Hurt

I hurt inside today. I really hurt. So another train journey into work, another blog to clear my mind. Yes, I must sound like a real whiner as the only time I write at the moment is when something goes wrong. It helps me though so I am not going to apologise for it too much. It lets my thoughts come out and in a way vents some of the pent up frustration, anger, sadness that is otherwise directed inwards.

I had an email last night from a friend. The content, asking how I was. Innocuous. The subject line though felt like an attack. I was instantly defensive. So... I replied asking about it. The reply was clear, passionate, devestating and I have trouble arguing with it. It comes down to the sort of friend I am, and its something I don't score highly at. A statement from a friend that they had tried everything to keep being my friend but that I gave nothing back. That I had vanished. Gone quiet. Wasn't trying. That they had pushed and pushed and pushed to keep it alive but couldn't anymore. They had even stopped crying over it now.

I can't quite describe how I feel at the moment. Useless is a good word. I keep looking back at the past, how I have no long term friends from childhood, school, work. I can't use the excuse of my bad marriage, I am just pretty hopeless at making and keeping friends. I have been told before I seem to have a habit of seeking out new people all the time and pushing others away. I have been told I latch onto people, get deeply involved, that I always seem to want new and don't care about the old. Maybe it's true, maybe I am just an attention whore. I don't know. I look at my relationships, past and present and I hate how I am. I feel so shallow. So selfish. Do I just keep wanting more and more attention? To talk about me and my problems? I think about conversations I have and they seem so trivial. Flirting, horniness, then talking about emotions and feelings and how people are. So so very shallow. Do I never build real foundations? Am I never really a friend? Do I leave a string of hurt people behind me that really genuinely liked me (I don't doubt their sincerity) but get left behind when I freak, close off, or hunt for something new? How can I keep doing this to people I say I care for? What sort of person does that make me? Is that why I am a people pleaser and not a submissive at all?

Please don't try and tell me what a good friend I am, at the moment it just makes it worse as I come up with the "if only you knew what I was really like" voice inside my head.

I know, my posts normally come with some happy turn up at the end where I reveal going through it has made me more determined, but right now, I doubt my ability to give anything of value, so sorry. Out of luck.