It was wonderful hearing so many subconscious thoughts vocalised by her, and so many little coping techniques. I was bouncing around afterwards as it felt so ME. She also said some wonderful things that stick with me. The most important was that as someone providing service you are not weak, you are not giving up responsibility as you cannot cope with life. You are not just waiting for orders to be lazy and avoid it... In fact you are taking on extra responsibility. For yourself and your Master/Mistress. You have to look after yourself and after them. Keep yourself well and safe and ready to serve so you are in a place where you can anticipate and meet their needs. I loved that. The second class I went to was "unarmed BDSM". This was basically a quick A to Z of things you could do without any toys or props. It was brilliant. Very fast, very funny, the presenter had such energy. He was also very British and it was a giggle to hear his accent in the middle of Denver. He also loved having all these things being done to him and barked excitedly at any opportunity. I also learnt a lot about the legal situation here in the UK as he was a member of the spanner trust and people were asking him. Its amazing what you can learn when you don't expect. Oh and it was also sheer total heaven as MsSilvie scritched my neck the entire time. What can I say, I am a tart. I don't deny it. I went to a talk abou Master/Slave relationships and it was definitely a different type of thing than applies to me... but it was very interesting to listen and watch people. See the kinds of questions they asked, what it revealed about their lifestyles and backgrounds. It was kind of an honour to be exposed to so many different types of community. D/s, S&M, Leather, Lesbian, Het, all in one place and see how their dynamics were different. The variety in one place, was comforting. Even a little pup can fit somewhere. I will gloss over the rest of the seminars as I (in my humble little opinion) was not enthralled by some of the indications of cult of personality or hero worship in certain areas... I don't need a lifestyle coach, I am quite capable of screwing up my own life well enough without one of those ;-). I am glad I went to the ones I did do, and I am glad (at that time) I went to the more basic or "why we do what we do" ones. I don't think I would be so inclined to go to them again though. I know I have a lot to learn about my quirks, desires, motives, how to serve, how to be better me... but for me now I think I am learning more by seeing how others live their lives and get through their battles. Learning by living life, not hearing someone else telling me. That may change in the future when I get over this growing spurt and need to consolidate my thoughts again, who knows? :). Now I feel more in a practical phase of trying to put into reality the things I have learnt, try things, get knocked down, get up and try again. Live and enjoy life a bit. Learn practical skills and test abilities and desires. The evening dungeon it was just going to be Ms Jolie and I walking around as Ms Silvie was fairly tired and worn out after a long day, no air and a lovely meal. I dressed in the lovely outfit Ms Jolie had helped me choose. My heeled ankle bootlets. My fishnets. My red and black tartan skirt. My black fitted top. My black collar with red dragons. I felt so proud to be led out like that. No leash as she didn't want to break my neck if I fell... so I could stay like this wherever I went in the hotel, without having to hide. Just be like this as we walked around the public and private areas. We went to the car park dungeon and walked around, watching people... then back to the main dungeon... the same... before finally the car park dungeon again. Such different energy between the two. I loved the industrial simplicity of the car park. I also loved the grip on my high heels :P. The car park... things really happened. More intense whippings... more passion... more energy. Screams... Quieter music so it didn't drown everything out. Vacuum sacs... Trample walks... Fire play... a beautiful beautiful piercing scene through the upper arms and then patterned with ribbons. I watched that for quite a while, surprised I wasn't squicked by it. I thought I would be. The girl having it down was simply beautiful. She was naturally beautiful, but the pleasure in her eyes... it was entrancing. The way she breathed as the needles went in. The soothing way he spoke to her. It was an amazing thing to watch and I felt quite humbled to be able to see it. It was quite moving and quite soothing. Ms Jolie looked after me and made sure I sat down a lot and checked I wasn't hurting my legs as it was the first time I had walked in heels for any length of time (heh like ever) and the first time I had been seen in a skirt by anyone. She kept dropping me comments about people looking at me but I never saw it, I was just really proud to be led around by her with her tag on my collar.

Link

Learning

Life has very much been an eyeopener recently. Life, people, BDSM. So many things changing, so many relationships changing. New friendships forming. Others maturing. Thunder. Meeting people over there. Seeing my first dungeon. Going to SWAMP. Meeting people from ALT. Dressing in public in the UK. So many things. I admit I knew all the terms such as SSC and RACK but it never really sank in what they meant to me. I guess I was fairly passive. Reticent to express my desires. Willing to be "done to" or let others take the lead but not willing to put forward my side of the equation. Thats not to say I was a "bad sub"... but I definitely suffered from the "whatever you want Mistress" syndrome. Maybe its because I came from an online background so didnt have much experience of what i DID like. It's very hard to say "i want this" when you have never tried anything and don't have major deep fantasies on any subject. When all you know is inside you that you are a horny kinky slut who has a deep desire to serve and make those you care for happy. I was very lucky that my former Mistress understood me so well and led me into wanting things, teaching me the way to start admitting my desires. Still then though, with her, my over-riding desire was to serve. She so spoiled me with her desires, but I know thats not common or fair on a partner. I don't want to top from the bottom, i don't want to say me me me, but I do want to take responsibility for showing them what I want and need. To give them over a wonderful platter of kinks, fetishes, desires, fears to choose from and twist in their own delightful way. To give them ideas to play with. To work together to meet our mutual needs and have a wonderful kinky time. I have begun to realise it doesn't matter what it is you do with your partner, it's that it works for both of you, that it fulfils both your needs (both to give and to be accepted, to do and be done to, to please and to be pleased to love and be loved) and builds a deep intimate connection between you. That's what BDSM is for me, a wonderful connection between people at a deep intimate almost primal level, with an array of toys and methods to achieve that. Today both the terms SSC and RACK finally fell into place. Why one and not the other, what the difference is. Someone had said to me recently she had seen how I had changed, how my terms of reference had changed, and how she saw me. Today I saw it for myself. I was discussing fantasies with a friend and things got very deep, very heated and very much beyond anything we had admitted to someone else before. We were feeding each other with our fantasies. After we calmed down we sat back and looked at them and said ok... if that were to happen what would the consequences be. What would the risks be. How would we mitigate them. How would we decide, if that ever happened, when it would be on the scale of "acceptable risk" (and all BDSM has SOME risk, but so does crossing the road...). What would be too much? What should be left as a fantasy and not reality. Whilst talking it popped into my head. Safe. Sane. Consensual. This would be consensual if it ever happened, yes. Safe? Well. No. As safe as it could be made to be, but not without accepted risks, minimal yes, but still... not what I could hand on heart say was "safe" in a strict sense. So hmmm. Sane? Well, we both agreed it was hot as hell... and appealed to our particular backgrounds, tastes, kinks, but sane? Hmmm again. It was safe and sane to us, but others might not see it that way. It just felt too much like stretching those terms. Then it popped into my head what I'd been told about RACK. Risk Aware - yes. If we ever did this sort of thing we would make sure we knew everything we could about it, the implications, the consequences, before even deciding if it was a yes/no/maybe/keep as a fantasy or role play. Consensual. Hell yes. Ripping each others clothes off to do would count as somewhat consensual in most books... Kink. Ummm yes totally. So there it dawned. In our own little newbie way we had decided that RACK fitted us. We were both somewhat shocked, somewhat stunned and somewhat well, proud of ourselves. It felt like growing up. Admitting our desires. Admitting they had consequences. Taking responsibility for them and our actions. Not hiding in "in didn't know" or letting ourselves be led by others, but taking responsibility as adults. I don't know if we will ever do that scene. Who knows. It doesnt matter. It feels good to be an adult in the big kinky sweetshop and ready to be responsible kinksters. Well until we get all hormonal again anyway :P.

Thankyou to friends

Half way back to Reading. I left work 3 1/2 hrs ago. Only an 1 1/2 hrs to get home! God I am a prat! Heh but still some battery life left to continue dribbling away here. I wanted to thank all the people that had left me kind messages and phone calls or IM's after my "hurt" post. I was very touched by all the people who made a big point of not disagreeing with me, heh. I love you all. I may not say so much, or always call or write, but I have never forgotten any of you and you are in my thoughts all the time.

Wicked

The final trip recently was to take a friend to London to see Wicked (the life and times of the wicked witch of the west) which is an amazing musical and I loved it! I am a big fan of the Wizard of Oz... I used to work for a transport company in a very small IT department. I worked with a lovely lady who was equally as convinced as I was that everyone else in the company was nuts. I used to sit in meetings muttering "there's no place like home, there is no place like home" and clicking my heels together. I seem to remember "I don't think we are in Kansas anymore, Toto" was also said rather a few times. So, I became Dorothy and she was the Wicked Witch. People gave us very odd looks as she called out "Good Morning Dottie" as I came in, or even at customer meetings... Hmmm yes. So I used to be called Dorothy by her... and Alice in other places (for Wonderland of course). Kind of inevitable I ended up dressing up like them I suppose! Anyway, with that background and having read "Wicked" as part of a book club I really did see the musical to work out how the hell they could possibly turn that story in a musical. When my friends birthday came up and she said she'd love to see it with me I jumped at the chance. It really was beautifully staged, just taking the plot points from the book that made sense and dropping a lot of the darkness, but keeping enough to give you that bitter sweet tang of empathy for them and how circumstances led to their inevitible end. The main part of Elpheba was sung by an incredibly talented young lady with a voice that sent shivers down my back. It wasn't all serious though, Galinda (pronounced with a Ga) the Good was quite hysterical as a typical over the top spoilt blonde. A great show and so nice not to have to rush back home but to stay over for the night. The next morning we browsed kinky shops in London. Kay tried on the most amazing latex tailed skirt and top which would have had people clawing at her heels... we saw a few other places ranging from the "disappointing and ugh" to the downright expensive but incredibly well stocked. OK so she had to drag me away from pawing at the floggers. So sue me, I like them. It was one hell of a lot of good kinky fun, ending up with lunch in covent garden. I even was good and didn't buy much, just a copy of SM 101 as it caught my eye and I liked the bits I read in the shop. It was a hell of a lot of silly fun and a great great weekend :).

Trips

One of the things I hadn't written about was my recent trips. First was to the Lake District with my boy. That was lovely, I am so glad I bought the new car as it makes so much difference. I wouldn't have gone that far before or enjoyed driving around when I got there. We had a great time in an amazing cottage. Everything you could possibly have wanted while we were there was already provided. We just needed to buy food and find places to go. Its a beautiful place and the weather was mainly kind to us. A little drizzle, a little chill, but mostly dry and pleasant. I loved the boys company, going walking and exploring with him, Having his time just to me even when he was hard work. We compromised in the end and he let me have some free time to just relax every evening. It was also pretty nice being away from computers completely. He has got so brave though, we went scrabbling over the rocks at the base of a cliff on one beach at low tide and he loved it. He wouldn't have done that a year ago. He liked it so much we went back the next day and went much further... Even ended up scrambling up the side of a waterfall while we were away. I was so proud of him and it was so lovely to see his pride in doing it too. The warmest day we took a hop-on-hop-off ferry round one of the lakes. Hopped off and went walking at three of the stages. He was very tired that night! It was a great week... at the same time his mum was in switzerland on a walking holiday. So all of us doing things we liked but which we would have been too busy arguing to have done before. All in all a good reminder of why we are apart. Only disappointment was one of my scottish friends was supposed to join us with her Beagle, but work and ill-health from the dog stopped her being able to make it. We were all disappointed we won't get to see each other this year :( Soon after that I had to go to Berlin on a work trip, to a technical conference. Only two nights but it does seem to take up time! Especially the way our work travel system is! I went with a girl in our team, and I was more than a little nervous about spending so much time with her socially (I am not the most social animal). It was fun though. I like her, and she knows all about me so I didn't have to really hide anything. The conference was really good (unexpectedly so) and worth going for. The hotel was lovely. The food amazing and the company pretty good. Being the geek that I am, I was the only one who turned up in jeans and sneakers... but hey, I am a techie.. it was a techie conference... why would I dress up in a suit to hear other techies say techie things??? Had some time to go sightseeing the first evening of the conference. Walked around at a speed march with my friend from work and had fun. She was really good company and I enjoyed the time talking with her, or even the times being quiet. I owe her now though for the amount of times she has teased me at work about things since... It wasn't my kind of place, I am not a city person, but I am really glad I went as it was the sort of thing that always intimidated me - travelling to a strange city where I didn't know anyone or anything.

Sooo busy!

Havent written much for a while but now I am stuck on this train this has to be the perfect time to do it, until my battery dies. Heh last long train journey I did I wrote the Thunder (day one) post. Maybe I should do this more often. Not :P. Its been busy recently, like busy things filling in life busy. Not quite sure where the time has gone. I know I have barely emailed anyone recently, if they arent on the phone, in my face or IMing me there just hasnt been time or inclination after work. This week is an example.

Last Friday, went to stay over at my ex's as she was out early on Sat, so I needed to be there to take the boy to drama class. He got up in a tired mood. Lots of tears and he ended up refusing to go, so took him home and grounded him for the day. He played nicely and we ended up cuddling watching tv, but he stayed grounded. Sunday, took him back to his mums. For various reasons I ended up going to visit kblsb in Wales on Sunday, managed to get caught up when they shut the M4. So that was me parked there for 5hrs. Eventually from Bracknell to Wales was 7hrs travelling... Drove back to work early Monday morning.

Monday, got to work tired. Met the lovely subslutdiva for coffee and donut at lunch and for a lovely two hour chat. Quieter evening but so tired.

Tuesday, diva invited me out to meet the husband of a mutual friend. He works locally and stays in lodgings all week so gets bored and lonely, so drove over to her's and we went and met him in the pub. Ended up getting home gone 1am.

Wednesday decide to have a catch up on sleep night... Get called out by work at 2am, so after finishing work catch up on the phone with MzA.

Thursday, work, catch up stuff, catch up with friends, organise stuff for the weekend, setup a website for a friend.

Friday, today... stuck on the wrong train before shooting off to Wales again tonight. Won't be back home til Monday morning, when another week starts...

Putting it that way its not surprising I keep feeling too tired to blog!!!

Soooo stupid

OK so I did the unbelievably stupid. I was on the station platform, hassled after a long aggravated day at work. Thinking other things, mainly of getting down to Wales tonight. My phone rang, it was work, had a conversation with someone while trying to be helpful when not really wanting to talk to them, and the train turned up. It just wasn't my train... it was the previous one about 10mins late so turning up when mine was due, I glanced at the boards, misread it and got on whilst still talking. Of course with my luck its the train that goes straight through to Taunton and doesn't stop anywhere for an hour and 10mins! So buggerit, I am not likely to be home for another four hours. Still, this is the first time I have done this in five and a half years... I guess thats good, right?

Posting

The next set of posts were all written on the train on Friday, but I wasn't around to post til now! So no, they weren't written in five minutes!