Sometimes being a parent is exhausting, sometimes its exhilarating, sometimes its terrifying and you feel helpless. Sometimes you just feel proud and as like you've really done well.
I picked up my boy from drama yesterday and he was in the gabbling a 1000 words a minute mood, spitting out words about school yesterday as something was on his mind. We pulled over at the nearest McDonalds and shared a happy meal between us (frugal! heh) so he could sit and talk and I could listen properly. He talked about school, it was a bit mixed up and garbled but he obviously needed to talk it out. Once he had finished and looked a bit huffy but spent we talked about other things, our coming up trip to San Francisco and I told him his cousin was coming with us. He was so excited about that his face just lit up!
When we got back to the car my cell rang and it was a friend in tears. He sat happily playing next to me while I talked to her. He didn't fuss at all, I was so proud of him. He just made little comments like who is it, is she alright. He also sounded very surprised and said "Daddy how come you are so practical" at what I was saying to her on the phone. Heh. I thanked him after for giving me the time to talk to her and he said that was ok. Such a lovely little boy!!
Today we had to do homework, and that ended in tears of frustration (his, not mine!). Fractions and he just wanted to guess answers. So tears, stomping, anger, and I told him to go to his room for 5 mins to calm down. He did, he came out, he still didn't want to listen but I sat down with him and showed him how to work through a couple of them and this time he actually started listening and not just getting frustrated as he "couldn't do it". After a few he started giggling and laughing. I didn't QUITE get an "oh this is easy" but I could tell he was thinking it. In the end he finished them all happily and all the tears and anger were gone.
It made me proud of myself in a way, that I had been patient with him and persisted, and I had seen the reward of his giggling and being comfortable with it. It also made me very proud of my little boy that despite the tantrums occasionally, he is such a special little boy.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Public Geekery
Last night I went to an OpenSource user group up in London (don't worry if you don't know what that means, assume its technicaly geekery of an extreme manner and you are not far off). Yes, a bunch of geeks meeting to voluntarily listen to more geekery after work in their own time just because its itneresting. It's the first time I've been and I came VERY close to finding excuses to not go or chicken out at the last moment, but I went in anyway. I find groups really hard, especially groups of strangers but knowing we were all there because we were interested made it a bit easier.... especially as it wasn't just a chatting thing but to listen to someone give a presentation on something I found pretty interesting. Wine and beer was supplied before, with a very nice hot meal after. The presentation was great and by the general cohesiveness of geeks other people on their own kind of gravitated together and said hi and then started talking about things often half-incomprehensible to me (since I am a SysAdmin, not a developer). In that situation though, being quiet and listening wasn't QUITE as uncomfortable as it is elsewhere as it was actually interesting... and when things moved to more my area then I could express opinions. So it wasn't easy but I had fun and it was definitely worth the late night after all the travel and I am glad I did it.
It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.
Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny
I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!
It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.
Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny
I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!
Trains
There are three basic things I expect travelling by train in the UK:
1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.
I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.
Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.
BUT
Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...
1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.
I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.
Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.
BUT
Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Following on from my pride post, one of my awardees (hmmm do I have to give them a prize?) helpfully posted something which totally shows why I said this about them.Go read It has been almost a year since............................ Showing just how far one woman can come in a year. For anyone that pooh pooh's the value of friends you've met online, or even what sites like ALT can do. This is how much difference your support of one person can make. I hope we all think about that next time we look at something and say "shall I email or not?".Alan
Monday, January 14, 2008
Smelly Feet
I have smelly feet. Well actually I have a smelly foot. A left smelly foot to be totally precise.
It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.
I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???
It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.
I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???
Pride
At the turn of the new year I read several blogs with a common theme. Reviewing the year and saying thankyou to those that had made a difference in their lives that year. I thought about this, but hopefully I said thanks throughout the year... and if I didn't, you totally have my permission to come over and spank me in person. If you don't have my address come ask me ;-).
So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.
Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.
ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.
Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.
So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.
So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.
Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.
ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.
Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.
So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Christmas and Stuff
A new year, and one I am glad of. With the pressure of Christmas off things seem to be much less stressful. Is it bad to think that? That Christmas being over is a relief? In the end I relaxed over it, and stopped being so hung up on the whole family thing, but it still felt like work... and work for other peoples sake. Rushing around, doing the Christmas thing. Turning up at the right places at the right times. Making sure cards and presents were sent off... I am glad I regained my sense of humour over it though. Several of the presents I sent to the USA were a little ummmm worse for wear when they arrived. Well, one arrived as just the wrapping paper.... But it made me laugh and they laughed with me. I guess it really is the thought that counts!
My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.
After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.
My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.
After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.
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