ramblings of a poly pup

Weddings

2008-07-10T23:03:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow is my sisters wedding. I've been fairly ambivalent about this because well... it's a family social function which is generally shall we say less than the optimum of stress free experiences.

I was rather shocked when my sister announced she was getting married. She has been with her boyfriend for 24years. She has been engaged for 22years. She has two kids with him. It's always been a source of distress for her though that they weren't married. She always wanted it (especially because she knows my mum disapproved early on of them living together unmarried or hum hummed and made them sleep in seperate rooms when they came to visit, pre-the-kids). It always stressed her she never married. It always made her feel... less... I think than the other two of us who did marry (even though mine ended after ten years). I think it was that little girl dream of being married and committed and happily ever after. It's been bothering her more recently as the kids grew older and adults started noticing her surname didn't match theirs. She didn't want to just change her name... and her bf knew this was bothering her and so he finally said, lets go ahead with it.

I could understand that, for practical reasons. Even if society has moved on about unmarried parents it bothered her and made her feel less of a family. Not my reasons, but I could understand it. She said initially, a small registry office wedding followed by dinner afterwards. This felt good to me. Family only, no friends. Intimate. Unfussy. Well Un-weddingly actually but appealing to my sentiments of being a confirmation of previous commitments rather than any flashy showoff or ultimately for the guests.

Of course it grew. I thought feature creep was bad in software development but it has nothing on wedding plans! The first step was the registrar telling my sister that she had to make sure she had a nice wedding dress if she wanted one as you only get married for the first time once (yes... she did say the first time once). Enjoy it, make the most of it. So, the plan of a nice gown which she could wear again to a ball apparently transformed into a white wedding dress. The dinner for family into a more formal reception. Little little things being added so my sister stressing more. If you think i am a panicker, you should meet my sister!

I spoke to her on Saturday and she was stressing a bit about how she would have time to do it all, how she would manage to get the table decorations done as she had to do it the day before her wedding, etc, etc. I told her to stop worrying about all the details, all the other people and that everything was perfect for them and to stop putting pressure on herself or she wouldn't enjoy it as she would have too many expectations, too many things she was worrying about for other people, when no one else mattered apart from them. I hope she really does try and relax and enjoy the time for her and stop trying to make it perfect!

I am very excited though because Kay's coming with me for the first time. I know this was hard for my ex and for my son to begin with but it was what I wanted. This is my family, my families occasion. Not my ex's family even if she gets on with them. I know my boy found it hard to begin with that his Mum wasn't coming but that I was inviting Kay... but... I want Kay there for me. I want Kay to keep me company. I want Kay there so it will be fun for me. I want Kay there so I can show her off to my family as she is my girlfriend. I want her there just so I get to see her for a little bit.

So, for both Kay and for my sister as its her special occasion I made the effort tonight and will put on a tie and put on the suit jacket despite grumbling upto now saying I'd probably just stick to a smart shirt and trousers. I hope it goes well, and it'll be nice to be a smart pup for once for both of them.

Hey it might actually be fun :)

How much does a collar weigh?

2008-07-08T23:36:00.001+01:00

When I asked for my collar (and for some reason I don't really think of it as having it back, it's different this time so in some ways as we are different people, its a new collar for a new time in a new way) I knew that it wasn't just a light and fluffy "oh I'm hers isn't this nice" kind of thing. I know it means responsibility. Yes it means care for me, being treasured, loved, protected, looked after but it's a two way thing and I know that asking for it means responsibility on my side. All the nice stuff. Looking after her. Looking out for her. Adoring her and stuff and helping her out. Protecting her. Yeah that kinda happens anyway though because, well I love her.

No, what it adds most on my side I think is the responsibility for what it means to be hers - which is dealing with things which keep me away from her. Physically. Emotionally. Looking after myself in what I eat, how I am, when I am ill. Dealing with things I struggle with and facing them and trying to get past them and not running away. Being honest. Not hiding things. Working on them. Of course the advantage is I have my friend on my side and I know she loves me foibles and all and in the end she wants me to be happier because its good for me. So uncomfortable it maybe but I can be honest and she will be honest back with the hard truths and I can trust what she says.

So I feel that again. Responsibility for how I am. That I am accountable for my actions and my behaviour and what I do. It reflects on her and also it affects how much she gets to enjoy me. I want to be a happy, balanced, responsible pup so she can enjoy me and not worry or be distracted. That she may point out things which distract her from enjoying me and will expect me to deal with them as best I can.

*smiles* thats a funny thing. The weight of a collar. I guess I like having a puppy collar for that reason, it's thick, it has a certain heft to it. It has prescence. I am not trying to make it sound like a burden, it's not. But it's not just happy airy feelings and the weight of the collar makes me feel the seriousness of the descision made. Makes me feel the permamence of it. It also reminds me of the strength of the bond and the promise behind it and the security it provides.

Hmmm no this is not the blog I intended to write, it just kinda happened by itself. Weird huh?

Yay me!

2008-07-07T20:59:00.001+01:00

It's always bugged me that the shower head dribbled at the connection and also it was too limescaled up. So I just replaced it and found that it had two washers in it not one so it wasn't making a tight fit. So our water pressure still sucks but at least now we have a nice new shiny shower head which is all unblocked and doesnt dribble! I love my showers!

Recognising changes

2008-07-07T20:16:00.000+01:00

The previous post was straightforward and practical so I wanted to make a record of how I handled it inside, in relation to my normal oddities and foibles and stressedness. I got there very out of breath as I had got stuck in traffic and it was a bloody long walk from the hospital entrance to the clinic! Nothing like rushing to take your mind off things. I wasn't actually really nervous. It's kinda odd, more things I learn about my anxiety. If I know what I am doing and why then the fact I don't know exactly how things work is quite managable and less stressful as I am focussed on it.

This is however a big change to how I used to be as I used to worry myself sick before interviews, appointments, would I make a fool of myself and sound stupid. Would I not know where to go or what to do. Why was I going. Lots of stupid things like that. Now though, there is some intertia to get over but I know there is nothing really to be scared of. I can ask questions. I can talk. I can make small talk occasionally with staff. I can push myself and handle these simple practical situations. I may need to make more of an effort than some people who just take it in their stride but just like flying to the other side of the world, break things down into little steps and then you don't get so overanxious or stressed. Get there. Go in. Do this. Do that. Keep focus. It really does work and I know its a huge change from how I was a few years ago. It opens up the possibility I can do this more and more and learn to relax more when doing things with other people too and the tension that comes up then. It's not about other people doing this naturally, its about the change in me and the gains I have made and the fact it opens new doors (which are hard too when I start with them). I was tense at times in New York trying to make sure Scarlett had a good time and she had to tell me to relax. Realistically though, some time before that and I would never have been able to go to meet her. Some time before that I would have had panics about going to see the counsellor... let alone telling a doctor that I liked SM. So, signs of the change and promise of what can come.

The first receptionist was busy so I had to go to the other one who (of course) was young, blonde, cute with a gorgeous outfit on and lovely long hair. I don't *think* I blushed too badly. I didn't stammer thats for sure. I did have a smile to myself as I watched various of the very pretty young nurses and admin staff wander in and out counting the number of them that had very nice little heeled boots. Well. It was a long wait, I had to keep myself busy.

Sexual Health Checkups

2008-07-07T19:03:00.000+01:00

I wasn't going to write anything publically about going for a sexual healthcheck but after having been through the experience I decided it might benefit those who had thought "oh I should" but not been too sure or been too nervous about going or otherwise found excuses not to.

The clinic I went to in the UK is attached to a major hospital so you have to walk all the way through the hospital to get to it, but once there it felt private and very much different than the rest of the hospital. It was more modern, better laid out, much more like a doctor's surgery than one of the normal specialist areas in a hospital. Those who have been in a UK hospital will know what I mean - there is a certain "functionality" of the design and decor over style. Not that it's not clean... its just designed to serve a purpose and be maintainable rather than feel comfortable. This was much more like an office waiting room. The receptionists were friendly. The reception designed nicely so that even though it was open on their side for them to talk between each other, on our side it was divided by barriers to give you privacy from anyone else that was speaking to another receptionist. Whilst some of the receptionists were young they were very friendly and efficient, asking if it was my first time and asking me to fill in a registration form and wait.

And wait. And wait. My appointment was at 10.45 and I didn't get called until 11.30. I kept hearing other people that get called that weren't actually in the waiting room so I assumed there must be a second waiting room actually inside the clinic. It was big enough though that people could sit discretely away from each other if they wanted, whilst they did the nervous and I need a pee and why haven't I been called yet bum shuffle.

They called my name. Well called my name twice as I ignored it the first time as it disappeared into that general buzz that you get from loudspeaker announcements and told me the room to go to. This and the long wait were my only real nervousness about the whole experience and I don't think I was the only one. Everyone waiting kinda looked at each other going "what did they say?" when the voice came over the speakers. I guess one of those shared nerves things, I may drop them a note to mention it as I don't think I was the only one and they have obviously gone to a lot of effort to make people feel at ease. When I did hear my name I went off to the room mentioned and knocked on the door and went in. It was a nice older lady doctor waiting. The room was really well laid out with the examing table at the far end of the room and her seated by a table just as you came in, with your chair just by the door, 90 degrees to her. I don't know if this was intentional but it worked very well. None of that long walk across the room to the doctor which can be intimidating or having them directly opposite you and peering over a table at you. I suspect actually that they have spent some time thinking about this.

She started asking a few simple questions but was very conversational then stopped herself and said she should explain about the unit. It was completely independent in its records. It had its own lab for smear and urine samples. Blood samples would be sent off to the main lab but would be coded anonymously by an internal patient number. No reports would be released to your local doctor or anyone else. She stressed the confidentiality of it and that they saw themselves as a service. She explained what they could test for. That the process would involve a discussion of why I was there followed by a urethral swab, a physical check of testical, penis, etc, for any swelling or infection and then the urine sample. The swab and sample would be processed immediately for initial results and then final results would come back on the longer term tests. They could offer a blood test if I wanted for syphillis and HIV for completeness. She explained the meanings of the results, the time period it takes for HIV to come out so when you would need a retest if it was something you were worried about.

This was all very reassuring and again, kind of different to the experience I have had with doctors before who have always been kind of rushed with consultations and got onto the practical buts without taking time to explain.

So we sat and asked about my past history and it was all very straightforward. Most recent partner, activities. Details of any other partners in the last six months. Any symptoms. Any other concerns. She wasn't rushed but quite happy to discuss things and happy to admit I didn't quite fit in any of their standard categories of which tests to perform. I mentioned I was involved in BDSM relationships. She took this quite easily in her stride except I had to explain what the B and D were as she hadn't heard that before... so from then on I just refered to it as S&M to save repeating that. She mentioned they offered Hep B immunisation as it was often was easier than at a local GP who tends to ask lots of questions why. We talked about it and agreed it would be a good idea because of the possibility of coming into contact with it at play parties. She gave me a piece of paper with the things they could test for and when the results would be available and also an indication of how treatment would proceed if any were found positive.

Then the physical exam, she drew the curtains around the examining table so that if anyone walked in it was screened from the door. Told me to lower my trousers and underwear. First a check of my testicles whilst I stood up. A few pokes and prods and her saying it might be uncomfortable and asking if it hurt anywhere. Then laying back on the table (do you know how hard it is to climb up onto an examining table with your trousers round your ankles?) and her examining again and around my penis and foreskin. It actually wasn't at all embarrasing and she said immediately she didn't see any problems. Then the urethral swab. A little stick with a swab on the end pushed a little way into the urethra. She said to look at the ceiling and it would feel mildly uncomfortable and sting but would pass quickly. I didn't have the heart to tell her I've used a sound. I was impressed though that as always she explained what was going on.

Then she led me to the bathroom. Gave me the cup to pee in and said pee to the given line and then the rest down the toilet. Leave the cup in the little hatch in the wall to be collected, go and sit in the second waiting room and wait to be called. Again, clear instructions.

More waiting and then called by first name to the nurses room. Sit up on the bed and first blood from one arm and then the Hep B in the other arm. The nurse was nice and went and got a vaccination booklet and filled in the date and gave me a leaflet about possibly side effects, etc. I asked what next so she looked to see I hadn't got my results and told me to go wait back in the waiting room.

After more waiting. Called again by the first doctor. This time she made sure she spoke my name clearly as I had said I had struggled to hear it the first time. She told me straight away all was fine. She asked how I wanted the results, to either call and get them or to get an anonymous text. I said by text and she filled it in on a slip of paper for me to hand over to reception. She handed me another piece of paper explaining about the text service and that it would either say "All is clear" or "Phone the clinic on xxxx" and that it would be in ten days time. Very efficient. I asked when the next Hep B was needed (as they have different schedules depending on if you are at risk) and she looked and saw the nurse hadnt said, so she ticked the box for a nurses appointment one month later.

She told me to hand over the slip of paper to reception when I left but to go wait one more time as the health advisor would see me before I left. So go wait again. Called to a different room, a different lady. Very friendly. This room laid out obviously as an education room with samples of condoms and things for those that needed them as well as penis models to teach people how to use them. Less medical looking and just casual chairs facing into the centre of the room. She explained that they always saw someone on a first visit to make sure they understood what was going on and what it meant. I thought this was a great approach even though things were fairly straight forward with me. She went through my notes. Repeated what had been done and why. What happened next. Asked if I had any questions. She made comment about the Hep B and I explained why, that I was involved in SM situations even if at the edge. She agreed it was a wise precaution. Again, no hint of judgement. We talked about the possible implications of bisexuality and spread of HIV. She asked me what the biggest risks would of being involved with men in an SM situation. I gave my thoughts and she agreed that they showed a reasonable awareness and reiterated the needs for care. She didn't lecture though and she seemed to fully respect the fact I said I was there because I wanted to be responsible for my sex life. She told me they had a booklet specifically for men involved in SM with other men, just in case that did occor, did I want it as they didn't keep it on display. I said sure and she spent a good ten mins off trying to find it before deciding that they must have run out and not reordered. She looked quite annoyed about that as she said it was really good. She obviously really did care about trying to spread information on the subjects at hand and she mentioned about the internet, etc, as a good resource instead. I was very impressed with her open and practical attitude, promoting awareness even if it was on the fringe of what you might experience just in case things went further.

Then I left. Handed in my slip and made the appointment for the Hep B stage 2 and wandered off. All in all it took about 2 hrs, so half hour over the original "90 mins" they told you to plan for but it was a very straightforward, routine and well organised experience. The staff were professional but still managed to be friendly and not keep that aloofness which you sometimes see in the medical profession. This made things a lot less stressful and I am very glad I did it.

I didn't expect there to be anything wrong and am glad to be proved right but I am also very glad I took the responsibility for myself and those I am with to find out for sure. I don't really know how I can say "I love you" to both of my very much beloved and adored partners without trying my best to take care of them.

Heaven is..

2008-07-07T15:09:00.001+01:00

being able to pee when you want to!

Ahhhhhhhhh bliss!!!

Wrapping up

2008-07-07T09:11:00.001+01:00

Just got my cellphone bill emailed in. It was high, I knew it would be, but not absurd. Calls back to the UK to check on the boy and Mum and Nan and Kay. Calls in the USA to arrange things with sae and MzA or chase where our power was. I kinda split it between my work phone and home phone so I knew it wouldn't be silly, and also, I was quite prepared for it.

The nice thing is it comes in under the amount of the deposit, so its money I've already factored in. I will go chase Jewel to see whether she was happy with the state of the apartment. Last credit card bill came in too (hehe nice to come home to) so basically everything will be paid off by midmonth and then I can start planning again :D

It's so great when a plan comes together. Kinda like thats everything from this trip all wrapped up and it all worked out fine with the amount of overtime I had planned, so I could spoil Scarlett rotten and she would know it was all taken care of and not feel like she was putting on me. Lol, of course I am not promising next time will be as extravegant, hehe but lets face it... I only got to meet her for the first time once so it deserved to be a special time.

God is a sadist

2008-07-07T07:41:00.001+01:00

And I have proof.

I have a hospital appointment this morning and so am not allowed to pee until then. For the last hour or so I've laid in bed listening to the rain splash down over the back roof of the house.

What more proof do you what that he is a sadist than that???

Sunday blues

2008-07-06T19:52:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling kind of "eh" tonight. A little lonely. A little lost.

I'm home from my parents and from dropping my boy off at his mums. I took my son down there to play with my niece (who is still over from the USA) and apart from when he was being a little sod they had a great time. So I know it's a mixture of things:

I don't feel well (sore throat, achey, hot, probably down to coming back to a rather wetter and cooler climate as well as sharing all those lovely germs). Thats a big (probably biggest) contributing factor as it's always harder to be positive when you are feeling "eh".

The quietness after being around people all weekend.

I am missing having Scarlett around a lot, thats tue, but whilst I miss her thats not really contributing to it. I know she is close to me even though I can't hold her. I mean don't get me wrong, I so wish she was here to cuddle on and laugh with and there is an ache where she is absent but there is a sort of promise there that I know it's an unfinished story and there are more chapters to come. I may not know when it will happen, but it will... and I so look forward to them.

The biggest thing preying on my mind at the moment though is a conversation with my landlady last night. We had a falling out some time ago and we haven't really spoken since. I will hold my hand up. I lashed out at something. I didn't handle it well. Whilst I don't think that changes that I had a point, the way I reacted was bad and because I kept my mouth shut to avoid confrontation and let it bug at me til it came out badly. Very much a sign of the "old me" and how I try not to do things now. Letting it fester til it explodse. So, I am not proud of the situation even if I think the reason it bothered me was valid.

It's been bugging at me for awhile now as we haven't really spoken since. I know she's been avoiding me online as well as just general life things keeping her away. I don't like bad feeling like that lingering around. Well. We talked last night and it was uncomfortable. It's hard to read things online sometimes but the implication definitely felt that she saw me as being overstretched, overtired, overemotional, tetchy, oversensitive. That I had stretched myself too far with the trip to the USA and got myself worked up into a state and that was why I was like I was so she had avoided me til after it.

We talked a little. I told her I love her, which I do. We may butt heads occasionally but she has always meant the world to me and I do love her even if we bug the hell out of each other. It was quite tense though. She said she didn't like that side of me, didn't know it was there and didn't want to see it again. I said I reacted badly but I thought I had a point. That's by the by though. The uncomfortableness has left me unsettled. The distance between us, especially that she felt she had to avoid me for so long. The worry that it's a distance too far and I have lost something precious that can't be remade. Also... also... this is hard to explain. The feeling that I was being told just why I was wrong really rattled me. The whole thing of, you were having a tantrum because you were stressed because of this, that, the other... having someone whose opinion matters to me classifying me into a box of "avoid because unstable" it hurts a lot. It digs back to a lot of past things I think, especially Dad and my teachers dismissing me like that of... "oh its just because he...". Almost like you aren't really there and get talked about over your head. So the initial thing is it puts my back up and then, then after that settles... it eats at me. It makes me doubt myself. When I think I have been doing so well. Making so many small changes, progress, doing things that would never have been possible before... it leaves me just seeing the black things. The negative. The things I find so hard. All the times I struggle. All the bad feelings, the anxiousness, worry, stress, I can see all those so clearly at the moment it bites. All those positives are just a lot harder to see at the moment, overwhelmed by someones view (or my perception of someones view, maybe thats more accurate) of me.

So, caught between two things. A plumetting self-confidence knowing the feeling of someone being hurt and angry at me when their feelings and opinion of me matter a lot, the feeling they see me as someone who is just depressed, stressed, uptight. Then the feeling of a strained relationship and aware of it nagging there in the background.

I think... Well I know that this and feeling generally yuk are what have wrapped up with everything else to make me feel especially "bleh" suddenly tonight.

What to do then? What to do. Not mope, no. Not sit and suffer and hurt myself. No. Action is what is required. The first thing was to get on and do things. So I tidied round the house. Put away the clothes that had been left out prior to my holiday. Put the luggage away. Tidied up my toys. It's not perfect. To be honest the clothes are kinda just stuffed away and I will have to go back and tidy the drawers another time, but they are away and the bedrooms are clear. The kitchen is clear. Everything is at least away and that made a difference. Then sit down, write it out, tie it here in paper and leave it here. Pin the bad feelings in a place that I won't dwell on them and can move away from them. Finally, finally once I've written this and am in a more peaceful place I will email her. I am not sure what I will say, but I will say something and we will hopefully both find ways to move past this. I mean, if we didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt so much would it?

So I hope this didn't sound sorry for myself, it isn't meant to be, nor an accusation. Just a working out, out loud so I can face things a little more clearly and get on. I do feel a bit better for it already.

Anxiety, honesty, growth, challenges

2008-07-06T17:24:00.001+01:00

I am a work in progress. I admit that. Definitely not near the end goal, very rough around some edges.... raw and exposed in many others as I've tried to change and learn from the past.

People seem to have seen potential in me and in some ways thats almost harder than when things were hopeless. When people see potential in you. When they seem to think you are something special it sets you up to fail. It is so much easier when you can sit quietly and loathe yourself and not have to consider things might be different. Easier, but futile.

In some ways, the further I come the more uncertain things seem. Sometimes it feels like you are just setting yourself up for a bigger fall. Things hurt more. Maybe the time will come when you will find actually you were right and everyone who thought you were special was wrong. That's the great lie of the depressed spirit. Always waiting for "reality" (or your twisted form of it) to set in.

I am not being down in writing that. Just trying to be realistic and honest about how the dark side of me can feel. The things it whispers in the harder times. Trying to face it directly and thereby take away the power it has in the corner of my mind.

My trip to the USA has given me a lot to think about. A lot to be honest with myself about. A lot to hope for with the future. A knowledge that things don't just happen but you have to work at them. A realism about my part in all this and the role I play in keep changing things for the better.

It's hard to write about, because writing about the things which are difficult feels like a betrayal of those I was with. Maybe I should have said something, maybe I should have done things differently. The reality is though no, it's not about them, it's about me. It's about my perceptions of the world around me, how they are skewed, how they are bent by everything in my past and how I am trying to untangle them. How (sometimes through sheer effort of will) I will push through them and things will get better and as they get better they will become easier and new challenges will emerge.

Thats (as a side note) one of the hardest things about change. You don't really see it in yourself. You see the new things which are challenging you, you don't see the ones which now you do and take for granted and don't think about. Thank heavens for friends who can be a mirror and point out that 3 months ago that was impossible, now you just do it.

So back to being honest without being hurtful at myself or critical, but just saying "this was hard... it will get easier with time".

The first half of my trip to the USA was with a lovely couple in PA. I knew MsSilvie but didn't know her bf. That was kind of scary for me. Staying with a couple in their house and only knowing one of them. I struggled with the fact that I would be disrupting their schedule, the feeling that I was putting them out. This I know is very one sided and in reality they looked forward to the chance to get a break from what was going on in their lives too. I knew this in my head and so despite those niggles of putting someone out, I went. This is a big step for me. Overriding those feelings of being a nuisance or getting in the way and doing things because I wanted to and I knew my friend wanted to.

Making that decision doesn't take away the feelings though. That comes with time. By doing it. Doing it again and reconfirming yes, you are wanted and welcome. Ms Silvie is one of the most hospitable people I know, so I know it was a pleasure for her. I could see it was a pleasure for her. Being there was definitely another chip in the iceberg inside that says "people put up with you because they are nice". Its a slow process, its a painful process, but my friends are patient.

Last year when I went to Thunder I was basically doing it by sheer force of will. Turning up at Jolies hoping I wasn't disrupting her life too much. Concentrating almost bullheadedly of "I will get to Thunder so I can say I have done it" almost ignoring the bit before hand, staying with someone that invited me. This year with Ms SIlvie it was definitely... I am going to go see my friend as I want to see her, she wants to see me. Anxious... yes... but at least this year not having to play diversion games with myself to stop myself completely panicking.

This is progress. Slow progress, yes, but progress. Yes, it was still uncomfortable but I could do it. The panic was there, but I could look it in the eye better.

Whilst I was there.... I spent a fair chunk of time pretty anxious. There were times when I was so uptight I had to force myself to breathe and relax and let it out. To focus myself. To remind myself why I was there, why I had come, why I wanted to be there. I really did want to be there... and I hated that anxiety in me that took away that pleasure. Its very frustrating, and I can't afford to get angry with myself about it. This is a process, learning to deal with my anxiety issues and overcome them. It's not going to happen overnight and I need to go through it the long way.

So, I tried to be honest about it. There were one or two panicked moments when I thought "why am I here, I can't do this again". But there were only a couple of those, which isn't a bad change from before. I kept reminding myself how much I had changed from before, that not only was I there but I actually wanted to be there, visiting my friends. I actually wanted to be around people and was making it happen. Kay reminded me it took a lot of courage to face all these things and make them happen, not just sit at home and whinge that I was alone.... to overcome some of these fears. I kept focussing on the fact relationships take work. That I was in a strange place, in someones home, that no matter how well you might know someone online being in their home is different. That it took time to get comfortable with someone, so it wasn't all just because of how I am with people. That to make it good I had to try.... so I had to talk, push myself, not just go " can't do this, I am not good enough" but had to open myself up and learn to be with them, to find how I fitted.

One of the hard things was Ms SIlvie's partner had been laid off recently and there were HR issues with his old company so I know this was a stressful time for them. When you only know half the couple it's hard to get the vibe from them. How much are you putting them out. How much is general background stress. How much is because of the situations going at home. There were some times when I could feel the tension in the air, maybe I just imagine it, and so I had to remind myself over and over that this wasn't due to me being there. Not easy though... as my learned reaction is still to think I am the problem. More unlearning to do.

That was difficult at times. The couple thing. At other times it was really nice though, especially seeing how well they fitted together. I have fond memories of sitting in Tria listening to them enthuse about beer and food and thinking wow, these people fit so well together. It was lovely. Really beautiful.

There were so very many wonderful moments that just made me think "this is right" and I stopped worrying and being nervous and just enjoyed myself completely.

Sitting with the mutt helping shave off his fur.
Sitting back and watching MST3K and giggling like idiots. Absolutely wonderful company time with both of them.
Going to walk the dog with Ms Silvie and getting chance to actually talk alone and not hold back because she was just a dear friend and a fellow kinkster so the conversation could roam anywhere.
Going out to the pet store and just loving to listen to Ms Silvie espouse about fish fish and more fish with the passion and knowledge she has. Plus the ferrets were cute.
Driving around with them, just loving the beautiful countryside and the way the buildings blend into the landscape rather than stand out.
The ball game and giggling at the so cute and funny things between the innings. That was a nice time out for all of us. I did get a bit uptight because of the affectionate pats I got when MsSilvie's bf was getting them on the other side. That again is me. Taking too much onto myself as to what is going to cause tension and arguments (god I am so much like my mum). Wanting to keep the peace at all costs even if it means losing out myself. Again, I had to make a conscious decision... this was what she was comfortable in being like between us and so therefore it was not my issue if it caused any tension later. I liked her being affectionate with us. I wanted it. I loved it in fact, so I just had to assume she knew her bf wasn't going to have a problem with it. Again though... one of the things I need to work on, so I really can enjoy these moments without that awful tension creeping in first. Let other people make their own choices.
Going to Baltimore, being tourists and then just relaxing and bumming around the bookstore. Magical.
I really treasured the fact that when we got back from Baltimore Ms Silvie needed a nap and then I got to spend quality time with her bf, just chatting the two of us. That was so much fun. Sometimes it's easier getting to know someone one on one than it is when they are in a couple and trying to be a good host. I can't begin to say how much that evening means to me, it made me feel so much more comfortable and gave me a huge confidence boost. Plus, it was just fun.
I totally loved our little shop browsing trip into town, wandering around the little store with period things. Going out for lunch together and then sitting sipping and tasting beers for hours. That really was a magical time. Perfect. Just perfect.

With that background of anxiety I don't want it to sound like I didn't have a wonderful time. I did. I don't want to pretend to myself it was all roses though. There were things which I found a lot harder than they should be, and I want to work on myself to make them easier. To make it easier on myself so I can enjoy my life more. Things to learn. Things to unlearn. Things to treasure. Things to take confidence from. To stop automatically assuming I am not good enough... not smart enough... don't know enough.

It was a good time. I can just learn to make it a better time next time.

Thanks my friend, for inviting over this neurotic english wuss and putting up with his foibles. I loved it and have grown from it. Love ya.

Being content

2008-07-06T17:23:00.001+01:00

Wednesday, when I landed from the USA, I left the airport and went on driving and went to see Kay. We had spoken on the phone about my being collared and she said she was happy for me as she knew it was something I needed, but I wanted to see her and make sure no bad thoughts festered about "its because I am not enough". I know how that feel's as I've done it enough myself and this time round I want to make everything work as well as it can and that means investing in my relationships. The best way of showing someone that things will work is by showing them, not talking to them. So I wanted to see her, even if it was an uncomfortable meeting and even if it was a bit awkward to start with. Hiding away from it and putting it off would not have helped at all.

So I went, a little nervously and the reality of it (as is often the case) was nothing like I had worried about. Its often so the things we say in our heads than the reality of facing them head on. I walked in and we just fitted naturally and I felt like I belonged their too. It was as simple as that.

We didn't talk about it much, we just chatted about the holiday, things that had happened for Kay and her kids and just carried on.

I feel so much less conflicted now. I can see now I was tearing myself in two, half living as if i was Scarlett's pet but not actually being it. In the process of that I was also holding back from Kay and not giving her all I could and wanted to. I was confused and I mixed up everyone else.

I said to Kay on Wednesday that she is my girlfriend, and she is. That's the first time I've been able to say that to her. I've always dithered, qualified it in less scary words like "my companion". Now though. Now I feel like I've stopped having to choose between people and can just get on with loving them as I do. I've stopped feeling like I have to try and make something fit everything and that if it wasn't there that I had to just go "thats not for me". Now, now I just see possibilities. Things I can cherish for what they are, not hurt for what they are not.

I feel content.

I have my Owner. I have my girlfriend. Hmmm, maybe I need a boyfriend next ;-).

They are family.

Holiday disclaimer

2008-07-06T17:22:00.000+01:00

I used to love the end credits of Xena and Hercules, with the mock disclaimer which changed each episode. So, in memory of those fine fine educational problems (they taught me all I know about mythology...)

No glass jars or cinema displays or respitory tracts were harmed during the making of my holiday in America.

One condiment lid was slightly rattled in the process but we are assured that it will make a full recovery with appropriate therapy.

(yes, this is a set of very big injokes).

Happy memories of New York

2008-07-06T17:21:00.002+01:00

Written on the plane (pt 3)

I think the highlight for me of New York, excluding the company of course, was standing in the street for four hours watching the gay pride parade with a million other people. I enjoyed our tourist trips, seeing places, looking after Scarlett, seeing the Lion King and having some lovely food but going to the parade was something really defining for me. Well, what I can remember of it as I was a bit spacey a lot of the time as someone was happily torturing me as we watched.

Five years ago if you hard told me I would be standing in New York, watching a gay pride parade whilst puddling against a friend I had met online and was with for the first time, standing in a thunderstorm getting soaked... I would have laughed at you. It shows how much I have relaxed, how much my attitudes have changed, how much more accepting I am and I think a nicer person.

However I still think my ass is better than most of those in the parade ;-). Even weirder, for a shy little me who hated his body so much back then - I could see myself strutting in heels and not much else, walking down that road one day too.

Running, hiding, stopping, collaring

2008-07-06T17:21:00.001+01:00

Written on the plane (pt 2)

I have been very guilty of driving everyone completely nuts I am sure while I lied to myself about what I really wanted. Partly it was from a feeling that I couldn't go back in time, after so things had changed that I couldn't revisit safe, comfortable places. That I would be trying to relive the past from a time which had had their moment and had gone and that I shouldn't cling onto what was behind us. Partly I didn't think she would want me that way... that long distance things belonged to a time when it was all we could have and now it might have no attraction for her now that we both didn't have those limitations. That I knew if I was closer things would be different, but things from such a distance would just be a reminder to us both what we weren't local and so it would just hurt us both. Partly, I wanted her to have a friend and not complicate things after all that had happened, so she could feel loved and wanted but not pressured. Partly, largely, I was scared to admit to myself how I felt and face the intensity of it and have to live with it, have to face the implications of it. That I thought I was valiantly trying to be good and brave and not rub in either of our faces things which would just stir up things up and cause wistfulness of "if only if" and complications in our other relationships and just be friends.

So, I dithered, I exasperated I am sure, pushing at her a little, teasing and then pulling back. Sending very mixed signals and quietly torturing myself while I pretended to myself that I could love her but not be hers. Feeling somewhere in a limbo where in my heart I had never let her go from the first time we were together. Where I acted like I was hers but I wasn't and I couldn't bring myself to ask to be hers again and I pretended to myself it didn't matter.

Then, I met her in person. I went thinking that maybe once reality set in I would have more perspective. Maybe I would be less consumed internally about her. Be able to settle down to having a beloved friend and say I love you without feeling that rush of emotion inside. I met her though and it proved to be totally real. It wasn't desperation or insecurity or clinging on or a fantasy. I just love her. In so many ways when we had to part before I couldn't really let go. I stepped back, yes, as she needed to for family reasons . I built up walls so that I could be the friend she needed to support her. I learnt to hold back somewhat. To push feelings down, but my feelings never really changed. I tried to do and be what everyone needed so she didn't feel badly about things that had happened as they were totally out of her control and I was so proud of how she handled it. That she stuck by our promises of putting our immediate families first. I was, and am, so very very proud of how we remade ourselves as friends, of the depth of our relationship and our adaptability and how we didnt pout or cling on but got on with being friends.

I hid those feelings from myself though in the hope it didn't hurt either of us as much and so I could carry on growing into myself as I knew she wanted and as I knew I needed to. I couldn't ever really give her up though, just kept it somewhere boxed up inside. We both said that part of me was always hers. That was my way of holding onto that bit I couldn't let go of. It would have been so wrong for both of us to try and go back to how we were, to be collared again back then. We needed to move forward, to grow our lives. I met Kay from ALT. Not replacing that which was lost but something new and something I couldn't have had before I had been with Scarlett. Something I didn't want to lose either but that I didn't know how I could fit all these pieces together, so living in quiet denial. I guess I hoped that if I kept my feelings for Scarlett in a little box marked "I love her but things changed" it would eventually become true and I would feel like just a friend as I should now.

Then I met her, and it didn't go away. I went goofy and hyper and shy and mushy and I didn't care and I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want to be different around her. It started to dawn on me that I couldn't stop loving her and make it all simple, not without running away and closing down on her and on sex and BDSM and all my feelings. She is inside me.

The final straw was meeting LadyA from ALT with her. I couldn't stop giggling and I didn't care. I couldnt run away and I couldnt stay pretending that I didn't have this inside. I was hurting myself and probably her and probably others by being inconsistent. I have always felt like hers but had been too scared to ask in case I hurt myself. In case she didn't want it. In case it couldn't work like this now so far apart. It would make me face my polyamorous nature head on and rather than flirt with it, to know it appealed in my head.. then I would have to live it and make it work in reality. Living in limbo though, acting like I was hers but not being brave enough to accept the consequences was so wrong of me though and just a bit tragic and overdramatic.

So I asked, could I have her collar. Quietly over coffee in a cafe. Looking at her hands as I couldn't look up in her face, not sure whether to say anything. Sitting there looking at her and bumping around in my seat and eventually blurting out and saying I understood if she said no but I had to ask or I would so regret it. I knew she might say no but I had to stop hiding how I felt or what I wanted.

She didn't though. She said yes. I barely heard her I was too busy trying to still prattle on and get all the words out before I stopped again.

It's not that I want more from her or for her to suddenly start acting like a "Mistress" towards me and for me to be more subby towards her. It's just that I am hers. Honest truth? I have no idea how or if this will change how we are together, if she will want to be firmer with me, more controlling or if things will just carry on as they always have been and we will let it out when I go visit her. She may push me. She may not. She may set rules and limits. She may not. It doesn't matter in the long run. What will be will be. This isn't about what we do, it's about what we are. Asking for her collar was simply admitting to her what was always there that I was hers and that I knew this and I accepted and wanted this and I placed myself in her hands and that was that, however things happened.

Distance? Well it goes both ways and I know its hard for her too, so we will find our way. My fears, insecurities, worries need to take a backseat now though. I have made my commitment and I love her.

This will affect my other relationships I am sure, but I think in the end they will all be better. A less self torturing pup is a happier one and has more to give. I will keep learning from her example to love all those in my life as I can for who they are.

I am really looking forward to seeing Kay now because she is Kay. I feel differently about her than I do about Scarlett but thats ok as she isn't Scarlett and they aren't replacements for each other, or someone to fill in the gap. I love both differently and thats why I want... why I need both of them.

I need my Owner. I need my companion. I need my friends and maybe I need other playmates too. Yes, its so different to how I was brought up and something I've known inside I've been attracted to and wanted for so long but emotionally it's hard to learn how to do. Wasn't sure I could do.

So a new chapter. Not a repeat of what we had before but a wholy new and different one. Now we've met in real life and both of us came together as very different people than we were before with a lot changed in our lives. It feels like a circle joined. We met. Our paths took turns away from each other for awhile whilst we remade our lives as individuals away from our ex's and now we've remet. Somewhere new and different and exciting and very very special. I guess I better start getting used to asking for things again and get more disciplined at journalling ;-).

Still, somethings never change. We didn't work out a contract as to what was involved last time either.... Guess half the excitement is in discovering it together ;-). I trust her because she loves me too. Oh and she likes me. Oh and I like her too. My Ma`am. My Owner.

Back from vacation

2008-07-06T17:20:00.000+01:00

Written on the plane (pt 1)
I am sitting on the plane back to the UK writing (yes, with a pen and paper as my laptop has very little charge) after two most incredible weeks away. It feels like a blur to be honest and it's hard to hang onto any real individual details. I am sure they will come back to me with time.

I know though I am a very fortunate pup who somehow has managed to gain some spectacular friends. Two oh so very different holidays in one. The breathtaking hospitality and friendship of MsSilvie. A truly beautiful soul who opened her home and her life and made me welcome. A smart lady with a quick wit and a warm heart. She showed me some beautiful places and we had some wonderfully relaxing times and lovely chats when I was more than a little nervous of invading her home, displacing her dog and her boyfriend and of my impending first meeting with Scarlett.

A week with Scarlett and a feeling of coming home and being where I belonged. The hustle and bustle of New York being just a backdrop to the confirming of a treasured relationship. I will write more about both trips in time, but for now deepest heartfelt thanks to two very different but lovely women.

Family updates

2008-06-09T22:36:00.001+01:00

OK, some days just leave you spinning with too much happening.

First, from yesterday, my boy wasn't too well so he stayed with my parents. It was easiest. He really wasn't in a good state to travel. He actually begged me to make sure there were no traffic jams on the way home, the poor thing. Thats so not like him, even with a little headache he will normally just curl up and sleep in the car. So we agreed he would stay the night since he wouldn't be at school and then my ex could come get him tonight. I really didn't like leaving him there with him not feeling well.

I phoned this morning to see how he was and found out from Mum that they had found out this morning that Nan had had a fall and she was on her way to hospital. A long story later, with my brother taking my mum down (and dropping my boy off on the way) and the outcome is she has a broken femur. They were going to pin it but then they realised that she has a blood condition so now they are going to put her in traction for a bit while they see how that goes, to stop the bones grinding.

This was not the day to be sitting around doing nothing and watching a vendor do installations! I wanted to be busy! But, on the plus side (from a work point of view) I did manage to fix a lot of things for the expensive vendor consultant we had paid to come in and do this...

On the plus plus side... the quicker he gets the install done, the quicker I can get back to real work.

The boy is back home, but still poorly, so not going to school. Nan is in hospital so at least, for a bit, she is getting the care she needs.

Feeling too old?

2008-06-09T06:47:00.001+01:00

I have been reminded of the film Logan's Run recently. You know, where people get to a certain age and then are eliminated from society. Apparently this is now happening on social networking sites.

The following was given as one explanation as to why one particular site had deleted a “huge number of accounts” recently. “You are over 36 years old”.

“We understand that only a minority of older users are sex offenders, but you must understand that we cannot tell which”, it says in it's explanation of the deletion.

I am not quite sure which I find more worrying. That I may find myself terminated first from the internet (and then the way this government is going, from life) or that a switch went off in my head last December and apparently I may become a sex offender at any minute.

I will be eyeing up suspiciously from now on all those with profiles listing they are in their 40's...

Humbling thoughts

2008-06-07T11:12:00.001+01:00

I was thinking about a friend this week, one I had been lucky enough to be in a situation to help out. I made the comment, idly, that this sort of thing wasn't a big deal to me because I knew (that if it was me in the position) they would help me out. It doesn't matter what the situation is, I know they would help.

On the way to the train yesterday morning it suddenly struck me that this was a pretty amazing thing and wasn't just an idle "oh don't worry about it". I started thinking about some of the friends I have made over the last few years, and how different that was to before.

When my wife and I seperated the only place I could go was to my parents. There was no one else around that I knew that would take me in in that sudden disaster scenario. I was basically so isolated that I was lucky I even had them.

Now. Now though. If I needed help. If I needed somewhere to stay, someone to look after me, somewhere to hide then.... I can just start listing people that would offer me a couch for a day, a week, as long as I needed. It might be difficult. It might not be very practical, but I know they wouldn't think twice. Some of the oldest friends from online Alexis, SR, Kath, , Christine, Denise, Karen, Cat. Those just roll off the tongue instantly and I know all would do whatever they could. Then newer friends. Kay, Tracy, Grey, Carrie. More I haven't listed. That's kinda a wow thing to go from nothing to all those people that would put themselves out for me. So, yes, I need to work on having people around me that would support me who aren't half way round the world.... since the nearest of those is 100 miles. But ummm, that's quite an incredible change in a few years, isn it?

I feel kinda humble.

Family affairs

2008-06-07T11:04:00.001+01:00

Down at my parents again. My brother (who lives in Arizona) is over for 6 weeks with my niece and my boy absolutely totally adores them. They arrived on Tuesday and my boy was so over-excited when I asked him if he wanted to come down that I knew it was the right choice.

Currently they are sitting playing cards quietly, but I know it won't last! They have done that excited to see each other thing so I am sure there will be ahem differences coming up soon as they are both only children and quite bossy. My boy just hasn't quite realised yet that being bossy most of the time is even better when you let a few selective women be bossy to you...

It's nice, hearing him play in the background. I really do miss him in the week or when I don't have him, but it's nice hearing him play around the house, having fun with someone else and not feeling like he has to spend time at weekends just with me. It's nice him feeling like "oh I have to go see dad" but feeling like it's just part of his week. I like that a lot. I don't think we've done too badly at all.

I am glad we came down, not just for my boy. Mum was so tense when we arrived. My Nan isn't too well, she is having trouble walking and she has been phoning Mum a lot. She says she has a numb leg and pains but we know she has got herself in a bit of a panic too because someone in one of the bungalows behind hers died at the beginning of the week. Mum is stressed though because she feels trapped in the middle. My uncle has just gone over there (after his finishde his night shift) but until then this morning my Nan phoned my aunt to see if she would pop over, just to give her some company for a bit. Nan now thinks this is all in punishment for agreeing to handing over her finances to my family. First the pain. Then my aunt says she couldnt pop in last night to check up on her as she was "working. Then this morning that they had gone to a party and she had been drinking so couldn't drive... and she has also told her in the week "I can't afford to pop in much now because petrol is too expensive". Poor Nan, so trapped and not understanding whats going on and feeling punished. Poor Mum, feeling trapped and caught in between when things had been sorting themselves out. Hopefully, having both kids aroud here will mean she will get out the house and not sit around waiting for the phone to ring and not being able to relax at all.

Not backward at being forward...

2008-06-06T22:04:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine uttered today what has to be the most confident statement of someone about their sexual attractiveness, ever!

"I'd do me.... Oh, in fact, I do!"

Learning the hard way

2008-06-02T20:43:00.001+01:00

I like to think that whilst I am dumb enough to make mistakes, I am smart enough to learn from them.

It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.

So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.

Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.

Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.

Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.

Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.

I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.

So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.

I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.

Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.

I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.

So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.

I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.

A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P

Perfect timing

2008-06-01T22:37:00.000+01:00

Timing can be everything.

In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.

It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.

So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.

This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.

Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.

I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).

So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.

So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.

I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.

So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.

This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.

Growl, Fidget, Bark

2008-06-01T19:56:00.000+01:00

First, my apologies to anyone I have been irritable or short with the last few days. I don't make a good patient. Not a patient patient, as it were.

Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?

Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.

I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.

*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*

Caveman dating

2008-05-26T18:35:00.001+01:00

To intersperse with something more fun... I was on the beach the other day, taking K and her daughter for a walk because I really needed to get away and relax for a moment. We had completely not ended up where we intended to 'cos it had taken too long and we were just clambering on a rocky stony beach instead and I was being very proud because I had managed to climb up one of the groynes so I I wasn't any less fit than an overweight 10 year old. Very chuffed with myself even though I didn't know how I was going to get down.

Anyway, K and her daughter started skimming stones across the water. Now normally I would have avoided joining in as I've always been very self-conscious about how awkward I look, but I joined in and giggled and made a fool of myself quite happily (I am gaining a talent for that ;-). I think it's the first time I've skimmed stones... Finally, finally, after a competition of trying to knock down beer cans of rocks (which somehow I managed to end up being the one who kept having to put them up, and I am still SURE I was cheated out of victory), I thought I would do one last stone... try and beat 5 skips. So I picked up the perfect stone. Weighed it in my hand. Balanced it. Stepped back. Took aim. Pulled my arm back to curve it. Promptly let fly about 90 degree's early (premature throwing) and nearly brained a cute blonde walking down the beach with her bf.

Sigh I CLAIM I was resorting to caveman tactics of trying to knock her out to drag her back to my cave, but that didn't really wash. I just curled up bent over in embarrassment and got the giggles and tried unsuccessfully to hide behind K. I don't think they were English as they didn't say anything when we walked past them on the way out. Of course they may have just been nervously watching me in case I tried for a repeat performance...

It just proves, once again, the safest place to be when I throw things is where I am aiming at...

Family betrayals

2008-05-26T18:30:00.001+01:00

While I was down here though my parents wanted to sit me down and talk to me about my Nan. Dad had been abrupt on the phone the night before as he had to keep the line clear and told me he would explain when I got down here. I was kind of worried, to be honest. Nan is 87, blind and barely mobile and suffers panic attacks so I was making up all sorts of possibilities.

I can hear Nan on the phone to Mum at the moment in the background to be honest, and they are reassuring her that everything is ok as she is having a panic attack. I am taking Mum down to stay with her a few days on the way home, so the timing has turned out well.

The basic story is (and I don't think there is anyway to state it except factually, as you would start getting bitter if you really thought about it) my Aunt (who is the most local to Nan) was charged with her basic care and finances. Nan is very wary of strangers so wouldn't allow a paid cared assistant so my aunt received the care allowance for shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc, and making sure that bills, etc, were paid. After Nan's phone was suddenly disconnected a whole mess has been revealed which Mum and Dad have been dealing with for the last couple of weeks. Utility bills unpaid for several years and all of them either in the hands of debt collectors or about to have a forcible disconnection. My Aunt having apparently taken the pension for who knows how many years and paid barely a penny out.

The temptation is, of course, to go after my Aunt. If financially my parents weren't in a position to try and get Nan out of this then they would have no choice. They can though, and I am pretty proud of them despite how angry they have been about this (Mum hasn't really slept in the last couple of weeks) they have stepped back from the desire for retribution and thought about what's best for my Nan. They know it would kill Nan if she knew quite the scope of what's happened, how much she was betrayed. She would hide away terrified for fear of the trouble she had caused. I also know... that anger would have hidden a certain (misplaced) guilt that they did not push things earlier, did not dig deeper. So (can you tell practicality runs in my family) instead they have thought about what Nan needs and have taken over all the organisation and financial responsibility, even though they have to do it from a distance. My aunt is talking of slinking off and frankly I don't care what happens to her as long as she keeps out of our lives and our affairs. I've been helping Mum and Dad setup all the utility bills for online billing, so they don't have to worry about how they will get the bills.

There has been talk that maybe my Aunt has a gambling problem. I don't know. It has been nothing but lies as long as I can remember so I not even going to think about it. Rare as it is for me, I have no sympathy and no empathy. This is pure exploitation of someone that was helpless and depended on her. Her own Mother. I am beyond disgusted, I am not even bitter. To me, I count myself less one relative and will have no qualms completely ignoring her if I ever had the misfortune to encounter her again.

Restful weekends...

2008-05-26T18:17:00.001+01:00

So much to catch up on. So I am sitting at Mum's (for the bank holiday weekend) in a pink fluffy dressing gown and doing to do some catch up. I want to point out it is NOT my pink fluffy dressing gown, it's Mum's, despite what anyone else may say about me, I'm not into pink! It just doesn't match my skin tone ;-).

My car had to have her first service this weekend (poor baby) as she is nearly a year old and I've already hit the 12500 miles. I work her so hard, poor thing, you always suspected me to be a hard, cruel task master, didn't you? The garage is half way between my house and Mum's so I thought it was a good chance to come down here and be spoiled for a few days. Well be spoiled, fix Mum's PC, fix Dad's PC, fix Mum's email, write a spreadsheet for dad, give them advice, buy mum a new mouse, download and install some new mini games for Mum, show Mum how to play DVD's on her laptop, load some music for Dad, demonstrate the Wii Fit for them...

Ahhhh now you see why I am going 5000 miles away for my summer holidays ;-).

Secret to Inner Peace

2008-05-13T20:38:00.001+01:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Plumbing the depths

2008-05-12T21:57:00.001+01:00

My parents' town is going to be one of the first to be receiving high speed 100Mbit broadband in the UK. That'd be pretty neat to have and is using the novel approach of running fibre through the sewers to save laying new pipes, etc.

Now, my parents have quite a habit of calling me when things go wrong with their PC or their internet... but I ummm think I will be opting out of helping them sort out that one. This adds a whole new meaning to "my internet pipe is a big clogged up". Ewwwww.

Counselliing

2008-04-22T16:04:00.001+01:00

So it's just about time for me to go see a counsellor at my doctor's surgery for the first time. I rang to make a private appointment a week or so ago as I know I really need some help to get past some reoccuring things. Stress. Anxiety. How I deal with them. How I respond to them. How they effect my self-image and the cycles I then go through. I am honestly terrified, my heart is beating so fast... I know it will be ok, but those old fears. Will I clam up, will I know what to say, will I sound stupid...

See, thats exactly why I am going.

Kick up the arse

2008-04-22T15:49:00.001+01:00

I weighed myself on a whim this morning after my shower. It must have been a year or so since I last weighed myself and it was quite a shock. Well I admit the first time I read it I checked the scales again as I didn't believe it. Last time I looked I was about 115lbs and now I'm 134lbs.

OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!

Summer Holidays

2008-04-21T21:11:00.001+01:00

Yaaay so I've finally planned my summer holidays. Shhhh it's not SUCH a shock that finally decisions have been made.

Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.

Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.

*gets nervous and excited*

Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!

Closure

2008-04-16T18:35:00.001+01:00

Now that whinge is out the way (well, fairly recently, I did kind of have to go to work in between, these things happen), onto other happier things. It is surprising how writing things down does clear the air and let you move on, it certainly did with the previous post.

It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.

One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.

Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.

So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.

I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!

It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."

Another little nudge

2008-04-16T06:15:00.000+01:00

A sleepless night and one of those where thoughts were jumbled and unpleasent. To be honest, I've avoided writing when I've had lower times. I mean I've said it all before. Hell I don't want to hear about it so no one else wants to find it by accident when they are eating their cornflakes. Maybe in some ways I don't want to remind myself about it so I can forget about it. So, into a habit of thinking ok I won't write about that, I won't write about that. More self-censorship. Mainly based on thinking "oh no not again" and that feeling of not getting anywhere, even if it's not true. Possibly because it feels like I only come here to whine.

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.

So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.

The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.

The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.

But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.

Oh dear

2008-04-09T22:15:00.001+01:00

I am not saying this kind of shows the mentality at work, but they've put signs up in the men's toilets telling us to make sure we flush the toilets...

Party

2008-03-21T23:55:00.001Z

I'm on a blogging rant, obviously. After a week of being so tired I've been curled in bed by 8pm latest today has been just what I needed. I was asleep by 7.30pm last night, then awake from midnight for an hour or two.... and then a nice lie in this morning. Spring cleaning today, not just tidying but turning the rooms upside down to see what I didn't need. The things I had tucked into corners or under the bed that really needed throwing out. That and stuffing vitamins down my throat to combat the cold that decided to start coming out today (hence the tiredness I think) and then a delicious nap from being genuinely worn out from being busy. Such a lovely feeling! Feeling tired because you've done something and not just from the fact you've made it home from work!

Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.

Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.

We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.

The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.

So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.

!

2008-03-21T22:30:00.000Z

Talking of fond memories.... I caught the end of Airplane! on tv earlier today. God that movie is still so funny, it should have dated so badly but it hasn't. I will never forget the increasingly paranoid looks on Lloyd Bridges face!

Me? I will just settle for having a drink problem... and don't call me Shirely.

Fond memories

2008-03-21T22:28:00.000Z

I was talking to a South African friend tonight about comics. It was one of those weird turns of conversations that start off and go on tangents. They had been interviewing Alan Moore on the BBC news website and it fascinated me when it said he still lived in a 3 bedroom terrace in Northampton just like the one he had grown up in. One of the greatest comic book writers in history and so grounded in his roots. Anyway, from that I was flicking and started looking at the costumes for the watchmen movie (purrr at one particular one) and then I whinged loads to him about how it could possibly completely destroy one of my favourite stories and one which (imo) resparked off the whole comic genre again... Anyway I am biased, I like it a lot. Oh yes, after oggling PVC leggins and suspenders we talked about Terry Pratchett (they were advertising the TV version of the Colour of Magic on TV). It really is a small world as despite being in different countries we had both met him at book signings (kinda nice that, like one touch removed via a common connection).

Anyway, I have very fond memories of a trip to the Forbidden Planet in London for a signing. We were early so we were wandering around downstairs, looking at books, when we saw this guy in a hat talking to one of the staff members. It was of course Terry Pratchett. No one else seemed to recognise him, he was just mooching around undisturbed and we couldn't help overhearing. He wasn't overly keen on doing the signing in the shop. Too small. Too crowded. No alcohol. He had seen a nice bar around the corner though... They did. They took over that bar for the afternoon. It was supposed to be an hours signing but he must have been there for 3hrs+ signing and making sure everyone got through. No just closing up shop when the time was up. Others may have had a celebrity fit and said that was it... but not he sat through and said hi to everyone that came by. Chatted. Was friendly. Didn't just mumble and sign, he said hi. He asked names. He wrote personalised dedications in every book. He even recognised us from another signing and which book it was. When you consider the thousands of people he must meet every year. Its such a delight someone that so truly loves their audience and celebrates with them... Truly truly one of the great eccentrics and gentlemen of our time.

Family teasing

2008-03-21T19:37:00.000Z

I was a good boy on the way back last Sunday. I've driven past the motorway turnoff to my sisters on the way back from Wales countless times in the last 6 months but not popped into see her. My excuse is its normally it's either 6am in the morning or 9pm at night, so the kids might not appreciate me popping in for a cup of tea... Well they might, but their parents might not.

So I phoned before I left and arranged to pop in for half hour for a cup of tea. I made sure I got the kids all worked up before I left, just in time for my sister and her bf to try and watch the Grand Prix ;-). My sister of course spotted my half chipped off nail polish (I'd put it on for the party but hadn't any remove to take it off) and commented on it and pointed it out to her bf. I had to laugh, she asked if there was something I needed to tell her and that she was going to tell my mum. I just told her it was a fancy dress party and she was just jealous as she didn't get out enough and I was making up for lost time...

I know, shocking. I should have touched up my polish before I went home!

Yawn

2008-03-21T00:10:00.003Z

I don't know why but this week I have been really exhausted after work and generally tired all the time. I've got in and by 7pm I've been wiped out and not wanted to do anything I'm hoping the long easter weekend will break me out of this weariness and apathy. Maybe its empty house syndrome again, now that I don't *have* to do anything after work. Dunno but its annoying.

Money money money

2008-03-21T00:10:00.001Z

Swiftly (and I mean very swiftly!) moving on I'm pretty pleased with myself. I tend to avoid looking too closely at my finances. If no one is knocking on my door demanding things that's pretty good. I know I am not getting a payrise this year though so for once I did sit down and go through my bank statements and credit card statements to see what I could rationalise. By killing a magazine subscription here, an uneconomic life insurance policy there, a few other things and finally by not taking an upgrade on my cellphone but dropping it to a "SIM only" tarriff and lowering the minutes I've managed to scrape back about 65 pound a month. Pretty chuffed with that!

Ummm ooopsie

2008-03-21T00:04:00.000Z

OK. I am not going to admit that after reinstalling my Vista laptop (btw I think it did pretty good, that installation of Vista lasted just over a year) I then decided to reinstall itunes and tomtom. I am then not going to admit I plugged my SatNav (tomtom) into my PC in order to do a firmware upgrade and get the latest maps. I am then not going to admit I sat there for twenty minutes fiddling with cables, rebooting and reading the online help to try and find out why it didn't recognise my tomtom but just hung. With those things not being admitted there is no way in hell I am going to admit that I finally realised I had the USB cable plugged into my desktop and not the laptop I was using.

Please please please please don't ask what I do for a living...

*goes off to hide*

Visitations

2008-03-14T10:44:00.003Z

I was a bit nervous this time of my landlady coming back for her six monthly visit for medical checks. She brought her bf and her mum back for the trip. In a two bedroom bungalow thats suddenly a lot of people! I am really not that used to having people around in "my" space and I know I was more than a bit uptight about it the last week or so.

I did my normal rushing round trying to get the house tidy and the back garden presentable. I wasn't quite as manic as previous times. Quite as insistent on it being perfect. I got to the point where I thought this is my home, if not my house, and if it's tidy and clean and I am happy to live here then thats enough. I didn't move the boys toys, just stacked them neatly. I didn't re-arrange things from how was convenient for me. I didn't disrupt how I live in the house just for the week. That was a good thing I think and I relaxed a bit more when I had come to that decision mid-week last week.

Probably quite a big thing for me actually despite being such a small thought. Not doing things to please someone at the cost of myself. Something I still struggle with the balance of. The house was tidy though and midweek this week my landlady actually said to me thankyou for it being so tidy, she appreciated it. This was probably the first time I've heard her say thanks like that... and it was lovely. I know she thinks it, but it is rare for her to be so unguarded as to say something. The evenings have been different but nice. A little time chatting when I come in from work, having a coffee with her and sometimes her bf too. Retire to my room for an hour or two to unwind and get some space on my own, just sitting quietly. Then dinner with her bf as her and her mum probably ate earlier. Then some more time just chatting, doing things like trying to get her new phone sorted out til its coming upto my bedtime. Then off to bed to again to relax on my own, before sleep. Quite a good balance of sociableness but not giving up my own space. More balanced.

I thought this was going to be a really bad trip. So many people. I thought she would be irritable and picky because of having so many people underfoot. I knew she was dreading the trip. Instead, despite her saying she is hating it and its been her worst trip back.... She has seemed her happiest in a long long time. Huggy. Silly. Chatty. Flirty. I was trying to work out why. Maybe talking with me is something new and outside the people she see's day in day out. Maybe its because this time she is feeling well again whereas the last two she has been pretty poorly and stressed. Maybe its because with a full household she is tied down and can't do her normal rushing round and trying to be everywhere and do everything. She has had to sit and stop and thats made her less rushed and driven. I don't know, but I know I like this version of her and it's been a pleasure having her here. Now can I have my house back *grins and winks cheekily*.

Open networks

2008-03-14T10:44:00.001Z

Taking the slow train home and writing the previous blog I idly brought up the wireless LAN browser to see what I saw as the train travelled across. I noticed two things -

First, there are an amazing amount of BT Home Hubs out there
Second, Belkin54g users seem the worst at setting any wireless security or changing the SSID

I must have seen at least 20 unsecure networks as I idly refreshed on the journey home. I wonder how many of those also had the default admin password for that router...

Please please please if you use a Wireless LAN - change the default admin password and turn on security to stop people hopping onto your network!

Bonus!

2008-03-14T10:43:00.001Z

We got our bonus letters today, at last! This was for the year til end of 2007. I am sure some people will be disappointed but I am not grumbling. It was about half what it could have been, but it's a bonus!!! The re-org has been announced at work and will be in place by June and my thought had been if nothing is changing at work and the bonus comes and is ok then I might jump and just be away from work for a bit travelling. With the reorg announced and with the bonus being what it is, carry on working for now and see what happens from the re-org. It has the possibility of shaking things up quite a bit, or it has the possibility of making things a lot worse. We will see. It is change though and that's the thing that was needed most. Some change that may drive improvements. If nothing improves well... there will be time to still jump. I am not one to do these things in a fit of pissedoffness though. I said I would give it a chance if it had the capability for making things better, so they have a few months.

With that in mind it made the disposition of the bonus fairly easy. I rang up the ex and asked her about the holiday to Spain she is taking my boy to in October. I asked her how much his bit was and it comes to about 10% of what I'll be getting after tax, so I said I will pay for him to go. 10% was the kind of workable figure we work on for my child support for him. I know she would have been happy enough if I didn't give on any of it to her, for him, but to me it's kind of the principle of the thing. We agreed 10% of my income and if I start getting petty and feeling resentful of it it's going to screw me up inside. But, with the bonus, I want to make sure it goes to something he gets benefit from. Something he knows I've paid for for him so he gets to appreciate it. Last year I paid for the car insurance as most of her car use is taking him round places. This year its for his holiday. When we received the bonus letters it had a kind of "right feel" in my head. The rest, well. Two things. First, I will now send off for the divorce and pay the court fee's with that. Second, when we separated and bought my ex her house, the sale of the old house didn't cover the costs so half my savings went into it as well. At the time the boy's child maintenance account was being held in my savings (as it was offset against the mortgage, so it saved us a chunk on the repayments). I've never gotten round to repaying what we owed him into his account so the rest of the bonus will go into that. It doesn't quite cover it, but it's a fair chunk and I will feel better on it. Hey if I never really had it, then I won't miss it, so it seems the best time to do it!!

Meeting friends

2008-03-14T10:42:00.001Z

This is rather pertinent to my current feelings, one of the many oddnesses of me.

Whilst in San Francisco I had the very great privilage of meeting a dear friend who I have spoken to online (albeit briefly) most days in the last two years. My landlady's best friend who became a very dear friend of mine. When I had confirmed my plans to take the boy to San Francisco we had excitedly agreed to meet up, somehow. It was far too close to not do otherwise even though she would be the one having to travel into town.

So, after much arranging (thank heavens for internet in hotels) there I was sat, sitting on a wall in Union Square waiting for her. The kids happily off with my parents to tour who knew where whilst I had my grown up day. I had taken the cable car up from where we were staying in Fishermans Wharf. Predictably I was very early as (despite the amount of times I end up late :P) I always try and give myself extra time when it's somewhere I don't know. So that gave me extra time to get nervous. To worry. To get more nervous whilst I wandered around and then waited.

This is what struck me as ridiculous about the whole thing and how I was feeling. I have wandered around a dungeon in a leather thong and corset and tail in the USA. I wandered around the same hotel in tartan mini-skirt and stockings and heels. I was fine, very little nervous... and yet here, meeting a friend who I had spoken to online for two years, who I knew inside out, intimately. Who knew me the same and still liked me... Here, I was anxious and nervous to the point of feeling sick. Tummy totally churning, shoulder muscles screwed up. I guess in the end the reason I was so more nervous was because it mattered. I knew her and it mattered to me how we got on, how she reacted to me in person rather than from far away. In the convention I didn't care, I would never see them again. But her opinion mattered.

In the end though we had a lovely few hours and I was glad to have met and hugged a dear friend. Definitely a highlight of my trip and one I am very glad to have had chance to have.

Conflict

2008-03-06T18:02:00.001Z

That was the end of a day at work that I really want to put behind me. Work has been a bit stressful recently with a lot of things going on, so hard to keep on top of things but today was just yuk. It wasn't even that it was a particularly bad day at work, it was just the way it started. Something came up over coffee this morning that showed a member of our team was doing thing his way and not communicating them to us. We didn't have a problem with what he did, it was just how he did it. Or rather that it was done without discussion.

Well, he made a snappy comment about it to my team leader, that we had an issue with it... apparently this was a teasing comment back but ummm no, I know that tone of voice. That was pissed off. Well my team lead lost it at that point and some very nasty things were said. I think they then went off a little later to sort it out and kissed and made up but for me it felt very unresolved. It was that atmosphere in the air lingering. The tension. The very strained and deliberately light comments. The walking on eggshells. Ugh, I wasn't even directly involved, just on the edge of it.... party to the initial disagreement but not the argument. It was just being there. I really cannot handle aggression like that, or that eggshell feeling after. It reminds me so much of many times in my marriage and I still react the same way. Headache, knotted shoulders. Tension. Going cold. That was the worst thing today. Feeling the weight on my shoulders and that suddenly I was cold and dead inside, and yet still jumpy and jittery. Its the lingering feelings from the past that go with it. The little niggling things that say how useless I am, how stupid, how I can't do anything. Her voice from the past pointing out I was more than shy. That I didn't get on with people. That I wouldn't go out with her. That people thought I was odd. That I was just like my dad... that I didn't fit in. Her words digging digging digging at me... telling me all the things I couldn't do. That I wasn't. That I failed on.

So there. I am on the train on the way home and I wanted to write it down on paper (as it were) immediately and try and leave it here and not carry it so much into the evening ahead.

Machines do not lie...

2008-03-01T20:02:00.001Z

There is a very special museum in San Francisco, on Pier 45. Tucked away. A little glass door. A sign above, but just one many things seeking attention on the tourist friendly waterfront.

We had had time to kill. The first full day of my parents and niece having joined us on holiday in San Francisco. We were slowly making our way from Aquatic Park to Pier 39. Letting the kids look around, peek in places, shops, just getting acquainted with the area and each others. Convenient for us as we were only two blocks away from the piers. Seeing things that attracted the kids interests and making a note for another time.

The kids started by playing on the beach, hysterically screaming with laughter as they ran down to the sea edge and then ran back giggling as the tide rushed up to meet their feet. Daring each other to leave it to the last moment, seeing who would be last.... who might get wet. Oh yes, get wet, so very very accidentally. Honestly. Accidentally.

We stopped to sit in the sun and watch the cable car turnaround. I've seen it before, so I just watched the kids faces. So this was a San Franciscan cable car that they had heard so much about!

From there on to Hyde Pier, to admire the historic ships from the outside. Cooing at the very reasonable prices that would await our return visit (I do like US historic parks, they are very.... accessible! We almost have a habit over here of making our history expensive to see and boring for children). I loved the fully rigged ship. The history of it made me smile. Built in Glasgow. Sailed from Cardiff. Journeyed to San Francisco. Visited by and Englishman who has friends in all three places. It really is a small world now, isn't it?

A short walk then til we made it to Pier 45. We were walking up to have a look at the WWII submarine berthed there so we scurried past the fresh sea food stalls holding our breath. The boy had a major start when a crab snapped its claws up from the ice box it was in.... he didn't QUITE expect it to be that fresh. He was very skittish walking past them from that point on. As we got to the end of the stalls we saw the big open doors to the historic car show being held there that weekend. It was hard to miss it as a few of them nearly ran us over. That wasn't what attracted our attention though, it was that little glass door below with a sign saying "Open" that caught our eye. Not bold. Not brash. Just there. Well ok, it was the sign above that said "free entry" that had something to do with it but shhhh I am being all travelogue here and pretending its culture that gets us going.

Anyway, this was the Musee Mecanique. A little hidden treasure. A mostly private collection of restored coin-operated mechanical diversions and antique arcade games. It was impossible not to smile and go "oh I remember", not matter what your age. From peep showreels of "What the belly dancer did on her evening off", to mechanical gyrating dolls or scenes. From "tell how sexy you are" machines to electro-shockers. From pac-man to starwars arcade games. Machines to draw your image... Penny stretches... bowling games... "Grab" games. Racing games. Sport games. Shooting games. Even coin operated telescopes. If you have ever put money into a machine and turned the dial and hoped it would work... they had that machine there. Playstation 3? Phooey. The kids had so much fun in that museum with a handful of quarters that we went back another three times. They loved it.

There was one machine though.. that I tried. I normally wouldn't have, but I loved its style. It was a fortune telling machine. Not one of the scary gypsies grinning down at you (they remind me too much of the film Big) but an old fashioned typewriter. Just insert 50cents, press your hands to the wooden case and let it reveal all about you. The typewriter typed away of it's own accord, one letter at a time, letting you read it as the words appeared, til it cut it off and the paper slipped out the chute into your hand.

So here it is. I think it was a fix! Everyone else in the family that tried it came out with a lovely reading! Grudgingly I won't admit how scarily accurate it was for me in some ways though...

YOU ARE INCLINED, AT TIMES, TO BE AGGRESSIVE ALMOST TO THE POINT OF ANTAGONISM. YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE MENTAL TYPE, AND IT SHOULD BE EASY FOR YOU TO OVERCOME THIS TENDANCY ONCE YOU ARE AWARE OF IT. YOUR MIND MOVES RAPIDLY, AND YOUR WITTY SPEECH SOMETIMES TURNS CYNICAL. REMEMBER YOUR FAULT, AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Selling the crown jewels...

2008-02-26T21:55:00.000Z

I was watching a documentary last night about the largest airports in the UK. It was about BAA, the company that runs them, and how it operates, how it "seems" to force early checkins in order to push people into the trapped retail space behind security in order to maximise its profits (they get a huge chunk of any money you spend). The thing that amazed me most was - in 2005 BAA was bought by a private Spanish group. Yes. The company that runs the biggest UK airports including Heathrow, Gatwick and Glasgow, is Spanish. More amazingly the Spanish company paid 12 billion for BAA... but only 450 million of that was it's own money. The rest were loans. Those loans have now been rolled into BAA... so BAA is effectively in massive debt to pay for its own purchase... They even said in the medium turn it might go into administration. I don't know the why's and what's of business, or this consolidation of debts that lets you borrow money to buy something which that something then has to pay for... But it amazes me yet again how another major piece of UK infrastructure is not British. Most of the water/power utility companies are foreign owned. Even essential road infrastructure like the bridges between England and Wales are owned overseas... There is free enterprise and capitalism, and then there is selling off your country piecemeal...

I do worry about this country.

STOP PRESS!!

2008-02-26T21:54:00.001Z

STOP PRESS!

Work does have a purpose. I discovered it after going back to work yesterday. For some various reasons I was feeling fairly down on myself on Sunday night and Monday morning and in a generally pissy attitude against the whole world. A mixture of tiredness from the trip, being hungry at odd hours and an irritation I had had with my family whilst I was away that still lingered.

So I went to work in a basically shitty mood, not much alleviated by the fact my train was cancelled (a contrast to the buses we got whilst in San Francisco which were cheap and ontime). I was kind of expecting to find work annoying as I was in a bad mood but I had the control subject in my team leader who also came back from holiday that day. If he ended up in a bad mood from work, then it wasn't just me ;-). Voila! Within half hour I was very pissed off at my manager and I started to feel so much happier! See, work has a purpose! It stops you being pissed off at the whole world and gets you to be pissed off at specific things! What would we do without it????

Back again

2008-02-23T09:52:00.001Z

After sleeping 14hrs and feeling quite zonked this morning... I woke up and my first thought this morning was "bugger, I need to get my own breakfast...." and having a craving for tea, cereal and a cinnamon pasty.... *sigh* being on holiday does spoil you!

Kids today!

2008-02-15T16:52:00.000Z

Hello from San Francisco.

The boy and I arrived yesterday so of course he was awake at 2am local time and talking and watching things on the laptop with me. He is so excited as his nan and grandad and cousin arrived from Phoenix this afternoon. We chatted in the night. He watched short circuit and spent an hour jumping me in pretending to be robots.

We also talked about kissing and he informed me two girls at school had pinned him to walls and stuck their tongues down his throat or tried to, but it was really yukky and his gf scared one of them away. He also informed me very seriously he would never want to do that. I don't know what to think. Am I amazed he is such a tart already. Horrified as he is only 9...or amazed as these two girls were younger....

Kids today!

Putting it into practice

2008-02-06T19:55:00.000Z

Ok, i've been trying to keep these new ideas in my head through today. Every time I've had a "eh" or "blah" or "angry" feeling today I've metaphorically stopped and asked myself what thought came into my head just before that. It was odd, some of them were so fleeting I wouldn't have registered normally I had even thought them, but they were there. Little frustrations. Issues at work. Unresolved things. Things from the morning. Lots of things, just half glanced thoughts. They were always there though, some little thought leading to the bad feeling. I guess normally I would not even register them and would then lead that bad feeling to other thoughts, other frustrations which then swamped whatever it was that made me have an "eh" moment in the first place. Instead today I made a conscious effort to say "ok that feeling came with that thought and it ends with that thought" and then go back to "neutral" rather than let it carry on.

Strangely, it worked. It was a better day. It was a lot less hassled in many ways so that helped, but many things still remain as annoying. I still have the same problems with my laptop at work locking up constantly which makes it hard to work, but I did manage to put aside the bad thoughts as they came and then get on with what needed doing.

I wouldn't say this has lead to a "happier" day. Just a more serene one, which is good. This isn't easy, it feels like a lot of discipline, but I'm going to keep trying at it.

Thoughts from the train

2008-02-06T10:01:00.000Z

I was reading my book again this morning. It makes good bite size chunks on the train (any more than that and I would probably stop paying attention).

Today's point was that it's thinking that evokes feelings, not the other way round, no matter how much it feels like it. We think about things in a negative or positive way and that causes negative or positive feelings. Yes, it can feed a vicious cycle where feeling bad makes you more prone to bad thoughts, which leads to.... but it all starts with a thought. It's an angry thought that leads to angry feelings. It's remembering and thinking of bad things that have been done to you that provokes feelings of insecurity. Our feelings are a mirror of our thoughts. They are our thoughts though, not things imposed upon us. We may have got into ruts or trained to respond in certain ways but they are our thoughts and we can accept or dismiss them as we want.

He also made the point that thoughts aren't real. I struggled with this one. If my thoughts aren't real then what am I? I think though what it meant was that when we replay events in our head it's not the event we are really reacting to. It's our intepretation of them, how we are letting ourselves think about them. We could shrug it off or we could super-analyse, replay them again and again finding fault with ourselves. It's not a current real life event we are reacting to, its like reacting to a dream. A two minute argument with a loved one that is long gone becomes a constant monalogue in our head replaying it over and over and over again finding things we could have done differently or reasons why we can't fix it. It stops being the argument that makes us feel down, it's how we keep replaying it and dwelling on it.

It's a very simple concept and one that again keeps striking chords. It will be interesting to see how it comes to putting things into practice though!

I did some thinking about this (see, heh, I just had to...) in relation to being submissive. I am a very analytical person, and I've always wondered (in my having to find an answer to everything kind of way) if part of my appeal to submission is to stop thinking.... to give over, stop, just for a moment. That felt kind of selfish to me (me me me) and using someone else as a prop. I also suck at it! Heh, it's very rare for me to stop thinking... Now a new thought occurs to me. Not thinking, just responding, living in the moment is a good place to be as it's being completely with the person you are with and not the dozens of things you've been doing or the dozen you have to do. So, someone helping you achieve that place is a "good thing", and a great gift. It's not completely necessary though. Another effect of submission is a narrowing of focus not a complete stilling of thoughts. All those thoughts, feelings, all dwelling on the person you are serving and having to think of them and not yourself. Thinking outside your head. It is a very very very beautiful place.

Work. Blah.

2008-02-05T18:52:00.001Z

Ok calmed down now somewhat. I was fairly "blah" when I came in from work. Definitely of the mind of just curling up and shutting out the world but I made myself come in and do the chores I had to get done tonight. Sort out travel insurance for the trip to San Francisco. Sort out problems with my son's health insurance. Do the dishes. Get the laundry ready. Tidy round a little. Get all the things done that needed doing before I sat down as I knew I wouldn't feel like doing them when I did sit.

Strangely it has made a difference and I feel a lot calmer now and like there has been a separation between the day and how I feel now. I will have to try and remember that. So this blog isn't QUITE so whiney as it might have been. I went into work this morning thinking one of the things that left me down about work was I didn't feel appreciated. I mean its work, and I get paid for it, you aren't there to get cuddly fluffy credit for things. I do think I work hard though and think I do a reasonable job. An odd thankyou from people when I've gone out of my way, not as a company thing, but a personal thing... I mean thats not too much to ask for is it?

No though. For the things I've done today I've had gripes, complaints. I've tried to point out things as to others so they know whats going on and it leads to just shit being thrown back at you. So thats the reward and thanks you get. Try and do something, say something and you get jumped on. So why bother? Half the people at work seem to get praise for creating a crisis (by doing something wrong originally) then having to fix it. Maybe that's where I am going wrong! I shouldn't do things right in the first place!

The worst of it is... I came home tonight wondering if it was me? Am I doing something wrong. Am I coming across badly to provoke people into being like this? Am I really just not very good at this which is why this happens. Is it something in my attitude that pisses people off and makes them be so high and mighty and demanding? I really hate most that these things make me doubt myself and then I doubt myself in other things. I know I get cross because of things that happen but I really hope I am not the cause of it all.

Work. Grumbles.

2008-02-05T18:02:00.001Z

This is the sort of thing that leaves me to coming out of work with a headache and feeling frustrated every day and wondering what I've achieved. I've tried to avoid blogging about work as I don't want to seem like I am whining all the time, but I want to write about it for once.

We've been working on a project to investigate various things. We produced a report. We had it reviewed by our "colleagues" in the design team. They had a few comments. We addressed them. We sent out the report to the customer.

Today we had an email from our design time, addressed to the customer stating that the report was hard to draw conclusions from due to its lack of an overall summary, etc, etc. I have to admit I was furious. We gave them ample opportunity to be involved in the investigations (they weren't). We received back review comments (nothing about that, more about technical and political points). They approved it.

THEN after it was approved and issued they make negative comments about it directly to our (and their) customer.

This is beyond unprofessional and is fairly bloody typical of this place.

I really do try to come into work with a positive attitude in the morning. I really do.

Happiness

2008-02-04T19:53:00.001Z

I started reading a book this morning and it had the statement in it "don't try and do things to make yourself happy, instead decide to be happy". It's a bit simplistic, of course (as many of these generalisations are) but it made me think. What it was getting at is not a new idea, but I guess today it struck me in a new way. It struck a chord for sure. The idea that as people we often put goals in our lives and say once "XXX" happens then I will be happy.

When I find a partner. When I am married. When I have children. When the children grow up enough to be self-sufficient. When I am single again. When I have enough money to stop struggling. When I have that bigger house. When I have a better job. When I retire.

All putting off happiness as something that can be achieved by a change in our circumstances rather than by a change of our thinking. When that happens though, its put off for another goal... Always in the future.

I know I have been guilty of this, especially when I was married... Once I was away from the marriage I would be happy as I would no longer have these bad arguments and fights, all the things which made me unhappy. Things would then be alright. Of course life doesn't work that way and afterwards I still kept putting more "when...." ahead of me. It's quite a miracle (and with definite credit to my friends who have stuck by me) that I've managed to get as far as I have with the attitude I've had. Damn that victorian work ethic that was drummed into me as a child! Heh, it carries over into everything making me think everything is achievable if you try hard enough.

But no... As a dear friend likes to put it, the pleasure is in the little things. If you keep working so hard at things you just end up exhausted, frustrated and looking for something new to "make" you happy. Stopping, looking around, listening to whats really in front of your nose. Well then maybe you can start enjoying whats there.

I remember from church the statement that Jesus said the way to heaven wasn't through works, it was by grace, by Him. You couldn't earn your way there. Maybe heaven and happiness aren't too far seperated. You can't earn them, you just have to stop and accept what's already there.

Children

2008-01-20T12:40:00.000Z

Sometimes being a parent is exhausting, sometimes its exhilarating, sometimes its terrifying and you feel helpless. Sometimes you just feel proud and as like you've really done well.

I picked up my boy from drama yesterday and he was in the gabbling a 1000 words a minute mood, spitting out words about school yesterday as something was on his mind. We pulled over at the nearest McDonalds and shared a happy meal between us (frugal! heh) so he could sit and talk and I could listen properly. He talked about school, it was a bit mixed up and garbled but he obviously needed to talk it out. Once he had finished and looked a bit huffy but spent we talked about other things, our coming up trip to San Francisco and I told him his cousin was coming with us. He was so excited about that his face just lit up!

When we got back to the car my cell rang and it was a friend in tears. He sat happily playing next to me while I talked to her. He didn't fuss at all, I was so proud of him. He just made little comments like who is it, is she alright. He also sounded very surprised and said "Daddy how come you are so practical" at what I was saying to her on the phone. Heh. I thanked him after for giving me the time to talk to her and he said that was ok. Such a lovely little boy!!

Today we had to do homework, and that ended in tears of frustration (his, not mine!). Fractions and he just wanted to guess answers. So tears, stomping, anger, and I told him to go to his room for 5 mins to calm down. He did, he came out, he still didn't want to listen but I sat down with him and showed him how to work through a couple of them and this time he actually started listening and not just getting frustrated as he "couldn't do it". After a few he started giggling and laughing. I didn't QUITE get an "oh this is easy" but I could tell he was thinking it. In the end he finished them all happily and all the tears and anger were gone.

It made me proud of myself in a way, that I had been patient with him and persisted, and I had seen the reward of his giggling and being comfortable with it. It also made me very proud of my little boy that despite the tantrums occasionally, he is such a special little boy.

Public Geekery

2008-01-17T18:36:00.001Z

Last night I went to an OpenSource user group up in London (don't worry if you don't know what that means, assume its technicaly geekery of an extreme manner and you are not far off). Yes, a bunch of geeks meeting to voluntarily listen to more geekery after work in their own time just because its itneresting. It's the first time I've been and I came VERY close to finding excuses to not go or chicken out at the last moment, but I went in anyway. I find groups really hard, especially groups of strangers but knowing we were all there because we were interested made it a bit easier.... especially as it wasn't just a chatting thing but to listen to someone give a presentation on something I found pretty interesting. Wine and beer was supplied before, with a very nice hot meal after. The presentation was great and by the general cohesiveness of geeks other people on their own kind of gravitated together and said hi and then started talking about things often half-incomprehensible to me (since I am a SysAdmin, not a developer). In that situation though, being quiet and listening wasn't QUITE as uncomfortable as it is elsewhere as it was actually interesting... and when things moved to more my area then I could express opinions. So it wasn't easy but I had fun and it was definitely worth the late night after all the travel and I am glad I did it.

It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.

Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny

I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!

Trains

2008-01-17T18:34:00.000Z

There are three basic things I expect travelling by train in the UK:

1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.

I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.

Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.

BUT

Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...

2008-01-15T22:31:00.000Z

Following on from my pride post, one of my awardees (hmmm do I have to give them a prize?) helpfully posted something which totally shows why I said this about them.Go read It has been almost a year since............................ Showing just how far one woman can come in a year. For anyone that pooh pooh's the value of friends you've met online, or even what sites like ALT can do. This is how much difference your support of one person can make. I hope we all think about that next time we look at something and say "shall I email or not?".Alan

Smelly Feet

2008-01-14T19:59:00.000Z

I have smelly feet. Well actually I have a smelly foot. A left smelly foot to be totally precise.

It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.

I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???

Pride

2008-01-14T19:58:00.000Z

At the turn of the new year I read several blogs with a common theme. Reviewing the year and saying thankyou to those that had made a difference in their lives that year. I thought about this, but hopefully I said thanks throughout the year... and if I didn't, you totally have my permission to come over and spank me in person. If you don't have my address come ask me ;-).

So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.

Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.

ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.

Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.

So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.

Christmas and Stuff

2008-01-06T21:42:00.000Z

A new year, and one I am glad of. With the pressure of Christmas off things seem to be much less stressful. Is it bad to think that? That Christmas being over is a relief? In the end I relaxed over it, and stopped being so hung up on the whole family thing, but it still felt like work... and work for other peoples sake. Rushing around, doing the Christmas thing. Turning up at the right places at the right times. Making sure cards and presents were sent off... I am glad I regained my sense of humour over it though. Several of the presents I sent to the USA were a little ummmm worse for wear when they arrived. Well, one arrived as just the wrapping paper.... But it made me laugh and they laughed with me. I guess it really is the thought that counts!

My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.

After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.

Goals

2007-11-09T11:05:00.000Z

I made a comment to a very dear friend today that I was feeling somewhat aimless and wondering where life was going. Like it wasn't really going anywhere. She, in her usual practical way said "well set some goals then". I can't really argue with her, heh, her bluntness is rather unarguable especially as she is always right. She showed me a goal list a friend of hers had written, of things to achieve in the next year. So we agreed, between us, that we would both make a list of things we wanted to do by next March.

It has to be fun things, things we want to do but havent done or have held back from. Fun things, not "i'll get fit" but things which we want to have done, experienced, learnt, seen... things that maybe changes in our lives will help us achieve... so the ends not the means.

I find this terrifying as its instantly made me feel fearful, so hence this blog, to examine why. Its a good thing, to address these.

I am scared of what I want sounding stupid, of it showing up how stupid I am, or how little I have done in life that people take for granted, how my upbringing was stunted and cossetted and sheltered. Showing how little I know and can do.

I am scared of change, but mainly because I am scared of failure. Of not being able to do things.

So that's there. A big fear of failure so fearing wanting goals. ime to start dreaming a little Alan...

Review

2007-11-08T17:55:00.001Z

This afternoon was my 6month review for being on Citalopram. I put it off to the last moment (i.e. needing a repeat prescription and being nearly out of pills) as I wanted to try and work out what to say. No, before you say I wasn't just procrastinating. I really was trying to work out what I wanted to say.

I'm glad I did as it was the normal routine. I went in, she asked how I was, I said how things had been. She wanted to know how I wanted to carry on. I said I thought counselling would be a good next step... she said probably yes, asked what sort of things I might want to try and deal with. I said relationships. Groups. How I react to things because of my self-esteem/insecurity. She said fair enough, so I asked what was available. They have a counsellor attached to the surgery but her waiting list is closed as she has too many patients and too many on the list. The counsellor does accept patients privately though so she suggested that as an option, so I have her card. I asked for advice on the different types of therapy and she explained a couple of the types, so I have a better idea.

The other thing I asked about was a light box and she said it couldn't hurt if I felt cooped up all the time and I had suffered a lot last winter... so she said to look on the internet at prices.

Before I left, she asked about the medication, if I wanted to carry on or consider changing it. I said yes carry on, and she said fine, she would probably have suggested spring anyway before coming off if I was worried about the winter. So that's it... Another 6 months of repeat prescriptions.

Never

2007-11-08T06:52:00.001Z

Never let anyone define you by telling you "what you are" even if couched in terms of being in your best interest. Don't let them limit your possibilities.

Never let anyone tell you how to think. Don't let them limit your mind.

Never let anyone tell you how you should feel. Don't let them limit your emotions.

Never let anyone tell you how to live your life. It's yours to make mistakes, have successes, to laugh, cry, to experience, to live.

Thunder (day two)

2007-10-07T13:05:00.002+01:00

Thunder day two. Yes, I know its been months, but I am slow. This will be briefer as I am getting tired, heh, and have 30mins remaining on the battery here... It was also awhile ago, and I don't want to bore everyone. I'd never been to one of these things before and didn't know what to expect. One of my friends was going through a rough time and that made things a little complicated in the group (and I am SO proud of you for getting yourself together again petal, you are a good girl and a good friend and next time we get together things will be so much better). I was lucky enough to wear my dragon collar with Ms Jolie's tag on for the weekend. Two of the lectures stick out to me. The first two I went to. The first was service with a smile, for all us service subs out there that get up in the morning and have a "well f*ck you" moment when we are grumpy and don't really want to do whats been asked of us. It was packed. It was funny. It was witty. It was true. It was heart felt. It was practical. It didn't hide from those tired upset ill moments. It didn't pretend just get on with it. I looked around all all these wonderful kinky people and felt a kindredness to them. Boys, Girls, TV, TG. Straight, gay, bi. Subs, pets, slaves. All nodding away together at the things she said. It was wonderful hearing so many subconscious thoughts vocalised by her, and so many little coping techniques. I was bouncing around afterwards as it felt so ME. She also said some wonderful things that stick with me. The most important was that as someone providing service you are not weak, you are not giving up responsibility as you cannot cope with life. You are not just waiting for orders to be lazy and avoid it... In fact you are taking on extra responsibility. For yourself and your Master/Mistress. You have to look after yourself and after them. Keep yourself well and safe and ready to serve so you are in a place where you can anticipate and meet their needs. I loved that. The second class I went to was "unarmed BDSM". This was basically a quick A to Z of things you could do without any toys or props. It was brilliant. Very fast, very funny, the presenter had such energy. He was also very British and it was a giggle to hear his accent in the middle of Denver. He also loved having all these things being done to him and barked excitedly at any opportunity. I also learnt a lot about the legal situation here in the UK as he was a member of the spanner trust and people were asking him. Its amazing what you can learn when you don't expect. Oh and it was also sheer total heaven as MsSilvie scritched my neck the entire time. What can I say, I am a tart. I don't deny it. I went to a talk abou Master/Slave relationships and it was definitely a different type of thing than applies to me... but it was very interesting to listen and watch people. See the kinds of questions they asked, what it revealed about their lifestyles and backgrounds. It was kind of an honour to be exposed to so many different types of community. D/s, S&M, Leather, Lesbian, Het, all in one place and see how their dynamics were different. The variety in one place, was comforting. Even a little pup can fit somewhere. I will gloss over the rest of the seminars as I (in my humble little opinion) was not enthralled by some of the indications of cult of personality or hero worship in certain areas... I don't need a lifestyle coach, I am quite capable of screwing up my own life well enough without one of those ;-). I am glad I went to the ones I did do, and I am glad (at that time) I went to the more basic or "why we do what we do" ones. I don't think I would be so inclined to go to them again though. I know I have a lot to learn about my quirks, desires, motives, how to serve, how to be better me... but for me now I think I am learning more by seeing how others live their lives and get through their battles. Learning by living life, not hearing someone else telling me. That may change in the future when I get over this growing spurt and need to consolidate my thoughts again, who knows? :). Now I feel more in a practical phase of trying to put into reality the things I have learnt, try things, get knocked down, get up and try again. Live and enjoy life a bit. Learn practical skills and test abilities and desires. The evening dungeon it was just going to be Ms Jolie and I walking around as Ms Silvie was fairly tired and worn out after a long day, no air and a lovely meal. I dressed in the lovely outfit Ms Jolie had helped me choose. My heeled ankle bootlets. My fishnets. My red and black tartan skirt. My black fitted top. My black collar with red dragons. I felt so proud to be led out like that. No leash as she didn't want to break my neck if I fell... so I could stay like this wherever I went in the hotel, without having to hide. Just be like this as we walked around the public and private areas. We went to the car park dungeon and walked around, watching people... then back to the main dungeon... the same... before finally the car park dungeon again. Such different energy between the two. I loved the industrial simplicity of the car park. I also loved the grip on my high heels :P. The car park... things really happened. More intense whippings... more passion... more energy. Screams... Quieter music so it didn't drown everything out. Vacuum sacs... Trample walks... Fire play... a beautiful beautiful piercing scene through the upper arms and then patterned with ribbons. I watched that for quite a while, surprised I wasn't squicked by it. I thought I would be. The girl having it down was simply beautiful. She was naturally beautiful, but the pleasure in her eyes... it was entrancing. The way she breathed as the needles went in. The soothing way he spoke to her. It was an amazing thing to watch and I felt quite humbled to be able to see it. It was quite moving and quite soothing. Ms Jolie looked after me and made sure I sat down a lot and checked I wasn't hurting my legs as it was the first time I had walked in heels for any length of time (heh like ever) and the first time I had been seen in a skirt by anyone. She kept dropping me comments about people looking at me but I never saw it, I was just really proud to be led around by her with her tag on my collar.

Link

Learning

2007-10-07T13:05:00.001+01:00

Life has very much been an eyeopener recently. Life, people, BDSM. So many things changing, so many relationships changing. New friendships forming. Others maturing. Thunder. Meeting people over there. Seeing my first dungeon. Going to SWAMP. Meeting people from ALT. Dressing in public in the UK. So many things. I admit I knew all the terms such as SSC and RACK but it never really sank in what they meant to me. I guess I was fairly passive. Reticent to express my desires. Willing to be "done to" or let others take the lead but not willing to put forward my side of the equation. Thats not to say I was a "bad sub"... but I definitely suffered from the "whatever you want Mistress" syndrome. Maybe its because I came from an online background so didnt have much experience of what i DID like. It's very hard to say "i want this" when you have never tried anything and don't have major deep fantasies on any subject. When all you know is inside you that you are a horny kinky slut who has a deep desire to serve and make those you care for happy. I was very lucky that my former Mistress understood me so well and led me into wanting things, teaching me the way to start admitting my desires. Still then though, with her, my over-riding desire was to serve. She so spoiled me with her desires, but I know thats not common or fair on a partner. I don't want to top from the bottom, i don't want to say me me me, but I do want to take responsibility for showing them what I want and need. To give them over a wonderful platter of kinks, fetishes, desires, fears to choose from and twist in their own delightful way. To give them ideas to play with. To work together to meet our mutual needs and have a wonderful kinky time. I have begun to realise it doesn't matter what it is you do with your partner, it's that it works for both of you, that it fulfils both your needs (both to give and to be accepted, to do and be done to, to please and to be pleased to love and be loved) and builds a deep intimate connection between you. That's what BDSM is for me, a wonderful connection between people at a deep intimate almost primal level, with an array of toys and methods to achieve that. Today both the terms SSC and RACK finally fell into place. Why one and not the other, what the difference is. Someone had said to me recently she had seen how I had changed, how my terms of reference had changed, and how she saw me. Today I saw it for myself. I was discussing fantasies with a friend and things got very deep, very heated and very much beyond anything we had admitted to someone else before. We were feeding each other with our fantasies. After we calmed down we sat back and looked at them and said ok... if that were to happen what would the consequences be. What would the risks be. How would we mitigate them. How would we decide, if that ever happened, when it would be on the scale of "acceptable risk" (and all BDSM has SOME risk, but so does crossing the road...). What would be too much? What should be left as a fantasy and not reality. Whilst talking it popped into my head. Safe. Sane. Consensual. This would be consensual if it ever happened, yes. Safe? Well. No. As safe as it could be made to be, but not without accepted risks, minimal yes, but still... not what I could hand on heart say was "safe" in a strict sense. So hmmm. Sane? Well, we both agreed it was hot as hell... and appealed to our particular backgrounds, tastes, kinks, but sane? Hmmm again. It was safe and sane to us, but others might not see it that way. It just felt too much like stretching those terms. Then it popped into my head what I'd been told about RACK. Risk Aware - yes. If we ever did this sort of thing we would make sure we knew everything we could about it, the implications, the consequences, before even deciding if it was a yes/no/maybe/keep as a fantasy or role play. Consensual. Hell yes. Ripping each others clothes off to do would count as somewhat consensual in most books... Kink. Ummm yes totally. So there it dawned. In our own little newbie way we had decided that RACK fitted us. We were both somewhat shocked, somewhat stunned and somewhat well, proud of ourselves. It felt like growing up. Admitting our desires. Admitting they had consequences. Taking responsibility for them and our actions. Not hiding in "in didn't know" or letting ourselves be led by others, but taking responsibility as adults. I don't know if we will ever do that scene. Who knows. It doesnt matter. It feels good to be an adult in the big kinky sweetshop and ready to be responsible kinksters. Well until we get all hormonal again anyway :P.

Thankyou to friends

2007-10-07T13:04:00.001+01:00

Half way back to Reading. I left work 3 1/2 hrs ago. Only an 1 1/2 hrs to get home! God I am a prat! Heh but still some battery life left to continue dribbling away here. I wanted to thank all the people that had left me kind messages and phone calls or IM's after my "hurt" post. I was very touched by all the people who made a big point of not disagreeing with me, heh. I love you all. I may not say so much, or always call or write, but I have never forgotten any of you and you are in my thoughts all the time.

Wicked

2007-10-07T13:02:00.001+01:00

The final trip recently was to take a friend to London to see Wicked (the life and times of the wicked witch of the west) which is an amazing musical and I loved it! I am a big fan of the Wizard of Oz... I used to work for a transport company in a very small IT department. I worked with a lovely lady who was equally as convinced as I was that everyone else in the company was nuts. I used to sit in meetings muttering "there's no place like home, there is no place like home" and clicking my heels together. I seem to remember "I don't think we are in Kansas anymore, Toto" was also said rather a few times. So, I became Dorothy and she was the Wicked Witch. People gave us very odd looks as she called out "Good Morning Dottie" as I came in, or even at customer meetings... Hmmm yes. So I used to be called Dorothy by her... and Alice in other places (for Wonderland of course). Kind of inevitable I ended up dressing up like them I suppose! Anyway, with that background and having read "Wicked" as part of a book club I really did see the musical to work out how the hell they could possibly turn that story in a musical. When my friends birthday came up and she said she'd love to see it with me I jumped at the chance. It really was beautifully staged, just taking the plot points from the book that made sense and dropping a lot of the darkness, but keeping enough to give you that bitter sweet tang of empathy for them and how circumstances led to their inevitible end. The main part of Elpheba was sung by an incredibly talented young lady with a voice that sent shivers down my back. It wasn't all serious though, Galinda (pronounced with a Ga) the Good was quite hysterical as a typical over the top spoilt blonde. A great show and so nice not to have to rush back home but to stay over for the night. The next morning we browsed kinky shops in London. Kay tried on the most amazing latex tailed skirt and top which would have had people clawing at her heels... we saw a few other places ranging from the "disappointing and ugh" to the downright expensive but incredibly well stocked. OK so she had to drag me away from pawing at the floggers. So sue me, I like them. It was one hell of a lot of good kinky fun, ending up with lunch in covent garden. I even was good and didn't buy much, just a copy of SM 101 as it caught my eye and I liked the bits I read in the shop. It was a hell of a lot of silly fun and a great great weekend :).

Trips

2007-10-07T13:01:00.000+01:00

One of the things I hadn't written about was my recent trips. First was to the Lake District with my boy. That was lovely, I am so glad I bought the new car as it makes so much difference. I wouldn't have gone that far before or enjoyed driving around when I got there. We had a great time in an amazing cottage. Everything you could possibly have wanted while we were there was already provided. We just needed to buy food and find places to go. Its a beautiful place and the weather was mainly kind to us. A little drizzle, a little chill, but mostly dry and pleasant. I loved the boys company, going walking and exploring with him, Having his time just to me even when he was hard work. We compromised in the end and he let me have some free time to just relax every evening. It was also pretty nice being away from computers completely. He has got so brave though, we went scrabbling over the rocks at the base of a cliff on one beach at low tide and he loved it. He wouldn't have done that a year ago. He liked it so much we went back the next day and went much further... Even ended up scrambling up the side of a waterfall while we were away. I was so proud of him and it was so lovely to see his pride in doing it too. The warmest day we took a hop-on-hop-off ferry round one of the lakes. Hopped off and went walking at three of the stages. He was very tired that night! It was a great week... at the same time his mum was in switzerland on a walking holiday. So all of us doing things we liked but which we would have been too busy arguing to have done before. All in all a good reminder of why we are apart. Only disappointment was one of my scottish friends was supposed to join us with her Beagle, but work and ill-health from the dog stopped her being able to make it. We were all disappointed we won't get to see each other this year :( Soon after that I had to go to Berlin on a work trip, to a technical conference. Only two nights but it does seem to take up time! Especially the way our work travel system is! I went with a girl in our team, and I was more than a little nervous about spending so much time with her socially (I am not the most social animal). It was fun though. I like her, and she knows all about me so I didn't have to really hide anything. The conference was really good (unexpectedly so) and worth going for. The hotel was lovely. The food amazing and the company pretty good. Being the geek that I am, I was the only one who turned up in jeans and sneakers... but hey, I am a techie.. it was a techie conference... why would I dress up in a suit to hear other techies say techie things??? Had some time to go sightseeing the first evening of the conference. Walked around at a speed march with my friend from work and had fun. She was really good company and I enjoyed the time talking with her, or even the times being quiet. I owe her now though for the amount of times she has teased me at work about things since... It wasn't my kind of place, I am not a city person, but I am really glad I went as it was the sort of thing that always intimidated me - travelling to a strange city where I didn't know anyone or anything.

Sooo busy!

2007-10-07T13:00:00.000+01:00

Havent written much for a while but now I am stuck on this train this has to be the perfect time to do it, until my battery dies. Heh last long train journey I did I wrote the Thunder (day one) post. Maybe I should do this more often. Not :P. Its been busy recently, like busy things filling in life busy. Not quite sure where the time has gone. I know I have barely emailed anyone recently, if they arent on the phone, in my face or IMing me there just hasnt been time or inclination after work. This week is an example.

Last Friday, went to stay over at my ex's as she was out early on Sat, so I needed to be there to take the boy to drama class. He got up in a tired mood. Lots of tears and he ended up refusing to go, so took him home and grounded him for the day. He played nicely and we ended up cuddling watching tv, but he stayed grounded. Sunday, took him back to his mums. For various reasons I ended up going to visit kblsb in Wales on Sunday, managed to get caught up when they shut the M4. So that was me parked there for 5hrs. Eventually from Bracknell to Wales was 7hrs travelling... Drove back to work early Monday morning.

Monday, got to work tired. Met the lovely subslutdiva for coffee and donut at lunch and for a lovely two hour chat. Quieter evening but so tired.

Tuesday, diva invited me out to meet the husband of a mutual friend. He works locally and stays in lodgings all week so gets bored and lonely, so drove over to her's and we went and met him in the pub. Ended up getting home gone 1am.

Wednesday decide to have a catch up on sleep night... Get called out by work at 2am, so after finishing work catch up on the phone with MzA.

Thursday, work, catch up stuff, catch up with friends, organise stuff for the weekend, setup a website for a friend.

Friday, today... stuck on the wrong train before shooting off to Wales again tonight. Won't be back home til Monday morning, when another week starts...

Putting it that way its not surprising I keep feeling too tired to blog!!!

Soooo stupid

2007-10-07T12:59:00.001+01:00

OK so I did the unbelievably stupid. I was on the station platform, hassled after a long aggravated day at work. Thinking other things, mainly of getting down to Wales tonight. My phone rang, it was work, had a conversation with someone while trying to be helpful when not really wanting to talk to them, and the train turned up. It just wasn't my train... it was the previous one about 10mins late so turning up when mine was due, I glanced at the boards, misread it and got on whilst still talking. Of course with my luck its the train that goes straight through to Taunton and doesn't stop anywhere for an hour and 10mins! So buggerit, I am not likely to be home for another four hours. Still, this is the first time I have done this in five and a half years... I guess thats good, right?

Posting

2007-10-07T12:55:00.000+01:00

The next set of posts were all written on the train on Friday, but I wasn't around to post til now! So no, they weren't written in five minutes!

Hurt

2007-09-28T18:20:00.000+01:00

I hurt inside today. I really hurt. So another train journey into work, another blog to clear my mind. Yes, I must sound like a real whiner as the only time I write at the moment is when something goes wrong. It helps me though so I am not going to apologise for it too much. It lets my thoughts come out and in a way vents some of the pent up frustration, anger, sadness that is otherwise directed inwards.

I had an email last night from a friend. The content, asking how I was. Innocuous. The subject line though felt like an attack. I was instantly defensive. So... I replied asking about it. The reply was clear, passionate, devestating and I have trouble arguing with it. It comes down to the sort of friend I am, and its something I don't score highly at. A statement from a friend that they had tried everything to keep being my friend but that I gave nothing back. That I had vanished. Gone quiet. Wasn't trying. That they had pushed and pushed and pushed to keep it alive but couldn't anymore. They had even stopped crying over it now.

I can't quite describe how I feel at the moment. Useless is a good word. I keep looking back at the past, how I have no long term friends from childhood, school, work. I can't use the excuse of my bad marriage, I am just pretty hopeless at making and keeping friends. I have been told before I seem to have a habit of seeking out new people all the time and pushing others away. I have been told I latch onto people, get deeply involved, that I always seem to want new and don't care about the old. Maybe it's true, maybe I am just an attention whore. I don't know. I look at my relationships, past and present and I hate how I am. I feel so shallow. So selfish. Do I just keep wanting more and more attention? To talk about me and my problems? I think about conversations I have and they seem so trivial. Flirting, horniness, then talking about emotions and feelings and how people are. So so very shallow. Do I never build real foundations? Am I never really a friend? Do I leave a string of hurt people behind me that really genuinely liked me (I don't doubt their sincerity) but get left behind when I freak, close off, or hunt for something new? How can I keep doing this to people I say I care for? What sort of person does that make me? Is that why I am a people pleaser and not a submissive at all?

Please don't try and tell me what a good friend I am, at the moment it just makes it worse as I come up with the "if only you knew what I was really like" voice inside my head.

I know, my posts normally come with some happy turn up at the end where I reveal going through it has made me more determined, but right now, I doubt my ability to give anything of value, so sorry. Out of luck.

First SWAMP

2007-09-21T09:09:00.001+01:00

One thing about being angry is there is an excess of energy. That sloshes around and looks for somewhere to go out, and since I won't let it be aimed at others I need to find other outlets. Lots of hard hot frantic sex would be kind of nice at the moment, but since I am on the train I don't think thats going to happen. Well. None of the people around me look like likely candidates so time to find another plan. Writing is the other last great outlet. Not quite as sweaty and frantic as the sex, but still quite as exhausting in the end.

Because of the mood I am in, and the edge of darkness there, that pit of self-loathing, of ridicule of myself, of hopelessness, of feeling like I just pester people... it's easy to identify with other dark times. Times which are hard to write about if you aren't in the moment. Afterwards you heal, move on, can't remember how you could possibly have felt like that. So this is as good a time as any to write of it. I know in the process of doing so this feeling will burn through me, like a fire cleansing and wiping clean the current keen pain. We are funny old things.

A few weekends ago a good friend of mine (kblsb on Alt) and I went off to Bristol to attend SWAMP. The South West Alternative Market Place. It's a small fetish fair and after party held at a club. We thought it would be good to meet up as it was conveniently in the middle of both of us, was a small venue and a good place to start as a "first" for both of us. It was her first time at any sort of fetish/kink gathering. My first time to one in the UK and without the accompanient of experienced kinksters. It was pretty nerve wracking and I think she was really brave in agreeing to go with me. We both agreed at the very least we could have a nice dinner and some company if we hated the place.

Our stress levels were raised by the fact it was a half marathon in Bristol so half the roads we wanted to get to were closed. With much aide from my sat-nav (Jane, I love you, I will never cheat on you) we eventually found a place. Someone was smiling on us... We stopped to get our bearings just after the club and someone pulled out and left us a parking space. Fortune smiles on the righteous, or at least on those with very cute tails. So with this stress built up we went for a walk and a coffee and a chat and eventually made our way back and sneaked through the doorway of the club. I have to say they were pretty friendly at the entrance, saying welcome and hope we enjoyed ourselves. Once inside it was a little harder. There was a a fair percentage dressed up and that didn't bother me a bit, having seen it at Thunder it actually felt nice to be around the denizens again. I think I've always felt more at home around alternative dressers since my love of goth back at University. No matter how *I* may be dressed, I still feel more part of it seeing others be so free... Why was it harder? I guess being around a group of people that seem to know what they are doing, when you don't. I know Kay felt a little out of place to begin with. She was wearing flipflops as they are the most comfortable things to wear for her if she is standing for anytime and she felt she was sneered at by one or two. After the initial "ok we got here, what now" we started browsing round the small collection of vendors, and that got us giggling a lot more. Yes, we are both shopping sluts. Well I am, and I am claiming she is too as its a good excuse. I of course went for the pretty things whereas she liked the looks of the things you hit people with. I swear there is something about me that makes people think my skin colour is wrong and should be much redder...

I saw someone from the Oxford munch so I said "hi". They didn't recognise me, I didn't think they did, but I didn't want to let the opportunity pass. So just a quick "hi", and a quick hi to someone else that it was their first time (must remember to look them up on Alt). We had decided by then we were going to stay to the after party and that I wanted to dress pretty so we went back to the car to get our stuff, came back, paid the extra and then snuck to the loo's to change. It felt good, it felt really good. I had my red/black tartan pleated tartan mini, a black fitted top, fishnets (pvc tops!) and heeled booties. Despite the fact the heels kill me eventually its a very comfortable look and brings out a brattier, sassier, cheekier side of me. Flirty and flouncy. So we went shopping, bought a few nice things and flirted and flounced. I saw another 3 people from the Oxford munch (who didn't remember me either, lol) but said "hi" anyway as maybe next time they will! (I only went twice to the mid-week and I was very quiet, so I am not surprised). One of them, Angie, was completely lovely and fun to be around and I know made Kay feel very relaxed. I was being cheeky, Kay was doing "look what I have to put up with". Angie wanted to know what happened at the top of the stockings so I flashed the PVC bands and got a lovely swat with her crop on both cheeks *purrr*. Yes. I am a tart. I hope kblsb didn't feel put out that I "kinda" knew a couple of people there, it was very hard just to go upto them knowing they wouldn't remember me. I wanted her to meet people though, I don't find it easy in groups and I knew as soon as she settled she would start becoming bouncier and more confident. We also met the house Mistress, Anita, a completely lovely Lady, in one of the jaunts outside for Kay to smoke.

It was on one of those jaunts and chats that Kay mentioned she really liked the look of the violet wands and something she wanted to see more of in the future. It had been really busy by that stall so we hadn't pushed in. Anita grabbed a guy outside too, who happened to be one of the owners of that stall and said we wanted a demo, so we meekly followed in. He started off by showing us it lightly, first on her, then on me, turning up the levels a little. I am jumpy. I am squirmy. I am basically a showoff somewhere inside and wriggle like hell at the least provocation. So I wriggled, squirmed, jumped and got called a wuss. This was cue then to stop trying it on her and demonstrate all the attachments on me. Lots of attachments. We must have been there 20mins. Ozone attachments. Ear attachments. Comb attachments. One up my nose which made my eyes water for about 5 mins (but cleared my sinuses!). The lovely effect of it on my shoulder and then him holding Kay's hand, and her running a pinwheel up and down my arm so I got the pricks through that. *purrrr* that was lovely, as it was on the back of my neck. I am not QUITE so enamoured at the shock I got on my cock head through my skirt *humph* but then again, I didn't exactly complain, just jumped a mile and a half. It was also pretty eeky on my nipples. Probably not helped that he had to feel around on my top both sides to find them, so they may have been a bit happy in the first place. Being groped by a vendor in a strange dungeon so he can electrocute your nipples. What's not to love ;-).

That was fun, and we giggled a lot over that and I think they are amazing toys. Something I never thought I would let get near me but I thought was great. Totally different than I expected.

I don't know now if I was cocky, stupid, a little high, a combination of above or if I was just quite justified but... after the first time we had gone for a cigarette in "normal" clothes, we had gone outside as we were. Kay in smart black, me in my... fishnets and miniskirt. The club is on a quiet backstreet of Bristol, not many people wandering past. My memory of this is pretty vague now as it's kind of twisted against me, but I am sure I remember thinking at the time that there were several people (especially women) in rather exotic outfits so i didn't feel particularly out of place. I also felt very much that it was me and I was around like-minded people so after the first "what am I doing" I didn't think twice about standing outside with others. I even had a nice discussion regarding boots and high soled trainers with a lady... There was a bit of a heart stopping moment when a police car drove past, got to the end of the road and drove back again really slowly looking at us all. At first it was an "oh god" moment, before someone mentioned that Bristol street's are dry so they were checking that we were just drinking tea and soft drinks outside.

That was all very well and good and to be honest I had stopped thinking about it much. If couples or people walked past the other side of the street, they gave us a look, a second glance and that was it. Maybe a whispered comment between themselves, but nothing more. It was a fair way into the afternoon when a bunch of teenagers went past and a very obnoxious boy basically wet himself laughing pointing and screeching at me. The girls joined in, cat-calling and shouting things. I don’t really remember much of what was said to be honest. I just went cold, hard, scared. Someone 10 foot in front of you shouting and over-exaggeratedly laughing. The people with me were wonderful. They shouted out to Kay about her being a “real woman”, one of the other ladies retorted that I was more of a real man than they would ever be… that was really sweet. Others came out of the club, including the House Mistress Anita and she gave them a good dose of their own medicine, following after them, asking to see what they had then. When the boy went to go into a door way to unbuckle his jeans she jeered back saying no, she wanted to see it in plain sight just as we were… The kids went off heckling, as kids do. I was shaken, I just remember crossing my arms tight across my chest. They asked if I wanted to go in, but no, I wanted to stay out while we talked and finished our drinks. I didn’t want to be driven away. I didn’t want to give in to them. I was quiet though, listened to the others, I really did appreciate the solidarity and it made me feel part of something special. About five minutes later, two car’s screeched past. The kids again. They threw coffee at us out of their open windows. The poor guy in front of me was drenched. I was at the back so just got it down my leg, several others also hit. That shook me. I have been kind of used to kids heckling me through life. I am skinny, geeky, suffer with acne. So at school, walking home from work… you get it a lot. I can’t say I can smile and ignore it but you go cold and hard inside and let it slide over you. The wanton maliciousness of that though, it threw me badly. I didn’t really know how to deal with it. When we went back inside I just sat with Kay and held her. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be me. I just let her hold me. I have to thank her for being there, for not trying to cheer me up but letting me have space just to hurt. It was totally the right thing to do. After that I just couldn’t feel comfortable again, it wasn’t the place or what was going on, it was just being around people and around a group. It was that horrible feeling then of being in a place where everyone knows what to say, what to do, how to be with each other and you just feel disjointed and different. So I ended up following Kay around like a lost puppy so I wasn’t on my own. We stayed for the party, stayed quite late in fact. We just watched, chatted a little, enjoyed the atmosphere and that the things happening didn’t seem strange or alien to us, before finally saying goodbye and leaving. I know Kay made a big hit with them and got invited to munches and even a birthday party! I kind of felt like a hanger-on in the end. It reminded me of when I used to hide behind my ex-wife all the time. It wasn’t her fault, or anything she did, but I just couldn’t get past how I felt.

In hindsight going outside was pretty dumb. I know others were dressed exotically and even provocatively, but that’s not the same as I was… Maybe it was unfair on people walking passed on a Sunday minding their own business to have MY kink thrown in their faces. I don’t think I was doing any harm though… How many stag-do’s have cross-dressed drunks staggering across the street? How much more in your face is that? A private party with fancy dress attire… I hope I wasn’t pushing how I was in the face of those that didn’t consent to seeing it. When a family walked passed I deliberately stepped in the doorway so they wouldn’t face awkward questions from their kid. I didn’t intend it as a radical protest… I was just happy and happy being with the people I was with, and comfortable in my own skin. It may have been asking for trouble though, no matter how quiet the back street... or how others with me were dressed.

There is a feeling lingering behind though. I feel almost split-brained at times. I keep imagining myself as they saw me. Skinny, gawky, dressed in a skirt and stockings. I see myself as they would have seen me and I hate what I see. It looks stupid, it turns my stomach. It makes me go cold and spiteful against myself and hate that part of me. At other times, I remember how I felt and how it was just to be free and I know its part of me. Having both in my head at the same time is to say the least confusing.

Yesterday (as it was yesterday now, this has taken so long to write) at work I was in a meeting and a very simple comment about us adhering to our standards and not their preferences produced unneeded venom from the other team. It sparked it all off again, and I reacted angrily but kept it from getting out. I guess there are still things I need to deal with in how I react to things, especially it coming back to how my ex treated me and how I respond to conflict and how it affects how I see myself.

p.s. i am ok now :) That just took a long long time to write.

Venom

2007-09-19T22:07:00.000+01:00

I hate losing my temper at work. Well. Not losing it. I have never lost at work. I internalise it to stop it from exploding out on people. But I hate that. I hate how it leaves me feeling. I hate how it backlashes inside as I push it in so I start tearing myself to shreds rather than lashing out. I hate that people at work can push me into such a corner with a bad meeting.

I am doing that at the moment. Well trying not to do it in fact. Fighting with it. Trying not to hurt myself and finding it hard. The barbs against myself come so easily. The wounds inside open up so easily, old scars asking to be picked, so many words come easily into my mind to dig in with a vitriol and venom I would never use on someone else.

I am not going to do it. I won't... I won't.. I won't do it to them, so why should I do it to me?

Annoyed of Didcot

2007-09-19T22:06:00.001+01:00

One thing that does bug me is bad customer service. Maybe its because I am so service-driven myself that it niggles me to see it done so badly. Maybe because we are so rushed nowadays that anything which doesn't happen as its supposed to eats up a big chunk of available time. Maybe because its just plain rude.

Sky were booked to come on Monday to install Sky+. This is a TiVo like satellite service that lets you pause/rewind/record two programmes at once to an internal HD on the satellite receiver. We've had Sky for ages as we don't have a terrestrial ariel, but Sky have just dropped their monthly fee for Sky+ so its just the cost of the upgrade now. I thought what the hell... I know when I first get home from work I tend to veg and watch a little TV to relax, not much... maybe an hour. Because of the time of day it is always endless repeats of Stargate, so if I am going to do that I might as well actually watch something interesting. I tend to miss all the good documentaries, new SF series, etc, as I go to bed pretty early. Ish. Or I forget. Or I have the boy. Of course I will probably still end up watching endless repeats of Stargate, but its a good theory. The boy and I do like a lot of the "how things work" and mechanical series you get on the discovery channels, so it would be nice to sit and cuddle up and see some of those with him if they were recorded.

The installers are supposed to ring by 9am, so I was working from home. They would then confirm a time. Nothing heard. So I rang the call centre. Once I stopped puddling (it's a Scottish call centre *purrrr*) they said they would call the branch and let me know. Nothing. So I called back and they left me on the phone (puddling) while they called then and there. The installer was off sick, they hadn't got round to calling customers to let them know yet. I was pretty mad. If they had called first thing I could have gone into work. It would have just been a simple courtesy... So now I've told them to be there at 9am Friday as I am out after that. The scottish lass at the call centre was nice, said she was working Thurs night and would ring and confirm. That was nice of her, I know she hasn't any power over what they do. Do I think they will be there? Hmmmm not really, but then at least I get to call the call centre again *grin*.

Writers block...

2007-09-16T10:25:00.001+01:00

Have you ever really wanted to write but just not been able to? Like, when you sit down at a blank screen (or paper) or even start to think about doing so, your mind just shrinks back from the thought and all those things you want to say seem impossible to start? I don't mean that there is nothing to say, I mean that there is so much going on that you don't know where to begin, that you can't get a handle on things or get things coherent enough to start letting it dribble out so it all backs up inside. Then there is more and more and it gets harder to find the place to begin.

I think that's kind of where I've been the last few weeks. A dozen things happened, where do I start, which do I start with, how do I write about them coherently, passionately, informatively without making it seem like dry lists of I did this...

Writing my blog is incredibly therapeutic for me at times. At times its just bloody frustrating!!

Holidays

2007-08-25T09:32:00.001+01:00

Yes, I know I am always on holiday... but this time its a week away in the lake district with my boy. My scottish friend and her beagle were supposed to meet us there (hence the location) but the dog's not been well and she's been asked to start her next student nurse placement early and its where she eventually wants a job so couldn't really say no.

So, it's going to be a lovely quiet week just me and my boy and will probably do us the world of good.

Be back soon!

It's that time f year...

2007-08-25T09:26:00.000+01:00

The trains are full to standing in the morning of strange people with brand new rucksacks and tents slung over their backs, with even more cans of cheap lager hanging from their belts.

You can't walk around in Reading without being surrounded by swarms of people going in the opposite direction. Herds of them. Swarming back and forth en-mass.

There are posh accents everywhere... and its not safe to look at girls as if you think they are cute you can almost guarantee they are far far far younger than they look.

It must be time for the Reading Festival again! All I can say is I am glad I won't be here when they try and go back all muddy...

Thunder (day one)

2007-08-22T19:34:00.000+01:00

Our other friends were coming into Denver on the Friday. One by choice as she was driving, the other because she was at the mercy of American Airlines and her flights got screwed up. We picked up Ms Silvie from the airport and she was understandably tired from being stuck overnight in the middle of the country, so we went back to the house for her to shower and rest before we went to register for Thunder. starflower called from the hotel and we said we'd meet her later. I know this put her on a backfoot as she was waiting for us and we could not be definite about anything, but we were just playing it by ear by then as things hadnt turned out as plan. In a way it made it easier for me as I had started to get used to Ms Silvie being around one change in the group at a time. She is a lovely lady, as generous as her friend. I didn't know her as well so was a little nervous to begin with but I feel really lucky to know her now and glad to count her as my friend and not just as Jolie's friend. She bought me a pressie! (heh i am easy see, cheap too), a bunch of fridge magnets depicting a cartoon puppy humping various things. Humpy puppy suited me for some reason :P. It made me laugh so hard. It was very precious and is up on my fridge at home now.

Then, at the hotel... I registered for the convention. That was an awesome moment. I mean there, little me, in the USA and registering for my first kink convention. Heh i mean i have a badge and everything! People wandering round with tags on them saying Sir this and slave that, just so cool. Some interesting approaches to "normal dress code" in the public areas too heh... but so warm and welcoming and it just felt right to be there. A friend had left her room number on my registration pack too and that felt really nice, I mean I had just got there and another friend was trying to get in touch with me!

We met with starflower on the staircase and that was another ingrained in my head awesome moment. She was just as I had imagined her and we just kept smiling at each other and holding hands and giggling. It was nuts, but so great. She is a good friend of mine despite ups and downs we have had and I love her dearly. Getting to meet her and give her a hug finished off the trip to Thunder and made it so worthwhile. Only starflower and I were staying at the hotel so we went off to checkin, bounced on the beds (well she did) and hugged lots and established the natural order of our submissiveness. She is a slave so naturally she put me in an arm lock to point out that puppys will puddle even to slaves, heh. I know I freaked her as just as we were getting into the lift I saw my other old friend and lept out with a strangled comment.

I've known pandora for a few years and she was kind enough to have put her room number like that... but I just saw her, stared sure it was her and caught sight of the name badge just as the doors were shutting. That was kind of a hard meeting. I could see in her eyes it was painful for her. She has had a thing for me for some time and while there is definitely... heat... between us, from my side she is just a friend (yes, I see the irony in this based on my previous post). So we say hi sometimes, because its about all we can do because otherwise words dry up and we just get both left feeling awkward. I had to say hi to her then though, as soon as I saw her.. otherwise I might have been too scared.

After that I was a bit shaken up and star and i got back to getting to know each other properly before we went out for dinner. That dinner was funny as hell, though intimidating. All three of those knew each other real life before so I was seeing how I fitted into the group. I deliberately went with star too and from the restaurant and that made it feel easier and less that I was putting them out. It was also so good to steal the time with her. Dinner was entertaining and I mostly listened as those three are just far too quick for me. I also know I went bright red or looked away everytime star looked at me out the corner of her eye. I am too easy sometimes! The two other ladies went back to the house to change and settle while star and I went back to the room to talk more and cuddle up. I don't really like talking about "experiences" except in generalities, I mean they are pretty private, intense, personal, intimate things. For me it's very much about the connection I am making with the person I am with rather than the act (something again I really discovered over the time out there). Yes, somethings are very nice and yummy feeling, somethings are wow sexual and hot, but compared to how it brings you close to someone? Doesn't come near it in the long run. Those are tools, channels, conduits to join two people together. For me anyway :). But, back to the story. It stands out as one of several intense, deep experiences that when I doubt "am I submissive?" I can go back to and think... god yes. Such a simple thing. She just touched me. My face. My neck. My hair. Just fingertouches. Nothing hard. A stroke on the back of my neck, a finger on my cheek. Moving my face. I was so lost in the touches, how it made me feel, how it made my mind go blank, how it made me want to please her... I would have found it hard to say "no" to anything she had asked while she was touching me like that. I would have tried to do it just so she didn't stop touching and so she was pleased. Such a very very simple thing. No toys. No sexual touching. Few words... But I was so lost. It was beautiful. I didn't want it to stop.

Stop it had to though as we had to shower and get dressed for the evening dungeon! So reluctantly we stopped, with deep sighs from me... and got ready. star helped me retie my corset as it was laced awkwardly and then tighten it a little, then Jolie and MsSilvie arrived and helped me tighten it to the "ooomph" stage. So, burgundy corset, burgandy laced thong and beautiful silver brown coyote tail. Oh and fishnets. Heh, don't forget the fishnets. The final piece was putting on my collar with Jolie's little gold tag on it. I felt so proud. Proud and humble. Do you know how humbling it is to know you represent someone else and what you do reflects on them? It felt like an awesome responsibility. One I was proud to have asked for and been allowed to have, but still... such a responsibility... and I felt so safe. Nothing bad could happen to me.

The Ladies were so kind as to warm my bum up and pink it a bit before we headed down to the dungeon. That was giggly yummy fun, then the moment of truth and my trip to my very first dungeon. Due to their rules leashes were not allowed in public spaces (though collars were.. and some ummm fairly interesting outfits... but not leashes), so it wasn't until we got to outside the dungeon could my leash be attached. When it clicked on, something little clicked in my brain... even more so than it had been. I just felt quite, calm, peaceful, content and responsive. Nothing really could bother me, nothing could halm me, I was safe and wanted and kept. All I had to do was follow her and nothing else mattered. We wandered into the dungeon and I let the sounds, sights, heat, cries, music, whimpers, and conversation wash over me. So much to take in. Lots of impact play. People naked or semi-naked attached to crosses and posts. Tables with people spread over them. A woman being fisted and screaming in agony and ecstacy. A detailed medical scene, leading to a catherisation... calm and collected amongst the more frenetic activity. The sting of a single tail whistling through the air. The thud, thud, thud of floggers. The cries of subs being pushed and loving it. The whispering of a woman to her lover as she ran a knife over her chest, twisting the point just enough to prick. The intricate setting up of a suspension scene. Two beautiful beautiful ladies walking en point while dressed in perfectly smooth latex, the agony they must have been in but the grace and composure. A fire-cupping scene. All so wonderful to watch. Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to fear. Nothing to hide from. It just felt very natural, very right, very perfect. I don't think anything really registered fully, it was just more tasting it. Jolie kept asking if there was anything I wanted to see particularly but it was all so new I couldn't pick out one thing. It was enough just to taste it all, to drink it in. We wandered around, the pair of us. I instinctively fell in step behind her. Just off her shoulder to one side, a pace behind. We didn't agree it. We didn't discuss it. It was just where I should be. Following around behind her as she moved around, side-stepping play spaces or other people walking. Keeping close, behind where i belonged. My hands pressed against the small of my back. Leash tugging when she wanted me to move. Mostly just the leash just hanging as I kept within her space. The corset forcing my breaths to be shallow and regular. The tail making me swish as I walked, with the fishnets almost making me prance. I belonged there and I had come home. It wasn't scary. It wasn't odd. It wasn't extreme. It may not have been my think being so much physical play and with me being so often more gentle, sensual things... but it was still home. Normal people enjoying themselves in ways that people label kinky.

I struggled a little when it came to us stopping and regrouping with the rest of our friends. Since we hadn't discussed it I didn't really know what was expected of me, so went for a chair but was then "encouraged" to the floor. Little things of learning what someone expects of you, but once you've learnt.... you just follow. So I sat at their feet, just watching a very intense scene before us while they chattered above my head. Watching, kneeled at their feet back arched and tall. Hands caressing my hair, stroking my neck. Purring silently inside as it was too much to take in to make noise. Then the blows... strikes from above against my chest and shoulders with the silk fan she had. The hard wood edges striking my chest. It may not have felt much to them hitting but to me... to me those hurt... those hurt and then hands and mouth kissing those spots, soothing it before starting again. I loved it. I loved it so much. I loved it hurt because what the hurt would bring... the caresses, the gentle words, the murmur of delight. The comments how I was stretching out my thong. That people were watching me or smiling as they went past. I never noticed if anyone was... I just watched the scene in front of me... when I wasn't arching my head back. It hurt... it felt good. That combination of sensations. Did I love the caresses and hate the blows? Did I love that one led to the other? Did I love that they loved doing this to me? Do I know? Do I care... Sensation.

After the dungeon we went back to the room and cuddled up, giggled lots. Giggled hysterically in fact while starflower gave MsSilvie a massage and then MsSilvie reciprocated with a flogging. While that went on we just giggled and whispered and whispered and giggled. It was.. to quote starflower's favourite word, awesome ;-).

And that.. was day one...

Colorado

2007-08-22T19:30:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting on the train going to visit a friend and thats the perfect opportunity to catch up on some blogs. I haven't deliberately avoided writing about my trip to the USA, it just didn't feel right yet. There is a lot going on in my head, a lot of changes, a lot of new experiences, a lot of changing situations and sometimes they need time to settle before they come out.

As a recap, I went off to the USA to meet a bunch of friends from online, both from ALT and from bondage.com (heh I can say both now as Various owns them...). Its not the first time I've met people from online, I went to SF with my wife about 12 years ago but that was rather different as i knew them from a disney chat channel... not QUITE the same as meeting people from here. Alone. I had taken as many precautions as you can, and it was all a calculated risk.

So i toddled off to the USA, all excited and not really at all nervous. That was nice! Very different for me. It was a long journey. 8hrs to Newark. 3hrs stopover, 4 1/2 hrs to Denver. First laugh when I got there, my luggage didn't. So I had my laptop and the clothes I was in. Not a biggie, I was actually more worried about the special items in my luggage... bespoke leather corset, leather thong, coyote tail... Heh I am very attached to those items! Not things I wanted to lose! These things happen though and they thought they just hadn't been reloaded at Newark, so should be in the next day. There is no point getting too mad at them... Its not the people at the desk that have lost it. So I toddled out, knew I was a bit late... so called Jolie the friend meeting me and we did that ridiculous talking each other in to land thing people do trying to find each other in a public space, til you see the person talking to you on the phone and carry on talking via it anyway. It was pretty amazing to see her. To hug her for the first time. Scary for us both I am sure, and she kept telling me how honoured she was someone would come that far to see her. Hell, I was so honoured someone would offer such hospitality and their home. Just goes to show doesn't it? So we hugged being so honoured at each other and then after explaining no... i wasnt travelling this lightly intentionally we drove home.

That was nice. Conversation flowed. I was pretty wired from being tired, and it was just a joy to listen to her talk. See the manerisms as she said things. The different way she talked in person, how her accent and country background came out more. It was the way it added depth to what she said, if she smiled, moved her hands, added really wonderful funny countryisms. It just felt so right from the first moment. We got to her house. Brought in the little stuff I had. Had a drink, and did the dance. You know the dance? The dance where two people explore their comfort levels, how relaxed to be, how formal, how much to take as unwritten, how much to be a "host". I think we did that dance on and off at times for the next day or two, but it wasn't a bad thing, it was kind of fun. I felt comfortable from the start. I felt like I was home from the start. Jolie is a real Lady and hospitality is in her blood. Her generosity staggered me and she very much blessed me with all she had. The sum of her richness is very much more than just adding up her possessions and lifestyle.

With my memory, exact details of when and what are hard, heh. We did end up with a running joke between us that everytime we planned something the night before, we never actually ended up doing it the next day - we didn't have to, cos we had planned it. I think this happened all days except one, heh. That was nice though... we had settled into ohana, family by then. So, just some vague ramblings now til we get to Thunder.

We went shopping the next day for a few essentials... like food. She had left grocery shopping til I got there so she could adapt to my tastes (again - just how lovely a thought?). I enjoyed that immensely. It's silly. I like America. I like the wide choice of foods in the stores and the selection. I know its a chore for most people and for her, but we had fun. It also let me be the start of really being me... wandering off trying to find things for her, getting sent on errands. I think it was the start of her beginning to realise that me doing things for someone I care about is never a chore or a bind, its a pleasure. The simple little practical things that make things a bit easier. So we shopped and we picked up some jeans and socks so I had something to wear and picked up a really cute red tartan pleated mini-skirt for me for Thunder. That was nice... someone actually stopping me stop myself from doing things! Yes a convoluted sentence but sometimes it can be hard to say "hey i like this" and that was the start of many things I started to learn to enjoy properly. It was also part one of the glass bottle disaster zone... with a bottle of vinegar dropping out the kart and exploding very dramatically in the middle of Wal-Mart...

Later... (again can you spot the pattern of generosity here) her sister had given her a bunch of clothes to give to me if they fitted. So I tried them on and a very giggly time we had. It was... silly... lovely... funny... warm and beautiful. It's the first time I think I've tried on feminine clothing actually with someone and it was a little nerve wracking at first but after the first thing... getting a comment from someone there in the room with you, being able to read their expressions, the tone of the voice, them not reacting from a photo. She said I changed. My stance changed, my walk, how I carried myself. I relaxed into me. She understands for me it's not about trying to appear feminine, or female... I am still definitely masculine but... Thats for another blog :)

This opened my eyes to one of the many valuable lessons of the trip. I know this wasn't her kink or her thing, but she loved it. She loved it because I loved it. She loved sharing my joy and being part of it. Feeding off each other's happiness like this became a theme for the trip. I've always loved the expression "your kink isn't my kink but its good". I think I have a new one "what gives you pleasure may not give me pleasure, but it gives us pleasure".

The Monday my luggage turned up (yaaay tail), and we had to return the skirt as it was too big (well I don't know USA sizes do I?). We had a few things to do, so we went back into town and started off with a pedicure. This is the first time I've had one and once I got over the bright red face of asking for one it was bliss. It's wasted on women ;-). I had mine first with Jolie watching me... then came the point where the girl asked if I wanted a clear coating or just left bare and I handed over the bottle of metallic burgandy OPI polish that I had selected. OK so I admit it, I love that squirmy embarrasing moment when you are half doing something because someone has suggested it, pushed you forward, and half because you have to admit somewhere deep inside you want this and they've opened up the possibility. It's incredibly freeing. I was pretty pleased with my toes afterwards and had sandals on so I knew I was going to be showing them off for the rest of the day. I liked this... it felt very me, and I am very grateful for the gentle ways she opened me up to be more "me". So very gracious. Anyway, Jolie started her pedicure with more of a bang by dropping her polish in the pedicure bowl, snapping it and spilling bright red polish everywhere. Poor girl working there spent 30mins cleaning it, so I went to change my skirt. That was a fantasically liberating feeling too. Wandering round knowing I felt pretty with my toes sparkling away and not caring. I picked up a smaller skirt and having learnt my lesson I went to try it on in the changing room. It was still too big so I went off and chose another one and finally found one that looked snug and felt good. Another first. First time trying on something like that in a store. I really didn't care... I was happy, they were getting their money's worth, so who else gets a say in it?

That kind of set the tone for the day then, heh, neither of us are much for shopping but it was just such FUN. I was very giggling and bouncey so we went off to accessorise thinking this could make a good outfit for Thunder. I'd already picked up a fitting black female polo top the day before and it made a nice "preppy school girl" look. To cut a long story short, we ended up in payless shoe source and I picked up a very lovely pair of 3inch heeled booties which just SO went with it they were crying out. I was struggling but Jolie spotted them and she has impeccable taste in clothing for me. We had several serious chats about colours and styles and what worked for me and didn't, and what also worked in different ways (fetish slut is very different than casual comfort and can be a lot more extreme and deliberately not quite right). So I toddled round in these shoes in the store and as I lit up that kind of decided it. Heh a heavy investment (both in weight and money!) but so worth it. They felt good and having a half inch platform, I could actually walk and swish my hips ;-). Our final stop was another discount store and we were in there forever. Finally ended up with my choices of a denim mini-skirt, denim shorts (heh "short shorts") and a white linen top that matched both. By then I just went and tried them on because why not? We had a great day in such an unexpected way just because we flowed with it. I was also nominated as glass carrier for the rest of the week as Jolie couldn't be allowed near anything breakable...

Thats just one example of how easy we settled into things. One of many examples. I enjoyed the simple things. Just driving and the way we would both reach out and squeeze a hand as friends. So much more than words. I am a tactile person and I starve without it. I drank deeply for that week.

I am not saying it was all roses. God no. There were some very hard times. One of the things we had setup was one of her friends is a really good photographer and so I was going to pose for him. I had never realised this was such hard work. I do enjoy posing and being told how to pose for photos, even though I still go "ick" when I see myself sometimes, especially as my acne was playing up bad. She explained to him in the end I'd get the biggest kick out of this if he just did what he wanted rather than trying to make it what I wanted. So we did it, and it was hard work in the extreme. It was 8 at night... so late for me with the time difference. 80 degrees. Nerve wracking, and I did a slow striptease. Slow as in an hour and a half before I got down to thong. Kneeling on a rattan chair... rolling over, holding legs up high. It's exhausting! My admiration for models has gone through the roof. We also kept ending up in fits of giggles! Jolie normally made a comment that started it and then we ended up all falling apart giggling. I am so grateful for her understanding of me though. I think originally she felt it best if she left me to it, but I asked her (which was hard) to stay there as it kept me calm and she graciously did. It really made the world of difference. So, exhausted, hot, nervous... could I get an erection when it got to the naked bit? Could I hell... heh... I can't even blame pills this time. It just wasn't going to happen.

After we'd finished and I'd seen the preview of the photos I just sat quietly with her. Explained I was good but needed time to process everything that had happened, as it was a first for me, and had been hard. I was pleased I had done it, it was letting out another part of me, but I needed time to settle. One of the signs of a good person, not just a good dominant, is them respecting you just need time and there is nothing to fix or worry about. By the next morning I was happy as anything, sometimes just a little space is all you need :). The next day I was really happy about it and so proud of what we'd done together.

Unfortantely I did get poorly. When I relax colds tend to come out, and it did by midweek and I got sent to bed. I did try to argue but ummm sometimes people tell you things for your own good and you listen. I've never seen the "don't argue with me" side of her before, but after that... I won't ever doubt its there again. She told me to get to bed and I got. She was also very right as I had a fever, but it broke and next morning was one of the most blessed of my life. Housework. Helping out and doing things together round the house. Silly isn't it? But so wonderful. I really felt like I was in my right place, being as much me as I could be. Like I was naked and without a care in the world except what I was doing for someone I cared for. Being able to serve a friend, a cared one is a great privilage and something I will not forget. Making her feel cared for, cherished. It was beautiful for me, and I like to think I opened her eyes a little more to just how it can feel to be served by someone that isn't doing it for praise, for show, for look at me, for correction or discipline, but just because they can and because they want to.

One night I had real tears. Real deep harsh tears. We had been to Estes park... been to see the Stanley Hotel (where Stephen King wrote The Shining) and then were talking on the way home. Something came up, as much a misunderstanding as anything. It caught an old wound I hadn't realised was there and tore it wide open. I cried. I sobbed. I cried my eyes out. It's the first time I can remember crying in front of another person in years. It was something I didn't think I knew how to do anymore, but I did and there was nothing I could do. We spent some time apart that evening, not saying much... til much later we cuddled and just chatted. We went back to the things we did know about each other, did like, did love... and stopped dwelling on the things that weren't. Its so easy to lose what you have just thinking of what you don't have. At that moment I had dreaded going to Thunder, I so didn't feel like it... But I knew after we were better, stronger friends for getting through the hard times and I knew I was ready.

I also knew I had been right to ask her for her tag on my collar for Thunder. To honour her, to show her what she meant to me, to feel safe and protected.

That brings us to Thunder, which I think is another post...

Bloody cycl...

2007-08-22T19:24:00.001+01:00

Fuck! I just almost got run over by a cyclist that didn't stop when the traffic lights at the pedestrian crossing turned red! Since when did NO traffic rules apply to cyclists???

Love

2007-08-18T09:14:00.001+01:00

Sometimes it can be pretty hard to be in-love with someone that "just" loves you back.

"Just"

"Just"

"Just"

thats such a bad way of thnking about it. They don't "just" love you. It's not a diminutive thing. They love you with the full force that their heart, mind, soul and body can love you. It's a beautiful thing. They give you what they have to give you, just as you try to give them. It's not easy... but accepting what others have to give rather than concentrating on what they can't is so much more rewarding. It's not personal against you. We don't chose how our feelings develop, but we can take responsibility for them.

I do worry, I worry a lot. I know when I fall I fall deeply, completely, so I don't want to appear obsessive, opressive, needy, pushing someone. I am a realist, I know situations and despite annoying emotional ups and downs I do want to get the best out of situations, I do want to enjoy someone as they are, as my friend and enjoy the love they have for me, and not let other things spoil it.

I want also for them to enjoy the fact that someone can love them that way, for it to encourage them, make them feel good about themselves and the possibilities for their future. I never want it to be a burden on them. For them to have to make allowances or "handle" me.

Of course sometimes it just freaking drives my head nuts, but being honest but time makes everything easier and I know as things dredge up buried feelings, they can and will settling in their rightful place again... and I have done this before and can do it again, and its worth it. In time, slowly feelings change and soften and one day you wonder why ever you had that problem. You still have your friend though.

Of course if I stop forgetting my pill and taking it at the wrong time, that'd help too...

A pressie

2007-08-14T21:55:00.001+01:00

A lovely lady i met at Thunder was soooooooo kind she has sent me a book to open my eyes a bit to BDSM. Its the first kink book i've read, so its started to be an interesting read. It's called "The New Bottoming Book". I'm very touched by the thought, and I will pick out snippets as I read it and post them.

Closure

2007-08-14T19:46:00.000+01:00

There is another significance to the fact its been two years... Two years separation in the UK means you can file for a no-fault divorce on those grounds. Thats what we had agreed to do, to give time for the emotions to settle so it became as much of a practical thing as possible. We sold the house ages ago, bought a new one just for her. She changed her name about 3 months ago to get her maiden name back. So this is just a formality. It's closure. Yes, I am sure it's going to have an effect on us, but nothing like it would have back then.

Closure. I like that word.

Pillock

2007-08-14T17:48:00.000+01:00

I am such a pillock!

I was talking to mum on the phone, telling her and the boy about the conference and she pointed out thats the week when my landlady is here. Grrrrr. SO i am going to miss some of the time with her. Still, it will give her time to do some stuff and now that I've been reminded of this we can plan around it!

DAMN my memory is bad!

Syncronicity-ish

2007-08-14T17:47:00.001+01:00

Kind of. Maybe I am stretching the point but it feels that way.

Today is the two year anniversary of when I left my wife after her third overdose attempt. That sounds kind of callous but it wasn't something I did lightly and in the end it has proven to be the best thing for me, and her and the boy. Staying around was just make us both more dependent on the other, making excuses for how both of us were and neither of us taking any responsibility for ourselves.

Two years. Two years which have been a struggle at times. I remember at the start the crushing weight of every little decision. Everything I did had such consequences, how could you possibly know what was right to do when you just felt like curling up in a ball and hiding away? How could you do anything when you were so scared, so overwhelmed, so helpless? How could anything ever be "right" again when you'd just thrown away everything that had gone before. How could you let someone else that you loved hurt so badly and leave them to sort themselves out?

It was a horrible time. Things had to be decided. Where to live. How to live. How to deal with sharing custody of the child. How to deal with work when you just felt you were going nuts. How could you possibly deal with all the pressure? People trying to be helpful and seeing that look where you knew they didn't know what to say. People you thought would be there for you turning their back. Trying to be the one to keep your head together while everyone else lost theirs. Making sacrifices. Letting go of things that were precious to you. Hurting so badly inside. Making myself get up each morning and not really knowing why. Knowing in the end it was only work and my child that kept me from giving up. Being grateful to my parents for taking me in for the first few weeks but finding it drove me mad as you just cannot live with your parents when you have been independent, much as you love them and they love you.

You just don't know what to do. It's simple things. After being married for a long time you are just used to how things are. You have somewhere to live, utilities are all sorted out, banks are there... Then its all start from scratch again.

Going to the bank, getting credit cards cancelled, getting their name taken off the account or money moved so they can't screw you over.

Trying to find somewhere to live, deciding what you have to have, where you need to be, how you will get to work, how you will store the car, how you can get the child and where he can go to be with you.

Stupid practical things which you have no idea how to do, or where to start, or even what things need doing.

Then the emotional ones -

How to keep the situation between the two partners calm enough to progress, so you can both start to find yourself.

Trying to workout who you are after so long thinking of yourself as "her husband". Who is Alan? What is he? Is there anyone really there anymore?

Trying to learn new ways of thinking. Being responsible for yourself and your child only, and not for her.

Not letting her ways get to you anymore.

I survived because I had to. Because there was no choice as the boy needed me. It was only vaguely tolerable because i had friends that believed in me and that I could do this. I never really believed it would get better though.

The three months hell of sharing a house with another couple. Feeling like the four walls around me were my prison. I know I didn't live, I barely existed. I survived. Work, get the boy, travel, return the boy, travel, work. Over and over each week. Each day surviving by doing the things that needed doing then. Not daring to think more than the next immediate things I had to do otherwise it panicked me into paralysis.

One step at a time. Just the actions that needed doing now. So so minutely focussed. Never daring to hope there would be more than this.

Then slowly... changes. The life changing moments.

My landlady approaching me, offering me her house. Being so scared but so desperate and somehow managing to take the risk. Getting some real space for myself even if it was so lonely. Having to face that loneliness and get used to it and start to deal with it. Having to deal with the bittersweet pain of having a real friend for once in my Landlady and the hurt everytime she went away.

Taking the risk to go see my friend up in Scotland, taking my boy to meet this woman that had stood by me at the hardest time and kicked my ass and told me to look what staying in my marriage was doing to my son. Taking the risk that she wouldn't like me, that this friendship I so relied on would prove to be a fantasy. Taking the risk, finding it was different... but that real life is SO much more preferable to a fantasy.

Starting to say "No" to my ex, and refusing to make things right for her. Making her stand on her own two feet and only offering help because I wanted to... and accepting when she said "No" she didn't need it as she wanted to be independent too.

Going on a holiday with her again, just as two adults and as friends. Being with someone for a whole week and them not getting fed up with me, finding I really did love caring for her and that this was a good part of me, that I was naturally drawn to service and hey... someone could appreciate it, unlike my wife.

Accepting my Mistress's collar, starting to believe someone could want me like that, that there was worth in me. Making her proud.

Finding new friends online, on Alt, on bondage, real true friends that didn't want anything except to be around me.

Admitting I had a problem and needed first counselling and then later medical intervention in my anxiety and depression. Starting to see it made a difference. That life didn't have to be like this.

Starting to think of myself as Alan, and not her husband. Starting to do things I wanted, for myself.

Losing my Mistress... and keeping my best friend. Learning that even in a horribly painful situation if both parties truly want to find a way forward, they can. Change is painful but it can make things so much better.

Making plans to meet people from online... and going through with it. Finding some truly wonderful people were just that. Angels in my life.

When I think back to where I was in those first few days, to where I am now... I can barely believe it. It was a different life. Yes, I get bad days now, lonely days but... compared to that hell, how did I get here? I am not really sure, except it was a long bleak road and then suddenly it seemed to turn round and head up at a speed I could barely keep up.

I know the special people who stood by me at the start made all the difference. Lesley, Cat and ScarlettRose. You three will never know how much your love, determination and unshakable belief in me showed me the strength inside that only you saw. Yes, it was my strength. Yes it was my doing. Yes it came from inside me as did all the answers... but you precious three showed me it was there and kept reminding me when I doubted it.

You three helped me accept the help and love of others as they came along, til now... now if I started to list the new special ones in my life... LLG, Jolie, Tracy, Kay, Foxy, Dream, Laura, Denise, Christine, Jacqueline, Kathy... thats just off the top of my head and each one of them makes me smile in a certain way.

This has been an incredible two years. Now I have been lucky enough to meet some of you and I can't wait to meet more, or meet you again. I've opened up to people at work. Letting myself be myself, letting people like or dislike me for themselves and not taking that choice away from them by hiding away. Even admitting I am kinky to some special people at work and stopping being ashamed of my sexuality.

I've given myself permission to enjoy life again.

So where is the syncronicity in this you ask?

Because my dearest friend has just started out on this road... started out now, just as I get to this stage where I look back and go wow. Started out on the path she helped me tread. (OK so she started out a week before this anniversary but she loves to be awkward and I know she did it early to upstage me so that every year it comes to her anniversary first *sighs dramatically* some people are such party poopers ;-)).

Talking with her though, talking with her reminds me of those early, scared, black days when it all feels too much. It reminds me of how she held my hand and believed in me and I feel very humbled I can now hold her hand back.

Oh my friend... you saw such strength and possibilities in me, you wouldn't believe what I see in your future. But for now though. For today. One step at a time. One small step at a time. We will keep believing together and there is so much ahead for all of us.

Red tape

2007-08-14T17:45:00.000+01:00

Got to love working for a big company!

Six months ago if there was a vendor conference then it'd be fine, the vendor would probably arrange and pay for it.

Then we stopped being able to have hospitality so our company had to pay for things, so this made it harder as the approvals were tricky, but it was ok as the admins still booked all the travel and they were good at it.

We are now in the big company world though, so no longer can you have an admin doing admin work... we are all empowered to book our own travel through the corporate travel company online and everything is SO much easier.

Ummm this will be why we had two senior engineers today spending two hours each fighting it to find a flight to Berlin for a SUN conference.

Still, it did pass the time, and I AM going to Berlin for the two day conference in September. Now what's the chances the hotel won't be expecting us when we get there....

Busy weekends

2007-08-14T17:44:00.000+01:00

I had a lovely weekend and ended up so tired after it.

Met mum and the boy at the train station on Friday night and took them home. Heh, yes I had hidden everything and I even remembered Mum's birthday so I had flowers when I met them. I finished the laundry, made dinner and we ate while the boy demonstrated his new game... he decided he was a bingo caller and so we all had to sit down and play bingo while he chose numbers from a list. I think I was conned as Mum won both nights, so I am sure there is some favouritism going on here.

The boy also discovered the puppy soft toy I was given in the USA, with its beautiful bondage play collar. He was very taken with the puppy and spent all weekend cuddling it, I had to drag it off him when he finally left... Both Mum and he DID comment on the collar asking if it was real. I of course was honest and said yes. I just didn't enlighten them as to it being a real what.

I still think it looks cuter on me than on the soft toy *pouts* upstaged by a white fur-ball.

Saturday morning we went to the movies. Our local cinema does a "kids club" movie for a pound each thats a family movie from a couple of months back. There were a fair bunch of kids there but they were all pretty well behaved, I was impressed. It was "Meet the Robinsons" and I was pleasantly surprised, we enjoyed ourselves. Straight from their to Beale Park, a local country park with animals and lakes. We had a good time there and it was a lovely sunny day, so a picnic by the lake and wander round looking at the animals til Mum's hip started to play up.

Then home, and as it was still sunny we had time to clear up the garden a little as it was due to rain. I cut the grass and the bushes and Mum helped tidy up. I didn't ask her to, I told her not to, but you try stopping a mum when she gets an idea in her head! Rather you than me!

Early night as we were all pleasantly exhausted, and then drive them both down to Bournemouth as the boy is staying with Mum and Dad for a few days. Its the longest drive i've had in my new car and I came away a bit achey but I am glad I gave it a good run and it was good to see Dad again.

Experimented on the way home, doing all the good driving habits, keeping a constant speed, etc, and managed to get it to 59.1 miles to the gallon which impressed me no end, even if it was really boring driving like that ;-).

Then a nice tired evening, chatting with a friend on the phone, clearing up some things from my trip over to the USA (I will write about that, heh, just other things have been more of a focus since I came back).

A pretty damned good weekend, and one I needed. I am so looking forward to having my boy for the whole week soon.

Pretty pills

2007-08-10T22:07:00.001+01:00

I love my little white pills. I really do.

For once I am not being sarcastic. They have helped me so much with keeping perspective. Restoring balance. Stopping me over-reacting or getting anxious about things. Not making one situation get swamped by all the others, so they remain discrete.

It really does make a difference.

Monday morning I was kind of stressed, well ok I had a lot on my mind and was trying to re-evaluate how things had changed in a relationship based on revelations. I knew we'd get through it and things would be fine, but I needed to go through all the emotions.

Monday morning I could see it was getting to me when I rechecked I had locked the car 5 times. Got to love OCD behaviour. Love the little ways the brain hits you with a club and says oi, boy, I am kinda dealing with as much as I can now, give me a break.

So I listened. In fairness its about the first time I've done that since the meds kicked in, to that extent anyway. So it was a warning and I took it. I gave myself some slack in the day, planned a quite evening of "wallowing" if thats what I needed. I bought some ice cream on the way home (not Ben and Jerrys as I decided I was going to wallow, not bankrupt myself!) and decided on the traditional evening of a tub of ice cream, some wine and bad tv.

Yes, I know I am a girl. Or so several people told me :P So sue me. You are just jealous as I look better in fishnets than you do!

Heh ok so that WAS my intention but I ended up drinking only 3cm of the wine and not starting the ice cream til 11pm. The rest of the time involved being pretty happy as a friend said she was going to go get help for something bothering her and talking with a relatively new friend on the phone for the first time, which was a delight.

BUT, I did give myself space to get through some feelings, which made me a happier bunny.

Thats the difference. I was anxious, had some symptoms but the meds gave me space to deal with it and not let it escalate. So cool.

This put me in a much better place when my friend really needed me the next day.

If you do suffer anxiety that stops you doing things, that seriously impacts your life, that leads to depression, going in circles, paralysing you... PLEASE consider getting help from your doctor. It doesnt have to be like that.

De-kinking

2007-08-10T21:45:00.001+01:00

Mum was coming to visit tonight, so this morning I had to de-kink the house. You know its not the obvious things that catch you out.

Not the corset
Not the lube
Not the toys

Its the little things

The chemise slung over a chair
The high heels in the corner
The restraints attached to the puppy teddy bears collar, tying them behind his back
The photo album of half naked photos
The thongs in the washing machine
The dog bowl on the side
The leash tucked on the arm chair

This is hard work!

A me moment

2007-08-09T09:01:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning and someone wasn't there. Someone who I normally say "hi" to when I first get to a computer at work or at home.

It feels like a big hole at the moment and she is very much missed. She is going through a lot of changes in her life at the moment and I am glad she is in a place where she will be with family rather than online, but selfishly I feel a big gap where I am used to her being.

I miss her already.

I am glad I miss her. I am glad I can feel what she means to me. Everytime I half turn round thinking "oh I should tell that to..." and find she isn't there I will think of her and send her warm thoughts and prayers.

That was my selfish "me" moment, he says with a wry smile, so I can get back to wishing my friend well in her situation and sticking behind her in anyway possible.

More rumblings

2007-08-06T18:13:00.000+01:00

More signs of how I have changed. I know in the past when things went wrong I tended to hide from people as I couldn't face them. I got angry. I lashed out. I reacted. I avoided confrontation. I took the blame and tried to make it all alright.

This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.

I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.

I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.

Hard truths

2007-08-06T06:42:00.001+01:00

This is not the blog I was intending to write next, but life has a habit of putting these little bumps in the road. I wasn't even sure if I was going to write about this, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I always said this was my blog, for me, and I would not self-censor, so I am not going to start now.

A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.

So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.

I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.

I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.

Chicago

2007-08-04T07:51:00.000+01:00

No, not the place, the musical.

I'm going upto London to see it today with a couple of friends I met originally online. I love this musical, really can't wait to see it, should be a fun day. Yes, all of you that think I am a slut, its a completely vanilla one :P :P :P. It IS possible for me to go a day behaving you know.

Broom Broom

2007-08-04T07:42:00.000+01:00

I arrived back from Thunder on Saturday and then first thing Sunday had to go pick up my new car. I am really pleased with her and totally think I made the right choice. She is cute, little, feels big and spacious inside, the buttons and dials are all intuitive and large enough to find without looking. She steer's beautifully. Firm enough so that when you aren't steering she keeps course, responsive enough when you do that only a light touch is needed to guide her around corners. This makes her a delight around the country roads near here. She isn't especially quick but she has the power I need to bump around and feel safe pulling out and to overtake on the motorway. She feels solid but fun. She is the right car for me and so far the fuel consumption has been pretty good too. I took her over to see the boy and he was very excited and loved her too, so we went over to see my Mum and he could show her off and repeat all the things I'd told him about her! She isn't the only cute one.

Interesting comments

2007-08-04T07:41:00.000+01:00

This week has been a week of interesting comments!

Let's start back at the beginning of the week. I had left something at my ex's so she kindly came into town with it with my boy and we had lunch. We were walking back from lunch to the train station so they could go home when the boy nearly ran into a girl who wasn't watching where she was going. I said to him after she went "at least she was pretty" and he replied straight away "she was tasty". I just giggled, it was so funny. My ex then turned round to me and said "he takes after you". I denied it of course, I mean please! Thats so not me. She just looked at me and said "i can still see the bruises down your neck, I noticed them yesterday". I went SO bright red and she carried on "and you've just gone very red...". I didn't know what to say so i just giggled and didn't try to argue with it. I mean I didn't want to get into how and why I might have got them over the last two weeks!!!!

My boy is now away with my ex for a few days holiday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me he had a new gf, and she was 8... his age, he had met her on holiday. I asked him his name and he shouted out to his mum in the background "whats her name mum?". He couldn't remember her name but he did know she was very pretty. I need to teach him a little more about these things I see...

I was walking into town for lunch with a few people and we saw a kid walking along with a strap attached to his arm so he didn't wander off. One of the guys (who knows I am kinky) turned to me and said "we should get one of those for you". One of the team leaders (and she DOESN'T know I am kinky) fires back at him "oh no, we should get a collar and leash instead". I tell you, I have no idea what signals I am sending off at work!!

Back now, hide while I go blog crazy!

2007-08-04T07:40:00.000+01:00

I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack yes I am here, despite not writing since I got back from Thunder. It's been a week recovering, readjusting, being tired from what feels like very very early mornings, catching up and generally not getting much work done.Last night I ended up staying late at the office, til gone 8. I kind of laughed after I realised I had done it. As I've commented before this is part of my normal cycles after I've had the boy or done things. I start off pretty hyper and high and positive, then get a bit down, then spend a night working late at work as I can't be bothered to go home as its empty, then I kind of settle back into the day to day again.So I've done the late night so am back to normal!

Well something approaching it anyway. This time though I didn't have the down between hyper and the late stay at work. Just got tired. I like that! Wheeee for pretty white little pills that stop me going nuts. Yaay pills.

Seriously though considering how intense a time I had, and that I went from two weeks of being surrounded by wonderful people to back into normality, I am REALLY chuffed with how it didnt feel a wrench. There is a huge difference in how I react now, and I like it.I saw one little change again mid-week, a simple thing but I am going to write about it just as I have everything else, who knows it may encourage others? I used to always see situations where I could lend a hand and then avoid them as I was worried what to say, didnt want to get involved or just to-and-fro'ed whether to and then didn't and felt bad over it. Stupid simple little things. On the same morning going to work I spoke to a woman that was dithering unsure about something at the train station, told her what train she needed... then I found a train pass someone had dropped and handed it in. Yes I know, they are things everyone would do everyday but previously i was SO paralysed by anxiety I couldn't have done it.

It's the little things that show you how much has changed.