Unwell

Things have got a little muddled in this little head of mine.

I think there is a big dose of "I am feeling poorly and have a slight fever" mixed in with being generally worn down and out of energy (so its really kicked me hard) along with things never having quite got back on track since the half-term week. I think winter setting in hasn't helped much either.

I know despite feeling better than I did on Tues I don't feel "right" physically. Last night was a combination of sweats and nightmare - and I know the only time I ever remember having a dream of any kind is when I have a fever), so I am pretty sure my thinking is kind of up the creek and things are blowing out of proportion and I am being overly negative and self-critical. I feel pretty jittery and on-edge and while paranoia and self-doubt are my middle names they aren't normally quite this blind. It does stink of my mind fighting battles it doesn't need to when I should just relax and get well, so I have no idea how much these things really are bothering me or if I am just picking at things for the sake of finding something. I guess time will tell.
I also know how worn down I am generally. This is, of course, my own stupid fault for not taking care of myself. Since half-term its too many skipped meals, too many disturbed nights sleep, add in stress at work and some evening work and you have a recipe for alan self-destructing.
My landlady flies from NL to Philipines on Sat... OK so she is already gone but, she is still in this timezone so we still chat, even though she is stressed as hell. After Sat, its a completley different timezone and I feel that loss coming. Its like a safety blanket going and the world suddenly feels a much scarier emptier lonelier place. Talking to her and to my best friend on the phone were two of the things that got me out of my head and into the real world so much and kept reminding me its only complicated if we make it... and with both those gone the temptation is to crawl back inside and hide.

Winter... means dark in the morning to work, dark in the evening at home. No more walks in the evening and that feeling of being trapped looms in. Winter does have some lovely delights but... the dark evenings for me are not one of them.

What it most comes down though I think is my lack of energy at the moment. When it becomes a struggle to talk to people because you just don't have the energy to think of anything to say, when every time you put on a smile for someone because you don't want to be a burden... that burns up a little more of what you had, well, it just becomes survival and the truth is I've even been sucking at surviving the way I've been behaving. Its amazing how quickly those skipped meals add up, just because I wasn't hungry. Then it comes to I get through work and am exhausted when I get home, and so have no desire to cook. Then I simply have no appetite. It is a vicious circle and one that does spiral downwards very quickly, probably into getting rundown enough to let a simple cold kick you in the shins like it has. You really just don't notice it while its happening though. Did I really skip that many meals? How did it add up so quickly? I am a smart, reasonably intelligent guy... how can I get so wrapped up in things I don't notice what I am doing to myself. Don't I care?

So back to basics, lets ignore the bad feelings, the old tunes I've been telling myself the last few days, the I'm so bad's... or the I have no right to feel like this as I have such a privilaged life. They aren't worth dwelling on, they are a by-product, a symptom of what I've let myself do to myself. Well, I think, as much as my fevered mind lets me think with any definite idea. Time to kick my ass out of the rut I've got myself in and do something about it as I'm the only one that can. That starts with dealing with my eating habits. Being disciplined. Yes, I know I should do these things naturally but I obviously don't so I need to do something about it. So, I am going to start at the beginning of the week writing a meal plan for the whole week, then going shopping for those specific meals to get over the whole aimless get home from work and wonder what i will have tonight and then not feel like it. Start having my multivitamins again, and look at other supplements to try and build up my immune system. Hopefully, get myself back into a better situation physically which will stop me getting rundown and worn out and have some energy to look at other things. I am also seriously considering joining a gym much as the thought scares me. I don't need to lose weight.. at 8 stone I am probably underweight but healthy for my metabolism when I don't forget myself. But... I know I have a fairly static job apart from my walk to and from work. Something says inside my head it would do me good to a) get out the house an evening a week, b) build up my general fitness, c) work out some of the stress from work and d) possibly most importantly do something to tire myself out physically as well as just mentally as work does. It might also improve my appetite and make me WANT to eat. Its the thought going round in my head at the moment anyway.

Its kind of weird how you can go from feeling hopeless to hopeful just with a few changes of thought. I will admit to just surviving at the moment and whilst the whole progression back to feeling like I am living again does seem too much to imagine or do, and so does make me feel hopeless - I can imagine working on just a few small things to make an improvement and see how we go from there. Even if this is me thinking too much as I am poorly I feel more positive having made some sort of plan going forward.

I really want to have the sort of energy I have which lets me love being around others and feel I have so much to give as its not taking away from me. I know how I am around people does change a lot when I feel weary and tired out and I much prefer the alan that can talk and talk for ages, even if he isn't a happy bunny and is rambling on about it... rather than just curl up quietly as he doesn't have the strength to speak. Thankfully though, somehow, if a someone needs to chat or lean on me that gives me a strength of its own, so I am glad I've not lost being able to do that upto now. Time to make sure I never DO lose that though. I mean, I do have a Mistress to keep entertained amongst other things ;-).

So, that starts tonight. I am taking tomorrow off and having a long weekend and going down to my parents for the weekend to see my boy (as he is down there for the weekend) and relaxing and resting and spending a few days away from a computer just to give my head chance to settle again. *grin* you don't know HOW much hard work it sounds to relax at the moment!