Cycles

The end of the week and in hindsight it's gone its usual course when the house empties. I guess I am not so worried about it now because I know this is how I react. Writing it down has done that for me, shown me the cycles I go through, made them less scary, less intimidating each time, less oh my god whats wrong with me.

It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.

It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.

The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.

On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.