This morning sums up the frustration I have with work at times.
We had our team meeting. An hour where our boss told us he didn't know things, couldn't do things or had no information to tell us on a variety of subjects. We also went through a pre-audit checklist where he agreed we didn't have any real processes or procedures ourselves but it was ok, as they weren't going to audit us. I find this a little demotivating and demoralising. When your boss just sits there agreeing how bad things are and that none of the management above him tell him anything but that they should... well... it breeds a certain culture.
I am not saying I want to be lied to and be told all is fluffy. I'm a big boy and I've worked in big and small business... I know the reality of financials and the bottom line and how it comes down to money in the end. However, realistically yes there are things which are out of our hands or management won't have decided, or won't tell but... We don't need to be reminded of it quite so much, especially as it displays his frustration and lack of control so clearly.
The design review later went as they typically do. We, as operational staff, asked the questions such as how would this be supported, infrastructure in place to manage it, etc, etc, which had been ignored by the design staff who have no operational responsibility. No one likes to say "no" to the projects, or point out the implications of doing things - so its left to us. I hope we don't come across as awkward but instead as trying to do a conscientious job and the best we can with whats available. However, if no one asks... how will anyone know these things are just going to cause problems in the future?
I slept last night. From about 8.30pm til 1.30ish... then about 40mins later til 6am. This morning I was so heavy and muzzy headed I couldnt get out of bed and lazed there til nearly time for the second train. Glad I did too as the train was so delayed I ended up catching my normal train just 40mins later! Now I am feeling weary as the last few days have caught up with me. Yesterday it was masked by my sleepiness, now its just sinking into my aches and pains.
God I must be getting old!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Days
A tired day at work is a weird one. Sometimes it seems to go fast, sometimes it seems to go slowly. I always seem to end up working late for some reason, I guess to compensate for the fact I think I didn't really concentrate.
I'm glad I sent that email in the night, the head of the Customer Systems read it before a 9am meeting we knew nothing about and weren't invited to. Apparently he mentioned the email but didn't understand it so came to talk to us afterwards. We discussed the options and he went away happy to talk to people. That felt good.
Had a meeting which we really weren't keen on having, more stuff dragged up from the past. I think my tiredness reduced my tolerance and reticence so I went in and just put our point of view over and how things were going to be, before they really had a chance to start speaking. That was the end of it! It was so nice to not have another pointless meeting drag on and waste more time.
More annoyingly later... the design guy came down, and we mentioned about the CRM system. Seems now that its become politically interesting they are interested and have decided a mere 30k on a new system will provide the resilience. 30k!! thats peanuts! This problem has been there for over 2 years and has been raised by us so many times, falling on deaf ears. So many times they have said it would cost too much, etc, etc. Its so frustrating, so much time wasted because they didn't want to get involved and now an arbitary decision such a small system would cover it.
In a way it makes me wonder why I bothered... but to be honest I think without it it wouldnt have provoked them to make any contribution, so it still was worth it. The other alternatives suggested previously were... nuts.
Have to see the bright side, don't you?
I'm glad I sent that email in the night, the head of the Customer Systems read it before a 9am meeting we knew nothing about and weren't invited to. Apparently he mentioned the email but didn't understand it so came to talk to us afterwards. We discussed the options and he went away happy to talk to people. That felt good.
Had a meeting which we really weren't keen on having, more stuff dragged up from the past. I think my tiredness reduced my tolerance and reticence so I went in and just put our point of view over and how things were going to be, before they really had a chance to start speaking. That was the end of it! It was so nice to not have another pointless meeting drag on and waste more time.
More annoyingly later... the design guy came down, and we mentioned about the CRM system. Seems now that its become politically interesting they are interested and have decided a mere 30k on a new system will provide the resilience. 30k!! thats peanuts! This problem has been there for over 2 years and has been raised by us so many times, falling on deaf ears. So many times they have said it would cost too much, etc, etc. Its so frustrating, so much time wasted because they didn't want to get involved and now an arbitary decision such a small system would cover it.
In a way it makes me wonder why I bothered... but to be honest I think without it it wouldnt have provoked them to make any contribution, so it still was worth it. The other alternatives suggested previously were... nuts.
Have to see the bright side, don't you?
Work & Sleep
I'm having trouble sleeping again. The night before it was nightmares and then unable to sleep. Tonight I went to bed early, just after 9 and then by 1am I just couldn't sleep. I lay in bed for about an hour tossing and turning til I followed the advice of a wise woman I know "If you aren't sleeping in the bed, or doing something else... then you shouldn't be in the bed." A wise thought and one that stops associating the frustration of not being able to sleep with the bedroom.
So I got up and did some work. Something that was on my mind and I really wanted to do last night but didn't have the concentration span to do. It comes to something when writing an email counts as an achievement, but it was a constructive, helpful, proactive, elegant and technically sensible one and something I probably wouldn't have got chance to do in the day with all the hassles. I know thats probably half of what was on my mind before I went to sleep as it was the last thing at work yesterday.
Work is, I think, beginning to stress me again. I know I am finding it harder to switch my mind off in the evenings, as evidenced by the lack of sleep the last few nights. We are getting into Christmas silly season with full swing. This means managers from our customer randomly coming up with panicked predictions of load over Christmas with no real idea what might happen, just demands it be fixed. Well, if there was a problem and we knew what was wanted we probably would... but with the amount of "this must be done by Christmas" projects in at the moment, something is going to have to give - and i hope its not us.
This particular one is the thorn in our flesh. Our CRM system. Since it went in to replace the previous disaster it has had "issues". Many of the code changes introduce new queries which just hammer the system. Short term fix? Throw more tin at it and make it bigger. Then the code gets kind of fixed, the performance problem goes away again and no one really addresses the issue as its "working". Til next time. Of course each of these quick fixes means a desperate rush to get it done as everything is broken. The slow time afterwards then just gets taken by other, new, more urgent projects. This one has been owned by so many managers arranging meetings which never went anywhere, taking time where we went, heard the same things, never quite knew what people thought they wanted, then went away again and went quiet as something had been "seen" to be done. People making noise for the sake of wanting to be seen to be making noise. Nothing has been achieved upto now except to nark us off.
So. Now another manager has it and he came to see us yesterday, after another round of meetings that this time we WERENT invited to. (Another fun game at our place, the attendee's of meetings change and then things get decided for the others to do, so you THINK you know what was going on as you went to some meetings, but really you don't.... its just a false sense of security). The "definition" of the problem has changed, but they try and shoe-horn in our previous comments which are not strictly relevant. All I can do? A beautifully constructive and helpful email suggesting an different possible way forward. Will it work? Who knows, but at least I feel I *did* something.
So I got up and did some work. Something that was on my mind and I really wanted to do last night but didn't have the concentration span to do. It comes to something when writing an email counts as an achievement, but it was a constructive, helpful, proactive, elegant and technically sensible one and something I probably wouldn't have got chance to do in the day with all the hassles. I know thats probably half of what was on my mind before I went to sleep as it was the last thing at work yesterday.
Work is, I think, beginning to stress me again. I know I am finding it harder to switch my mind off in the evenings, as evidenced by the lack of sleep the last few nights. We are getting into Christmas silly season with full swing. This means managers from our customer randomly coming up with panicked predictions of load over Christmas with no real idea what might happen, just demands it be fixed. Well, if there was a problem and we knew what was wanted we probably would... but with the amount of "this must be done by Christmas" projects in at the moment, something is going to have to give - and i hope its not us.
This particular one is the thorn in our flesh. Our CRM system. Since it went in to replace the previous disaster it has had "issues". Many of the code changes introduce new queries which just hammer the system. Short term fix? Throw more tin at it and make it bigger. Then the code gets kind of fixed, the performance problem goes away again and no one really addresses the issue as its "working". Til next time. Of course each of these quick fixes means a desperate rush to get it done as everything is broken. The slow time afterwards then just gets taken by other, new, more urgent projects. This one has been owned by so many managers arranging meetings which never went anywhere, taking time where we went, heard the same things, never quite knew what people thought they wanted, then went away again and went quiet as something had been "seen" to be done. People making noise for the sake of wanting to be seen to be making noise. Nothing has been achieved upto now except to nark us off.
So. Now another manager has it and he came to see us yesterday, after another round of meetings that this time we WERENT invited to. (Another fun game at our place, the attendee's of meetings change and then things get decided for the others to do, so you THINK you know what was going on as you went to some meetings, but really you don't.... its just a false sense of security). The "definition" of the problem has changed, but they try and shoe-horn in our previous comments which are not strictly relevant. All I can do? A beautifully constructive and helpful email suggesting an different possible way forward. Will it work? Who knows, but at least I feel I *did* something.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
How Bazaar
Its always the little things that make life which make the difference. Saturday was a quiet day as it was so very wet. The boy enjoyed playing on the computer and I enjoyed watching and listening to him. I love the fact he has the patience now to play games, especially simulations, without getting frustrated at the things he does not understand.
Sunday, we went out to a Christmas Bazaar at the donkey sanctuary. I think I could grow to love that place. It has such a friendly atmosphere amongst their volunteer's, a real family feeling. We looked at the stalls, played on the raffles and tombola's, chatted with the guy from the wild-west display from last time and saw his gun collection. He chatted with the boy and I for a good 10mins and the boy was fascinated with all the replica's. Santa Claus arrived on a steam engine and the boy went into see him by himself and came out beaming. We both had a wonderful time, him enjoying the bazaar and me enjoying him. In the evening, after I had dropped him off I went and bought his Christmas present, his PC. He is going to be so excited. I am going to set it up so we can play online games together in the evenings sometimes which I think he will just love. Even if it does mean we end up buying every game twice :D
Sunday, we went out to a Christmas Bazaar at the donkey sanctuary. I think I could grow to love that place. It has such a friendly atmosphere amongst their volunteer's, a real family feeling. We looked at the stalls, played on the raffles and tombola's, chatted with the guy from the wild-west display from last time and saw his gun collection. He chatted with the boy and I for a good 10mins and the boy was fascinated with all the replica's. Santa Claus arrived on a steam engine and the boy went into see him by himself and came out beaming. We both had a wonderful time, him enjoying the bazaar and me enjoying him. In the evening, after I had dropped him off I went and bought his Christmas present, his PC. He is going to be so excited. I am going to set it up so we can play online games together in the evenings sometimes which I think he will just love. Even if it does mean we end up buying every game twice :D
Mr Cellophane
It's dark outside, pitch black. It's not even 7.30am. It's wet. No, its not wet... the rain is hammering down outside and my feet are wet from walking to the station in it. I think these shoes need resealing, or so my socks are telling me. They are being pretty insistent on that fact.
I am very tired, I slept badly last night. Nightmares and then that restlessness where you just lie in bed without being able to sleep, til of course its time to wakeup. Then you sleep through your alarm and wake up with only a few minutes to get out the door. It's mornings like these that you need a decent latte to look forward to, but of course thats something which is no more (we did risk it yesterday, but it was appropriately horrible now... burnt latte is NOT a nice thing to come into work for so the days of the coffee are now sadly behind us).
I am grousing because I am tired and still not 100% so things tend to get to me more than they should then. What I need is a good old whinge and wallow and get it out of my system and then I'll be fine. Hmmm hey, that sounds like what a blog is for ;-).
Lately, I have had several very lovely people tell me what a nice person I am. How sincere, what a good friend. For some reason this is beginning to bug me. We know what happens to nice people and where they finish. Yes, I try to be nice to people with various degree's of success or failure depending on what kind of moody git I am. I do try and always give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter what, possibly slightly too much. I do see the good in people.
Why does it bug me that people say I am nice? Because then I start thinking thats all I am. I want to be sexy, I want to be interesting, I want to be entertaining, I want to be amusing, I want to come across as vaguely intelligent, I want to have something thats worth saying. As it is... I don't feel any of those. I am a nice person. Thats kind of it. That makes me feel so transparent, like I have nothing else to offer. I go into conversations with that thought in the back of my head that I am so shallow and really have nothing to interest them. Am I just a walking bundle of good intentions held together by simmering frustrations?
Yes. I know I spend too much time worrying about my social skills.
Yes... I am really grateful for everyone that tells me I am nice and they appreciate me. Thankyou. I am glad you think so and glad you like having me around and think enough to say it... and I know you really do truly mean it in the nicest possible way... and I am glad despite my little falls along the way and my bitchiness, you think I am a good friend.
You know, in hindsight... I kinda like being a nice person and wouldn't give up what I am to be anyone else. I mean, 'cos them I might not have been able to be there when you needed.
See. Have a little bitch. Let ourselves wallow and get it out and the world seems a brighter place again. Much much better than bottling it up.
I would *so* love a nap now though.
I am very tired, I slept badly last night. Nightmares and then that restlessness where you just lie in bed without being able to sleep, til of course its time to wakeup. Then you sleep through your alarm and wake up with only a few minutes to get out the door. It's mornings like these that you need a decent latte to look forward to, but of course thats something which is no more (we did risk it yesterday, but it was appropriately horrible now... burnt latte is NOT a nice thing to come into work for so the days of the coffee are now sadly behind us).
I am grousing because I am tired and still not 100% so things tend to get to me more than they should then. What I need is a good old whinge and wallow and get it out of my system and then I'll be fine. Hmmm hey, that sounds like what a blog is for ;-).
Lately, I have had several very lovely people tell me what a nice person I am. How sincere, what a good friend. For some reason this is beginning to bug me. We know what happens to nice people and where they finish. Yes, I try to be nice to people with various degree's of success or failure depending on what kind of moody git I am. I do try and always give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter what, possibly slightly too much. I do see the good in people.
Why does it bug me that people say I am nice? Because then I start thinking thats all I am. I want to be sexy, I want to be interesting, I want to be entertaining, I want to be amusing, I want to come across as vaguely intelligent, I want to have something thats worth saying. As it is... I don't feel any of those. I am a nice person. Thats kind of it. That makes me feel so transparent, like I have nothing else to offer. I go into conversations with that thought in the back of my head that I am so shallow and really have nothing to interest them. Am I just a walking bundle of good intentions held together by simmering frustrations?
Yes. I know I spend too much time worrying about my social skills.
Yes... I am really grateful for everyone that tells me I am nice and they appreciate me. Thankyou. I am glad you think so and glad you like having me around and think enough to say it... and I know you really do truly mean it in the nicest possible way... and I am glad despite my little falls along the way and my bitchiness, you think I am a good friend.
You know, in hindsight... I kinda like being a nice person and wouldn't give up what I am to be anyone else. I mean, 'cos them I might not have been able to be there when you needed.
See. Have a little bitch. Let ourselves wallow and get it out and the world seems a brighter place again. Much much better than bottling it up.
I would *so* love a nap now though.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Porn
I am rebuilding my ex's PC but havent had any chance to start this week with the late days from the course, etc. I managed to start hunting down files last night (don't you love it when people don't know what they have on the PC and where it is?).
So I was hunting down files on her PC to make sure I didn't miss any and I came across a movie clip in her received files folder. I assumed it was the normal "funny" movie sent by one of her gf's so opened it up to check and almost had a heart attack when I saw it was a guy laying on his back stroking himself til he came. I was SO glad the boy had gone to the bathroom at that moment as I choked and spluttered. Knowing her, some guy she was chatting with will have sent it to her and then she would have blocked him but I was SOO shocked.
I was an evil bitch today though and asked her quietly if she wanted me to copy the file onto her new PC as I didn't want to make any assumptions... She got just a little bit embarrased but she did find the funny side of it.
So I'll delete it, but emmm may just make a copy for myself first (it was a very nice clip).
So I was hunting down files on her PC to make sure I didn't miss any and I came across a movie clip in her received files folder. I assumed it was the normal "funny" movie sent by one of her gf's so opened it up to check and almost had a heart attack when I saw it was a guy laying on his back stroking himself til he came. I was SO glad the boy had gone to the bathroom at that moment as I choked and spluttered. Knowing her, some guy she was chatting with will have sent it to her and then she would have blocked him but I was SOO shocked.
I was an evil bitch today though and asked her quietly if she wanted me to copy the file onto her new PC as I didn't want to make any assumptions... She got just a little bit embarrased but she did find the funny side of it.
So I'll delete it, but emmm may just make a copy for myself first (it was a very nice clip).
Malingering
I am definitely not 100% still, the cough is still lingering and that general feeling of not being quite with it is still there. The boy was not feeling too great either last night so we cuddled up early in bed.
Grrr I do hate these things of general unwellness that last and last and last. Thursday driving home from the course I felt so sick I really did not enjoy the rest of the drive home. I think it might have been my travelling companions rather aggressive driving giving me motion sickness, but it made the drive back frmo his house pretty unpleasent. Just glad I made felt better the next day as I really did not want to miss that course.
Just hold with me til my concentration returns back to normal :)
Grrr I do hate these things of general unwellness that last and last and last. Thursday driving home from the course I felt so sick I really did not enjoy the rest of the drive home. I think it might have been my travelling companions rather aggressive driving giving me motion sickness, but it made the drive back frmo his house pretty unpleasent. Just glad I made felt better the next day as I really did not want to miss that course.
Just hold with me til my concentration returns back to normal :)
Friday, November 24, 2006
Geeky dreams
Two days on a course at IBM and what a wonderful pair of days it was too. An exploration of Virtualization on the PowerPC architecture using AIX and Linux as a preparation to us trying to see whether it would fit into our infrastructure. A completely new thing for us and so nice to just go on a really good technical course with an honest and straight forward instructor and learn something completely new. Ahhhh i love technology sometimes :) especially when its just learning for the sake of learning how things work and it is really elegant technology.
As a bonus, out IBM technical pre-sales lady came over to that office just to see us over lunch yesterday and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute in a wonderful slightly geeky way. This is a woman who gets giggly excited talking about processor micro-partioning. OK so that might not sound like much to you but I find it damned attractive ;-). Of course I noticed the wedding ring too *grumble* but hey, you can't have everything :).
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving
For all my American friends, and all those wherever in the world - in my arms, on the phone or in your own homes. I give thanks for the richness you give my life and how you remind me what really counts.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Goodbyes
So tonight I had to say goodbye to the coffee girl as I'm on a course for the next few days and she is off emigrating (which I think is a bit extreme way to get away from me, I was never THAT obviously crushing).
I popped upto say goodbye and she told me I was walking her to the train station after work. It was nice in a typically me way, lol. She was 10mins late, on the phone to her bf, met one of her other friends outside who we walked with and we just chatted til we got to the train station and she gave me a hug. She said she'll email to let me know how she is and I hope she does.
I'm just glad I didn't let my shyness at finding someone attractive to stop me from giving them a warm smile, a cheery hi, a harmless flirt and to reach out a couple of times when she needed someone to help. I am glad I gave her a card to say goodbye and gave my email address... despite the teasing from others at work. I am above all thankful I didn't let my reservations and fears at being rejected... from stopping me doing what I love most, just being nice and friendly and wanting to help.
It kinda feels good, even though I'll miss her.
I popped upto say goodbye and she told me I was walking her to the train station after work. It was nice in a typically me way, lol. She was 10mins late, on the phone to her bf, met one of her other friends outside who we walked with and we just chatted til we got to the train station and she gave me a hug. She said she'll email to let me know how she is and I hope she does.
I'm just glad I didn't let my shyness at finding someone attractive to stop me from giving them a warm smile, a cheery hi, a harmless flirt and to reach out a couple of times when she needed someone to help. I am glad I gave her a card to say goodbye and gave my email address... despite the teasing from others at work. I am above all thankful I didn't let my reservations and fears at being rejected... from stopping me doing what I love most, just being nice and friendly and wanting to help.
It kinda feels good, even though I'll miss her.
Boys and bonfires
I love my boys imagination. Its really something special to see.
When I got down there on Friday he was fully settled having been there since Thurs night. He was so excited to see me and hugged and kissed me to pieces then told me I was seeing a show that night and I had better be ready to pay.
He was excited all day and getting things ready and then about 6pm, we all had to pay... he had used string to rope off the doors into the lounge so we had to queue nicely and pay to get in. Then he go mum to serve us hot bacon sandwiches (which we had to pay for!) and acted out a bonfire and fireworks display for us, "setting fire" a huge pile of cushions (roped off for safety, of course ;-) ) and little fireworks he had drawn out and coloured in and attached sticks too so he could whooosh them up in the air.
His little happy face... well it was mirrored by ours as he gave his show. Half hour watching and a day of excitement in preparation. Just heavenly :)
When I got down there on Friday he was fully settled having been there since Thurs night. He was so excited to see me and hugged and kissed me to pieces then told me I was seeing a show that night and I had better be ready to pay.
He was excited all day and getting things ready and then about 6pm, we all had to pay... he had used string to rope off the doors into the lounge so we had to queue nicely and pay to get in. Then he go mum to serve us hot bacon sandwiches (which we had to pay for!) and acted out a bonfire and fireworks display for us, "setting fire" a huge pile of cushions (roped off for safety, of course ;-) ) and little fireworks he had drawn out and coloured in and attached sticks too so he could whooosh them up in the air.
His little happy face... well it was mirrored by ours as he gave his show. Half hour watching and a day of excitement in preparation. Just heavenly :)
Colds and DVDs
While I was at my parents though, I did get the giggles.
I was lying in bed, watching DVD's from my DVD club (like netflix) and idly started watching The Stand (which I still think is one of the best Stephen King adaptations).
There was something so ironic about lying in bed, sniffling, feverish and coughing while watching a TV programme where the apocalypse was brought about by a virus affecting people who were sniffling, feverish and coughing...
Well, it appealled to my sense of irony anyway, and hell, I find the survivors part of the story strangely hopeful.
I was lying in bed, watching DVD's from my DVD club (like netflix) and idly started watching The Stand (which I still think is one of the best Stephen King adaptations).
There was something so ironic about lying in bed, sniffling, feverish and coughing while watching a TV programme where the apocalypse was brought about by a virus affecting people who were sniffling, feverish and coughing...
Well, it appealled to my sense of irony anyway, and hell, I find the survivors part of the story strangely hopeful.
Better
So its been a few days since I posted.
I came back from my parents so glad I had taken time off for myself. I spent a lot of time down there just enjoying the company, listening to the boy play, listening to them chat together and just letting it wash over me. Sleeping, lazing and watching DVD's and generally letting time pass in the company of those I love and who love me. A little sleep, a little food, a little fresh air in the glorious sun. Nothing too much of anything as I did tire out really easily.
I came back Sunday feeling a lot more relaxed even if very weary. My head a lot straighter thats for sure and more peaceful. I asked my ex to meet me at my house for once, to save me the extra two hours of the journey and was glad she agreed (isn't it nice being amicable?). It was also a real treat to me as it was the first time I'd had someone visit me at the house. Yes I did that running round making sure the house was perfect thing I do, especially as I hadn't been expecting to come straight back here. It was a good few hours, she liked the house, the boy showed off (as they do) and we popped into town for some lunch. She also dropped her PC off and picked up a laptop, so I can rebuild her PC.
I must have been relaxed... Later in the evening she phoned as she couldn't get the laptop to work, couldnt use the little rubber-nipple-pointer in the middle of the keyboard, couldnt get the internet to work... and gave a large dose of "i'm no good at this, just don't worry about it...", getting more and more frustrated and bitchy. I took a deep breath and told her i'd call back and we slowly sorted it out. The cables she hadn't touched had mysteriously rewired themselves between router and modem. I was pretty chuffed I'd handled it well and she hadn't got to me, at least that I was feeling better enough to not let her get to me.
This has felt a long week so far. By early afternoon I've felt weary, by the time I've got home I've been worn out so haven't tried to push it and have just let the evening go by, hence not writing... I just didn't have the energy for it. Tonight I actually feel a bit better and a bit more alive. A few more good nights sleep and get rid of this cough and hey, I might be back to full strength :).
I came back from my parents so glad I had taken time off for myself. I spent a lot of time down there just enjoying the company, listening to the boy play, listening to them chat together and just letting it wash over me. Sleeping, lazing and watching DVD's and generally letting time pass in the company of those I love and who love me. A little sleep, a little food, a little fresh air in the glorious sun. Nothing too much of anything as I did tire out really easily.
I came back Sunday feeling a lot more relaxed even if very weary. My head a lot straighter thats for sure and more peaceful. I asked my ex to meet me at my house for once, to save me the extra two hours of the journey and was glad she agreed (isn't it nice being amicable?). It was also a real treat to me as it was the first time I'd had someone visit me at the house. Yes I did that running round making sure the house was perfect thing I do, especially as I hadn't been expecting to come straight back here. It was a good few hours, she liked the house, the boy showed off (as they do) and we popped into town for some lunch. She also dropped her PC off and picked up a laptop, so I can rebuild her PC.
I must have been relaxed... Later in the evening she phoned as she couldn't get the laptop to work, couldnt use the little rubber-nipple-pointer in the middle of the keyboard, couldnt get the internet to work... and gave a large dose of "i'm no good at this, just don't worry about it...", getting more and more frustrated and bitchy. I took a deep breath and told her i'd call back and we slowly sorted it out. The cables she hadn't touched had mysteriously rewired themselves between router and modem. I was pretty chuffed I'd handled it well and she hadn't got to me, at least that I was feeling better enough to not let her get to me.
This has felt a long week so far. By early afternoon I've felt weary, by the time I've got home I've been worn out so haven't tried to push it and have just let the evening go by, hence not writing... I just didn't have the energy for it. Tonight I actually feel a bit better and a bit more alive. A few more good nights sleep and get rid of this cough and hey, I might be back to full strength :).
Reviews
Does it say something when your sex toy website of choice sends you a sample of lube and asks you to write a review for them?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Unwell
Things have got a little muddled in this little head of mine.
I think there is a big dose of "I am feeling poorly and have a slight fever" mixed in with being generally worn down and out of energy (so its really kicked me hard) along with things never having quite got back on track since the half-term week. I think winter setting in hasn't helped much either.
I know despite feeling better than I did on Tues I don't feel "right" physically. Last night was a combination of sweats and nightmare - and I know the only time I ever remember having a dream of any kind is when I have a fever), so I am pretty sure my thinking is kind of up the creek and things are blowing out of proportion and I am being overly negative and self-critical. I feel pretty jittery and on-edge and while paranoia and self-doubt are my middle names they aren't normally quite this blind. It does stink of my mind fighting battles it doesn't need to when I should just relax and get well, so I have no idea how much these things really are bothering me or if I am just picking at things for the sake of finding something. I guess time will tell.
I also know how worn down I am generally. This is, of course, my own stupid fault for not taking care of myself. Since half-term its too many skipped meals, too many disturbed nights sleep, add in stress at work and some evening work and you have a recipe for alan self-destructing.
My landlady flies from NL to Philipines on Sat... OK so she is already gone but, she is still in this timezone so we still chat, even though she is stressed as hell. After Sat, its a completley different timezone and I feel that loss coming. Its like a safety blanket going and the world suddenly feels a much scarier emptier lonelier place. Talking to her and to my best friend on the phone were two of the things that got me out of my head and into the real world so much and kept reminding me its only complicated if we make it... and with both those gone the temptation is to crawl back inside and hide.
Winter... means dark in the morning to work, dark in the evening at home. No more walks in the evening and that feeling of being trapped looms in. Winter does have some lovely delights but... the dark evenings for me are not one of them.
What it most comes down though I think is my lack of energy at the moment. When it becomes a struggle to talk to people because you just don't have the energy to think of anything to say, when every time you put on a smile for someone because you don't want to be a burden... that burns up a little more of what you had, well, it just becomes survival and the truth is I've even been sucking at surviving the way I've been behaving. Its amazing how quickly those skipped meals add up, just because I wasn't hungry. Then it comes to I get through work and am exhausted when I get home, and so have no desire to cook. Then I simply have no appetite. It is a vicious circle and one that does spiral downwards very quickly, probably into getting rundown enough to let a simple cold kick you in the shins like it has. You really just don't notice it while its happening though. Did I really skip that many meals? How did it add up so quickly? I am a smart, reasonably intelligent guy... how can I get so wrapped up in things I don't notice what I am doing to myself. Don't I care?
So back to basics, lets ignore the bad feelings, the old tunes I've been telling myself the last few days, the I'm so bad's... or the I have no right to feel like this as I have such a privilaged life. They aren't worth dwelling on, they are a by-product, a symptom of what I've let myself do to myself. Well, I think, as much as my fevered mind lets me think with any definite idea. Time to kick my ass out of the rut I've got myself in and do something about it as I'm the only one that can. That starts with dealing with my eating habits. Being disciplined. Yes, I know I should do these things naturally but I obviously don't so I need to do something about it. So, I am going to start at the beginning of the week writing a meal plan for the whole week, then going shopping for those specific meals to get over the whole aimless get home from work and wonder what i will have tonight and then not feel like it. Start having my multivitamins again, and look at other supplements to try and build up my immune system. Hopefully, get myself back into a better situation physically which will stop me getting rundown and worn out and have some energy to look at other things. I am also seriously considering joining a gym much as the thought scares me. I don't need to lose weight.. at 8 stone I am probably underweight but healthy for my metabolism when I don't forget myself. But... I know I have a fairly static job apart from my walk to and from work. Something says inside my head it would do me good to a) get out the house an evening a week, b) build up my general fitness, c) work out some of the stress from work and d) possibly most importantly do something to tire myself out physically as well as just mentally as work does. It might also improve my appetite and make me WANT to eat. Its the thought going round in my head at the moment anyway.
Its kind of weird how you can go from feeling hopeless to hopeful just with a few changes of thought. I will admit to just surviving at the moment and whilst the whole progression back to feeling like I am living again does seem too much to imagine or do, and so does make me feel hopeless - I can imagine working on just a few small things to make an improvement and see how we go from there. Even if this is me thinking too much as I am poorly I feel more positive having made some sort of plan going forward.
I really want to have the sort of energy I have which lets me love being around others and feel I have so much to give as its not taking away from me. I know how I am around people does change a lot when I feel weary and tired out and I much prefer the alan that can talk and talk for ages, even if he isn't a happy bunny and is rambling on about it... rather than just curl up quietly as he doesn't have the strength to speak. Thankfully though, somehow, if a someone needs to chat or lean on me that gives me a strength of its own, so I am glad I've not lost being able to do that upto now. Time to make sure I never DO lose that though. I mean, I do have a Mistress to keep entertained amongst other things ;-).
So, that starts tonight. I am taking tomorrow off and having a long weekend and going down to my parents for the weekend to see my boy (as he is down there for the weekend) and relaxing and resting and spending a few days away from a computer just to give my head chance to settle again. *grin* you don't know HOW much hard work it sounds to relax at the moment!
Barefaced cheek
For all those of you that have the sheer cheek and audacity to show you care and worry about me - despite me pushing you away, being grumpy or miserable or down or just saying "I'm ok" when thats blatantly untrue.
Thankyou. You don't know what it means.
group hug?
Thankyou. You don't know what it means.
group hug?
Boots and Trains
Oh my god.
So I was sitting next to this woman on the train who I see on and off most days who wears THE most fabulous boots every day. At 6.40 on a cold train station you notice the little click click click of heels.
Well I was sitting next to her in the aisle as it was a busy train and after stewing on it for mucho minutes turned round and said "Excuse me, but I really wanted to say how stunning your boots always look every day". I quickly explained that sometimes compliments shouldnt be left unsaid as you never know when it might make it a good day and managed to completely not blush at all. We exchanged a few more words and she said thankyou and then since I suck at ongoing conversation it went quiet. I am kind of glad though I did say something and didn't just sit in silence and then regret later the opportunity. At least next time I see her I can give her a smile and see whether she has taken a restraining order out on me as some weird-foot-fetishist. (OK so the fact I maybe one is nothing to do with it, no one else knows that dear blog).
Those boots DO look good though and as I told her, I admire anyone that can walk in those heels.
So I was sitting next to this woman on the train who I see on and off most days who wears THE most fabulous boots every day. At 6.40 on a cold train station you notice the little click click click of heels.
Well I was sitting next to her in the aisle as it was a busy train and after stewing on it for mucho minutes turned round and said "Excuse me, but I really wanted to say how stunning your boots always look every day". I quickly explained that sometimes compliments shouldnt be left unsaid as you never know when it might make it a good day and managed to completely not blush at all. We exchanged a few more words and she said thankyou and then since I suck at ongoing conversation it went quiet. I am kind of glad though I did say something and didn't just sit in silence and then regret later the opportunity. At least next time I see her I can give her a smile and see whether she has taken a restraining order out on me as some weird-foot-fetishist. (OK so the fact I maybe one is nothing to do with it, no one else knows that dear blog).
Those boots DO look good though and as I told her, I admire anyone that can walk in those heels.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Zippers
Somethings people say or show you just launch idea's fully fledged into your mind, so you just want to let them out, even if you do end up writing on the train ---
I could still remember the first time I'd seen the underwear on the website link she had sent. That complete fascination which led to me being unable to take my eyes off them. The way my heart seemed to stop beating at the beautiful lines of the cut, the smoooth curves you generally didn't get in men's underwear. That little shudder inside of both desire and repulsion at what wearing them meant, a little battle inside that in the end could only go one way as I gave into the attraction and revelled in the feeling inside, knowing she was sitting there quietly laughing knowing the struggle inside me that was playing over my face. I flicked on through the other leather panties, specially designed to be in male sizes but with a female cut. All beautiful in their own ways, with the added bonus of being in a soft leather that would be so warm to the touch. Such lovely lovely things. It was seeing the ones with the zips that made me gasp though. The implications of that, such a double shock. First the women's cut... and then such a slutty thing. Making easy access for whomever wanted it, whenever they wanted it. I knew she was laughing more at that, as well as that dreamy lustful purr.
Now though, wearing them, it was beyond that shock. It was like a daydream when I had unwrapped them from the soft tissue in the package and held them in my hands for the first time. Revelling in the softness, how it warmed to my fingers. The texture so different than anything else I had held. The little strips of leather holdin the front and back together, to fit snuggly on the hip. I just turned it over and over in my hands, somehow managing to ignore even thinking of the zip so obviously running down the middle. With a little sigh which marked the end of even considering what I was doing, I bent to slip my feet through and then to pull them up my legs and then covering me, readjusting myself to hide with the unaccustomed snugness. Shivering at the feel of them as they had caressed my skin, and now safely enclosed me. Shivering as I looked down and saw that unfamiliar shape on my body, knowing that would be there all day. Shivering as the metal of the zip ran straight up against my balls and tucked away cock, making me unable to forget about it.
The day passed both quickly and slowly. Every time I moved in my seat I could feel the leather pressed against me, the touch of the zipper moving over my skin, the unaccustomed clinginess, so many different sensations. Sensual, disturbing, but definitely distracting. Unable to forget about it that was for sure, knowing it was there. I looked around all the time, sure people would notice somehow, either in the way I quietly squirmed in my chair, wriggling around on my bum to both get used to the feel.. and to feel it more. Or maybe some of the line would show through my trousers? Or maybe just how I acted? Or maybe... I don't know, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me of eyes on me all day.
It was a relief to get home, past the ordeal of the train journey. An ordeal? Yes, because of the eyes... but a delicious agony at that. By now I was getting a little lost in the act of what she had me wearing, the pinprick of humiliation of being dressed like this for her bringing out the sheer wanton slut inside me. The twisting around inside just having worked me up more until I couldn't think of much else apart from her. Somehow it no longer felt humiliating, it was just replaced with a desire to be like this, wanting to hear her whisper to me how pretty I looked. She had me undress when I got home. To stand in front of her in just the leather panties and turn on the spot so she could admire. A little breathy sigh from her followed by those words I had longed to hear and that just melted me. "My pretty little bitch". I closed my eyes tight and locked my knee's at the sudden rush of blood thoughtout my body made me feel dizzy. When her hand moved to stroke up my thigh and then over my backside, stroking it through the leather all I could do was tremble... a barely audible "thankyou Ma`am" falling from my lips, the temptation to fall to my knee's almost too much to bear.
I didn't have to really worry about that, she didn't want me standing for long. Hooking her foot under a small rectangular stool she dragged it over, dropping a pillow on the top and placing it before me. Reaching up she twisted her fingers in my hair, bringing my lips to hers to kiss her hungrily before snapping the leash to my collar and and forcing me downwards to drape across the stool, pushing my head down more so my ass shot up in the air. That she couldn't resist and lay a light slap across it with her free hand, chuckling to herself at the sound it made on the panties.
"Stay there pet" she rasped, a peculiar husky quality to her voice as she wrapped the leash around one of the front legs, leaving me to shake quietly in that position. She came back behind me, I could feel her warmth against my side as her leg brushed past, then the soft gentleness of her fingers as they ran back from my shoulders, down my arms caressing, til she caught my wrists in her fingers and pulled them sharply together across the middle of my back, holding them in place while she swiftly bound them in place. Her hands slipped between my thighs, making me moan as she gently parted them wide... my cock swelling in response to her light touches, the way she twisted her hands to trail her nails against my skin. The tightness of the panties as my cock swelled made me moan and squirm, which just encouraged her more... making me willingly part my legs for her. In a moment I had no choice as she deftly slipped more rope around them and tied them to the appropriate leg of the stool, holding me in that position she had so delicately teased me into. I could feel the rope cutting tight into my thighs, holding me still, stopping me from squirming as she ran her hands over my body, up my sides then raking down my back making me moan and struggle to move, so aware of how my cock had pushed free from the top of the panties, pressing into the pillow... leaking.
"My pretty slut" she purred as her fingers roamed down lower between my legs, reaching up to cup and stroke me through the leather. I moaned of course, hell I moaned, throwing my head back as it was the only thing I could move... and even then only barely without choking myself. Her fingers caressed and probed til she was satisfied, trailing the wet tips down my thigh as my body responded to her. Purrring quietly to herself she ran her fingers back up my hardness before grasping the zipper and pulling it down with a slow deliberateness, the sound of it unzipping filling the room. I sighed at the sudden freedom as the panties fell apartchanging to a groan as her fingers teased between my cheeks. She rubbed a lubed finger against that hole, then pressing it... firmly, waiting til it gave and took her inside, twisting it slowly round laughing to herself at the different sounds she could make me make. Pulling free to push in a second, stretching... Then emptiness as you pulled back, walking round to crouch down in front of me, fingers lightly under my chin to raise my head and look in my eyes. Eyes that went wide at the unexpected sound of another zip being undone behind me. Eyes that looked up in panic at the feel of a hand spreading my ass cheeks, roughly rubbing more cold lubricant against at place. Eyes that looked up in a silent plea of I don't know what as the rough fingers were replaced by something else that was large... hard... pushing against that tiny hole. It hurt as it stretched, it hurt so bad there was no way I could take it in... I couldn't move, I tried to cried out but she stifled me with her mouth, kissing me hard as I was pushed into the stool, the pain growing more and more until... it was inside me and I was just full.... so so full, my insides feeling pressed in every direction, feeling it swelling and shrinking inside me as he clenched. Rough hands falling to my hips, nails digging in as he held me down and started to thrust... slowly at first and then harder and harder as it became slipperier, driving me into her kiss. She pulled back holding my face, watching me as his hips pressed into me, driving into my ass, making my eyes roll back in my head with each stroke, forgetting what was happening to me as it hit places inside i didn't know were there, but loved. Groaning with pleasure, my eyes full of lust and seeing the same mirrored in hers, panting hard, having to lay there and just take it and be filled, a hand holding me onto mind as they pressed into my back, using me as leverage. Fucking, hard, groans coming from behind mixing with ours and rising in pitch til with a groan and hard thrust i felt a sudden warmth inside me as his cock pulsed over and over, making me feel so tight and swollen inside.
The emptiness as he pulled free was almost painful, making me look up at Mistress with confusion, then the little trickle of cum from my ass down my leg reminding me how she could see me there spread bound over the stool, panties pulled up. Purrring she licked my lips and stroked my cheek, saying words I could barely hear in my ear as my lust and shame were just replaced with the warmth of her pleasure in me.
I could still remember the first time I'd seen the underwear on the website link she had sent. That complete fascination which led to me being unable to take my eyes off them. The way my heart seemed to stop beating at the beautiful lines of the cut, the smoooth curves you generally didn't get in men's underwear. That little shudder inside of both desire and repulsion at what wearing them meant, a little battle inside that in the end could only go one way as I gave into the attraction and revelled in the feeling inside, knowing she was sitting there quietly laughing knowing the struggle inside me that was playing over my face. I flicked on through the other leather panties, specially designed to be in male sizes but with a female cut. All beautiful in their own ways, with the added bonus of being in a soft leather that would be so warm to the touch. Such lovely lovely things. It was seeing the ones with the zips that made me gasp though. The implications of that, such a double shock. First the women's cut... and then such a slutty thing. Making easy access for whomever wanted it, whenever they wanted it. I knew she was laughing more at that, as well as that dreamy lustful purr.
Now though, wearing them, it was beyond that shock. It was like a daydream when I had unwrapped them from the soft tissue in the package and held them in my hands for the first time. Revelling in the softness, how it warmed to my fingers. The texture so different than anything else I had held. The little strips of leather holdin the front and back together, to fit snuggly on the hip. I just turned it over and over in my hands, somehow managing to ignore even thinking of the zip so obviously running down the middle. With a little sigh which marked the end of even considering what I was doing, I bent to slip my feet through and then to pull them up my legs and then covering me, readjusting myself to hide with the unaccustomed snugness. Shivering at the feel of them as they had caressed my skin, and now safely enclosed me. Shivering as I looked down and saw that unfamiliar shape on my body, knowing that would be there all day. Shivering as the metal of the zip ran straight up against my balls and tucked away cock, making me unable to forget about it.
The day passed both quickly and slowly. Every time I moved in my seat I could feel the leather pressed against me, the touch of the zipper moving over my skin, the unaccustomed clinginess, so many different sensations. Sensual, disturbing, but definitely distracting. Unable to forget about it that was for sure, knowing it was there. I looked around all the time, sure people would notice somehow, either in the way I quietly squirmed in my chair, wriggling around on my bum to both get used to the feel.. and to feel it more. Or maybe some of the line would show through my trousers? Or maybe just how I acted? Or maybe... I don't know, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me of eyes on me all day.
It was a relief to get home, past the ordeal of the train journey. An ordeal? Yes, because of the eyes... but a delicious agony at that. By now I was getting a little lost in the act of what she had me wearing, the pinprick of humiliation of being dressed like this for her bringing out the sheer wanton slut inside me. The twisting around inside just having worked me up more until I couldn't think of much else apart from her. Somehow it no longer felt humiliating, it was just replaced with a desire to be like this, wanting to hear her whisper to me how pretty I looked. She had me undress when I got home. To stand in front of her in just the leather panties and turn on the spot so she could admire. A little breathy sigh from her followed by those words I had longed to hear and that just melted me. "My pretty little bitch". I closed my eyes tight and locked my knee's at the sudden rush of blood thoughtout my body made me feel dizzy. When her hand moved to stroke up my thigh and then over my backside, stroking it through the leather all I could do was tremble... a barely audible "thankyou Ma`am" falling from my lips, the temptation to fall to my knee's almost too much to bear.
I didn't have to really worry about that, she didn't want me standing for long. Hooking her foot under a small rectangular stool she dragged it over, dropping a pillow on the top and placing it before me. Reaching up she twisted her fingers in my hair, bringing my lips to hers to kiss her hungrily before snapping the leash to my collar and and forcing me downwards to drape across the stool, pushing my head down more so my ass shot up in the air. That she couldn't resist and lay a light slap across it with her free hand, chuckling to herself at the sound it made on the panties.
"Stay there pet" she rasped, a peculiar husky quality to her voice as she wrapped the leash around one of the front legs, leaving me to shake quietly in that position. She came back behind me, I could feel her warmth against my side as her leg brushed past, then the soft gentleness of her fingers as they ran back from my shoulders, down my arms caressing, til she caught my wrists in her fingers and pulled them sharply together across the middle of my back, holding them in place while she swiftly bound them in place. Her hands slipped between my thighs, making me moan as she gently parted them wide... my cock swelling in response to her light touches, the way she twisted her hands to trail her nails against my skin. The tightness of the panties as my cock swelled made me moan and squirm, which just encouraged her more... making me willingly part my legs for her. In a moment I had no choice as she deftly slipped more rope around them and tied them to the appropriate leg of the stool, holding me in that position she had so delicately teased me into. I could feel the rope cutting tight into my thighs, holding me still, stopping me from squirming as she ran her hands over my body, up my sides then raking down my back making me moan and struggle to move, so aware of how my cock had pushed free from the top of the panties, pressing into the pillow... leaking.
"My pretty slut" she purred as her fingers roamed down lower between my legs, reaching up to cup and stroke me through the leather. I moaned of course, hell I moaned, throwing my head back as it was the only thing I could move... and even then only barely without choking myself. Her fingers caressed and probed til she was satisfied, trailing the wet tips down my thigh as my body responded to her. Purrring quietly to herself she ran her fingers back up my hardness before grasping the zipper and pulling it down with a slow deliberateness, the sound of it unzipping filling the room. I sighed at the sudden freedom as the panties fell apartchanging to a groan as her fingers teased between my cheeks. She rubbed a lubed finger against that hole, then pressing it... firmly, waiting til it gave and took her inside, twisting it slowly round laughing to herself at the different sounds she could make me make. Pulling free to push in a second, stretching... Then emptiness as you pulled back, walking round to crouch down in front of me, fingers lightly under my chin to raise my head and look in my eyes. Eyes that went wide at the unexpected sound of another zip being undone behind me. Eyes that looked up in panic at the feel of a hand spreading my ass cheeks, roughly rubbing more cold lubricant against at place. Eyes that looked up in a silent plea of I don't know what as the rough fingers were replaced by something else that was large... hard... pushing against that tiny hole. It hurt as it stretched, it hurt so bad there was no way I could take it in... I couldn't move, I tried to cried out but she stifled me with her mouth, kissing me hard as I was pushed into the stool, the pain growing more and more until... it was inside me and I was just full.... so so full, my insides feeling pressed in every direction, feeling it swelling and shrinking inside me as he clenched. Rough hands falling to my hips, nails digging in as he held me down and started to thrust... slowly at first and then harder and harder as it became slipperier, driving me into her kiss. She pulled back holding my face, watching me as his hips pressed into me, driving into my ass, making my eyes roll back in my head with each stroke, forgetting what was happening to me as it hit places inside i didn't know were there, but loved. Groaning with pleasure, my eyes full of lust and seeing the same mirrored in hers, panting hard, having to lay there and just take it and be filled, a hand holding me onto mind as they pressed into my back, using me as leverage. Fucking, hard, groans coming from behind mixing with ours and rising in pitch til with a groan and hard thrust i felt a sudden warmth inside me as his cock pulsed over and over, making me feel so tight and swollen inside.
The emptiness as he pulled free was almost painful, making me look up at Mistress with confusion, then the little trickle of cum from my ass down my leg reminding me how she could see me there spread bound over the stool, panties pulled up. Purrring she licked my lips and stroked my cheek, saying words I could barely hear in my ear as my lust and shame were just replaced with the warmth of her pleasure in me.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Gifts
I've been left speechless tonight after opening a gift from my Owner's best friend over in the US. I don't think its quite sunk in that she spent the time to make these for my boy and I for Christmas. I have a very wide smile on my face and my boy has gone to bed giggling after I sent him a picture of them to look at.
This is such a beautifully kind thing to do and I am honoured she thought of us and gave us this gift of love. Thankyou!!! They will take pride of place when we decorate for Christmas, and decorate we will. I promise.
This is such a beautifully kind thing to do and I am honoured she thought of us and gave us this gift of love. Thankyou!!! They will take pride of place when we decorate for Christmas, and decorate we will. I promise.
Reading wicked things
I started reading a new book on the train this morning. I go through phases of reading loads and then I read a book that either slows me down or I just can't complete and I sort of stop for awhile before something else catches my interest and just makes me want to read.
The new book is Gregory Maguire's "Wicked", the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West. I've wanted to read it since I heard about it and I finally saw it discounted at the weekend so snapped up a copy (ok, so we were supposed to be doing early Christmas present shopping). I've loved the Wizard of Oz for years... years and years in fact. At one of my previous jobs there was someone as mad as me in the IT dept. We kept each other from going really lala by enjoying our madness. She was the Wicked Witch and I was Dorothy. She used to go round the office calling me Dotty all the time, much to the confusion of everyone else. I would just click my heels together and humm "there's no place like home, there's no place like home" and mutter on about my ruby slippers as we definitely were not in Kansas anymore (or anyplace that was vaguely following normal laws).
So.... Now dear Dotty can click again and read the true story of his evil sister. I don't think I have ever enjoyed reading a prologue more. The author talks of his time coming over to England and writing the novel. The joy he had visiting the places he had read about in fantasy's for years... The way he whistfully name drops some of my favourite british "children's" author's as people that inspired him, those I always think no one has ever heard of.. Dianna Wynne Jones, Susan Cooper.... Happy happy memories from my childhood. I can almost see him sitting in the cafe, stealing the table to write as he looked on at one of his favourite author's as they came in to write to.
Magical, just magical - and that was before I even started reading the novel.
*clicks his heels and wishes he were home so he could carry on reading*
The new book is Gregory Maguire's "Wicked", the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West. I've wanted to read it since I heard about it and I finally saw it discounted at the weekend so snapped up a copy (ok, so we were supposed to be doing early Christmas present shopping). I've loved the Wizard of Oz for years... years and years in fact. At one of my previous jobs there was someone as mad as me in the IT dept. We kept each other from going really lala by enjoying our madness. She was the Wicked Witch and I was Dorothy. She used to go round the office calling me Dotty all the time, much to the confusion of everyone else. I would just click my heels together and humm "there's no place like home, there's no place like home" and mutter on about my ruby slippers as we definitely were not in Kansas anymore (or anyplace that was vaguely following normal laws).
So.... Now dear Dotty can click again and read the true story of his evil sister. I don't think I have ever enjoyed reading a prologue more. The author talks of his time coming over to England and writing the novel. The joy he had visiting the places he had read about in fantasy's for years... The way he whistfully name drops some of my favourite british "children's" author's as people that inspired him, those I always think no one has ever heard of.. Dianna Wynne Jones, Susan Cooper.... Happy happy memories from my childhood. I can almost see him sitting in the cafe, stealing the table to write as he looked on at one of his favourite author's as they came in to write to.
Magical, just magical - and that was before I even started reading the novel.
*clicks his heels and wishes he were home so he could carry on reading*
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Learning to eat
Last night was one of those times when something happened which my mind just kind of short-cicruits and switches off about if I think about it. I can still kind of creep up at the edges of it and look at and then it just goes all... weird. Nice weird. Definitely definitely nice weird.
After asking me what was for dinner, My owner told me it was now time to eat from my bowl and that the soup I was going to have was a good idea. When she said it, my heart just kind of stopped. I don't know why, I think it was the shock of it. She has a way of getting me to get ready for things and then leaving it just long enough for me to have put it out of my mind before bringing it up again, so its just a total shock again.
When I was sent off to go reheat the soup I was in a little bit of a daze and I had to really concentrate, and it was a slightly surreal experience pouring the soup from the saucepan into the dog bowl and then carrying it into the lounge by the PC and placing it on the floor. Well first of all I placed it on the table mat on the coffee table and then looked at it and thought... hmmm this isn't right, this isn't how puppys are... just as she had said to me earlier before. Placing it on the floor was again one of those strangely intense moments when something inside just seems to bend and makes you want to mew.
Looking at it there, knowing she knew I was going to eat and then trying to take the first few mouthfuls. It made such a noise... slurping with my lips and leaning into the hot soup (a beef broth and vegetable btw, yummy), getting each lump of meat with my lips and dragging it between my teeth. Very quickly i realised my glasses were getting in the way and if i didnt want to starve or didnt want to scratch them on the edge of the metal bowl they would have to come off... so they did, and this left me very blind, just able to see the bowl clearly. On my hands and knee's i started trying to eat properly but my neck doesnt bend like that so... i found lying flat on my stomach with arms drawn up either side of the bowl but not touching it worked best. Pushing my face into the bowl, forehead pressed against the top rim and getting my chin deep into the bowl so it dripped down it, tongue and mouth into the bowl and sucking and lapping and chasing food around. It was.. messy... but the more i did it the less i cared. I wanted to eat like this, like she had ordered, and everything else stopped mattering. I curled over on my side a little to chase it round more, moving the bowl back and forth with my chin, learning to spin it with my face rather than use my hands... not touching it. I was... shocked, how I responded.
That quiet passivity, that feeling inside of the world shrinking away and just this one thing being there... this one task at hand, being so hyperfocused... I guess that wasn't so surprising, the deep ache in my balls though and the tightening of them, that I hadnt expected at all. Then imaginging how I looked with my face buried in the bowl, wiggling around on the floor trying to get all the food I can... that had that wonderful sting of slight humiliation which I know always arouses me despite the prickle of redness on my face from a near blush... I know by the end my chin and nose were covered before i wiped them in frustration to put my glasses on so I could say i couldnt get to the corners... I chose too deep a bowl, it was all that was in the shop and its a lesson learnt. She kindly let me use a spoon to finish.
I don't quite know how I think about it, but it left a deep ache inside and didn't feel as strange or unnatural as I had expected. There was a certain click inside me I'm sure.
After asking me what was for dinner, My owner told me it was now time to eat from my bowl and that the soup I was going to have was a good idea. When she said it, my heart just kind of stopped. I don't know why, I think it was the shock of it. She has a way of getting me to get ready for things and then leaving it just long enough for me to have put it out of my mind before bringing it up again, so its just a total shock again.
When I was sent off to go reheat the soup I was in a little bit of a daze and I had to really concentrate, and it was a slightly surreal experience pouring the soup from the saucepan into the dog bowl and then carrying it into the lounge by the PC and placing it on the floor. Well first of all I placed it on the table mat on the coffee table and then looked at it and thought... hmmm this isn't right, this isn't how puppys are... just as she had said to me earlier before. Placing it on the floor was again one of those strangely intense moments when something inside just seems to bend and makes you want to mew.
Looking at it there, knowing she knew I was going to eat and then trying to take the first few mouthfuls. It made such a noise... slurping with my lips and leaning into the hot soup (a beef broth and vegetable btw, yummy), getting each lump of meat with my lips and dragging it between my teeth. Very quickly i realised my glasses were getting in the way and if i didnt want to starve or didnt want to scratch them on the edge of the metal bowl they would have to come off... so they did, and this left me very blind, just able to see the bowl clearly. On my hands and knee's i started trying to eat properly but my neck doesnt bend like that so... i found lying flat on my stomach with arms drawn up either side of the bowl but not touching it worked best. Pushing my face into the bowl, forehead pressed against the top rim and getting my chin deep into the bowl so it dripped down it, tongue and mouth into the bowl and sucking and lapping and chasing food around. It was.. messy... but the more i did it the less i cared. I wanted to eat like this, like she had ordered, and everything else stopped mattering. I curled over on my side a little to chase it round more, moving the bowl back and forth with my chin, learning to spin it with my face rather than use my hands... not touching it. I was... shocked, how I responded.
That quiet passivity, that feeling inside of the world shrinking away and just this one thing being there... this one task at hand, being so hyperfocused... I guess that wasn't so surprising, the deep ache in my balls though and the tightening of them, that I hadnt expected at all. Then imaginging how I looked with my face buried in the bowl, wiggling around on the floor trying to get all the food I can... that had that wonderful sting of slight humiliation which I know always arouses me despite the prickle of redness on my face from a near blush... I know by the end my chin and nose were covered before i wiped them in frustration to put my glasses on so I could say i couldnt get to the corners... I chose too deep a bowl, it was all that was in the shop and its a lesson learnt. She kindly let me use a spoon to finish.
I don't quite know how I think about it, but it left a deep ache inside and didn't feel as strange or unnatural as I had expected. There was a certain click inside me I'm sure.
A day in the life...
The last few days I've been battling with my Solaris 10 builds at work. Its very boring frustrating work as it involves making small minor changes to fix things and kick it off again on a test server to try try try again. Patience is a virtue. Not killing people out of frustration is even more of a virtue :)
Its good though, doing technical stuff and not meetings. I have finally got our Sol 10 build on SUN systems working after giving up on waiting for officially being told I am allowed to work on it and just doing it anyway... and so moved onto Fujitsu. Its good solid reliable kit but kinda backward in ways and the support is frankly not so hot. So Friday was tweaking stuff so it would work with the non-SUN kit and then trying and failing all day to get it to boot off the network.
Yesterday was again the same, trying every single little thing to get the damn thing not to panic and boot til finally finally one of those moments that makes it all worthwhile. The hallelujah moment when you realise the one difference they forgot to mention and suddenly it just starts working.
Oh my does it make it all worth it! I left it testing the rest of the build last night with the happy smile of achievement. Gotta love being a geek on days like this :)
Its good though, doing technical stuff and not meetings. I have finally got our Sol 10 build on SUN systems working after giving up on waiting for officially being told I am allowed to work on it and just doing it anyway... and so moved onto Fujitsu. Its good solid reliable kit but kinda backward in ways and the support is frankly not so hot. So Friday was tweaking stuff so it would work with the non-SUN kit and then trying and failing all day to get it to boot off the network.
Yesterday was again the same, trying every single little thing to get the damn thing not to panic and boot til finally finally one of those moments that makes it all worthwhile. The hallelujah moment when you realise the one difference they forgot to mention and suddenly it just starts working.
Oh my does it make it all worth it! I left it testing the rest of the build last night with the happy smile of achievement. Gotta love being a geek on days like this :)
Arizona
After a frustrating day with British Airways keep deciding to reject my credit card (hell, even eBay did too), I finally sorted out the new online security thing from Visa and waded though umpteen screenfuls of details again and passport info and booked the boy and my flight for Feb!
Woohoo, the boy is so excited! We are going out for a week to see my brother and sis-in-law and my niece, as well as my snowbirds of parents who are going out to the warmer weather from Jan to April. It'll be my boys first time to go out and visit them and he is SO excited. I have to admit I am too now its finally booked :)
Glendale here we come!
Woohoo, the boy is so excited! We are going out for a week to see my brother and sis-in-law and my niece, as well as my snowbirds of parents who are going out to the warmer weather from Jan to April. It'll be my boys first time to go out and visit them and he is SO excited. I have to admit I am too now its finally booked :)
Glendale here we come!
Hearing voices
A very dear friend gave me the most amazing surprise this morning. She phoned me before work and changed from one of those people in the "dear friends i've never had chance to speak to" bucket to one of the rare few in my "speaking friends". I am always scared of the first few times with a phone, or voice chat... I get nervous, hate awkward silences, misunderstandings, having trouble with accents. One of the great benefits of having two Scottish friends has been getting over that whole worry of not understanding whats said and having to say "pardon?". 90% of the time with car noise and their accents I haven't a clue whats been said so I've kind of got used to saying that...
I was asleep when she phoned so I think I rambled but, it has really made my day. She is as lovely to talk to as she always has been online and its given me a whole new perspective. I can't believe how shy she sounded, despite her telling me she was. I adored every word though and have the biggest quiet smile on my face to take me through anything the day throws at me.
One thing that struck me though, after the call, was if you decide something is far too important to let fail - you won't let it. Somethings just mean enough to kick me out of either my apathy or reticence to make that extra effort and say this IS a good thing and it WILL be good despite how I normally am. There was no way we weren't going to enjoy that call and drop into awkward silence, even if I had to ramble to make sure she enjoyed it as much as I did. She giggled lots. This is a good good thing and a sound I loved to hear.
I was asleep when she phoned so I think I rambled but, it has really made my day. She is as lovely to talk to as she always has been online and its given me a whole new perspective. I can't believe how shy she sounded, despite her telling me she was. I adored every word though and have the biggest quiet smile on my face to take me through anything the day throws at me.
One thing that struck me though, after the call, was if you decide something is far too important to let fail - you won't let it. Somethings just mean enough to kick me out of either my apathy or reticence to make that extra effort and say this IS a good thing and it WILL be good despite how I normally am. There was no way we weren't going to enjoy that call and drop into awkward silence, even if I had to ramble to make sure she enjoyed it as much as I did. She giggled lots. This is a good good thing and a sound I loved to hear.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Offers
Something happened Friday night when I got home from work that left me a little shell-shocked. Well more than a little, so much so I couldn't speak and just had to forward the email to a couple of friends as I couldnt even paraphrase it. The last interview I went to... the one I knew I had no chance of getting as I had totally the wrong experience and skillset... Well they emailed me Friday night to say they were recommending me for the position, pending HR approval.
This was an oh my god I don't know what to think moment, as I really did not expect this. There was no way this could happen but it did... and it just goes to show. I may not be too bad at this after all and it left me with a very warm feeling about it all. After a weekend of consideration and rereading my blog, I'm going to let them know I don't want the application to proceed. Its too much of a pay drop and the things I wrote before still stand. I would get frustrated and its not the place for me, for now. See, blogging helps *smile* i don't have to re-remember the things I thought and decided I can go back and peek and check. I know I was thinking fairly clearly then as I really did not expect an offer so I could think without pressure, so I stand by that decision.
But... but... *smiles softly* I am kinda proud of myself.
This was an oh my god I don't know what to think moment, as I really did not expect this. There was no way this could happen but it did... and it just goes to show. I may not be too bad at this after all and it left me with a very warm feeling about it all. After a weekend of consideration and rereading my blog, I'm going to let them know I don't want the application to proceed. Its too much of a pay drop and the things I wrote before still stand. I would get frustrated and its not the place for me, for now. See, blogging helps *smile* i don't have to re-remember the things I thought and decided I can go back and peek and check. I know I was thinking fairly clearly then as I really did not expect an offer so I could think without pressure, so I stand by that decision.
But... but... *smiles softly* I am kinda proud of myself.
Risk
Does anyone really know how to play Risk, properly? The boy and I bought the junior edition (based on the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe) on Saturday and had a fun Sunday morning playing it in which he trounced me unmercifully. We are a little dubious on the finer points of the rules though so I think we may have bastardised them unmercifully.... So if anyone knows how to play...
What fun though and I am so impressed with how patient he is getting.
What fun though and I am so impressed with how patient he is getting.
Morning
What a beautiful morning. The frozen fields, the river thames mist-laden and still, the moon in the frost-filled sky bulbous and heavy looking down on the train as it rushed by. So peaceful looking, like a photo capturing an instant in time never to be forgotten. Was anyone else looking out the window on the way to work this morning, or too pre-occupied with the day ahead to notice the moment happening right now?
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Fireworks
Guy Fawkes. God I love him. Our one special English little celebration and its typically eccentric and British. Standing around in a field in the freezing cold watching a bonfire be lit with an effigy of good old Guy Fawkes to burn away on top. Damn I am glad its one thing we are not politically correct on. Let's celebrate with pride our quaint little English tradition of remembering a failed terrorist attack on the government. Let's celebrate his excecution and merrily cheer on as we watch the fireworks and bonfire each year.
I so love our peculiarly English celebration that so many join in on. Our special day. I loved cuddling and chatting with my boy last night as we enjoyed it together. May it never end.
I so love our peculiarly English celebration that so many join in on. Our special day. I loved cuddling and chatting with my boy last night as we enjoyed it together. May it never end.
Planet Earth
Planet Earth. There isn't often I hear a tv programme advertised that actually genuinely makes me excited. The last was when they advertised the start of the new Doctor Who series... the fact I could sit with my boy and watch cuddled up, the same way I did with my Dad... it was a continuation of generations. Passing on the times I was so lucky to have had and now he had his own memories, his own times hiding and delighting at being scared.
So, this time... when I heard those opening bars of "Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla" that they use for the adverts, I stopped breathing and just watched, feeling the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. There is something about that music that is appropriately breathtaking, awe inspiring and just... wow. After the first set of episodes of Planet Earth... just the sound of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is the natural history programme to end all others and I am so excited to see it come back. Five years in the making, a programme where they took two years just to get permission to film on Navy ships in the artic, to hunt around for weeks just for 30 secs of film. Three months of editting just for a single episode. This is why I love the BBC. Such patience, such devotion, and the result... one that takes your breath away in the beauty of our planet.
So, this time... when I heard those opening bars of "Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla" that they use for the adverts, I stopped breathing and just watched, feeling the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. There is something about that music that is appropriately breathtaking, awe inspiring and just... wow. After the first set of episodes of Planet Earth... just the sound of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is the natural history programme to end all others and I am so excited to see it come back. Five years in the making, a programme where they took two years just to get permission to film on Navy ships in the artic, to hunt around for weeks just for 30 secs of film. Three months of editting just for a single episode. This is why I love the BBC. Such patience, such devotion, and the result... one that takes your breath away in the beauty of our planet.
Lardon Chase and the Holies
The other week I stopped took a turning I've been meaning to take for awhile, just past the Bull at Streatley. Since I've lived here I've looked at the sign saying "Lardon Chase & The Hollies" and thought hmmm wonder what its like up there and never gone, though I've always had to avoid hitting the walkers coming down from there and crossing the road without paying attention...
Isn't it funny, the places so close to us we never end up visiting? Its like never having taken the boy to the Didcot Railway Centre even though I use that train station every day. Well, last week I was early enough to take that turn and drive up the road to see what that bit of countryside was like. Its a fairly steep hill and one thing my little car does NOT like is hills so there was much gnashing of teeth as I got slower and slower driving up. I didnt panic at all honestly, lol, well maybe a little... I get nervous around strange hills in case there is suddenly exposed drops on one side that gets to my fear of heights. Driving and high places are not me :). A nice little car park and then to explore. On one side we have Lardon Chase which starts with a beautiful hill overlooking the town, opening up to rolling fields and the promises of brisk walks on crisp winter mornings with a flask of coffee in the car waiting for when you get back. Maybe a Christmas walk and then warmed mulled wine at home and some mince pies. Mmmmm.
Isn't it funny, the places so close to us we never end up visiting? Its like never having taken the boy to the Didcot Railway Centre even though I use that train station every day. Well, last week I was early enough to take that turn and drive up the road to see what that bit of countryside was like. Its a fairly steep hill and one thing my little car does NOT like is hills so there was much gnashing of teeth as I got slower and slower driving up. I didnt panic at all honestly, lol, well maybe a little... I get nervous around strange hills in case there is suddenly exposed drops on one side that gets to my fear of heights. Driving and high places are not me :). A nice little car park and then to explore. On one side we have Lardon Chase which starts with a beautiful hill overlooking the town, opening up to rolling fields and the promises of brisk walks on crisp winter mornings with a flask of coffee in the car waiting for when you get back. Maybe a Christmas walk and then warmed mulled wine at home and some mince pies. Mmmmm.
After a half hour gentle traipse around and the growing realisation I really really needed a pee so probably shouldn't go too far or I would have a VERY uncomfortable drive home... I slipped across the road to the other side, into the woodland of the Hollies. A totally different world, shady compared to the sunny openness of the Chase, paths through the tree's leading to who knows where.
So... such beautiful country and now its getting too dark in the evenings to go explore. *pout* *pout* *pout*. One early Saturday though...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Cycles
The end of the week and in hindsight it's gone its usual course when the house empties. I guess I am not so worried about it now because I know this is how I react. Writing it down has done that for me, shown me the cycles I go through, made them less scary, less intimidating each time, less oh my god whats wrong with me.
It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.
It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.
The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.
On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.
It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.
It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.
The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.
On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.
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